Seeking Help

[Tracker]

We always imagined trying for a family as a twosome. But after four years of trying, we find ourselves thinking of a threesome or foursome. In another forum that could be mistaken for something obscene. But in this amazing space it's understood as the simple reality for couples like us ... and it actual feels great to share our experience with understanding people.

After five unsuccessful IVF cycles (+ a miscarriage), and going through the early stages of inter-country adoption – something we hope to return to after having our own baby – we ended up at an expensive restaurant with two of our closest friends, discussing egg donorship. Our friends have three children and had offered to consider donating eggs. Perhaps naively we had imagined creating with them a kind of 'super family' with a child that would grow up in an 'open' environment – family outings, birthdays, picnics; a unique and loving extended family.

That was two months ago. We haven't heard from our friends since and we're coming to the realisation, once again, that the idealism of all those adoption classes and egg donor books does not quite match the reality. We are as determined as ever to have a child but we now understand that neither 'open' nor 'closed' egg donor/adoption is necessarily 'right'. Our child is out there waiting for us and we will happily and gladly bring him or her up according to the situation into which he or she is born – including, of course, the wishes of the donor.

We have been together for 10 years, we are 36 (him) and 40 (her), we met through a love of music. We have great jobs and live in the inner west of Sydney.

We have a big extended family with five nieces and two nephews between us. We would love to be able to bring our own child to our family get-togethers.
We are best friends and spend a lot of time together sharing interests in travel, music, tennis, cooking, books. We have a small circle of close friends. We have told some of them about our infertility situation and they have been very supportive.

Having a family has always been our priority, we have persevered and never let these issues get us down. The thing that has sustained us throughout this journey has been our relationship. It has never felt quite right for us to be in this loving partnership and not to bring children into it.

We realise that donating eggs is an enormous undertaking and in all honesty, we wouldn't believe our luck if we were to find someone kind enough to do that for us. If you are considering being a donor, we would welcome hearing from you. We would be more than happy to answer any questions and go into detail about ourselves, this is only a brief snapshot. We are happy to consider an open or closed relationship with you - or any variation.

Love Tracy and David

[PMS]

Hi Tracey it is lovely to see you here. I hope you have as much success on bubhub as Rain and the others. With a beautiful ad like yours I dont think you will have a shortage of responses. Best of luck. I hope you find your Donor Angel soon.:hugs:

[PMS]

Hello again. I think Im a bit of a thread killer!:(
I hope you get some more respnses to your ad Tracey.

Take care, Peta

[leisurly]

Hi to the two of you

Thank you for sharing your story, I wish you all the very best of luck and a few :hugs: :hugs:

Friends are very important and a sensitive subject like donating can sound great over a few drinks but in the clear light of day, the complexity can dawn, so I'd call your friends and let them off the hook. They probably feel they've given you hope and then realised it was to close for comfort, and now are avoiding you. Be brave and clear the air.:fingerscrossed:

You've made the first step in finding a donor, you need to contact your clinic or a new clinic if your doesn't support your true wishes and start the ball rolling. We are also looking for an egg/embryo donor, and today we had our counselling appointment, I'm now planning on writting a renewed request for a donor. :smiliedance:

Hope we can follow your journey

best wishes Lx

[Tracker]

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for your welcome!

David and I have been on this journey for four years now, so while this is a huge step - it's basically our next logical one.

I'd be really interested to hear from anyone that has placed and ad. and found a donor. I'm not sure if we should be going all out and placing ads. everywhere ie the Parenting magazine etc.? Has anyone had any concerns with privacy ie people you know seeing your ad?

Look forward to getting to know you all.

[sarahstarfish]

Hey Lovely T

Bubhub's ED forum has been going since early March and there have been three matches that we know of on here (unfortunately some recipients are a bit tardy at returning to share their success with others) as well as a natural pregnancy. So that is pretty good going I reckon and a credit to this wonderful and warm community.

I stand by advertising on the net, especially in forums just like this and when you are looking for a known donor. It's free, you are reaching thousands of women in the perfect demographic but much more than that, you have the chance to put meat on the bones of your ad and let people really know what kind of people you are and allow potential donors the opportunity to connect with you through your posts. Honestly, I have yet to know any recipient who has been around the parenting forums and on AED, and who is PREPARED to get out there and wear their heart on their sleeve, not to find their donor. Yes, I can only imagine how daunting and cruel and nerve-racking it must be to put yourself and your story up in lights...but is far quicker than a waiting list and gives you the chance for support and care in return. Oh, and more likely than not, a donor.

The net is now such an effective form of advertising that a clinic ED co-ordinator told me they don't even advise their ladies to advertise in print anymore, but just go straight to places just like this.

If you DO decide to advertise, the Child's still seem the way to go but it's important to try and make your ad stand out, sometimes Sydney/Melbourne Child's have 12/13 ads, all beautifullly worded. So I reckon if I was putting an ad in, I would be going for bold/big characters for both heading and ending sentence and even a graphic to try and draw attention to your ad. Some people actually advertise in 'quieter' Child's - Brisbane usually has one or two, no more than a handful, so if you are prepared to travel, that might be an option as well. The good thing about the Child's is because all publications are online you also get a chance at the online readers as well. Some Ladies have also had success in local papers.

Re people reading your ad in real life and working out who you are, is a bit of a catch-22 because it is just those personal details that are going to catch the eye of potential EDs.


Maybe give yourself a timeframe T....if we look at Bubhub matches, most recipients are finding KNOWN donors within three/four months which is probably indicative across the board (some much shorter, some much longer) but perhaps you want to run a print ad at the same time to maximise your chances? And of course right here is a caring brains trust to try your shorter print ad out on - we won't hold back with either constructive comments or big hugs!

Good luck - hope some recipients can offer you their own stories or ideas.

Love

Cindy

[sarahstarfish]

Oops - meant to add - I love your ad, especially the last par. The huge majority of donors just want to know that the enormity of their gift is understood and appreciated - I like the way you say what it means to you and David.

Love

Cindy

[provencein3]

Can you say who the three recipients are because I'm not sure whether I'm one of them or not. shame on me if I am:shame:

Tracy it took me about 6 months to find a donor. I advertised in brisbane child and got no response. I advertised on the Qld Playgroups email newsletter and got about 4 enquiries to provide information about what was involved. I had an advert on bubhub, AED and that other well know forum (almost got a wrist slap and mentioned who they were).

the advantage of Bubhub and the other one is as Cindy says, its free, you are not limited by space and there is supporting information about egg donation. I eventually put my advert on about 4-6 other forums. I got a lot of responses but they were from ladies who wanted to help but really had no idea of what was involved so a lot of fielding.

yes there are people who are concerned about their identity. they might use different names or something similar or restrict what information they divulge.

I personally found that its not easy to get information about yourself out there in these forums. Its essentially an advertising forum. The traffic volumes vary so you can really only post when someone is responding to you and its all about egg donation so might give an insight into aspects of your personality based on how you write but not who you are. I already have a son and had started to post in some of the other threads on other forums ie "toddlers" or whatever so you can chat about the weather, what you did on the weekend with your son, what you cooked for dinner last night.....things that give an insight into you...not just your medical history. Didn't do it for too long as was a little over forums by that stage but could be worth a try. your signature hopefully will give a hint as to your situation. It was suggested that you could post in the IVF forums to give an insight into yourself but I think they may be of more advantage to those wanting embryos.

So if you've got a lot of money to throw around and want to ensure your time frame to finding a donor is minimised than you can advertise everywhere but probably best to place in the free locations and then experiment a little with the other avenues.

[Roxy]

Good luck with your ad Tracey - I do think that it offers a potential donor a wonderful insight into you and your hubby.

I think Kim has a valid point about trying to post in some of the other forums too. I know that bubhub has some wonderul general chat threads, that arent strictly parenting related. Would be a good way to get to know some other posters, and for them to get to know you. You never know, the donor who comes forward may never have thought to venture into the egg donation threads for any number of reasons.

Not sure if you have done, but maybe also add a link to your ad in your signature line. That way, if you do get brave and venture out into some of the other threads, your ad is always there, following you all over the site!

[Tracker]

Hi Roxy,

Thanks for this great advise, I've done it!

Now hopefully my story will follow me everywhere I go.

Seeya,

[Tracker]

Hi Ladies,

Just wanted to update on what we're up to.

We're going ahead with our last cycle with our own eggs - the flare protocol.

Started yesterday - 300 ml Puregon, next blood test Monday (tomorrow).

We've decided to do this with the attitude that we've got nothing to lose and that we will be able to look back and know that we've really done everything we could ourselves.

Will keep updating on the cycle as we go.

[sarahstarfish]

Hey Tracey

How did the bloods go - hope all is on track.

Wishing you everything for this cycle.

xx

[Tracker]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for checking in on me!
Yesterday's blood test: E2 = 726, 4 follies each side so far, endo = 6

Next blood test and ultrasound on Monday.
Had to start with ganerelix last night.

Also, this cycle I'm having acupuncture every second day!

Phew it's busy, but we want to give ourselves the best chance we can.

[FOURtunate]

Hi Tracker

I'm looking forward to reading your story.

I am a Donor, and cannot help you right now.

But my heart hopes that you find your Angel soon. She is out there somewhere, and maybe doesn't even know that she wants to help you yet.

This is why it's so important to get your word out there.

Good Luck hon! We will be with you every step of the way.

Love,

Michelle

[sarahstarfish]

Hey

Just read your recent post - can I ask what ganerelix is, haven't heard of it.

xx

[Tracker]

Hi Sarah,

It's a suppression drug - instead of Synarel. It comes in an injection form - and is tres expensive!
With the flare cycle - you don't do the long down-reg, with us we started the suppression on day 5 of stims - an injection each day.

BTW - I'm having my transfer today.

The cycle hasn't gone that well, but we have an embie to transfer today, we're grateful to have that.

[sarahstarfish]

Oh OK, so just like Lucrin.

Good luck for today....fingers crossed.

xx

[FOURtunate]

I'm about to start Lucrin.

Not too excited about it.:eek:

[leisurly]

Hi tracker

How are you going any luck from your ads yet

best wishes L:kiss:

[sarahstarfish]

Hey Angel, ouch, two lots of jabs!! Mind you, not nice walking around with the synarel-aluminium-milkshake taste twice a day either!

You'll be fine.

xx

[Tracker]

Hi Ladies,

Thanks for checking up on me.

Sarah - yeah it didn't seem like I was cycling at all without the synarel - I kept thinking that I must have forgotten something.
On Friday we transferred a 4 cell embryo, scientist graded it 1, so we'll have to see. This is the 6th time we've been down this path, so we don't have high expectations.

Lesurly: So far, no interest in being our egg donor :( , how are you going?

[leisurly]

Hi Tracker :fingerscrossed:

I hope this cycle works for you, sorry to here you haven't had any potential donors as yet. From the posts I've read I think that these things seem to work in seasons or cycles. There seems to be a mini run of matches followed by a lull.

I hope you find a donor soon, I'm in a lull as well at the moment, happy just floating. I'm trying to get me life more in balance and look after my poor neck which has become much worse since I joined the forum.

Wishing you success, there seems to be new ladies all the time popping in to find out about donating, thats fantastic and gives us all that little bit of hope.

Lxx

[staysn]

Hi
I have been thinking about becoming a donor for awhile now, after seeing firsthand the sadness my sister and husband have been facing in the last three years. She is fertile and her husband has tested fine too, so they are now undergoing further testing. If it was just a matter of her being infertile I would jump at the chance of being a doner for her.
Your story has touched me, as you sound similiar to my partner and I.

I myself am not interested in having children of my own, I am 30 and have felt this way since I was 18, however I understand that could change.
Being so close to my sister I understand how upsetting and stressful trying to conceive and continually failing is.
Unfortunately I am from Brisbane, however your story and many others here, as well as my sisters has inspired me to research more about being a donor.

[Tracker]

Hi Staysn,

Thanks so much for stopping by, it's lovely to know that people are still reading!

Your sister's story sounds very sad, I'm not sure if they have reached the stage of IVF yet? Sometimes when couples are younger, they don't tend to be moved so fast down that avenue. But when they do, they might find success very quickly. It's only when you get older that ivf success becomes more difficult :p .

It's an amazing thing for you to think about donating. I have joined another forum that may be of interest to you - especially if you are looking for some honest answers on whether this is something you should pursue? There are ladies there that are in the same frame of mind, and those that have already done it. I'll PM you.

[Roxy]

Trace - just to let you know that your link in your sig isn't working hon.....

hope that a donor comes to find you soon - certainly your turn at the good luck wheel!

[Tracker]

Hi Roxy,

Thanks for that (and your good wishes :D ) I've re-pasted the link and it seems to be working for now.

[Roxy]

:yes: its looking good and working now!

[Tracker]

Hi Ladies,

An update from me.

Unfortunately, my 6th and last cycle has gone the way as all the previous 5 - BFN today.

I'm feeling okay, because it was such a long shot and also we wanted to feel we'd given this our best shot.

[ellie72]

Hi Tracy,

sorry to read about your cycle... what a bummer - glad you're not feeling to down about it! I just want to wish you all the very best in finding your donor angel, and that she comes along ASAP.... You and your hubbie sound like really nice people and will make fantastic parents:)

love
allieXX:hugs:

[mumma_jessy]

Hi Tracy,

I just read through your post and thought i'd send you :hugs:

I am extremely interested in becoming a donor myself one day, right now though it is too early for me to feel completelty comfortable, but i am only 23 and hope to one day be ready to help someone like you and your partner acheive their dream.

Although i can not help you, i'm sure there is someone out there who is ready and willing to make your dreams come true. Keep hoping, fate could bring someone any day...

Your ad is beautiful, i wish you both the best of luck in finding an angel.

[jo-anne.36]

hello tracey just jump on to check to see how thing are going with you any luck yet :wave: jo-anne