Any advice?

[MrsDew]

Hi I am new to the forums.
I dont have any children, am not currently pregnant, but am in a relationship with a man who has the most gorgeous 2 1/2 year little girl.

I guess I just need a bit of advice and support as to what to expect in the near future.

We have been "dating" for 2 1/2 months and due to living arrangements etc, he has begun living with me. However when he has her, we arent together as a couple, she only knows me a friend of daddy.

Currently the custody battle is raging, and I fully support his wish to have her half the time, however the ex is making it very difficult, and it breaks my heart when he has to take her home. Im hoping it sorts itself out soon enough.

I never say anything detrimental about the ex, except that I dont understand why she is doing what she is doing as it is only stressing the little girl out.

I love having her around, and love playing with her, making things and ensuring she has a happy time at my house. I have even set up a bedroom for her complete with lots of her favourite toys and clothes etc.

Am I doing the right thing in this regard? The ex doesnt know about me either, which is how we want to keep it for the time being, less hassle.

Look forward to hearing your advice/experiences.

Cheers

[sandy cheeks]

I would want to know if my ex was taking my kids to someone else's house if his dd tells mum it will look bad on his behalf.
I think it's best to be honest and upfront iykwim lies/not telling always come back to bite you in the bum.
As for the custody thing she might be able to use the fact he has been having dd at your place complete with room without informing bio mum aginst him in court.
Also it comes down respect ie is mum living with some new bloke who is always around dd and would he want to be informed about new relationships affecting his dd.
I hope I have made sence I just know as a bio mum I want to know who my kids are around.
You sound like a good influence and all but I am sure her bio mum would like to meet you as well seeing you could be spending alot of time with her dd.

[MrsDew]

Thanks Sandy, and I totally understand where you are coming - for the normal type of mother. This mother is being similar to that of another ex in another post on here, using the child as a weapon to get back at her ex, and in the same instance hurting the child.

to be honest, I dont think she really cares where the child is when she is with her dad, As I said, the bedroom is set up for her, and also one for him as well, and he is paying me rent, so to anyone outside looking in, he is simply my boarder.

But yes, might be a good idea for her to know at least where she is going when she is with dad and who she is around.

thanks :)

[RmumR]

I agree with what Sandy has said in regards your partner telling his ex where the little girls is when she is with him.
My X and i also have a 2.5yr old who lives with me most of the time and visits with her dad every 2nd weekend. we make sure the other parents knows where DD will be and if we have signifigent people in our lives that will also be in DD's life.
Honestly is the best policy because esp in a custody case it can go against your partner if he is not honest with his x. May even work in his favour if you can show you have a stable relationship and home for the little girl to live in when she is with her father

[robsgirl]

Hi there,

Its really good that you have set a room up for the little girl.

I agree with the others what they have said i would want to know where my dd is living and if there is a significant other. I have also just been through mediation with my ex over my 4yr old dd through relationships Australia they were very helpful. Out of respect i told my ex when i started i seeing my dp when she was 2 but unfortunately my ex was extremely rude and disrespectful not telling me about dd's step mother until he married her (he had been hiding her in Canada).

Mediation is free with relationships australia and they can help calm things down a bit and puts the childs needs first.

[overitand36]

hiding things is really going to bite you when it comes to children

also you need to get this whole living arrangement boarder thing sorted and not justify or hide anything
you are either in or out when a child is involved

as this child grows she will talk to her mother and tell her what is going on

robsgirl has a very good point with mediation, do it first getting a partnering plan that works for both parents but most of all the child
being upfront will help more than fighting it out in court where the only one who wins are the lawyers

also regarding half the time is not always best for the child I can say this as a mother of an 8 year old who has been in shared care since 2 she has 2 houses and most of the time hates it her live is a constant back and forth

[moozle]

I agree, he should really tell his ex that he is living with you at least if not that you are in a relationship which is really none of her business. I acutally think he is doing the right thing by telling his DD that you are 'friends' for the time being. However, it sounds to me like you are already a big part of her life when she is with him so he really isn't protecting her at all by saying you are just friends because a 2 1/2 year old wouldn't understand the difference anyway. I think it's great that you are being so supportive for him, he and she is lucky to have you.. as is the ex but she wont see it that way for a while. There is no reason why if your partner is a fit Dad, he couldn't get equal custody. Moving forward, there is going to be conflict and financial burden for at least the next 15 1/2 years and then she may get married one day... you need to ask yourself if you're in it for the long haul and if you're willing to support him or if you just feel sorry for him and his daughter and that's why you're trying to help (I got stuck in a situation like this). If you really love him and want to try and make a go of things, make sure you ask him to include you in discussions about all this stuff and keep the communication between the two of you open. All the best. I have a DSS and it's not always easy but I really love my DF, so I'm going to make it work :)

[MrsDew]

Thank you again for your words of wisdom - its not cut and dried is it.

All of your advice has been taken on board, and will discuss with DP in the next couple of days.

[YMo7]

you sound like a smart lady... you need to do what you think is the right thing for the child. if you think that your DP and DDs relationship is in jeopardy then do something about it. you sound like you are happy to stick around for the long haul, but are playing it sensibly by not saying anything as yet (as its only been 2.5months) about your relationship to see how it pans out. (mind you i was engaged to my DH when we knew each other 6 weeks and we have now been together nearly 7 years, married for 5 this month).

bottom line is... IMO you need to follow your gut instinct and do what is right by your possible future DSD, whatever that may be in your situation... (they are all different - we have full custody on my DSK's but there were ALOT of contributing awful factors that came into play). :)

wishing the 3 of you luck and wellness. :)

[HunterzMummy]

I'm gonna go against the grain here :o

I can see the others points as a mother myself, but i also know about the side with of having a SS.

She is 2.5, not a baby anymore. If the father is fit and therefore obviously can make judgements for himself about his situation. Then why must the mother know where she is at all times? Does the father know where the mother takes his DD 24/7? Im sure she would not report to him her everyday doings with her. I think alot of the time we just dont give fathers that deserve it credit as judgment is clouded due to past relations.

So my advice is this. If he feels this is what he wants to do then that is his perogative. There is no where that says you must tell the other parent everthing unless written into a parenting plan. I just think that its sad that mothers these days think that the father has to answer to them about THERE child. We would never question DH x on what she is doing with HER son while she has him and we expect the same respect. WE are responsable and have his best intrests at heart so when we have him just know he is well taken care of. Its none of her buisness if the childs not in danger of where she is staying and who you are :)

Well thats my opinion anyway. And i hope things get soughted out fairly for all parties involved :hugs:

[MrsDew]

Thanks Hunterzmummy for that different spin on things. I hadnt even thought about that side, and you are totally 100% correct. Im pretty sure DP would love to know what his DD is up to day to day, but there is no way that ex would divulge that kind of information to him.

She has asked however, where he is living, and he has told her. Unsure of the fall out if any there is as yet.

:)

[c2p08]

regardless of anything else, the ex has a right to know where the child is going.

you sound like you are trying to do the right thing by creating a happy safe environment for the child, but if the child mentions to her mother that she is seeing you reguarly then that will create more probs for the father...



my ex and i seperated in 07, we got with new people in 08, we had a pre arranged meet/greet of the newpartners so that we knew who was around our daughter, that was fair enough, i dislike his new partner with a passion but the fact that i could meet her (even if she did create problems for 12 mths afterwards) eased my mind a little so i felt happier with DD going to his place with his new gf staying there.

[JiminyCricket]

You sound like your doing the right thing so far.
Can i ask how often does the daughter stay with you guys?
And has your DP been to mediation with the mother yet?
If the mother isn't willing to do 50-50 straight away ten perhaps your DP could push for just 1 extra day a week/fortnight and build up to a 50-50 arrangement when the girl is a little older.

[MrsDew]

Sure, he only sees DD every 2nd weekend for 48 hours, and every Tuesday night. It has nothing to do with him being a bad parent, but her wanting to hurt him. When she is here, I do my own thing around the house (Im have my own side business outside of work which keeps me busy) so they have 1 on 1 time.

Mediation has been attended approx 3 times, with no result, court date is pending next week.

its all about the money unfortunately, not about who has the child. She doesnt want to work, and of course the more DP has DD, the less excuse she has to not go back to work. She wants DP to pay her way. Previous to the childs birth she was quite a successful business woman

[JiminyCricket]

they used to say to 50-50 was a good option for children but nowdays they are changing the laws when it comes to care percentages of children , the government are saying that its better in some cases that the child resides with one parent most of the time to provide a stable base and sees the alternate parent not as much.

I can imagine its hard for both DP and the birth mother as they both love the DD and both want her, as for the DD it's hard to say what is best for the child, no one really knows but it does seem fairer if your DP had a bit more time with her.

I am guessing your DP has the weekends off work so every second weekend works for him (its fair that each parent gets a weekend each) but if he wants more nights care what will he do with DD during the daytime if he is working?
Or will he pick her up after work and have her stay over then drop her back at her mothers house for the day.

In my experience kids thrive on routine and consistency , my stepkids are with us majority of the time they go to their mothers two days a week i think it helps that they go in blocks not day on day off because the kids find it hard to settle in to a place if they are shuffled alot on a day to day basis.

[MrsDew]

DP has a flexible working agreement, and is able to work from home, buy back leave or work 9 day fortnights. DD is currently spending 1 day a week in childcare, and it may move up to 2 days a week dependent on what agreement is made, which as an only child certainly wouldnt affect her socialisation skills for the worse.

From our experience with her, she currently has no structure in her day to day life. She goes to bed late, doesnt have a regular day time nap etc, and this is when she isnt with DP

Just have to wait until the court date to see what happens. Dont know which way it will go.