Please don't Judge me,I just need help fast [Archive] - Bub Hub Pregnancy & Parenting Forum

MummaBear03

28-10-2009, 10:28

This is a very difficult time for you I would imagine, and even more difficult because you have older kids. I would suggest adopting the baby out, but due to the ages of your children, I don't know how that would go down. If they were much younger and not able to understand about pregnancy and babies it might have been more possible to do that. Have you had any counselling with a support service?

WorkingClassMum

28-10-2009, 10:31

Contact one of the counseling services like Open Doors Counselling which is listed on

http://www.bubhub.com.au/serviceshelplinesgrief.php

http://www.bubhub.com.au/serviceshelplines.php

Do you know what YOU want?

Do you have someone apart from hubby to talk to?

Good Luck :hugs:

BeatoNo3

28-10-2009, 10:31

:hugs:hey guess what... I was in the same boat bout 22 weeks ago and now im 22 weeks pregnant. My partner wasnt a fan an i even thoght bout not taking the morning after pill as i wanted this baby, but i took the pill in the end, and in the end im pregnant. I told dp and he said well what can we do an now he is ove the moon and can;t wait. We ain't living off staples but we aint rich either. We have a son who has a few disbailites which takes time and money and he is nearly 3 and we have a 16 month old and now we have another on the way. I can understand it is a hard place to be in. But you kno what u do what u want, if u keep bub there is always help. And i'm with u bout adoption. and as for the abortion if u feel as tho u need to do it then make sure u have a support person such as ur partner tell him exactly how u feel and if he wont listen find someone and fast as it might hit u hard when it is said and done that is a choice only u can make mate. But whateva u do im sure there will b help out there if u need it and im sure dp will come round... I hope ur feeling better

I also think ifu couldnt do it once the chances r it is ment to b. Best of wishes thinkikng of u....

HelenHasTwins

28-10-2009, 10:35

I agree, you have to do what you want and what you feel is right for you, not what your family or husband wants (although you should come to a decison between you both, it still has to be what you want)

I could never imagine myself in your position, it would not be a issue with me but I do feel for you.

I could easily say "Please keep the baby etc" but it is not my life it is yours.

I think you need some councilling very fast.

SassyMummy

28-10-2009, 10:36

I see you don't want suggestions of adoption, and that makes sense. I don't think I could go through an entire pregnancy, dealing with all that comes with it, risk my life to give birth to that baby, have everyone know I'm pregnant, etc etc... it's really quite difficult IMO.

I'd suggest you seek some sort of counselling. Get your head around everything and make sure the decision you're making is really the best you can make... for you, for your family. You don't want to go through with it then regret it... it's better to figure out what is best for you NOW, while it's still fine to do so.

I'd go speak to your GP and ask for a referral to a psychologist. Medicare covers 12 sessions per year.

Isabeau

28-10-2009, 10:39

I feel for you :( Like the other ladies have said what do you want? you should not terminate your baby if you're not completely sure you don't want it. Money is tight for alot of people but we all have to work around that. Mostly you just start compromising on pleasures which never hurts really even though it does suck I know. You should try getting ur husband to go to a counsellor with u. maybe a mediator will help u two work out way to manage keeping the bub & he may have reasons he is keeping to himself why he doen't want it. maybe it is really scaring him on the money front?
Goodluck whatever you decide xox

LeahW

28-10-2009, 10:41

Firstly big hugs to you darl.

I'm another one with two young children who 16 weeks ago found out i was pregnant with #3, like your pregnancy it wasnt a planned one but with time to digest it and get used to the idea we are now absolutely rapted and cant wait to welcome our little bubba into the world. I know by me telling you this isnt going to make you better but i want you to know that whilst your DH might not be too keen on the idea right now the thought of having a baby will grow on him over time, you said your DH doesn't want this baby but what about YOU? Do You want this baby?
I think you need to sit down and have a really good chat to your DH about this - be honest to him tell him exactly what your feeling and together im sure you can make the right descion for your family.

Thinking of you, we are here for you. Take care darl x

leajones22

28-10-2009, 12:29

:hugs: I have been in a similar situation and know the anguish that you are going through. I didn't want to terminate either right up to the day that I went in. This is a heart wrenching decision and one that is only made worse due to time constraints. You have to do what is right for you right now.

I only hope I dont have to be in your position again because I know in myself that it is something that I couldn't do again. Good luck with your decision, and I will be here to talk if you need it.

lambjam

28-10-2009, 12:41

Lots of good advice here, I just wanted to add some :hugs::hugs::hugs:. My own two-cents is that I'm 100% pro-choice, which means enabling each woman to reach the choice that's right for her. Sometimes we need to look past external factors like money and other people's opinions to make this choice, and sometimes we need professional help to reach this point.

I hope you can get some support to help you through this and to make a decision that YOU feel comfortable with.

Help Me Please

28-10-2009, 14:49

I want to thank all of you for responding so fast.Every time I talk to hubby he just turns every thing into a joke and we never talk about it seriously.I am taking your advice I have an appointment to speak to a consellor tomorrow(so glad they could see me straight away).

I feel that if he is growing after everything I did to prevent it then there must be a reason why he is here.Im not very religious but I did eerything short of keeping my legs closed to avoid it.
I will keep you all updated.Thank you for not been judgmental:)

Teley

28-10-2009, 14:59

You sound like you are very attached to this baby.

I would suggest a counselling service:hugs::hugs:. They may give suggestions about how to talk to your husband about it. As for financially, I know this sounds horrible, but things always turn out fine - there's being many people in really horrid financial conditions who've gotten through them no matter what and I'm sure things will smooth out:hugs:. Easier said that done, I know, but it has happened often. Even with me, when I was pregnant I was homeless, jobless, soon became partnerless - and look at me and bub now:sunshine: (diff situation I know but still, we made it and are thriving).

mumma2cubs

28-10-2009, 16:26

28-10-2009, 16:36

:As for your husband, suggest he go to counselling with you and don't allow him to make a joke of it. Tell him how you feel

:hugs:

:iagree:, I think it will do him a world of good, then the 2 of you can sit and have a serious conversation. The decision whether to keep or terminate will effect you for the rest of your lives, IMO it needs to be a unanimous decision.:hugs:

overitand36

28-10-2009, 16:43

sounds like you will be keeping this baby you sound attached and have names

[text deleted by moderator]

wish you all the best with your decision a tough one it will be

delirium

28-10-2009, 16:49

I'm not going to tell you what to do, that is your decision. But I get from you that you want to keep the baby but your partner doesn't. It is ultimately your choice, and I'm not saying you should force a decision on him. Could you both attend some counselling soon so you can talk thru the pro's and con's?

Good luck to you :hugs:

LeahW

28-10-2009, 17:07

I am so glad that you have been able to get some counselling quickly, i think if your DH is willing to go along with you it could be of huge benefit to you both.

I agree with what the other ladies have said, from your post it seems you know deep in your heart that you want to keep this bubba - the names you have picked are gorgeous (if my bubby is a girl she will be called Kaitlyn).

Again goodluck darl, we are all here to support you no matter what you choose to do. Goodluck for tomorrow- please let us know how you go.

poppet

13-11-2009, 21:45

Oh Hun so sorry you are going through this, I couldn't read and not respond, however I don't have any advise just wanted to give you some hugs xxx

Whispers

13-11-2009, 22:09

:hugs:Sorry your going through this.

You need to do what is best for you if your husband truly loves you he will come round and support whatever decision you make. Counseling is a great idea and think you both should give it ago.

honeydew

15-11-2009, 12:31

:hugs: I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you :hugs:

Having read your previous couple of posts, I think going through with the termination will be a huge mistake. You love this baby already, are attached to him/her and have already chosen names. If you were to terminate now I don't think it is something you will ever get over. It is obvious that you want to keep this baby :hugs:

I understand that it's important that your DH's opinion and feelings are taken into consideration, after all he is going to be responsible for this baby as much as you are, BUT if I was in your position and wanted to keep my baby, there is nothing my DH could say or do that would change my mind, even if our marriage was to suffer :no: You have to do what you feel is right and if you want to keep this baby then definitely don't have an abortion :hugs:

delirium

15-11-2009, 13:11

:hugs: I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you

Having read your previous couple of posts, I think going through with the termination will be a huge mistake. You love this baby already, are attached to him/her and have already chosen names. If you were to terminate now I don't think it is something you will ever get over. It is obvious that you want to keep this baby :hugs:

I understand that it's important that your DH's opinion and feelings are taken into consideration, after all he is going to be responsible for this baby as much as you are, BUT if I was in your position and wanted to keep my baby, there is nothing my DH could say or do that would change my mind, even if our marriage was to suffer :no: You have to do what you feel is right and if you want to keep this baby then definitely don't have an abortion :hugs:

:iagree: Your husband helped make this baby. You want this baby, so keep it. I know it will put huge pressure on the marriage, but could you live with yourself terminating to keep him happy? I understand he has valid reasons for wanting the abortion, but bullying you into such a huge decision could damage the marriage more than keeping the child.

:hugs: I hope you can weather this storm, with or without him. This is purely me, but I would leave DH if he tried to force me to abort and treated me the way your husband is.

JimJamsMum

15-11-2009, 13:26

I agree with what everyone else has said. Something to consider is this: if you terminate your pregnancy because it's what your DH wants then you may well resent him. You may lose both your baby and your marriage. You need to decide what it is YOU want because you will live with your decision for the rest of your life. I hope you can find peace with whatever decision you make :hugs:

Annabella

15-11-2009, 14:28

I honestly think he will come around. For my first 2 pregnancies by boyfriend begged me to terminate and I flatly refused. He now can't imagine life without the girls. There were a million reasons for us not to have both of them, we were young, only just got together, he was unemployed, I was studying etc etc. The only reason I had to keep them was that I couldn't terminate, even though it would've made so much more sense to do so.

Go with your gut, I think you will regret terminating this pregnancy, you have named him/her!!!

I think when your baby is born hubby will be very relieved you stood your ground.

moozle

15-11-2009, 19:13

Firstly, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Secondly... you got married at 15??!!! If you're 26 and you've been married for 11 years...

Thirdly, if you had your first child at 16 and took the flack that I imagine you would have had being such a young mother and you are now 26 and married, why wouldn't you keep your child?

Money is really not the issue there are always ways around this. What is the real issue? What is your DH saying in these sessions? What are you agreeing with? Please don't take this the wrong way and I am prepared to be totally wrong but is the baby DH's? Is this why he's pushing so much for you to terminate? It's just confusing when you obviously want to have him/her so badly...

BabelFish

15-11-2009, 23:59

Sweetheart, you can't terminate this baby. Listen to your heart, look at what you've done. Walked out on four appointments? You've seen your bub, you've seen the scan, you know it's a whole baby in there now.

To be honest, if you think your marriage won't survive another baby, I really can't see it surviving a termination. You'll never forgive yourself, and you'll never get over it. Or if you do, it will take a long time and be a lifelong regret.

You have the opportunity NOT to have that lifelong regret. Take it.

Normally I would say to do what's best for you and your family and try to talk it over etc and I do feel that way, but I feel SO strongly your love and desire for this child, that I'm just going to not be politically correct and not be anything but supportive of you and say KEEP YOUR BABY. I cannot see how you will recover (or your marriage last) if you don't. I just can't see how you will get past the devastation, especially as you already have two kids.

I don't know if anyone's ever *really* regretted keeping a baby. I sure as hell know that people have desperately regretted terminating one. Especially in a case like yours when you are already so invested.

Sorry if that is blunt, but I couldn't help writing that after I read your posts.

Mummy2R&K

16-11-2009, 06:49

I support women either way. I'm more pro-life, but I tell you if I were to get pregnant now, no way could I have a baby.

Having said that, AGAINST ALL ODDS, you got pregnant. You took all the precautions yet it still happened.

Sounds like to me, you are supposed to have this lil one come into your life.

My only suggestion would be, if you go through with the termination your marriage may not work either as you will always blame hubby etc.

All the best.

mumma2cubs

16-11-2009, 08:21

Something to consider is this: if you terminate your pregnancy because it's what your DH wants then you may well resent him. You may lose both your baby and your marriage. You need to decide what it is YOU want because you will live with your decision for the rest of your life.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

You are going to end up resenting your husband and that in the end will finish your marriage.

To me it sounds as though you are 1000% emotionally invested in this child - perhaps if you terminated at 6 weeks you wouldn't feel so torn - but at 13 weeks??? That is a complete little being now and you've gone for a scan. I can't see how you wouldn't resent your husband if you were made to end that life.

Don't get me wrong - I am completely pro-choice - I don't want to sound harsh, but you need to be selfish in this choice and not forced into a termination if you can't bring yourself to even go to the appointments.

To me it sounds as though you'd hoped that your husband would have changed his mind at this point - it's clear he isn't going to and you have to consider that if you leave it much longer the termination is more complicated and past the next few weeks will result in a traumatic termination experience for you.

Could I ask what some of your husband's valid reasons are? If it's things like money, age gap, lifestyle etc - these are all insignificant reasons. You'll find resources, money and adjust your lifestyle - your daughters I'm sure would love to fuss over a baby at ages 10 and 8.

If it's other reasons such as bub isn't hubby's or something along those lines - then IMHO he has no right to opinion. He either has to get on board with it and deal with it - or leave. Either way if this is the reason (and I am only speculating) then it sounds like your marriage is in danger anyway - do you want to live with additional guilt that you terminated against your will?

Again, sorry if this is harsh - I am honestly trying to get a better understanding so that I can help you a little more :)

BabelFish

19-11-2009, 12:04

Are there any updates to this thread? I've been worried and would love to hear from you OP!

Sarahlou

19-11-2009, 15:07

I know this thread is a few weeks old now and there may be an outcome already but like all of the other women who have responded, I just had to write something - apart from the very strong feeling I have that you do want this baby, another thought came to me about your husband. It sounds like you were both very young when you had your kids and as such the experience at that time is likely to be very different than what you may experience with this baby - you are so much older and wiser now and I wonder whether it is his memory of how hard things probably were then that is making him fearful of having another child?

At the risk of being totally politically incorrect, is it also possible that you have both changed so much since you were teenagers that no are no longer on the same page?

At the end of the day though, it does seem like you are meant to have this baby and I think you know that too. Having to choose between your husband and your child is a choice that no-one should have to make - but it seems that you may have to and I have to say that if I were in your shoes I would choose the child everytime (it's OK - my husband says the same!!).

I truly hope that when you make the right decision (whatever that ends up being) that you find some peace with it and with yourself.

Teley

24-11-2009, 19:27

:hugs::hugs::hugs:Glad things are getting, if not great, then at least better.

delirium

24-11-2009, 19:38

So glad to hear he has at least partially embraced and accepted this baby. I'm sure when the bub is born he will be glad you didn't abort. Hugs to you for the coming months :hugs:

honeydew

24-11-2009, 20:07

I am so relieved to hear you didn't go through with the termination and that your DH is (kinda) ok with having the baby :hugs::hugs:

Let us know the outcome of your scan once you've had it :)

tga86

24-11-2009, 21:32

I would just like to say that you are one very strong lady and your children are very lucky to have you as their mother. I am glad to hear that your husband has decided that he is willing to work through this with you and to support your decision (whether wholeheartedly or not, he could have walked away altogether)
I wish you and your family the best of luck in the coming months and hope that in the end you can all come together as a happy family and turn what began as a trying time into one with a happy ending. Please keep us updated and congratulations in trusting yourself and standing your ground.
Lots of :hugs::hugs:your way.

and :santa:Merry Christmas:reindeer:

BabelFish

24-11-2009, 23:36

That is simply wonderful news - I'm so proud of you and well done, and I hope you get your little boy.

And if you don't, I bet your hubby is just pathetic over your new daughter the way all men seem to be with little baby girls!

Sarahlou

25-11-2009, 06:59

Yay!!!! big hugs to you and DH for working such a huge decision through together! Sounds like he probably did some soul searching too. You will now be able to start enjoying your pregnancy together and enjoy sharing this with your older kids who will really treasure their younger sibling (my parents had their 3rd child when my brother and and I were teenagers and it was such a special time) and hopefully help out too!!

lovingbeingamum

28-11-2009, 15:07

he did say all the better if it is a boy but if its a girl Im not allowed to come home)I cant say he is still 100% happy about it but he at least understands that this is our baby and to kill it would be like a part of killing us.I have another scan at 18 weeks and that is a week before DH birthday,I'd love to know the sex of baby then so I can give it to him for his Bday.

Hi, I am so glad you have decided not to abort. This little one was obviously meant for you.

Congratulations!!!!:smiliedance:

My husband desperately wanted a boy as well. We found out the sex during a scan at 32 weeks (when my ob thought I was measuring small) and I gave in only because it was his birthday, although I really wanted it to be a surprise. When he found out she was a girl, he was very upset, which made me upset as well, as I believe that a child is a blessing and that sex doesn't matter. Only after a caning from his mates who told him he was lucky to be having a baby at all (I have endo & adenomyosis and had to have 2 lots of surgery and 6 mths of drugs to kill off the dreaded disease just to have her), and he started to come around. Once that baby was born his paternal instinct kicked into gear and you couldn't wipe the smile off his face for days. I hope your hubby will also come around if the bub is a girl, especially as you already have two beautiful daughters.

I wish you all the best.