He was served today..... : (

[allanahsmum]

I have come out of a terribly violent, neglectful, hostile marriage with my soon to be ex husband... I have posted a few times my intentions to leave him, but I have gone back, asked him to come back, allowed him home even with a full IVO and have still loved him despite everything... But this last year, 13 months, since I did leave him, even though occasionally I would ask him back which lasted no longer than 2 weeks at a time, he has changed, and become someone I simply do not know anymore...?

he is crueler, colder, more selfish, and there's still NO admitting to the anger problem he clearly has... this man has lost his first wife, his 3 kids to her, his sisters, and his mothers love and respect due to his lash outs both verbally and physically towards them, not to mention the friends he's lost, the hurt he's caused and the many many strangers and professionals, police and the like, who have attempted to tell him what he's done wrong, and how to fix it!

I let him know I was close to getting a divorce, i told him I needed change "now" if we were to stay together, he was warned every day for 3 years this would happen, yet did nothing to stop it!

Why now do I feel like i'm the one who's lost out?

I feel like I want to be in his arms, like we used to be in the beginning, i feel like I want another baby with him and to see him play with the children, but he's done nothing to better our lives, and it's my 2nd marriage, now i've ended it, I feel i've reached my use-by date without ever having reached my full potential!!!!

The email from my lawyer came 2 days ago asking weather or not I wanted to go through with the divorce, everything inside me said YES, to stop this hurt, and violence but some little voice wanted to leave things as they are, hoping for him to see things need to change soon... wanting to wait and see a little longer like I have in the past...

Up until Sunday night (just gone) he was back, in the home, with the IVO against him, FULLY, he wasn't even allowed within 50 metres of me or our daughter yet I let him stay!!! but it took 1 more argument, 1 more feeling like i'd made a bad decision, the kids to get upset and be disappointed by him 1 more time, for me to email my lawyer back and tell him to serve the divorce papers on him ASAP...

Now, he's ignoring me, refuses to answer my messages, i'm so angry with his complete lack to see what's happening here, and to have screwed us all up time after time after time... I had hoped he'd do "something" to make it right, but he seems not to care at all now!

I feel unworthy, I feel unloved, and I feel like I have a cloud hanging over my head now because child number 4 will also live without her daddy in her life through no fault of mine! It's hurting me hearing her call out for him, im angry I didn't do something sooner, i'm angry for believing he would change, or expecting him too, believing his promises etc etc etc... and I just have the morbid feeling that he is now (again) spending the night out, having fun, care free, probably sleeping with someone as I sit her typing!!!!!! I feel FOOLED! and I just KNOW he'll keep being like this throughout his life... and hurt more and more people.


Why do I feel so terrible?????? why am I bothering to care about a man who only "claimed" to care for me? Why do I want to be close to him? I have NO idea???

[Lastcenturymum]

Hun, you have a history with this man, that is why it can be hard to breakfree - BUT for your sake and the children's - you need to be free of such treatment. Is that what you want them to observe of how a man should treat the woman he supposedly loves? :no:

You need to be strong, strong strong and I'm sure women here who have been through it can help you have the courage to move forward and take charge of your life and the lives of your children.

Sadly, men like him don't change and nothing you want or try to do is going to change. You need to walk away.

Strength to you :hugs::hugs:

[spoon]

Tell that little voice of yours that he will never change.

Many hugs to you, you have done the right thing:hugs:

[alphafemale2901]

I think you are feeling this terrible because you are grieving the loss of someone you loved and you know you will never have that person back. Part of grieving is to experience feelings of anger and denial, wishing and hoping things were different. You will recover from this and the hurt will fade. You are brave for getting rid of him and your life can only improve. As for being past your use-by-date, I don't believe that. Stay strong throughout this turmoil. Be strong for you and your kids. You don't need him and are better off in so many ways without him in your life. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[delirium]

I think you are feeling this terrible because you are grieving the loss of someone you loved and you know you will never have that person back. Part of grieving is to experience feelings of anger and denial, wishing and hoping things were different. You will recover from this and the hurt will fade. You are brave for getting rid of him and your life can only improve. As for being past your use-by-date, I don't believe that. Stay strong throughout this turmoil. Be strong for you and your kids. You don't need him and are better off in so many ways without him in your life. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

:yes: Very true, you are mourning the old him, who he was in the beginning, not him now. Your feelings of questioning your decision are completely normal. just try to remember that missing someone doesn't make them a good father or husband.

Clearly you gave him multiple chances, both in the relationship and after it ended. It sounds to me like he didn't think you'd file for divorce and now you have, he sulking bc deep down he realises he's now lost you.

[elleandsam]

:hugs:
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 and a half years, and I found it incredibly hard to let the old him go, the guy that was so sweet and loving, it was hard to give that up and realise he wasn't the person I thought he was.

I hope you feel better about all this soon.

[MumNeedsCoffee]

:hugs: You can't help someone until they are willing to help themselves.

[DoubleDelight]

I was in an abusive marriage for a very long time and I found when I finally had the courage to end it I was heartbroken. I finally realised that it wasn't him I missed it was having to surrender the dream. To say goodbye to possibilities, the possibility that he could change and there is also that feeling that you were treated badly because you weren't special enough :(

You aren't mourning what you had, you are mourning what you dreamt of having and now know never will with this man.

The next twelve months in particular are hard, it's about rediscovering who you are, what you are capable of and most importantly what YOU want.

Be kind to yourself, cry, scream, laugh if you need to, it's all part of the journey.

I will say be prepared for the platitudes, pleading and attempts at manipulation, just because you've filed doesn't necessarily mean, in his mind at least, that it's over.

I wish you strength, peace and happiness :hug: :hug: :hug:

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

I think you are stuck and mourning for the future you wished you could have with him. Mourning for the man you wished he could be, and the father you wished he was. The thing is he is never going to be that person, if you stay with him those dreams you have won't be in your future. I think you know this.

The him he showed in the beginning wasn't the real him, it was a lie. The real him is violent and abusive and will hurt you and your children.

He has had so many opportunities to change, don't waste one more day of your life waiting. You have a real life to live, and your children deserve a better example.

Good luck.

[Chickadee]

No advice, just hugs. :hugs: I think taking the final step of filing for divorce must be very very hard. :hugs:

[delirium]

The him he showed in the beginning wasn't the real him, it was a lie. The real him is violent and abusive and will hurt you and your children.



I agree. He is showing you the real him now. The early him was probably only a facade to impress you. I know that is a hard thing to accept (I know, I've been there) but once you accept this is really him, it will make letting go just that tiny bit easier :hugs: