What should I do

[Beckybug]

This may be a long winded post, but I just can't stand what's going on anymore. I need to know what I can do.

DH has an 11 y.o son to his ex wife. She left him claiming he had bashed her, threatened her family etc and once it all wound up in court she admitted it was all a lie to try and stop DH having any access to his son.

After a long winded court battle, DH gained access twice a week. All this happened before I met DH.

Since I met DH, DH"s ex wife has gotten very funny about DH's son coming on his visits. She rings up and makes excuses why he can't come etc, the last one was "he's really sick in bed" we drove past her street not 5 minutes later and he was outside with friends on his bike.

DH asked his son was he sick on the last visit, DH's son said:

"No Dad, Mum told me you was at work"

We have been having him up to two weeks out of every month because the ex is in and out of hospital, although the doctors have not found a thing wrong with her. She self harms, her arms are covered in scars from cigarettes and long scars which look like knife cuts.

One day when we was there to pick up DH's son, she had "a turn" pretended she was having a stroke etc, so we called an ambulance and they took her to hospital. The hospital was rather busy so she had to be put out in the waiting room, she was triaged as not urgent.

After 2 hours she swore at the staff and threatened them, then she left and came home, miraculously better with no treatment at all.

We found out from her SIL yesterday that she is on the verge of being evicted from her unit, she is over $1500 in arrears and will be taken to court. DH, me and his son walked past the debt collectors office the other day and DH's son said "Mum has to go in there to pay her bills." DH asked which ones. His son said he didn't know other than there's 4-5 being paid.

And the SIL was talking to DH's son on the phone yesterday morning and he told her that Mum had fed him honey joys for tea the night before. :eek: I was horrified and DH rang to confirm this. He only asked if that's what she had fed him and she went right off her trolley saying he is her son and she will feed whatever she sees fit.

A few times when he's been staying with us I have put things on his plate and he doesn't even know what they are. One night I put broccoli on his plate and he asked what he was meant to do with it.
After that visit he went home and told his Mum he liked staying with us because we have yummy food. She went off and said I was feeding him a bad diet.

She has been ringing up trying to get sympathy out of us, saying people are trying to abduct her, people are trying to abduct her son, people are breaking into the house etc, but she refuses to report any of this to the police.

I am concerned for DH's son, as is DH. I have rang DoCS and made 8 reports, I have never left a name so that she doesn't find out. Nothing has every happened.

We don't have the money to take her to court for full custody, but I am so scared she might hurt him.

[Beckybug]

*bump*

[Whispers]

:hugs: It must be hard but to be honest I do not see any real abuse towards the child. However she does sound mentally unstable and needs to be checked out. If she self harms again I would get her admitted to a hospitial for help.

[Lilahh]

I know this probably isn't a helpful answer but I don't think there is much more you CAN do. Have you ever tried to communicate with her about all this? It could be a complete disaster, or it could stop some of the tension. She sounds like she has something serious going on, self-harm and paranoia are signs of serious mental health issues. Again, don;t think there is much you can do about that.

You sound like you already might do this, but empower your step-son. Make sure he knows that if he ever feels unsafe, anywhere, he can contact his Dad/you and that he can tell you guys anything. Don't make the chat about his Mum or that might set her right off if she hears about it, but makes sure he knows that if anything makes him feel hurt/uncomfortable he can contact you guys ASAP.

Other then that, I spose you just have to pray that she doesn't hurt him. :( Sorry its such a sad situation.

[Beckybug]

We can't get her admitted to a psych ward as we are no relation to her.

I went and picked DH's son up, I was in town. He got in the car with me and I asked him how things were. Poor kid started bawling, he said he is sick of Mum and her stupid b/f fighting, yelling and screaming at all hours of the night.

He said it distracts him at school, and they are moving into a caravan at a park not far from where they live now. He said he doesn't want to move and asked me about coming to live with us. I told him he really needs to talk to DH. So DH did and explained the whole court bizo to him.

He knows to ring us, hence why we are getting him more and more at the moment. DH has tried to talk to her about her mental health but she just says there's nothing wrong with her and claims he's only saying the stuff so he can steal their son away from her.

[dreamtobeamummy]

:hugs: What a situation to be in... She does sound very unstable mentally to be having your step son in her full time care.

I hope you can sort this out soon both for the son and yourselves!

I don't have any more advice, my other suggestion was to take her to court but if you can't afford it then I am not sure.. Fourtunately for us we don't have these issues with DF's ex

[c2p08]

i'd be making complaints to docs EVERY time, i know it hasnt done much good, but if nothing else its giving you a history of what is going on.

secondly, if your worried about his immediate safety call the police and tell them there is a history of neglect etc and ur worried about his immediate safety.

i'd be seeing a lawyer and seeing what you can do, it sounds like this kid needs to get out of that house!

[mandlsmum]

Hi Becky,

I would be taking the child to a child therapist or a Dr when you have him next, explain the situation to them, and ask if they can have a chat with the child on his own. With it documented it might help move things along with DoCS. Unfortunately it seems sometimes that DoCS are so busy prying where they needn't be that they forget those children who are genuinely frightened :no:.

:hugs:

[lt37]

Hi, im a Paralegal and work predominately in Family Law. We currently have a lot of DOCS matters we are involved in. Any report to DOCS is kept confidential and the details of who made the notification are never ever disclosed to anyone, not even lawyers.

For anyone to find out who made a notification you have to subpoena DOCS' files and explain why.

From my experience you need to go in to your nearest office and make a "formal notification" giving your name. I was just last week involved in a matter where our client's mother made a report to DOCS about abuse suffered by the other party who our client had concerns about and because her mother only made a phone notification and didn't give all her details and ask that it be an official complaint we couldnt rely on it in Court and nothing was ever done.

If you have great concerns about your step son getting DOCS on board is a start but I strongly recommend you get some advice.

The Court system has now changed and you may be suprised by the options available to you.

The mother of your step son is in breach of the Court Orders by not sending your step son for visits and the Courts do not look favourably upon this.

I dont know your financial situation but ring a few law firms or ring Legal Aid they have free legal services but just ensure that you see someone who is experienced in Family Law matters not someone who may do a few matters a year.

You can also ring the Law Society in your area and ask for firms specialising in Family Law. The firm I work for we do payment plans for our clients who aren't in a position to pay our fees upfront so ask if that is something that they will do.

But dont give up it may not be an easy journey but with the right assistance well worth the fight.

Good luck to you and your husband and more importantly your step son.

Take care

[jane42]

Thank goodness for the previous post.
I disagree that the child is not being abused, if he is not fed properly, his health is being abused, if he is subject to lies, his sense of right and wrong is being abused, if he has to deal with a psychotic parent, his right to a safe home is being abused.
Why must bruises be the only sign of abuse?
Thank goodness for the previous post.
Legal Aid or payment plans. How much is the boy worth I ask you? It may not be fair that you and his father have to pay for her failures. Life is not fair and the poor sod copping it the most is that young man, your step son.
BEST BEST BEST of luck in getting it sorted out.

[Beckybug]

Thanks everyone for your help, our hand was forced last night when one of DH's son's friends father walked up to us in the supermarket and told us that both him and his wife has seen them at the local homeless food van with his mother on multiple occasions.

And the school has also expressed concerns that he has been seen pulling food from rubbish bins at school. DH has not been told of this, the mother has kept this secret. DH's son bought the letter with him tonight.

So I rang Child and Family services last night, told them everything and she is going to call DH on Monday to discuss it all with him.

DH's son rang me tonight and again asked to come stay with us. DH has asked him about what we have been told and he said that they have no food in the house and they are going to be evicted. He also said Mum got a court summons the other day but he doesn't know what it was for.

[6fornow]

It is possibly too late to suggest this, but I wa always advised to keep a factual, non-emotional diary, documenting any incidence that had ever occurred regarding my son and his father, as we have been separated since his birth, he is nearly 10. We were not on good terms for a long time, we have a parental agreement and if it is breached you can go to jail or have legal issues anyway. He has breached it numerous times in regards to certain points we agreed upon, from time spent with each parent to not being over the legal alcohol limit for driving and in his case, not smoking pot around him, or being under its influence. He is also not meant to have anyone else in an intoxicated/drugged state around him, which really, should go without saying. Anyway, the diary can be used as a legal document, or so I was led to believe. How old does a child need to be these days to decide where they live? If she is not providing for him, financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, etc, she is not doing him any favors, she is only hurting him. It must be so embarrassing and damaging for him to have to pick through a bin. In my opinion, she is abusing him. As a previous poster said, the scars might not be visible, they may be of an emotional kind and sometimes, they are the worse kind. I hope soooooooo much that you go as far as you can to help him, I hope the mother gets the help she clearly needs and I hope you can deal with this and get a happy ending for your son asap:xmas: