How dumb can a person be! [Archive] - Bub Hub Pregnancy & Parenting Forum

Boobycino

28-10-2009, 07:58

Sorry, venting!

After last night where I got quite cross with DP because I want to enlist and involve him in the bed time routine - because bubba doesn't sleep at night and frankly, on the days that I work, I dont have the energy to bath Jasper - as well as do the grocery shopping, vaccuming, cooking, cleaning, laundry AND be a FULL TIME mum (i take bub to work with me as I'm a childcarer) - so I was already irritated with his lack of involvement when I was asking him repeatedly last night. He wouldn't even play with his son for 5 freaking minutes last night so I could make dinner. So as soon as bub was in bed I got in the shower and DP ONLY THEN (that bub was asleep) immerges from his office which he'd been hiding in for the two hours he'd been home to ask me whats for dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AH!!!!!!!!!!!

I told him nothing - so he cooks HIMSELF dinner AND NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANYHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We then reconnect over him helping me with the computer and it did end up a reasonable night after a firm chat - which I will be repeating tonight - because I'm no longer accepting that bub is 100% soley and completely my responsibility.

SO - now we come to the actual reason for my rant.

I slept in bubs room last night and bub woke at 6:30 as usual and by some miracle I was able to cuddle him back to sleep - until DP came in at 7:30 - and in his defense he was being affectionate and exhurberant and when I shot him a glare and hissed a "shhhhhhh" at him he did settle down next to us for a quiet cuddle and THEN he started TALKING!!!!

WELL!!!

OF COURSE bub wakes up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I glare and hiss at him again, still half asleep myself, hoping I can convince bub to go back to sleep again, but he's seen daddy so he's excited, but DP practically scurried out of the room when I 'shhhed' him, because I probably sounded like a snake about to bite him.

BUT when I took wide awake baby out to him and said "well, you woke him, so he's your problem now" he announced he needed to have a shower! I told him thats not fair and he said he needed to get ready for work.

I was tempted to strip off bub and put him in the shower with DP and say "well, this is perfect considering you didn't bath him last night"

But I'm too irritated to deal with him right now.

AHHHHH!!!

Phew

feel better now

TripleTime

28-10-2009, 08:41

Before i read your post i thought 'pretty bloody dumb' but thats people i come in contact with who have stupid comments.

DF wouldnt be game enough to be like that with me, if he went to have a shower a baby or 2 would be right behind him ready to get in.

Seacretsquirrel

28-10-2009, 09:11

Yep I would have stripped bub off and handed him in!

DH hates bathing our 2 (not that he is home much to do it) but will happily sit in the shower with one or both of them and DD has been known to drag him into a bath too. But he doesn't liek sitting with then when they are in the bath tub. So perhaps getting your DP to take bubs into the shower might be better than getting him to "bath" him. (oh and he is better now DD is bigger with helping with more things he was a bit useless when she was tiny but once she was 9 months and a bit more robust he was better and he is better with DS than he was with DD).

Glad you feel better after having a vent though it is good to get it all out!

DoubleDelight

28-10-2009, 09:24

BabelFish

28-10-2009, 09:56

Chel, we had the opposite issue in our family. Because my DP is home most of the time, and I'm very pregnant, it was getting to a point where he was doing just about everything. He never complained but I had been feeling guilty about it for AGES. I'm just so tired all the time - it's really hard to manage. But there's things I CAN do and so I wrote out a list of jobs for us both and discussed them with him.

Now, I get DD up in the mornings, change her and dress her. We play for a bit, then Daddy gets up and gives her breakfast. The rest of the morning is mine. I do the jobs that are `my' jobs now, and then I go back to bed to sleep. He puts her down for her morning nap.

I get her up when she wakes and take care of her and play with her etc until her afternoon nap. That gives my DP a good six hours or so to study (he's a full time student) without having to worry about looking after her or me. And I've had a good long sleep in the morning so I'm full of beans.

I give her dinner. He then takes her five nights a week for her bath while I cook our tea. Then we take turns putting her to bed.

My jobs are: cook dinner 5 nights a week, dishes, take the dogs out 3 times a week and feed them at night, put the washing on and fold it, do the grocery shopping, and do all of our bills and accounts (the last which I've always done anyway). I also clean the loos and bathrooms once a week.

His jobs are to vacuum twice a week, hang out and bring in the washing, cook dinner twice a week, feed the dogs in the mornings and take them out 4 days a week (usually with DD), tidy the house in a general way (i.e. picking up toys etc) and bring in the grocery shopping from the car and put it away.

I get the mornings, he gets the day time, we share the nights. I get a big sleep, he gets to study. We know what our jobs are and they're evenly shared. We've been doing it 1.5 weeks and it's working PERFECTLY! It's so awesome because I don't feel guilty for not doing anything anymore, and I get a daily sleep, and he has his own time too.

I would suggest something like this for you - that way your jobs and duties are clearly outlined and you have an agreed plan to stick to. It clears the way for a lot of resentment and frustration and can really make things work well.

Boobycino

28-10-2009, 10:03

It's all about negotiation, if he is part of your family then he needs to participate in the activities that contribute to the wellbeing of the family. Perhaps he needs to start doing more of the non child related chores and start pulling his weight.

Plus next time he's asleep DS might decide to be exuberant with Daddy :D

Haha, I agree!

Tomorrow morning, if we're up before DP - which is usually the case - we're going to offer him some affection and cuddles :laughing:

I just cannot understand why someone would smooch a sleeping baby! Particularly when its a total miracle that bub was sleeping at 7:30.

I suppose I should also point out to DP that its completely understandable that he wanted to cuddle and be affectionate with his son when he's not really interacting with him in the evenings. DP needs to bath times and play times as quality time, not as a chore, because its really not.

I am starting to bargain with DP - like I wont just say "can you watch bub for me" its always "can you watch bub, so I can cook dinneretc"

So he knows I'm not asking him to watch his own son so I can sit on my bum and twiddle my thumbs, its so I can get things done.

And if he doesn't take bub off my hands I simply dont cook dinner.

Because I wont try to juggle the whole household alone.

I'm more than happy to eat cereal for dinner from now on if DP doesn't help out more.

kar

28-10-2009, 10:40

BabelFish

28-10-2009, 10:55

Chel, it is is his own son. You shouldn't have to ask him 'watch him for you'. He should be doing it because he is Jasper's dad. You should be able to have some time out to sit on your bum twiddle your thumbs if that is what you need.
Exactly. If you want to twiddle your thumbs then so be it!

Do you ever say to your DP `you never DO ANYTHING!' and see what he says? It's my bet he would say `I work' to which you could answer - `what do you think I do? Your work starts and finishes at set hours. MY work goes 24 hours a day, without a break. If you find giving Jasper a bath a chore - why is it not a chore for me to look after him either? For you it's work and a chore, but for me it's a walk in the park??'

Gabi

28-10-2009, 11:40

:banghead: How very frustrating for you. You must be insanely tired and worn out.:hugs:

I second Chesby's suggestion. Write down everything -in detail- that needs to be done to keep the house going and to keep the family going. Then sit down with DP and divide it equally. Do it at a time when Bub is in bed so it doesn't feel like Bub is at the centre of the disagreement. Go in with a plan of the bare minimum you will accept from DP, but also be sure to ask him for his perspective.

Find out (verbally) what he expects from himself and what he expects from you. Putting his expectations into words may help him to see that either a) his expectations of himself are too low and his expectations of you are too high or b) he is not living up to his own expectations of himself as a father/partner.

Finally, I think it'd be a good idea to find out what he needs/wants from you. After all, if dinner is not a priority to him, then you not cooking it won't matter one jot to him and he will not change. On the other hand, if what he really wants is a good talk with you, or for you to cuddle him at certain times, then you have the beginnings of a plan to get him involved.

Isabeau

28-10-2009, 12:00

MumNeedsCoffee

28-10-2009, 12:02

:hugs:I've had many days like this.

I've decided the perfect punishment.
We do a bubhub flash mob.
Any DP/DH moments like this and all us bubhub mummies suddenly appear at your place to drop all the kids off with the offender for some daddy daycare and we get to take you out for a nice relaxing coffee. And if the house is not clean or dinner ready when we return we want to know why! :)

JiminyCricket

28-10-2009, 12:16

Sometimes I find my partner will not notice when I am struggling to get things done , he will be sitting on the couch reading a book while I am cooking dinner and trying to tend to bub's at the same time and he wont even get up and help until I start bashing the pots and pans around , then he'll say something like '' Do you want me to do anything''!.

I think men need to told plain and simple exactly what you want them to do and told that you cant do everything.
They just dont seem to notice when someone is havivg a hard time.

If he still says no to helping once you've talked about it then stop cooking him dinner everynight and stop washing his clothes for him.

You could guilt trip him a bit too , when he doesn't take your baby for a bit say something like this to Jasper-
" Come on Jasper, Mean old Daddy doesn't want to play with you, mummy loves you lets go in the kitchen and help mummy cook dinner."

RmumR

28-10-2009, 12:32

In our house its DP's job to bath and put DD in her PJ's while i cook dinner. If he doesn't want to do the bath he can do dinner instead which doesn't happen.

Chickadee

28-10-2009, 12:45

I think men need to told plain and simple exactly what you want them to do and told that you cant do everything.
They just dont seem to notice when someone is havivg a hard time.
Yup, I agree. Men need to be told what we need from them.

From my own experience, DH was willing to help but (a) simply didn't know what to do, or (b) didn't know how to do some things, or (c) was scared that I'd be angry at him if he attempted something for DD and didn't do it my way or up to my standard. That third one was an eye opener for me! Once I'd shown him how to do certain things that he didn't know, I then had to step back and let him get on with it all and remember not to be critical. So what if he did the nappy strangely or put her in an odd outfit? In the end I learnt some things from him too - like that DD really was ready for chalk & chalkboard, and that a few drops of food colouring in the bath makes it more fun :)

good luck finding a balance with him.

moozle

28-10-2009, 13:54

How annoying - He just doesn't get it. You think it would be common sense but obviously not!

Raising Leprechauns

28-10-2009, 14:31

Gosh - I could have written that post up to a few weeks ago. Then I had surgery on my hand and DH HAD to help - and boy did he get a big shock as to how much I was really doing - as well as working. He's been a different man ever since - lets see how long it lasts!

MyTwoBlue

28-10-2009, 14:47

makes me feel so lucky to have my man!! yours sounds so lazy...he needs a reality check, like you said bub is not solely your responsibilty

DoubleDelight

28-10-2009, 14:47

just adopt my mantra, sung to myself at times of high idiot invasion, to the conga tune

"Can't put brains in statues, can't put brains in statues" and add a little mental kick at the end ;)

Boobycino

28-10-2009, 16:06

oh the joys of being the captain of the ship hey.
I received comments like your whats for dinner while I was being physically sick in a bucket a few weeks ago. aren't they wonderful. not. I agree why should we have to ask them to help when they can do whatever they want & feel no responsibilty? I never get to sit and twiddle my thumbs :(

DP asked "whats for dinner" while I was on the phone to a health direct, holding screaming 6 month old Jasper with a 39 degree temp.

At that point I think I *gently* threw the baby at him.

(Afterwards he clarified that he meant he would cook dinner - BUT - he just didn't get that food was the last thing on my mind. I was asking a nurse if we should be taking bub to the hospital... dinner wasn't exactly a priority at that point in time)

I think with DP it is a matter of ignorance about whats involved in my day. If he's on a late shift with work he leaves around 10 am and bubs in bed and I'm on bub hub - and gets home at 7pm and bubs gone to bed and I'm on bub hub and he makes a commment like "did you actually move since I left?"

:rolleyes:

Yeah no hun, our son just wandered around the house unsupervised, un fed, I didn't change his nappy or anything today... oh and the food in the fridge prepared itself. And the clothes in the draw washed and folded themselves. And the poo fairy scraped bubs nappies!!!

I have actually asked DP once if he thinks fairies wash and fold his clothes - because he didn't give me a satisfactary response to that question the laundry fairy is also on strike... it was almost pleasurable when he opened a draw and asked me where his clothes were :laughing: (they were dirty in the washing basket where he'd left them)

I talked to my mum about this today and she's really proud of me... my mum was a stepford wife... so I suppose my main female role model did do absolutely everything without complaint. I'm breaking free of the cycle! (slowly but surely)

I like the idea of dropping bubs off with a dadda and then coming home and complaining if things aren't done.

Oh and I do apply the guilt sometimes, but also in a nice way like if DP is hiding out and bubba get whiney (which he just does in the evenings as I'm sure most bubbas do) I loudly say "aww, I know bubba, you want to play with dadda. Daddas busy, he'll come and play with you in a minute"

It can be very effective - though DP knows I'm just playing him.

Or my favourite, as DP walks passed us to go into his office I shout "chase daddy!!!" and Jasper squeals with excitement and runs after his dad with his arms up.

How can you resist that?:laughing:

SuperGranny

28-10-2009, 17:37

hi chel, ,Like others have said, men do not see as we can see, Men dont have any concept of what needs to be done, they need to be told exactly what we want, and what we need them to do. Please excuse me if you happen to be a male, or if you are married to one of the few men who can see these things. I have been married for 33 years, to a wonderful man, but I had to tell him what I needed him to do and it had to be in words of one syllable and it had to be ' do this now' and 'do this right now. I never bothered with the gentle discussions, or the 'lets divide the chores equally' or a list of things I might need help with one day. When you have three babies under two, and then four under 5.5 yrs, there is not time to be diplomatic and polite. Marie.

BabelFish

29-10-2009, 00:32

I must be one of the very few lucky ones who's man has never needed to be told anything to do with the house or our daughter. He loves spending time with her, has no problems feeding, bathing, dressing, settling, entertaining - anything else. He knows her routines, he knows her quirks, he knows everything about her. We barely need to communicate when it comes to her because he and I have done this 50/50 from the beginning so we just are in a groove.

He also has always done the majority of the housework and is independent and capable without instruction.

This could have something to do with the fact that he had a single Mum since the age of 12, and was raised by her and his two older sisters, became the man of the house early, and has always been responsible for these kinds of things.

I think it's sad that men have got themselves into a position where women think that they're pretty much hopeless and need instruction in every, little thing. It would probably really help a lot of guys if they were just thrown in the deep end a few times - I think they'd pleasantly surprise many of their partners!

Tonight, we were at my parents' place. Mum was feeding DD and asked Dad to get her some pureed fruit and yoghurt out of the fridge. I happened to be standing behind him when he looked. He was lost - completely. I don't even live there and I had to show him where everything was. Hilarious. But then, my Mum's always done everything and it's been proven in the past that when she's away or not around that he's really pretty capable!

MyTwoBlue

29-10-2009, 07:58

I think it's sad that men have got themselves into a position where women think that they're pretty much hopeless and need instruction in every, little thing. It would probably really help a lot of guys if they were just thrown in the deep end a few times - I think they'd pleasantly surprise many of their partners!

Tonight, we were at my parents' place. Mum was feeding DD and asked Dad to get her some pureed fruit and yoghurt out of the fridge. I happened to be standing behind him when he looked. He was lost - completely. I don't even live there and I had to show him where everything was. Hilarious. But then, my Mum's always done everything and it's been proven in the past that when she's away or not around that he's really pretty capable!

:iagree: to the first para
My parents are exactly the same...even when they are in the car together mum is always 'saving' him from some kind of acko...yet when he is driving on his own he never has any accidents or close calls lol

MumNeedsCoffee

29-10-2009, 08:15

Thought I'd share my DP moments like this

A few weeks ago DD and I had gastro. I was holding DD vomitting into the sink. DP came by and said he was going out for the night and not to worry he'd be back early in the morning to look after us. I told him he had to stay home to help and he kicked up a big tantrum about needing to get out of the house.

Last night DD had a bad night and I managed to get her to sleep on my chest. I asked DP to sterilise a couple of bottles and have one bottle of milk ready for her 10 o'clock feed. He chose to play the computer instead and went to bed.

But he has some wonderful moments too.

I agree with PP's that men can just be oblivious that we need help and we need to ask them directly what we need.

MyTwoBlue

29-10-2009, 08:20

Last night DD had a bad night and I managed to get her to sleep on my chest. I asked DP to sterilise a couple of bottles and have one bottle of milk ready for her 10 o'clock feed. He chose to play the computer instead and went to bed.

But he has some wonderful moments too.

I agree with PP's that men can just be oblivious that we need help and we need to ask them directly what we need.

You did ask him directly what you needed and he still choose to ignore you!!??

TripleTime

29-10-2009, 08:22

I agree with PP's that men can just be oblivious that we need help and we need to ask them directly what we need.

Hell yes!!

All our Dr's appointments & everything is finally starting to catch up with me & im stressing about everything even though things are getting easier we're picking up more Dr's. DF had no clue until i broke down last night.

MumNeedsCoffee

29-10-2009, 09:37

You did ask him directly what you needed and he still choose to ignore you!!??

I know realised what I'd written contradicted.
Yep DP has some really unforgiveable moments.
But I have to admit I'm a big cause of problems myself as I'm always saying I'm fine, I'll cope and he needs a break after a long day at work so go out. And I blow up on a regular basis. Or I'll just expect him to offer help, when I think it's obvious and blow up when he doesn't when he would have helped and more often than not does help when I ask and often when I don't. I'm often stressed, irritable and snappy and I'm generally not a nice person to be around so I can understand when he escapes sometimes.

And he has some shining moments. When DD was 6 weeks old I was admitted to hospital with PND. It was sudden. It was DP's birthday. All of a sudden I was gone and he was left holding a baby who had only ever been breastfed, he had no bottles, no formula. He had helped with DD alot but hadn't spent any time alone with her. But he looked after her all by himself and is so proud of it.
And he works 12 hour days, 3 hours travel to and from work, and if I need a break he will take over for the morning.

There's always so much more to the story isn't there.

But my biggest mistake is thinking I'm the mum, it's my job and I won't ask for help and wonder why I don't get help when I need it. I think the problem is that unless the man is the stay at home Dad they just don't see what we go through day to day and don't understand. When DP has gotten DD revved up just before bedtime, I leave him with her so he can deal with it and understand why it's not a good thing.

TT - I hear you! I have a meltdown every week over hospital appointments and you have it x 3. :hugs:If there's anything we can do to help, even if you just need someone to come over and give you a hand and vent to. Let me know.

kar

29-10-2009, 09:40

oh the joys of being the captain of the ship hey.
:(

This is exactly it! I was trying to explain to my wonderful DH who does lots of baby care, lots of housework etc, BUT I am still in charge of EVERYTHING. Finances, social life, house, baby, EVERYTHING.

And I don't want to be in charge of everything.

Sorry, Chel a minor whinge compared to what you go through.

TripleTime

29-10-2009, 09:55

TT - I hear you! I have a meltdown every week over hospital appointments and you have it x 3. :hugs:If there's anything we can do to help, even if you just need someone to come over and give you a hand and vent to. Let me know.

Thanks Skye.

~isis~

29-10-2009, 14:01

i can say my dp is kind of the same... the only time i ask him to help me with bub is sunday morning i ask that he gets up at 5 am insted of me as my dp thinks i should be able to stay up all night with him (til 1am, if i say im going to bed at 11 i get the whole why are you so tired... and told my life is so much easier than his) then up between 3 and 5 every morning i know i am a stay at home mum so i dont think i expect much from him, just get up and look after bub until 8 am so i can get a few hrs catch up, then he is welcome to sleep when i get up. all i ask is that bub gets his bath 7.30 but it never ever happens, and if bub has done a really bad nappy, dp thinks its ok to wake me.... i tell ya so far 8 months and hmm i think only now that im pregnant again he is learning..

Boobycino

29-10-2009, 14:30

Its funny how it can read sometimes like they're talking about 14 year old sons, not the father of our children!

I've come up with a plan. I'm gonna break it down and make it very simple for DP.

He uses two things as an excuse not to help out with the day to day stuff (because he does help out on weekends and he does do cleaning like vaccuming etc on the weekends - and he takes bub to the shops and stuff, so thats something) first excuse is because he works all different hours - so I cant say he has to bath Jaspe every night because some nights he's not home till 8:30pm. Nor can I say he has to get up with bub every morning because some mornings bub sleeps in till 8am and DP leaves at 7am. Though he only ever works a 9 hour day including travel time, so no matter what, there are still 3 hours where bub is awake that DP is home - just they're either in the morning or night.

SO gonna make it really simple.

DP has to spend 1 hour a day with his son.

Just 1 hour. Thats it. Thats all I need.

If he starts work after 9:00 am then he has to get up with bub at 7ish and let me sleep in - though only Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays, because I work Tuesday Thurday mornings, so we're already up and out of the house at 7am. (ugh painful)

If he starts BEFORE 9:00 he's getting home before 6pm - so he can do the night time routine from 6pm onwards. Bath him, dress him, give him a bottle and read him a story and pop him to bed.

Its just 1 hour a day.

That would be wonderful.

The second excuse he uses is slightly more valid, but because he works from home he needs that time either before or after work, during 'business hours' to make phone calls and stuff, so its hard when Jasper goes to bed at 7pm, he cant actually make calls after 7pm.

But then I might ask him whatcalls I can make for him during the day while bubs napping - because we're in this together - I'm happy to help him with job if he helps me with 'mine'.

Might work...

I just worked out the issue!

We're both just stretched way too thin. He's working effectively two jobs - one 40 hour a week in an ofice and the other he's setting up to work from home because ultimately he does want to be able to generate enough income that he can work exclusively from home a few hours a day and then be more available to help out so we can have more children.

But in the mean time his full time job is making not enough money and his at home business is currently costing money with set up costs - so I'm working also - AND still being a FULL time mummy.

AND then we're both trying to be people with thoughts and feelings and needs and wants and trying to have social time, time together, time with family...

There just aren't enough hours in a day.

The sooper nanny

29-10-2009, 17:06