chickymumma
10-11-2009, 02:29
**WARNING - LONG-WINDED VERSION** Ok - I need some help / advice .... we've got 2 very healthy, mostly happy, content children (DS 7 and DD 2 1/2). But I don't feel finished!! I want more - preferably 2, but at least 1!! Problem - DH says NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!
Background ... we've been married for nearly 16yrs, early on in relationship we decided that we would always have 2 kids, even though DH thought that 1 was all he wanted.
After DS was born in 2002 by emergency C-section, DH wasn't too keen on #2 and then DS didn't sleep well until 18mths old when we went to parenting centre for help. I also had undiagnosed PND. When DS was about 20mths old and we had been having almost constant full nights of sleep, DH finally said "oh let's have #2", but STUPID, STUPID me, said "oh no, let's wait a while, it's my 30th soon & I don't want to be pregnant for the party". BAD, BAD, BAD decision.
Anyway, so we kept living, got a 2nd mortgage to buy land and so I had to go back to work until we finished renovating & sold existing house. No talk of #2 was even allowed until house was sold.
And then BANG, life altering moment, Dr very cleverly spotted lump on my thyroid in early 2005 and after a massive series of tests which were all inconclusive, surgery was performed in May 2005 to remove 1/2 my thyroid with a tumour that contained malignant cells, but they were fully encapsulated (had a thick layer of skin around the tumour that hadn't let any of the malignant cells escape into my body), so the tumour was regarded as an "adenoma". I had to undergo follow-up ultra sounds over the next 12 months to check that no more tumours grew on the remaining 1/2 thyroid (no other tests show anything abnormal!!). So any baby plans were put on hold for ANOTHER 12 mths, just in case I had to do chemo or anything.
We had a scare from a new growth on the remaining 1/2 thyroid, but it was biopsied straight away (even though it was smaller than the size they like to biopsy!) and came back as definate benign cells. About the same time as this was happening, my Dr found lumps in my breast, so off for tests, etc., etc. on that too!
Boob lumps turned out all fine, but I tell you, it bloody shakes you to the core!! All I could think about (right at the start of the thyroid debacle) was how unfair this all was to OUR SON, why give him to me, to then turn around and make me ill & unable to be there for him 24/7 or worse still, die!!!
Anyway, all clear given in June 2006 with just 12mthly blood tests & ultrasound for the rest of my life - no medication needed for now as my "very clever" remaining 1/2 thyroid just took over the job of both halves!!
Amongst all that happening, we'd sold the house & moved into a rental house while we got building underway. We started talking about #2 (or I should say, I started HASSLING DH to get me preggers!!) He finally agreed in Jul 2006 that it was time, but I'd bloody just missed ovulation - NOT HAPPY JAN!! So we fell pregnant in August 2006 and DD was born in April 2007.
I did end up with PND again, but Dr & I (had same one through all of this and for the last 20yrs) were pretty much on top of it this time, so I only had a few months of being miserable and moody.
I can't exactly remember when after DD was born that I started feeling "unfinished", but I started talking to DH about having more (he said NO) and now that feeling HAS lasted and he's not budging!! When we finally moved into the house we built, he even made me get rid of all my baby stuff (that DS & DD have grown out of). I hadn't had time to sort through any of it, so what the baby shop didn't buy from me, went into the Lifeline bin..
Picture this, me standing at Lifeline bin with hubby's van, kids in front seats watching me bawling my head off putting box after box after box of baby clothes, toys and accessories into the bin. I didn't speak to DH for the rest of the day and he probably STILL has no idea why!! Great thoughts afterwards of "why didn't I just store it all in a friend's garage and sort through it at a later date". TOO LATE! He had just said to me "none of it is to be moved to the new house and that's FINAL!", so I did it - STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!
So of course when I told my friends, they all straight away said, he's made you do that so you can't use it to pressure him to have more kids - DOH!!! I knew that, but it didn't really hit home.
I've asked him and argued with him OVER and OVER and OVER, but without success. I'm not on any contraceptive pill, he doesn't use anything (except withdrawal - ick! TMI, sorry!), but I haven't fallen pregnant.
He reckons we should be satisfied that we have 2 healthy children and not be greedy and that DS's behaviour is such a handful, how would I cope if #3 turned out like that too! He says I'm always running late now, how am I going to get 3 of us out of the house on time. He says I wouldn't want to work again (I've only just started back at work casually at nights so that miss DD isn't ever away from us & I'm not paying for daycare & end up working for $4/hr!), so the pressure would be back on him to work longer hours. He's in a VERY physical blue-collar job and generally works 12-14 hours per day, 6 days a week as it is.
Even in 1 argument / discussion he brought up my weight issues (started at 70kg at 5wks preg #1, put heaps on during preg #1 but all out front, lost it all + lost a fair bit more, put it all back on with general depression, lost it again, 70kg when fell pregnant #2, heaps & heaps on this time and round like a beach ball, managed to get rid of a fair bit of it but still have BIIIGGG muffin top & bum starts at waist!, was up to 78kg with depression (AGAIN!) but getting back down, now hovering around 70kg but shape isn't good!). He reckons he's worried that I'll balloon pregnancy again and then with 3 littlies won't be able to shift it AGAIN, will get depression AGAIN, etc. etc.
Plus he says he knows I wouldn't want to stop at 3, that i'd want #4. His list of reasons goes on and on and every good reason I come up with, he comes back with something else.
Even when I was talking to a GF about her labours and how she just gets into a really good rhythm with heavy metal music and I was saying that I'd probably want her in labour ward for #3, so she starts telling DH about her labouring ideas, and he says "oh you'll need to save that and tell her (my) next husband" !!what the!!!
So, I guess it comes down to this ..... (1) am I being greedy? (2) if i'm not being greedy, how the heck do I change his mind ??
It doesn't seem likely that I'm just going to accidentally fall pregnant, I even worry sometimes that he's snuck off & had the snip, but then I think that he's not that devious kind of a guy.
Ok, sorry to rant & rave, but this has been a really good vent!
Please try not to give me TOO much negative response, my mindset isn't in a place where I can handle it right now. I really wish I had a mother of some sort of decent calibre to talk to, friends are great when your family sucks (except my sis of course), but nothing beats family in some situations!! I see some women with these wonderful caring, nurturing, loving mums (mainly) and (some) mums-in-law who would do whatever, whenever for their daughters and I choke up with tears for the crap my sister & I put up with from our stupid ***** of a mother.
And I just want that for my family!
I recently met some girls who are sisters & sisters-in-law - all similar in age & similar age kids - the companionship and love and caring was and is nearly over-whelming.
I want THAT for my family!
I want my daughter to not only just have 1 sister-in-law (maybe?), but a sister too or maybe 2 or 3 sisters-in-law. DS needs some other boys around - he's lonely playing by himself or trying to get DD involved with lego & star wars, etc. He'll need some brothers (& in the future, brothers-in-law) too to play footy / soccer with at family functions!! I want a big Christmas table with all my children and their kids. I want Sunday or at least once-monthly lunch or dinners with all our kids & eventually with their partners/wives/husbands & kids.
I don't want to be alone on Christmas anymore, I don't want to get to Christmas morning and wonder where we're going today or who could we possibly visit - I want to make our own large family loving & caring memories.
Why doesn't he GET IT? I'm not the best person at getting my view across and DH can be a bit dominant when we have discussions / arguments. :confused::confused::confused:
Ok, I'm really going to stop now cos' I'm getting all teary, it's 1.30 in the morning, I'm PMT'ing and shouldn't probably have posted this ..... anyway, maybe I'll delete it tomorrow.
Thanks for "listening".
:babydust2::fingerscrossed: A. (35 & 10 days old - clock's ticking!)
Background ... we've been married for nearly 16yrs, early on in relationship we decided that we would always have 2 kids, even though DH thought that 1 was all he wanted.
After DS was born in 2002 by emergency C-section, DH wasn't too keen on #2 and then DS didn't sleep well until 18mths old when we went to parenting centre for help. I also had undiagnosed PND. When DS was about 20mths old and we had been having almost constant full nights of sleep, DH finally said "oh let's have #2", but STUPID, STUPID me, said "oh no, let's wait a while, it's my 30th soon & I don't want to be pregnant for the party". BAD, BAD, BAD decision.
Anyway, so we kept living, got a 2nd mortgage to buy land and so I had to go back to work until we finished renovating & sold existing house. No talk of #2 was even allowed until house was sold.
And then BANG, life altering moment, Dr very cleverly spotted lump on my thyroid in early 2005 and after a massive series of tests which were all inconclusive, surgery was performed in May 2005 to remove 1/2 my thyroid with a tumour that contained malignant cells, but they were fully encapsulated (had a thick layer of skin around the tumour that hadn't let any of the malignant cells escape into my body), so the tumour was regarded as an "adenoma". I had to undergo follow-up ultra sounds over the next 12 months to check that no more tumours grew on the remaining 1/2 thyroid (no other tests show anything abnormal!!). So any baby plans were put on hold for ANOTHER 12 mths, just in case I had to do chemo or anything.
We had a scare from a new growth on the remaining 1/2 thyroid, but it was biopsied straight away (even though it was smaller than the size they like to biopsy!) and came back as definate benign cells. About the same time as this was happening, my Dr found lumps in my breast, so off for tests, etc., etc. on that too!
Boob lumps turned out all fine, but I tell you, it bloody shakes you to the core!! All I could think about (right at the start of the thyroid debacle) was how unfair this all was to OUR SON, why give him to me, to then turn around and make me ill & unable to be there for him 24/7 or worse still, die!!!
Anyway, all clear given in June 2006 with just 12mthly blood tests & ultrasound for the rest of my life - no medication needed for now as my "very clever" remaining 1/2 thyroid just took over the job of both halves!!
Amongst all that happening, we'd sold the house & moved into a rental house while we got building underway. We started talking about #2 (or I should say, I started HASSLING DH to get me preggers!!) He finally agreed in Jul 2006 that it was time, but I'd bloody just missed ovulation - NOT HAPPY JAN!! So we fell pregnant in August 2006 and DD was born in April 2007.
I did end up with PND again, but Dr & I (had same one through all of this and for the last 20yrs) were pretty much on top of it this time, so I only had a few months of being miserable and moody.
I can't exactly remember when after DD was born that I started feeling "unfinished", but I started talking to DH about having more (he said NO) and now that feeling HAS lasted and he's not budging!! When we finally moved into the house we built, he even made me get rid of all my baby stuff (that DS & DD have grown out of). I hadn't had time to sort through any of it, so what the baby shop didn't buy from me, went into the Lifeline bin..
Picture this, me standing at Lifeline bin with hubby's van, kids in front seats watching me bawling my head off putting box after box after box of baby clothes, toys and accessories into the bin. I didn't speak to DH for the rest of the day and he probably STILL has no idea why!! Great thoughts afterwards of "why didn't I just store it all in a friend's garage and sort through it at a later date". TOO LATE! He had just said to me "none of it is to be moved to the new house and that's FINAL!", so I did it - STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!
So of course when I told my friends, they all straight away said, he's made you do that so you can't use it to pressure him to have more kids - DOH!!! I knew that, but it didn't really hit home.
I've asked him and argued with him OVER and OVER and OVER, but without success. I'm not on any contraceptive pill, he doesn't use anything (except withdrawal - ick! TMI, sorry!), but I haven't fallen pregnant.
He reckons we should be satisfied that we have 2 healthy children and not be greedy and that DS's behaviour is such a handful, how would I cope if #3 turned out like that too! He says I'm always running late now, how am I going to get 3 of us out of the house on time. He says I wouldn't want to work again (I've only just started back at work casually at nights so that miss DD isn't ever away from us & I'm not paying for daycare & end up working for $4/hr!), so the pressure would be back on him to work longer hours. He's in a VERY physical blue-collar job and generally works 12-14 hours per day, 6 days a week as it is.
Even in 1 argument / discussion he brought up my weight issues (started at 70kg at 5wks preg #1, put heaps on during preg #1 but all out front, lost it all + lost a fair bit more, put it all back on with general depression, lost it again, 70kg when fell pregnant #2, heaps & heaps on this time and round like a beach ball, managed to get rid of a fair bit of it but still have BIIIGGG muffin top & bum starts at waist!, was up to 78kg with depression (AGAIN!) but getting back down, now hovering around 70kg but shape isn't good!). He reckons he's worried that I'll balloon pregnancy again and then with 3 littlies won't be able to shift it AGAIN, will get depression AGAIN, etc. etc.
Plus he says he knows I wouldn't want to stop at 3, that i'd want #4. His list of reasons goes on and on and every good reason I come up with, he comes back with something else.
Even when I was talking to a GF about her labours and how she just gets into a really good rhythm with heavy metal music and I was saying that I'd probably want her in labour ward for #3, so she starts telling DH about her labouring ideas, and he says "oh you'll need to save that and tell her (my) next husband" !!what the!!!
So, I guess it comes down to this ..... (1) am I being greedy? (2) if i'm not being greedy, how the heck do I change his mind ??
It doesn't seem likely that I'm just going to accidentally fall pregnant, I even worry sometimes that he's snuck off & had the snip, but then I think that he's not that devious kind of a guy.
Ok, sorry to rant & rave, but this has been a really good vent!
Please try not to give me TOO much negative response, my mindset isn't in a place where I can handle it right now. I really wish I had a mother of some sort of decent calibre to talk to, friends are great when your family sucks (except my sis of course), but nothing beats family in some situations!! I see some women with these wonderful caring, nurturing, loving mums (mainly) and (some) mums-in-law who would do whatever, whenever for their daughters and I choke up with tears for the crap my sister & I put up with from our stupid ***** of a mother.
And I just want that for my family!
I recently met some girls who are sisters & sisters-in-law - all similar in age & similar age kids - the companionship and love and caring was and is nearly over-whelming.
I want THAT for my family!
I want my daughter to not only just have 1 sister-in-law (maybe?), but a sister too or maybe 2 or 3 sisters-in-law. DS needs some other boys around - he's lonely playing by himself or trying to get DD involved with lego & star wars, etc. He'll need some brothers (& in the future, brothers-in-law) too to play footy / soccer with at family functions!! I want a big Christmas table with all my children and their kids. I want Sunday or at least once-monthly lunch or dinners with all our kids & eventually with their partners/wives/husbands & kids.
I don't want to be alone on Christmas anymore, I don't want to get to Christmas morning and wonder where we're going today or who could we possibly visit - I want to make our own large family loving & caring memories.
Why doesn't he GET IT? I'm not the best person at getting my view across and DH can be a bit dominant when we have discussions / arguments. :confused::confused::confused:
Ok, I'm really going to stop now cos' I'm getting all teary, it's 1.30 in the morning, I'm PMT'ing and shouldn't probably have posted this ..... anyway, maybe I'll delete it tomorrow.
Thanks for "listening".
:babydust2::fingerscrossed: A. (35 & 10 days old - clock's ticking!)