Do you believe all children should know or have access to both parents?

[MummaBear03]

As stated, do you think that a child has a basic right to know and/or have access to both parents? If you think they should, are there any exceptions to this? Or do you think that the parents need to just get over their conflict and put on a happy face and share the care of the children financially, emotionally and physically?

[Whispers]

If the child is at no risk from harm then yes they should have access to both parents regardless of what has gone on between the two parents.

[SorenLorensen]

oh thats hard.
i believe everyone has a basic right to know their parents, yes.
BUT
i believe in some situations the primary carer (so mum, dad, nan, pop...what ever) has a right to protect the child and if it is truly in the best interest of the child to not know the parent then i guess they have to do what they have to do.

[SassyMummy]

Sure, majority of the time children should be able to have access to both parents.

There are cases though, where it's just not the best of ideas.

Even in my case, my daughter is not in danger by spending time with her father, or communicating with him on the phone as it is now since he moved overseas.

Still, I think it would be much more beneficial for her, if he just kinda vanished from her life altogether. Why? Because he keeps flitting in and out, calling maybe once a month for 10-20 mins... and it just screws with her little head.

[c2p08]

this is a really iffy topic here, so many people judge whether or not their children should see their other parent based on what the PARENT knows rather then the other parents parenting skills

imho a child should have the right to know BOTH parents, if one parent is abusive towards the other parent it doesnt always mean that they are going to be like that to the children. i think every parent should be given a chance at being apart of their childrens life whether the parents are together or not.

yes there are times when a person should never be around children at all, regardless of whether its their own or not.

honestly, i think any parents who seperate need to be apart of a course like ''parenting after seperation'' which teaches parents what it is like for the children.






too many parents forget its a childs life who is mostly affected by the choices we make, if we stop a parent seeing their children because of the things the parent did as a partner and dont give them a chance to settle down and be a parent seperatly then we are actually taking away apart of that childs identy.


every child should have the right to trace their parents later on in life if they want to...

[Sheer Bliss]

If the child is at no risk from harm then yes they should have access to both parents regardless of what has gone on between the two parents.

:iagree: So long as the child is safe - they deserve to know both parents.

[Opinionated]

too many parents forget its a childs life who is mostly affected by the choices we make.....
every child should have the right to trace their parents later on in life if they want to...

:iagree:I agree with your whole post, but it's long so I trimmed it.

[MummaBear03]

Sure, majority of the time children should be able to have access to both parents.

There are cases though, where it's just not the best of ideas.

Even in my case, my daughter is not in danger by spending time with her father, or communicating with him on the phone as it is now since he moved overseas.

Still, I think it would be much more beneficial for her, if he just kinda vanished from her life altogether. Why? Because he keeps flitting in and out, calling maybe once a month for 10-20 mins... and it just screws with her little head.

I have to extend on this if that's ok. After 11 years in childcare I can honestly say that the children who are the most settled are those who either have regular access to the non-residential parent, or those who have nothing at all to do with them. The children who had their parent in and out of their life at random, going months or even years without hearing from them then get a card, a gift, a phone call, or even a visit are very unsettled. That's why I think if a court order is in place, it should be enforced on both ends to ensure the child is actually seeing the other parent at the times stated on the court order.

I know from DD's god mother, she split from her hubby when bubba was under 12 months old. He then did not see her for almost a year before going to court and demanding access. She would have allowed it, but he wanted to go through court. After being given every second weekend, he then wouldn't take her but the one time she had something planned (and thought he'd be a no-show again) and told him he couldn't take her, she had to go somewhere, he saw his lawyer and she was in big trouble for that. I think it's wrong that she can be reprimanded for not allowing him to have his access visit but he can't be reprimanded for not turning up to see the child.

[singlemumma82]

imho a child should have the right to know BOTH parents, if one parent is abusive towards the other parent it doesnt always mean that they are going to be like that to the children.

every child should have the right to trace their parents later on in life if they want to...

:iagree:

My DDs dad was quite abusive towards me when we where together, but that was how he treated me as a partner, not as his child. As easy as it would of been for me to leave and never see him again I am a huge believer that every child has the right to know their parents, and in my ex's case I am so glad I did.

When we where together he had absolutely no respect for woman, although he did live with his mum, once we split and he had DD (what started as supervised) visits he has developed so much respect for woman, now he is one of the biggest supporters for womans rights etc cause he wants a better life for his child.

So, although he treated me so badly, to the point that yes I did fear for my life, he tried taking my child from me etc, DD has changed him completely as an individual and I am so glad she has done this and also the connection they have developed as a result.

I personally think this is one area where alot of parents need to put their own opinions aside for the sake of their child, and I know some mothers that have suffered so much abuse at the hand of their childrens dads and still agree with me on this issue.

[nothanksbye]

yes I do believe they have the right to know both their parents.

[MummaBear03]

yes I do believe they have the right to know both their parents.

You don't think there would be any exceptions to this?

[munchie]

As if abusive men dont exhibit aspects of their abusive mentality as their role of parents. :no:

They don't just single one woman out and decide to abuse her. Its their values/beliefs/morals that arn't intact and they more often than not have abused everyone else too!

Just because it was between the parents, does not EVER mean that he wouldn't turn and use the sly and abusive tactics on his children. Whether its physical/emotional/mental. Whatever. It is all just as damaging.

I am all for children knowing their fathers but we have to be exceptionally CAREFUL what we expose them to.

[Just Add Water]

There is a big difference between do they have the right to know them (which I definitely think they do) and do they need to spend time with them.

My sister had a child and the father of the baby walked away... that was over 10 years ago, she is married and has another 2 children, her son is at the age where he is wanting to know more. She has never once contacted his bio dad but made it clear to him at the time that if their child ever wanted to track him down then she would help him. She has kept lose tabs on him over the years purely so she can help if my nephew ever asks.

My step kids have a mother who once tried to see her custody to us... we have always said between us that if that is what she chose (to walk out and not see the kids anymore - we refused her idea of selling us her custody) then we would keep photos of the kids and each year we would put together a package of their school stuff and post it to her (should we know where she is). That way if the kids ever wanted to track her down she would have something there for them to recognise.

I truly believe that all children have the right to know their parents... even if your relationship with your partner was no good it doesn't mean that the child has to have absolutely nothing to do with their parent. Regardless of how I feel about DH's ex and her behaviour towards myself and the kids I will always remind them that she is their mother and she loves them. When she has had a bad day and told them she hates them and never wants to see them again (like yesterday with DD) then we simply explain to them that their mummy loves them but sometimes adults say the wrong things just like children do.

Sorry for the ramble.... I just think that too many children miss out because of issues between adults.

[nothanksbye]

You don't think there would be any exceptions to this?

no.

[moozle]

DF is adopted and has absolutely no desire at all to know who his "birth parents" are.

[MummaBear03]

no.

So if a child was fathered by a rapist and known paedophile, it's ok for the child to know the father? If the father attempted to murder the mother of the child when she was pregnant so she wouldn't have the baby, give him a chance?

[nothanksbye]

So if a child was fathered by a rapist and known paedophile, it's ok for the child to know the father? If the father attempted to murder the mother of the child when she was pregnant so she wouldn't have the baby, give him a chance?

well if those fathers were known for their crimes, they would be in jail.

My friend is a result of rape and has met her father a few times.

I do believe that all children should have the right to meet their parents if they want too.

[munchie]

Just wondering, Why would my daughter want to know her father who used to hit her mother?(While she was pregnant - throughout my whole pregnancy):confused::confused::confused:
And thats just the start of it.

Why would I want to send a msg to her like that, that it is ok?

I would hate my father if I grew up and found out that he hurt my mother like that.

[MummaBear03]

well if those fathers were known for their crimes, they would be in jail.

My friend is a result of rape and has met her father a few times.

I do believe that all children should have the right to meet their parents if they want too.

They don't always go to jail :no: sometimes they go to a mental health unit for a couple of years and that's it.

So what do you think of people who don't tell their child who their father is? Those who don't allow the father near them and there is no paper trail of who the father is?

[singlemumma82]

Just wondering, Why would my daughter want to know her father who used to hit her mother?(While she was pregnant - throughout my whole pregnancy):confused::confused::confused:
And thats just the start of it.

Why would I want to send a msg to her like that, that it is ok?

I would hate my father if I grew up and found out that he hurt my mother like that.


For me personally, it is an issue I will discuss with my daughter when she is old enough to understand better and curious as to why we broke up, it is not an issue for a young child to know about.

[singlemumma82]

So what do you think of people who don't tell their child who their father is? Those who don't allow the father near them and there is no paper trail of who the father is?

I'm sorry, but personally I think they are denying their child one of the biggest things in life, knowing where they come from and who they are.

[nothanksbye]

They don't always go to jail :no: sometimes they go to a mental health unit for a couple of years and that's it.

So what do you think of people who don't tell their child who their father is? Those who don't allow the father near them and there is no paper trail of who the father is?

Its just my personal opinion. Its not something I am going to lobby for or anything....

Just personal...

I just believe that all children should have that right.

I think its extremely unfair to not know who your father is.
but its just personal. My mum didnt tell me or my sister who our fathers were.

so purely based on me.

[MummaBear03]

I'm sorry, but personally I think they are denying their child one of the biggest things in life, knowing where they come from and who they are.

Wonder what happens then if the child is from rape and the man was never found so no one knows who it was. Guess the mother is just deying the child a basic right and taking away part of the child's identity.

[singlemumma82]

Wonder what happens then if the child is from rape and the man was never found so no one knows who it was. Guess the mother is just deying the child a basic right and taking away part of the child's identity.

I think that situation is slightly different as they have no way of knowing, maybe I should make it clearer, if the mother knows who the father is yet denies this from the child. :rolleyes:

[singlemumma82]

As stated, do you think that a child has a basic right to know and/or have access to both parents? If you think they should, are there any exceptions to this? Or do you think that the parents need to just get over their conflict and put on a happy face and share the care of the children financially, emotionally and physically?


And i also don't think this original question asks about the exception of rape! It asks, should parents get over their conflict and put on a happy face, therefore, I would assume the mother knows the father.

[MummaBear03]

I think that situation is slightly different as they have no way of knowing, maybe I should make it clearer, if the mother knows who the father is yet denies this from the child. :rolleyes:

So what's the difference between the rapist being caught and the mother knowing who it is and not telling the child because the man has also been convicted of molesting his 11 year old niece, his 2 other children, attempted murder and assault occasioning bodily harm? But wasn't sent directly to jail, just sent to a mental institution and sent to live with his parents under the care of his parents and the mental health workers. Either way, the child doesn't know the father so how is it all that different? Would you allow your child near someone like that, even if it was only supervised?

[MummaBear03]

And i also don't think this original question asks about the exception of rape! It asks, should parents get over their conflict and put on a happy face, therefore, I would assume the mother knows the father.

No it doesn't, but the poll says "with exceptions"

[nothanksbye]

So what's the difference between the rapist being caught and the mother knowing who it is and not telling the child because the man has also been convicted of molesting his 11 year old niece, his 2 other children, attempted murder and assault occasioning bodily harm? But wasn't sent directly to jail, just sent to a mental institution and sent to live with his parents under the care of his parents and the mental health workers. Either way, the child doesn't know the father so how is it all that different? Would you allow your child near someone like that, even if it was only supervised?

yes.

[singlemumma82]

So what's the difference between the rapist being caught and the mother knowing who it is and not telling the child because the man has also been convicted of molesting his 11 year old niece, his 2 other children, attempted murder and assault occasioning bodily harm? But wasn't sent directly to jail, just sent to a mental institution and sent to live with his parents under the care of his parents and the mental health workers. Either way, the child doesn't know the father so how is it all that different? Would you allow your child near someone like that, even if it was only supervised?

In a situation like, no I would not let my child near them but I would also keep track of them myself for when the child is old enough to under stand and questions are asked for the child to decide to do with what they choose.

[JabberJaw]

My middle 2 kids dont know there sperm donor and given the chance i highly doubt they would want to know. My hubby is their dad and only father they have ever know. There donor was violent and abusive and once i show them police reports,dvo's and medical records they wont want to be associated with him. My kids are an exception, to me anyhow. Not even our friends realise hubby isnt there bio dad and thats how we like it, to protect them. And i intend to protect them as long as i can.

[MummaBear03]

In a situation like, no I would not let my child near them but I would also keep track of them myself for when the child is old enough to under stand and questions are asked for the child to decide to do with what they choose.

So a rape victim should keep track of her attacker so that down the track if the child wants to know who it is they can? I see that as being quite damaging for a person who has been through such an ordeal.

[munchie]

My middle 2 kids dont know there sperm donor and given the chance i highly doubt they would want to know. My hubby is their dad and only father they have ever know. There donor was violent and abusive and once i show them police reports,dvo's and medical records they wont want to be associated with him. My kids are an exception, to me anyhow. Not even our friends realise hubby isnt there bio dad and thats how we like it, to protect them. And i intend to protect them as long as i can.

Question JabberJaw, recently I have been thinking about when would I will reveal the truth to my DD... What do you think is the appropriate age? Because I to would want my DD to see it for herself, same as you reports/dvos/emails etc. Because I know one day he will try and get into her head.

I really do not think I should have to sugar coat things, as long as it age appropriate. I also do not want to lie.

[singlemumma82]

So a rape victim should keep track of her attacker so that down the track if the child wants to know who it is they can? I see that as being quite damaging for a person who has been through such an ordeal.

So could I, but wouldn't looking at that child every day be a reminder of their conception and therefore also damaging?

[MummaBear03]

So could I, but wouldn't looking at that child every day be a reminder of their conception and therefore also damaging?

No :no:

[munchie]

So could I, but wouldn't looking at that child every day be a reminder of their conception and therefore also damaging?


For some maybe. I do not look at my DD as an extension of her father. She is an individual that just has the same DNA.

My mum hates the father of my DD. But she does no associate her with him.

[singlemumma82]

I agree that yes some children may grow up fine without know who one of their parents are, but personally, for me, I would deny MY child the right to know this, either through keeping track or contact depending or the degree of abuse they did to the mother.

And again, for the record, I was abused by my childs father (including sexual, mental and physical) I chose, for her, to allow them to develop their own relationship under strick supervision and eventually will tell her the whole story, I do how ever know that many other woman have under gone much worse at the hands of their childrens dads.

[nothanksbye]

The thing is that its such a personal question as people will be passionate according to their own experience.

My sister was born from date rape. There is no paper trail and no information.
My mum is now dead and we have nothing. My gran can tell you he had blonde hair and came around a few times..:rolleyes:

My sister is quite sick and medical history would be very very helpful.

Its just one side.
You cant tell people to shut up for having their own personal views. Thats not nice.

[Teley]

I am disgusted by this thread. It is absolutely disgusting and offensive.

[singlemumma82]

Sorry to offend this is simply how I feel, I am against abortian but I do think it would be difficult, although i do understand their are some people who would be able to seperate that, same as their would be some people who would be able to seperate keeping tabs for the sake of their child.

[nothanksbye]

I am disgusted by this thread. It is absolutely disgusting and offensive.

Ok..

well thats not good.

But please remember that all walks of life have the right to an opinion.

I get that you have personal passion about this..so do I.

I was without a Dad for 30 years. My mum died and I had no parents.

Its passionate for me.
I believe that if a child requests to know their dad then they should be able to get information.

I dont think calling my opinion offensive and disgusting is very fair.

[JabberJaw]

StartingAFresh i cant answer that. Its something i question myself about daily. The longer i wait the harder it gets and i often hope i can take it to the grave with me and never have them know the truth. They have seen pics of bio and asked me who he was and i just told them his name and they were happy with that. He is a horrible man and i would hate them to be hurt in any way by him. I know they wpuld be hurt as he has 8 children to a number of woman all who have suffered as i did.

[nothanksbye]

My mum could not do it. She had my sister adopted out as she could not handle it.
Even when we found her when she was 16 my mum found it very very hard.

I guess other women are strong enough to do it and to those women I am in awe. You have let love conquer all.

For some women its harder and thats not horrible it doesnt mean that all women will feel like that but we have to respect that some could not handle it.

[MummaBear03]

Please be nice.

It is for some.
My mum could not do it. She had my sister adopted out as she could not handle it.
Even when we found her when she was 16 my mum found it very very hard.

I guess other women are strong enough to do it and to those women I am in awe. You have let love conquer all.

For some women its harder and thats not horrible it doesnt mean that all women will feel like that but we have to respect that some could not handle it.

And we have to respect that some are strong enough to have a child under those circumstances, and love and care for the child but not strong enough to keep tabs on where the attacker is or even commit to memory what his full name, date of birth, etc is.

[singlemumma82]

For some women its harder and thats not horrible it doesnt mean that all women will feel like that but we have to respect that some could not handle it.

This is exactly what I am trying to say, you say it so much better, thanks again, yes their are some mother who can seperate the two for me, personally I don't think i would be able too and therefore would prefer to give the child up for adoption.

[MummaBear03]

This is exactly what I am trying to say, you say it so much better, thanks again, yes their are some mother who can seperate the two for me, personally I don't think i would be able too and therefore would prefer to give the child up for adoption.

That child will then grow up not knowing either parent, so how is that better than keeping the child and not telling the child who the father is?

Sorry to harp on about it, I just find it strange that a person would think that there are absolutely no exceptions to this. I agree that where safe a child should be able to form a bond with both parents but sometimes it just isn't possible or safe.

[Whispers]

That child will then grow up not knowing either parent, so how is that better than keeping the child and not telling the child who the father is?

Sorry to harp on about it, I just find it strange that a person would think that there are absolutely no exceptions to this. I agree that where safe a child should be able to form a bond with both parents but sometimes it just isn't possible or safe.
:iagree:

I am all for a child having the right to know who their father is, but sometimes it is not safe and not always possible.

It would be over my dead body that my child seen their father if he turned out to be a pedophile.

[singlemumma82]

That child will then grow up not knowing either parent, so how is that better than keeping the child and not telling the child who the father is?

Sorry to harp on about it, I just find it strange that a person would think that there are absolutely no exceptions to this. I agree that where safe a child should be able to form a bond with both parents but sometimes it just isn't possible or safe.


I would allow the child to make contact with me when they are ready, I said, I would not be able to keep that child, to look at that child every day, to know I would never blame their conception for certain behavioural traits, etc etc, do I really need to go on? As I said, this is my OPINION, only mine, if another mother is able to then that is awesome, I MYSELF COULD NOT!!!

And forming a bond is completely seperate AGAIN to keeping a record of who their father is for the child to do with as they please once they are old enough! I don't think a child is able to make a bond with some written information are they? Nor are they placed at any risk.

[Nowhere]

no not always

[MummaBear03]

I would allow the child to make contact with me when they are ready, I said, I would not be able to keep that child, to look at that child every day, to know I would never blame their conception for certain behavioural traits, etc etc, do I really need to go on? As I said, this is my OPINION, only mine, if another mother is able to then that is awesome, I MYSELF COULD NOT!!!

And forming a bond is completely seperate AGAIN to keeping a record of who their father is for the child to do with as they please once they are old enough! I don't think a child is able to make a bond with some written information are they? Nor are they placed at any risk.

I didn't mean under those circumstances forming a bond, I just said that I agree that children should be able to form a bond with both parents if it's safe and possible to do so. Not saying you implied they had to form a bond. Anyway, I will not be trying to find out where my child's father is so she can track him down later on in life, and there is nothing here to say who he is or where to find him.

[singlemumma82]

I didn't mean under those circumstances forming a bond, I just said that I agree that children should be able to form a bond with both parents if it's safe and possible to do so. Not saying you implied they had to form a bond. Anyway, I will not be trying to find out where my child's father is so she can track him down later on in life, and there is nothing here to say who he is or where to find him.

And that is your decision, you asked for ours and mine is simply I could not deny my child that bit of information, simple as that.

[MummaBear03]

And that is your decision, you asked for ours and mine is simply I could not deny my child that bit of information, simple as that.

No I didn't. I asked if people think that ALL children should know both parents, or if there are some exceptions. So you think that in society, as a whole, there are no exceptions to this regardless of anything? This is why it's in "Social Issues" to see what people think when it comes to the *whole* of society.

[singlemumma82]

No I didn't. I asked if people think that ALL children should know both parents, or if there are some exceptions. So you think that in society, as a whole, there are no exceptions to this regardless of anything? This is why it's in "Social Issues" to see what people think when it comes to the *whole* of society.

yes and I am saying that yes I do think they should know this bit of information, whether that be written information or a bond, they deserve to know who makes up the other 50% of their DNA.

[TrulyBlessed]

I'd say depending on circumstances: that how does 1 parent have the right to cut all ties for the child & other parent. It does take 2 people to make a baby to start with doesn't it.

If the parent abuses the child then cut them off. But if its a messy divorce/brakeup etc then hell no & if someone decided to do that then maybe they shouldn't have the child either who said it was their right to use the child as a pawn.

Ultimately I think in the end every child should be allowed to know who the other parent is esp for medical reasons.

[c2p08]

Just wondering, Why would my daughter want to know her father who used to hit her mother?(While she was pregnant - throughout my whole pregnancy):confused::confused::confused:
And thats just the start of it.

Why would I want to send a msg to her like that, that it is ok?

I would hate my father if I grew up and found out that he hurt my mother like that.

its not about telling your child that the behaviour her father did towards you was okay, its about giving her the right to know her father regardless.

as i said before, a man (for example) might bash his wife to the point where she is hospitilised and almost dead, but, his kids only know him as a loving father. yes they might have seen that side of him and know its there, but they personally only ever experience the loving father side.

should the mother completely cut the father out (assuming they have since split up) because she knows him as a violent man?


simply, im my opinion, no she shouldnt, she should arrange (if the father wants contact) visits through a centre, a contact centre designed for kids who have troubled parents where the centre can teach the man to be a father, be attentive to his children, the right and wrong things to say/do with his kids etc.







bascially,

your ex was cruel to you. does that mean he is cruel to every women hes ever been in a relationship with? does it mean hes going to bash your child just becasue he did it to you? chances are no, hes not like that to everyone and he wouldnt do it to a child.





its not about cutting a parent out because of their mistakes, making choices for someone who is not old enough to make informed life choices, its about making SMART choices.




my DD's father hurt me quiet badly, but with parenting classes and a new wife he has become a pretty good father to DD. i dont like him, he is still mean to me alot of the time, BUT DD and him have a good bond and she is safe with him. its taken 2 years to get to this point it takes time and it takes alot of trust that people around the other person are going to help them along and look out for your child.


supervised vists are the best thing when it comes to a ''bad'' parent or an abusive parent (towards an adult not the child, if the child is hurt i dont think the parent should see the child..)

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

I don't think mothers or fathers who are violent criminals or domestic abusers deserve the right to be in their childs life.

Does the child deserve to know who they are? yes. However that doesn't mean that it is in the childs best interest to be in contact with them. I don't let violent people in my children's lives normally, so I certainly don't want them to have someone with those type of issues as a powerful role model in their life.

I also don't believe it is in the childs best interest to have a mother or a father who comes in and out of their lives. It is heart breaking and damaging. If the parent really cared they would step up and be a decent parent all the time.

[Whispers]

its not about telling your child that the behaviour her father did towards you was okay, its about giving her the right to know her father regardless.

as i said before, a man (for example) might bash his wife to the point where she is hospitilised and almost dead, but, his kids only know him as a loving father. yes they might have seen that side of him and know its there, but they personally only ever experience the loving father side.

should the mother completely cut the father out (assuming they have since split up) because she knows him as a violent man?


simply, im my opinion, no she shouldnt, she should arrange (if the father wants contact) visits through a centre, a contact centre designed for kids who have troubled parents where the centre can teach the man to be a father, be attentive to his children, the right and wrong things to say/do with his kids etc.







bascially,

your ex was cruel to you. does that mean he is cruel to every women hes ever been in a relationship with? does it mean hes going to bash your child just becasue he did it to you? chances are no, hes not like that to everyone and he wouldnt do it to a child.





its not about cutting a parent out because of their mistakes, making choices for someone who is not old enough to make informed life choices, its about making SMART choices.




my DD's father hurt me quiet badly, but with parenting classes and a new wife he has become a pretty good father to DD. i dont like him, he is still mean to me alot of the time, BUT DD and him have a good bond and she is safe with him. its taken 2 years to get to this point it takes time and it takes alot of trust that people around the other person are going to help them along and look out for your child.


supervised vists are the best thing when it comes to a ''bad'' parent or an abusive parent (towards an adult not the child, if the child is hurt i dont think the parent should see the child..)

:iagree:

[Queen]

Yes and no....depends on situation....

[bumMum]

i dont agree children should have to witness abusive relationships. if a man or woman is violent or verbally or sexually abusive to the mother/father of the child, I think they negate their rights to access. it is not in a little boy or girls best interests to see domestic abuse...even if it is only for a few moments at the swap over.. or even if they dont witness it at all, but are reminded of it whenever they see that parent.. plus it is so unlikely that a man is cruel and abusive in one situation and loving and kind in another.. honestly, I haven't ever seen that before, and I think it is a bit deluded.. but I agree that in a controlled environment it may possibly be o.k. for a parent to have access.. but a woman having to take her children to the home of the man who beat her :no: no way... and I wouldnt trust that guy with my kids as far as I could throw him..

and many men and women do continue the cycle of abuse, because either they go into relationships where they accept being abused, or they become an abuser.
I am flexible in my views on almost anything to do with parenting, but not this.
I don't see the value in the relationship.
if the man or woman who is abusive commits to intensive therapy and is able to somehow ? demonstrate he or she has changed, then yes it would be o.k.

In almost any other circumstances, I think both parents should be entitled to access. it does suck for children whose parents are unreliable, as many of my friends are in that situation, but parents may become more reliable over time, and I don't think it would benefit the child to not know who their parent is.
my father was a bit of a useless guy.. ok a lot useless, smoked and drank a lot, partied too much, was unpredictable and irrational.. but he was also a very loving father and I am glad to have had a relationship with him, even if at times it was a very pathetic one... he helps me understand some things about myself and weirdly enough, although he was crap when I was a teenager, I have such good memories of my childhood with him in it :)... I learnt over the years that he was slightly mad

[bAaM]

My thoughts on this are similer to SSP.

regarding access no i dont think ALL parents have rights to have access to there kids. That is why we have places like Child safty, to take the rights away from those who dont deserve them.

BUT i beleive EVERY child should have access to who there parents are, rapest pediphile, abuser whoever. I believe thats every childs right to be able to access who there bio parent is but they should also have the information on what there other parent and be given this info at when there old enough to understand what sort of person there other parent is and are able to asses the danger for themself.

[spoon]

The thing is that its such a personal question as people will be passionate according to their own experience.

My sister was born from date rape. There is no paper trail and no information.
My mum is now dead and we have nothing. My gran can tell you he had blonde hair and came around a few times..:rolleyes:

Asabusymum, your posts and insight are just so awesome. And I agree with every word you have written.

[QUOTE=c2p08;4204996]its not about telling your child that the behaviour her father did towards you was okay, its about giving her the right to know her father regardless.

as i said before, a man (for example) might bash his wife to the point where she is hospitilised and almost dead, but, his kids only know him as a loving father. yes they might have seen that side of him and know its there, but they personally only ever experience the loving father side.

should the mother completely cut the father out (assuming they have since split up) because she knows him as a violent man?


simply, im my opinion, no she shouldnt, she should arrange (if the father wants contact) visits through a centre, a contact centre designed for kids who have troubled parents where the centre can teach the man to be a father, be attentive to his children, the right and wrong things to say/do with his kids etc.







bascially,

your ex was cruel to you. does that mean he is cruel to every women hes ever been in a relationship with? does it mean hes going to bash your child just becasue he did it to you? chances are no, hes not like that to everyone and he wouldnt do it to a child.





its not about cutting a parent out because of their mistakes, making choices for someone who is not old enough to make informed life choices, its about making SMART choices.




my DD's father hurt me quiet badly, but with parenting classes and a new wife he has become a pretty good father to DD. i dont like him, he is still mean to me alot of the time, BUT DD and him have a good bond and she is safe with him. its taken 2 years to get to this point it takes time and it takes alot of trust that people around the other person are going to help them along and look out for your child.


supervised vists are the best thing when it comes to a ''bad'' parent or an abusive parent (towards an adult not the child, if the child is hurt i dont think the parent should see the child..)

:iagree: and WOW what a journey you have been on.:hugs:

As for my opinion? Yes a child has the RIGHT to have a relationship with both the mother and the father. The notion that mother always knows best is wrong which is why we need law to protect childrens rights.

[Cicho]

of course, as long as it is a constructive and healthy relationship which benefits the child :yes:

Otherwise NO :no:

[Crazyfamily]

well here is my situation if someone could give me some wonderful advice.
my ex was abusive with me but i did allow him to have contact with his children as he wasnt abusive with them. but just last week i woke up to find him on the front page of the paper for the sexual assault of 5 women. he didnt go to jail but got 2 years probation, community service and a psychiatric order. how would you all cope with this one, i have stopped him having unsupervised contact but i do allow him to come to my home to see the kids but knowing what he has done even this is hard. i know my kids love thier dad but now i just dont know what to do.

[florence]

I just think that too many children miss out because of issues between adults.

:iagree:

[florence]

So if a child was fathered by a rapist and known paedophile, it's ok for the child to know the father? If the father attempted to murder the mother of the child when she was pregnant so she wouldn't have the baby, give him a chance?

I don't know why anyone would want to have a baby under those circumstances anyway :confused:
At the end of the day, that person fathered the child and I believe that the child has every right to at least know who their father is.
That doesn't mean they should have visits with them etc but it's the child's right to know.

[moozle]

Most of you are saying that it's a BAD thing for children not to know their biological oparents like it's something that they would desperately want to know.

I believe every child has a RIGHT to know.. if they want to know and when they are mature enough, I think they should have the right to find their birth parents, again if they want to.

It's a common misconception that every child wants to know where they came from etc. My DF is adopted and so many people can't understand why he wouldn't want to know who his birth parents are. Even I struggled with this for a while thinking he had issues he had to work though etc because *I* would want to know. He honestly doesn't. He has other parental figures in his life (his adoptive parents) and had what he describes as a blissfully happy childhood and has no desire at all to know who his birth parents are. Because of this, I think it would be wrong to force it on a child who may not want contact with a birth parent. It should be THEIR choice.

[moozle]

well here is my situation if someone could give me some wonderful advice.
my ex was abusive with me but i did allow him to have contact with his children as he wasnt abusive with them. but just last week i woke up to find him on the front page of the paper for the sexual assault of 5 women. he didnt go to jail but got 2 years probation, community service and a psychiatric order. how would you all cope with this one, i have stopped him having unsupervised contact but i do allow him to come to my home to see the kids but knowing what he has done even this is hard. i know my kids love thier dad but now i just dont know what to do.

I think because the children know him and he is somewhat in their lives, you are doing the right thing by allowing them time with him until they are mature enough to make their own decision about it. Personally, I think you are playing with fire allowing him into your home. I would have supervised visits through instututions that are set up for this kind of thing. He is unwell and unpredictable by the sounds of things, I'd be careful.

[onionskin]

too many parents forget its a childs life who is mostly affected by the choices we make, if we stop a parent seeing their children because of the things the parent did as a partner and dont give them a chance to settle down and be a parent seperatly then we are actually taking away apart of that childs identy.


every child should have the right to trace their parents later on in life if they want to...

:iagree:

I think that all children deserve to know where they came from.


This thread has really upset me...

I am the little girl who was stopped from seeing her dad. Due to violence in my parents relationship.

My whole life I have wondered who this man is and what he is like.

I not only missed out on a father daughter relationship, but also a very large extended family.

The messages I received as a child were very mixed. Any kind of negative behaviour and I was always told Iam just like my father - this elusive man I have never met...

I guess what I am trying to say as an adult I have problems with trust, abandonement, rejections and the list goes on. I have always felt like 1/2 my story is missing.

Sorry to go on, this thread is really close to my heart :gloomy:

[SimplyMum]

Still, I think it would be much more beneficial for her, if he just kinda vanished from her life altogether. Why? Because he keeps flitting in and out, calling maybe once a month for 10-20 mins... and it just screws with her little head.

:iagree:

I think having a parent coming in and out all the time and/or not keeping their word/promises can be more harm than good.

Ultimately, sure- if both parents could leave their pwn personal feelings out of it which as human beings- we are very emotional creatures. It's very hard to leave emotions out of something that is/has been held so dear to us.

Some parents have and will have to make this huge decision in the future. Do I allow contact or not? From personal experience, it is a big decision and one that will ultimately effect you, your DC and future family. I can't say anyone takes it lightly. But, we as parents do what we think is best for our children at the time. We may not get everything right but we are parents and we don't get a guidebook to tell us the right decisions or what impact our decisions are going to have.

Onionskin- I feel for you, that must have been and still be very hard. I also feel for your Mum. I would hate for my DS to blame me for a decision I made that I thought was the right one at the time. It's heartbreaking for everyone. :hugs:

[Ardentwhispers]

I haven't read through the posts yet. I chose most of the time. My son has no access to his father (his father's choice up to this point). If his father suddenly decided he wanted to be a part of his life I wouldn't allow it. Not without a huge part of convincing, anyway. I'm talking years of proving he will make the effort. Even then, I'm not 100% sure - I may just tell him to wait until my son's at least 16 and can handle it.

He's the one who's chosen not to be part of his life - he hasn't seen him in 8 years, since my son was an infant. I'm just not willing to uproot my son's sense of stability. He wouldn't even recognize his father if he saw him in the street, kwim? That's a lot for a kid to handle.

[jaq]

Like Moozle and others, I believe the best course is to hold the necessary information until the child is old enough to make their own decision about what sort of relationship they want with his or her father.

My DH is also adopted, and has no desire to know anything about or have a relationship with his birth parents. I find this odd, but it is his decision.

His parents (adoptive) collected as much information as they could to allow him to track down his birth parents if he wanted to. The choice is his.

The point several people have made about not knowing who your parent is leaving a gaping hole in their lives is very valid - some people have a need to know, to complete their identity or something like that. Others do not. Hence I believe it needs to be the child's decision, and the mother - as horrible as it must be at times - needs to facilitate that as much as she is able. Understanding, of course, that it will be much harder for some women to do this than others ... both in terms of the specific obstacles, and in terms of different emotional states.

One point, though. I don't agree with general rules or no exceptions. I've never met a general rule that is the best solution for even the majority of people, and there should always be the possibility of exceptions. In this scenario, in particular, I think every woman and child has to work out what is best for them, and if at all possible, the child's father as well.

[SassyMummy]

I don't think mothers or fathers who are violent criminals or domestic abusers deserve the right to be in their childs life.

Does the child deserve to know who they are? yes. However that doesn't mean that it is in the childs best interest to be in contact with them. I don't let violent people in my children's lives normally, so I certainly don't want them to have someone with those type of issues as a powerful role model in their life.

I also don't believe it is in the childs best interest to have a mother or a father who comes in and out of their lives. It is heart breaking and damaging. If the parent really cared they would step up and be a decent parent all the time.

I agree with all of the above.

I am my daughter's mother, and anyone who I find to behave inappropriately is not a part of her life. This includes everyone - I don't care if they're related or not.

If I was in a abusive relationship, I would not want my daughter to have contact with my abusive partner, even though he was her father. It is my job to protect her, and protect her I would.

Would I keep his details and have info about him available to her when she's older? Of course I would - once she's old enough to know the truth (and I would tell her the story with as little bias as possible), I would sit her down and explain it all to her, give her information on him if she liked, and perhaps help her track him down if that's what she wanted.

But would I allow an abusive person into my child's life willingly? No way.

I find it ridiculous that people are suggesting victims of rape or abuse keep track of their abuser so that their children can know their father. If my daughter was a result of rape, and I a victim of rape, the last thing on my mind would be making sure she was able to have contact with this horrible man.

[nothanksbye]

I find it ridiculous that people are suggesting victims of rape or abuse keep track of their abuser so that their children can know their father. If my daughter was a result of rape, and I a victim of rape, the last thing on my mind would be making sure she was able to have contact with this horrible man.


actually no one said that.
It was in context of ONE scenario that the op put forward.

It was not said that all women should keep track of rapists.
It was said if you knew the father was in a mental institution, the post said she woud keep track to know if he was still in there or living with his parents.

NO ONE said that women should keep track of their rapist.

[Ardentwhispers]

Sure, majority of the time children should be able to have access to both parents.

There are cases though, where it's just not the best of ideas.

Even in my case, my daughter is not in danger by spending time with her father, or communicating with him on the phone as it is now since he moved overseas.

Still, I think it would be much more beneficial for her, if he just kinda vanished from her life altogether. Why? Because he keeps flitting in and out, calling maybe once a month for 10-20 mins... and it just screws with her little head.

That's rough. My ex was like this when kiddo was a baby and we were seperating. Originally I had planned to stay within a few hours drive of the ex so that kiddo could have a relationship with him - and this behaviour was what urged me to move back home (and a long flight away from the ex). I think it's very detrimental to a child and their self esteem and my way of thinking was that if he's like that when he's a baby how will he be any different when he's older? Turned out to be a good decision on my part as since then the ex has pursued no relationship at all!

[missie_mack]

No I don't believe it is beneficial for all children to have access to both parents :no: However I would think for the majority it is.

Abuse comes in many forms besides physical violence.

[Ardentwhispers]

As if abusive men dont exhibit aspects of their abusive mentality as their role of parents. :no:

They don't just single one woman out and decide to abuse her. Its their values/beliefs/morals that arn't intact and they more often than not have abused everyone else too!

Just because it was between the parents, does not EVER mean that he wouldn't turn and use the sly and abusive tactics on his children. Whether its physical/emotional/mental. Whatever. It is all just as damaging.

I am all for children knowing their fathers but we have to be exceptionally CAREFUL what we expose them to.

:iagree:

If my child's father had abused me the courts would have to pry my child out of my hands for visitation - no ifs or buts about it.

[munchie]

..Replies in the quote


its not about telling your child that the behaviour her father did towards you was okay, its about giving her the right to know her father regardless.I am not keeping my DD away from her father, I live interstate and he has my number and he knows he can come up here and see her anytime. Thought he refuses to! I have brought my DD to see him plenty of times yet it always ends the same way. Last time I brought her down to see him he spat on me and hit me while I was holding her. I am not going to do that anymore. I can't take that risk. I'm not going to put my DD in that situation again. He can visit her. Though the last time i heard from him was him tellin me and DD to go and get farked!? Oh and that he was going to kill me. I started a thread a little while ago!

as i said before, a man (for example) might bash his wife to the point where she is hospitilised and almost dead, but, his kids only know him as a loving father. yes they might have seen that side of him and know its there, but they personally only ever experience the loving father side. The manipulative side. Yes he may be loving but who knows what his real motives are. Abusive men are abusive - full stop. They don't stop at anyone. Same as my ex. He abused his family, all his ex girlfriends, his colleages, strangers in public.. etc Its disgusting.

should the mother completely cut the father out (assuming they have since split up) because she knows him as a violent man? She doesn't have to cut him out. If he wants to seek access let him to do. Though it needs to be supervised.


simply, im my opinion, no she shouldnt, she should arrange (if the father wants contact) visits through a centre, a contact centre designed for kids who have troubled parents where the centre can teach the man to be a father, be attentive to his children, the right and wrong things to say/do with his kids etc.







bascially,

your ex was cruel to you. does that mean he is cruel to every women hes ever been in a relationship with? does it mean hes going to bash your child just becasue he did it to you? chances are no, hes not like that to everyone and he wouldnt do it to a child.
Do you really believe that? He may not bash his children but very well may use other forms of abusive tactics on his children. I used to live in an apartment block with my ex and some kids use to ride their bikes out the front, but this was to noisy for him so he verbally abused them. And they were only young.




its not about cutting a parent out because of their mistakes, making choices for someone who is not old enough to make informed life choices, its about making SMART choices. I am not going to encourage my daughter to have a relationship with this man who has blatantly said he will turn her against me. If she wants to know him when she is older thats fine. If he wants to contact me to come and see her thats fine once again. He can fly up to see her.




my DD's father hurt me quiet badly, but with parenting classes and a new wife he has become a pretty good father to DD. i dont like him, he is still mean to me alot of the time, BUT DD and him have a good bond and she is safe with him. its taken 2 years to get to this point it takes time and it takes alot of trust that people around the other person are going to help them along and look out for your child. Thats good for you.


supervised vists are the best thing when it comes to a ''bad'' parent or an abusive parent (towards an adult not the child, if the child is hurt i dont think the parent should see the child..)

I have text messages from my ex saying "just remember sl*t, I treated you like trash, i beat you, i spat on you, and insulted you constantly, does that not tell you what i thought of you, I used to sleep with girls while you were pregnant at home cooking for me and you wait until DD meets me, she will change her last name back, once she compares me to you. Your daughter is gonna grow up to be a sl*t just like her mum, you can both go and get farked. Now go and kill yourself who*e"


This is an example of the messages I used to put up wtih on a daily basis, now I get the odd one here and there.

How could I trust this man with my child?
How could I encourage my daughter to have a relationship with this man?:(

This thread is abit upsetting.

I wouldnt wish what happened to me upon my worst enemy:no:

[Ardentwhispers]

Have to add...since the thread took a little bit of a turn..

I think every person has a right to know WHO their parents are. I think it's the other parents JOB to provide this information to their children (as is age appropriate).

I would be happy as a clam if my son never met his father - and for as long as I can reasonably keep it that way I will.

BUT it's not my place to deny him information if he asks for it. I think parents that do that will find they have adult children with a chip on their shoulder.

I didn't know my dad growing up, and time and time again I asked my mother about him and it was always a "bad time". I know my father now - we have a good relationship that we've been working on for the past 8 years, since he contacted me. My mother's never had anything to do with that - and I honestly cannot understand her motives for keeping me from him for so long - he's a good guy, the only thing he did wrong when I was a kid was to be a bit immature, and he was 20 when I was born so fair enough! Whether or not he was a good guy I would have liked more information from my mother when I asked for it.

My son asks about his dad a lot - has been asking since he was about 5. I always answer him the best that I can. I tell him what he did, where he was from, what he was like, traits they share, why he's not around. Sometimes he asks if he can send him a letter, and I tell him he can't now because I don't know where he is, but when he grows up if he'd like to I will help him find him. It's a lie - I know where he is, roughly...or where his parents are to be exact, but there's no way in hell I'll let my son write letters to have them go unreturned. He knows he HAS a father - he also knows his father has chosen not be a part of his life because he "couldn't be" - which has nothing to do with how much his dad loved him (I try to stress this because I worry about his self esteem).

The way I see it..if I'm honest with him he will realise on his own eventually that his father's a **** for abandoning him. I don't need to tell him that - if I do he'll probably just be angry at me for talking **** about his father anyway, kwim?

If his father had abused me, etc. I would probably tell him at a young age in a way he could understand. "He wasn't very nice to me/didn't have respect for women," and expand on it when he got older. It's hard to know how much information is too much and how much is too little though, isn't it?

[sandy cheeks]

I think it depends.
In abuse cases where the child is at risk or is a result of rape then no I think the child should be told the truth (when they can handle it) about their parent but I think that trust was broken when they abused or raped iykwim and shouldn't get access to their child.
I also think if the parent is addicted and putting the child at risk then they should have to prove they are clean before the main care provider has to hand them over for access.
Same with mental illness (to a extent if the child has been neglected ect) if they wont take their med's and see someone then why should they get access.
In cases where the mother just doesn't like the dad or the dad stuffs around times, dates ect I kind of think both sides need to get over it (I often say this to the ex and it's said to me) I have only just started getting over it I dont tell ds when dad is coming to get him now I wait till I know for sure at the last min then tell him it saved him getting upset, I dont depend on him it's kinda like cs if it comes great if not I am organised for it.
I know it shouldn't have to be like this but sometimes it is. I know this will change as ds gets older and see's how his dad is for himself but why make a huge fuss now.

[nothanksbye]

Have to add...since the thread took a little bit of a turn..

I think every person has a right to know WHO their parents are. I think it's the other parents JOB to provide this information to their children (as is age appropriate).

I would be happy as a clam if my son never met his father - and for as long as I can reasonably keep it that way I will.

BUT it's not my place to deny him information if he asks for it. I think parents that do that will find they have adult children with a chip on their shoulder.

I didn't know my dad growing up, and time and time again I asked my mother about him and it was always a "bad time". I know my father now - we have a good relationship that we've been working on for the past 8 years, since he contacted me. My mother's never had anything to do with that - and I honestly cannot understand her motives for keeping me from him for so long - he's a good guy, the only thing he did wrong when I was a kid was to be a bit immature, and he was 20 when I was born so fair enough! Whether or not he was a good guy I would have liked more information from my mother when I asked for it.

My son asks about his dad a lot - has been asking since he was about 5. I always answer him the best that I can. I tell him what he did, where he was from, what he was like, traits they share, why he's not around. Sometimes he asks if he can send him a letter, and I tell him he can't now because I don't know where he is, but when he grows up if he'd like to I will help him find him. It's a lie - I know where he is, roughly...or where his parents are to be exact, but there's no way in hell I'll let my son write letters to have them go unreturned. He knows he HAS a father - he also knows his father has chosen not be a part of his life because he "couldn't be" - which has nothing to do with how much his dad loved him (I try to stress this because I worry about his self esteem).

The way I see it..if I'm honest with him he will realise on his own eventually that his father's a **** for abandoning him. I don't need to tell him that - if I do he'll probably just be angry at me for talking **** about his father anyway, kwim?

If his father had abused me, etc. I would probably tell him at a young age in a way he could understand. "He wasn't very nice to me/didn't have respect for women," and expand on it when he got older. It's hard to know how much information is too much and how much is too little though, isn't it?


i think this post is great!!!

:iagree::iagree:

Its so hard to know how much to say.

My DS keeps asking about my stepdad who was abusive.
Was he a good dad?
I say No honey he let me down.

I will always let him know who he is BUT I will also tell my kids the truth of what he was like.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

I agree with all of the above.

I am my daughter's mother, and anyone who I find to behave inappropriately is not a part of her life. This includes everyone - I don't care if they're related or not.

If I was in a abusive relationship, I would not want my daughter to have contact with my abusive partner, even though he was her father. It is my job to protect her, and protect her I would.

Would I keep his details and have info about him available to her when she's older? Of course I would - once she's old enough to know the truth (and I would tell her the story with as little bias as possible), I would sit her down and explain it all to her, give her information on him if she liked, and perhaps help her track him down if that's what she wanted.

But would I allow an abusive person into my child's life willingly? No way.

I find it ridiculous that people are suggesting victims of rape or abuse keep track of their abuser so that their children can know their father. If my daughter was a result of rape, and I a victim of rape, the last thing on my mind would be making sure she was able to have contact with this horrible man.

I am in a similar situation with my DS and his biological father who lives interstate (4 hour plane flight).
Does he enrich DS's life, hell no.
DS doesn't know when he will next see him, sporadically calls, cancels trips, confuses him.
DS hates talking about him and wishes he only had one dad (my DH now, who he has known since he was 1).
I am beyond "encouraging" a relationship bewtween them, yet I will never speak negatively about him or stop them from seeing each other.
However I believe DS would be a much happier, more settled, secure little boy IF didn't have the extra emotional baggage to deal with of his deadbeat dad.
Just because they made this child does not give them the right to be a father when it is convinient.
But yes, a child deserves to know who their father is, whether or not they should be a part of their lives is a question that is different is every situation.

[MommaBear]

I think it completely depends on the circumstances.
Theres so many different situations etc... where I would think No its not in the childs best interests to have both parents in their life.

Its not only for those who are physically abusive but mentally as well.
My DD does not see my ex- he decided at one stage towards the end of her 1st yr he wanted to I set it all up he came the first week the 2nd week we he didnt show so i didnt bother- didnt hear from him for another yr then basically he wanted to be able to take her and 'show her off' to his family and friends.
The same type of thing happened 3 times all up then I put my foot down hes either in or his out and hes chosen out so thats the way it is for us- while im not stopping him I'm not in any way encouraging him.
ITS HIS decision to not be in her life as a father figure should be. I will be telling my DD the truth as to why her father is not involved and will keep his details for as long as I can and if she ever wants to, I will encourage my DD to seek him when she is older and able to understand and deal with the implications.


SO I ASK WHERE IS THE CHILDS "RIGHTS" TO KNOW THEIR FATHER WHEN THE FATHER IS THE ONE DECIDING NOT TO SEE THE CHILD???? no one seems to care about those circumstances, only the ones where its the fathers rights...


I say in my post father as the non residential parent simply cos its easier to use then non residential parent.

[Teley]

Sorry for being rude to Asabusymum and singlemumma82. I may not agree with you but I apologise for being a cow last night. It's a very emotive subject.

Peace:shakehands::shakehands:.

[Isabeau]

I think mostly yes but not when the other party is a harm to the child whether it be physical or emotional. I think that alot of children become that of the irresponsible parent and start on the same path when they are subject to all the bad behavious and abuse. That is why there are so many messed up kids and so many young people in trouble with the law and drugs etc

[SassyMummy]

I am in a similar situation with my DS and his biological father who lives interstate (4 hour plane flight).
Does he enrich DS's life, hell no.
DS doesn't know when he will next see him, sporadically calls, cancels trips, confuses him.
DS hates talking about him and wishes he only had one dad (my DH now, who he has known since he was 1).
I am beyond "encouraging" a relationship bewtween them, yet I will never speak negatively about him or stop them from seeing each other.
However I believe DS would be a much happier, more settled, secure little boy IF didn't have the extra emotional baggage to deal with of his deadbeat dad.
Just because they made this child does not give them the right to be a father when it is convinient.
But yes, a child deserves to know who their father is, whether or not they should be a part of their lives is a question that is different is every situation.

That's pretty much how it is here.

I don't talk up her father, and I wish he would either be properly in her life, or bugger right off... but I don't stop her from having a relationship with him, and I won't talk badly about him if she's around.

I figure she'll soon figure out he's an unreliable tosser, and it'll be better if she figures that out on her own, rather than being forced to believe that because of things I've said or done.

[Deserama]

Yes - no exceptions but definetly with conditions.

[MummaBear03]

Yes - no exceptions but definetly with conditions.

So what would you suggest if the child was from rape and the rapist was unknown to the victim prior to the attack, but through taking legal action the person was found? Should the mother have to keep a mental note of that person's full name, date of birth and rough contact details for the child to have access to as an adult? I'm really wanting to know the answer to this. This is affecting a number of people and this is the reason some people are single parents to start with, these circumstances, so if you thing there are no exceptions what are you suggesting they do?

[singlemumma82]

So what would you suggest if the child was from rape and the rapist was unknown to the victim prior to the attack, but through taking legal action the person was found? Should the mother have to keep a mental note of that person's full name, date of birth and rough contact details for the child to have access to as an adult? I'm really wanting to know the answer to this. This is affecting a number of people and this is the reason some people are single parents to start with, these circumstances, so if you thing there are no exceptions what are you suggesting they do?

I didnt concieve from my rape but through the course of legal actions did discover his full name, d.o.b, current address and work place, personally I keep record of this for my own self protection, they will forever be scetched in my mind.

And yes I know this is a personal topic for many people, it is also one for me, I chose the path for my child, as I said last night I would of much rather leave the country than of seen my ex again, I stayed for my DD.

[Deserama]

So what would you suggest if the child was from rape and the rapist was unknown to the victim prior to the attack, but through taking legal action the person was found? Should the mother have to keep a mental note of that person's full name, date of birth and rough contact details for the child to have access to as an adult? I'm really wanting to know the answer to this. This is affecting a number of people and this is the reason some people are single parents to start with, these circumstances, so if you thing there are no exceptions what are you suggesting they do?

Yes I do think that they should keep contact details...if not them, then a relative or someone they trust can have all the access information. Maybe even a lawyer? If they've gone through the legal system that the lawyer reprisenting the mother would have the details as well.

[nothanksbye]

Sorry for being rude to Asabusymum and singlemumma82. I may not agree with you but I apologise for being a cow last night. It's a very emotive subject.

Peace:shakehands::shakehands:.


No problem honey.
I know only too well how emotional topics can make you see red.

:shakehands::flowerz: