Gender disappointment still! [Archive] - Bub Hub Pregnancy & Parenting Forum

Countrydeb

27-10-2009, 13:56

I was wondering if anyone else still felt sad about the gender of their new baby....My [4th] son is 7 weeks old and i love him to bits but i'm still sad i didn't get a girl.......I am 42 and have to be realistic ,i don't think i will be able to chance another baby.......So sometimes i am just sooo sad that this is my life ,i know i shouldn't be ,and i try to face up to what i do have instead of what i don't but it's not easy.....i see baby girls everywhere and women who have both sexes and think why isn't that me......We are due to go to a family outing on friday and i so don't want to go as both my sil's will be there with their baby girls...I still can't pretend that i am over the moon about another boy even tho i love him i am slowly becoming in-love with him iykwim.......I just wish i could have had twins ,one of each,that would have been perfect,hard work but would've solved my problem.....I don't know if my body can handle another pregnancy let alone another labour and the risk of having another boy are scary...I have no love for another boy so would have to terminate and that is another scary subject i don't even want to think about.....I know ,realistically,that a girl won't change much in my life but i'm just so tired of boy stuff..... i get joy out of my boy but none out of shopping for him,and it saddens me to see all the pretty girl stuff when the boy stuff to me is boring,,,don't get me wrong my boy is dressed in cute stuff and i care about his every breath,and i want the very best for him ,i think this is more what i've lost or not getting....i am going to start with my counsellor again as i can't talk to anyone about it in the depth and with the emotion that i want to ,i am fighting tears as i write this...I can't even tell dh that i am still so sad and this is the reason why i do not want to go to this family do......he'll not understand and just get angry with me.....i know he'll get a buzz from introducing his new son to everyone...will have to come back later

27-10-2009, 14:11

(((hugs))) I feel slightly similar, but have 2 girls. I was so sure dd2 was going to be a boy. Perhaps that is why I want a 3rd bub?

(((hugs))), I do think a councillor is a good place to start.

BeatoNo3

27-10-2009, 14:21

Hey there, Chin up.....

I have 2 boys and now having my third. Altho i am only 23 I am having my tubes done for a number of reasons. I thought I would b a bit disappointed and I guess i was to a point coz every man and dog n women and cat go oh what a shame its not a girl. And im like wtf? I am blessed with a baby some ppl dont givin the chance in the world Not sayin this to u at all. But thats just what ppl say o me. But now I think i dont kno if i could handle a girl i have the boys toys and clothes and stuff. And altho the change would have been nice i dont think i would have coped. Well I hope things look better for and i hope u have a good weekend out with the family. best wishes...

CrankyAndTired

28-10-2009, 00:05

I'm sorry to hear you're still experiencing GD countryDeb...:( Have you considered adopting a little girl? Thats one of our options if something prevents me from having more kids.. :hugs:

jo101

28-10-2009, 00:43

I recently had my 3rd boy at the age of 40. Like you country deb, I'm very unsure if my body could handle another pregnancy ( and dh and I would be very lucky indeed to succeed again at ivf, as the specialists consider someone my age almost ready for the nursing home fertility wise :rolleyes: )
I too was disapointed when the sonographer told us it was a boy, but only for about a day, my second pregnancy I was far more disapointed then this time. What worked for me was thinking about the negative things having a girl would mean , like my daughter reaching puberty right when I'm reaching menopause :laughing:
At least with your boy pretty much know what to expect when that time comes ;)
the way you think about the situation really makes the world of difference, your focusing on the negatives right now in that you feel this was your last chance to have the girl you always wanted, that thinking is getting you down, so maybe instead try and focus on what a wonderful blessing it is to have a beautiful healthy baby !
I had a tubal ligation at the age of 28 never dreaming I'd ever want another child, but things can change so much, none of us ever know whats around the corner..

alphafemale2901

28-10-2009, 04:20

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

I have a friend with two boys who was pretty disappointed to learn she was having another boy with her 2nd. She always laments not having a girl and is always wanting to try for another in the hope that she'll have a girl. She spends a lot of time with my DD who is nearly 15, and I think that is helping her realise how much trouble girls can sometimes end up being. :rolleyes:

Try to stay positive. I bet you're a great mum to your no doubt adorable little boy. Best of luck getting through this with your counsellor.

LittleBubbles

28-10-2009, 06:04

Hi countrydeb :hugs:

I too am desperately wanting a girl. I know of about 5 other women having babies around the same time that I am - and they were all blessed with a girl.

I've had 3 scans done and no one can tell me the sex of my baby. I said from the start that if it's a boy - i'd rather know so I have time to adjust to the idea. I don't want to believe i'm having a girl right up until the end and go "oh - a boy".

I've recently come to terms with being happy with either sex. I already have 1 boy - and another will just mean he'll have someone to grow up with.

I've spoken with my DH about the possiblity of having another child if we don't get a girl this time. He didn't seem too fond of the idea, as we're not exactly a well off family in terms of money.

To make it worse - everyone just seems to believe i'm "destined" to have 2 boys. Especially because that's what my mother in-law had. It makes me :banghead:

I know it's not the same - But if you decide not to have more children - Maybe one day your DS will bless your family with little girls.

RHJ

28-10-2009, 10:25

I have 3 boys and have also always wanted a little girl. I was so upset when i found out my 3rd was a boy. I really deep down prayed they were wrong and he would be born a girl. He wasn't and yes i adore him...but like you i still wish i had a girl as well as him! Now, i wouldn't swap him for a girl... but i still REALLY long for a daughter. I think that mother daughter bond is so special. I am so close with my mum and get really jealous when i see other mums with their daughters. Boys are beautiful too... but i have those bonds already with my other sons, so is it really so wrong for me to want to experience the bonds with a daughter?
I get so angry when people say "it doesn't matter as long as they are healthy" or, you were "destined to be the mother of boys" or Only the strongest and best mums get all boys. You know what... it does matter to me. maybe it shouldn't, but it does! Just because 'you' think it doesn't matter doesn't mean everyone feels that way. Of course, my first priority was for a healthy baby, but why do people make it so wrong to want one gender or another! I especially get narky when it comes from a parent who has both gender children! how would they know how i feel, when they haven't experienced it!.

For me- 16 months after my little boys birth, i can say for me, it has eased a little. Or rather i guess i have accepted it more that i won't have a girl but the longing is still there for sure. It is really important that you do talk to someone who you know you can trust and under stand about the feelings that you are having. feel free to PM me too if you want. xoxox

RedPanda

28-10-2009, 14:29

I have PM'd you CountryDeb. :hugs:

Countrydeb

29-10-2009, 01:07

Thanks Ladies for the wise and caring words and hugs.......
I, too ,have the most maddening things said to me about this....and mostly by women who have children of both sexes,talk about frustrating.....the guilt is the worst for me,that's why it's so hard to talk about ,people will think i don't love my bub,it's such a separate subject now,he's here ,a daughters not....god i sound crazy don't i?????..Time will help as you say i'm sure and i will just fall more and more in love with my little one and IT won't matter that much ...:fingerscrossed::fingerscrossed::fingerscrossed ::fingerscrossed::fingerscrossed::fingerscrossed:

mysunflower

29-10-2009, 06:01

hi there

yes i can understand where you are comming from
i also have boys and another on the way the day i had my scan i just cried even writting this it brings tears most people just dont understand of course we are going to love our little boys but its hard i feel cheated why didnt i get a baby girl to love and cherish when everyone around me has both even my dh had a cry at the scan as he also longed for a daughter but this is our last bub this has been a very hard preganacy on my body and he is having the snip.
but yes i go shopping for clothes and it gets hard having to walk past all the pretty pink and purple and pretty dresses it always pulls at heart strings

i lie in bed at night and just cry or in the shower most people dont understand or say to me oh boys are much easier than girls and i get so annoyed whaT Would thet know they only have Girls......
isnt it every mothers dream to have a daughter to do the mother daughter thing with just as dads want sons to carry on the family name and so they can go out and do boy things and they can live there childhood again cause boys well be boys

so country deb yes i do understand hugs to all us mums PM me if you would like its nice to know that i am not alone in this world

yes i do have nieces but dont get to see them and all my friends have daughters ...

tr1na

03-11-2009, 09:02

I too am desperately wanting a girl. I know of about 5 other women having babies around the same time that I am - and they were all blessed with a girl.

I've had 3 scans done and no one can tell me the sex of my baby. I said from the start that if it's a boy - i'd rather know so I have time to adjust to the idea. I don't want to believe i'm having a girl right up until the end and go "oh - a boy".

I feel the same way. I am having a scan done in 3 days. I hope they tell me its a girl. Although Ill be happy either way, I just REALLLY have my heart set on a little girl for my first child. My whole life Ive been dreaming of having a girl, then another girl, then a boy, then a girl again, then a boy. I doubt If get as far as 5 kids, but its something Ive dreamt about forever, and to have my dreams change, and my plans change is something Ill have to deal with. Thats why I decided to find out the sex of the baby so I wont be dissapointed at the birth, and then have to re-plan my whole life (when I wont have the time to).

-Family doesnt understand my decision to find out the sex of the baby, but I feel that it will also help make my baby a person, rather than 'it'.

jaesmummy

05-11-2009, 07:05

I know exactly how you feel. I have six children and am pregnant with my seventh. We have 5 boys and 1 girl so far and really, really want this baby to be a girl. Even though I already have a girl, she is now 13 and not the natural child of my hubby. I'm really blessed to have such beautiful, lovely children, but I'd so love for my hubby to experience a baby daughter. My new baby is 10 weeks old now and I thought I'd be really upset when he was born because he wasn't a girl, but as soon as I saw and held him, I thought he was great. If this baby is a boy, I'll be disappointed at first, but it will be cool to have all my boys around me when they grow up into men. I will be 41 when this baby is born and I know what you mean about your body not being able to handle it. I am really scared about how much this pregnancy is going to hurt me. My last one was real torture. But we are stronger than we think, mentally and physically and I know this sounds like philosophical blah, blah, but I do believe each of our children is meant to be with us for a reason.. my mum didn't want my older brother, but had him anyway. When I was 2 years old I fell in a river. My 8 year old brother was the only one who saw and jumped in and saved my life. If mum hadn't had him, she would have lost me that day. She said she learnt a very important lesson about not fooling around with the natural order of things!! :hugs::flowerz:

mim1

05-11-2009, 20:21

I was sure I was having a girl with my pregnancy and I was so upset when I found out that I was having a boy at the 20 week ultrasound. I think it took about 5 or 6 weeks to sink in and then each time I had another ultrasound (I had GDM so I had 2 more) I asked them to double check hoping that they'd got it wrong - but no, it was a boy. Emotions do funny things to us, cause before I got pregnant I actually wanted a boy, but then my dh wanted a girl first and all our friends said we were having a girl. But the reality was that I was accepting of having a boy by the time he was born and I wouldn't trade him for the world. He's just fantastic. As for the next pregnancy ... well I really want a girl :D

want2bmum

06-11-2009, 09:53

I guess, on the bright side you have your happy healthy children and because of that you are blessed beyond measure.

Things that come easily are also easier to take for granted....and when I stand childless after years of failed IVF, heartbreak and disappointment I only wish we could have the joy of a baby to call our own - boy, girl, black, orange or purple it wouldn't matter! You're a lucky lady and your son is so lucky to have two loving parents and lots of siblings to play with. You are blessed.:yes:

tiggermamma

06-11-2009, 21:11

My parents always wanted a boy and planned for me, their third girl, to be a boy, by eating mung beans and sleeping on opposite sides of the bed or some rot. It's weird but I have gender disappointment in my own gender!!! I am not gay or anything, I am totally a woman, but the fact doesn't impress me much. One of my earlier memories is telling someone I wanted to grow a beard when I grew up and having them laugh at me telling me I would never be able to as I was a girl. I remember getting chills and thinking I would have to stay home and be really bored and look after babies. So this is the danger of telling your kids they should have been a girl or boy I guess! I love being a stay at home mum now funnily enough. I still don't identify much with being a woman though and have friends of both genders equally.

moozle

06-11-2009, 21:34

I understand your disappointment, really I do. I too wanted a girl and I'm worried that I wont ever get one but I think that you need some counselling. This should not be something that is keeping you in the house! I really don't think there is anything wrong with telling people that you were hoping for a girl. It doesn't mean you love your son any less. It would be obvious to me that someone who had 4 sons was hoping for a girl! lol. Your SIL's are not there trying to flaunt their girls in your face, it is not their fault that they have what you want. I'm sure they'd be sympathetic and there is no reason why you can't have a great relationship with your neices. Afterall, they will need SOMEONE to go to in their teenage years when their Mum is driving them crazy lol.

BTW, I think the suggestion of adopting a girl is fantastic! If I get 3 boys, I'm soooo going to look into that!

Countrydeb

07-11-2009, 04:41

I am too old to adopt and also i think that there are few enough babies out there for adoption ,i'd rather a bub go to a couple who have no other alternative.not that i see anything wrong with others adopting,each to their own......i would rather go ivf if it was possible.......I realise my sil's don't mean to upset me and i stay away rather to protect myself more than anything....i am just oversensitive and very fragile regarding this subject and have a very poor sense of humour so therefore can't handle any lighthearted comments made on this .........I know i am very lucky to have had 4 children and know there are women out there who would think me selfish and inconsiderate[guilt is one of my constant emotions],[i also read the ivf thread for a reality check] but this is my reality.......I would just love to throw a big tantrum,scream.cry,shout ,stamp my feet.flail my arms.and yell "IT'S NOT FAIR" like a spoiled brat but that won't get me what i want.......I know the intensity of my feelings are lessening ,i don't cry as much....so i hope one day it'll just be a soft ache that i carry with me,i don't think it will go entirely....I also don't think a grand-daughter will help that much,she will not be mine and i am only a mil,in most cases it is not the same as your own daughter having children.......i don't know what the future holds and right now i know i see more negatives than positives about having 4 boys so hopefully i'm wrong somewhere..:fingerscrossed:...it's good to know that i am not alone in this tho.....this site has been a lifesaver

mimsie

07-11-2009, 11:01

I can only half relate (I desperately wanted a girl with my son but 2nd pregnancy was a girl) but I just wanted to say something.

YOU shouldn't feel guilty. It's those feelings that can lead you into issues with your son and bonding... not the initial feeling of wanting a girl in the first place. It's only natural, I think, especially when we have to not only try hard but then wait so long, that we start having preconceived ideas about what to expect (we humans like to know what to expect!). So when things don't turn out how we had imagined or hoped, it can really be quite gutting and difficult to handle - it's like someone changed the rules at the last second.

It sounds like you're building a good relationship with your son, that things are progressing there and you're bonding. Try your hardest to accept it - because by accepting your feelings you can move on from them, rather than holding the guilt and stress of it with you for many years down the road.

I think you just need to look at it and just go ok, I wanted a girl and that is natural because a) I'm a girl and b) it's a relationship I'd like to experience, and that is ok. It's ok that he isn't a girl too, but I'm still allowed to have that desire. And really accept that it is just how you feel, or work towards it. You don't have to tell anyone about it if you don't want to, and you don't have to let it affect your relationship that you build with your son, just please don't feel bad about it, I think you'd find if everyone was 100% honest, a LOT of people have the exact same feelings, but don't share them.

Booo

08-11-2009, 10:10

I'd like a baby girl too, Pidgion pair would be fantastic! But in reality maybe you got another baby boy because the world needs good men! And so far you've raised 3 What i can tell as good little men...

BabelFish

08-11-2009, 14:30

Hon, maybe you SHOULD have that tantrum? Maybe you should just get it all out - do whatever it is you feel like you so badly want to do. Scream, shout, stamp your feet, cry, rage - all of it. You wouldn't want to do those things if they weren't inside you, crying to get out. Therapists use this kind of approach all the time - it really wouldn't hurt you or anyone for you to do this. In fact, it could help more than you'd possibly know.

There is no help in denying your feelings. You feel the way you do. Sure, lots of people don't get to have babies at all and would kill to be in your shoes - but that is another story. It doesn't change how you feel and to be honest, it doesn't matter. This is YOUR story. This is how YOU feel. You are grieving, and that needs to be taken very, very seriously.

Let it all out. Scream and cry and be as angry as you want. Those feelings are so damaging kept inside hon, they need you to express them and vent them before you can get them out and away from you.

jaesmummy

08-11-2009, 23:53

Hi Country Deb,
I've been reading your thread and giving this topic a lot of thought over the last few days and I hope that what I say is a little bit helpful and can give you some peace. I know that nothing I say is going to make everything ok and please don't think that I don't sympathise with you because I absolutely do. I am in a similar situation to you and I have some understanding of how you are feeling.

I'm 40 years old this year and just had my 5th baby boy. He's now 12 weeks old and I'm almost 7 weeks pregnant again! Whoops! I do have a daughter - she is now 13. I feel sure that this pregnancy will result in another boy. I don't know why.

Like I said, lately I've been thinking a lot about gender and how I will feel upon finding out that I'm having another boy. I have had to do some soul searching and I realized a few things. Please don't think I'm judging you or your feelings. That's not at all my intention. I really respect where you're at and I don't want to say anything that will offend you or hurt you.

My son turned 18 yesterday. His birth is still clear in my mind, like with all of them. Holding him for the first time and praying that he would grow up to be safe and happy and that I would do the best job I could to ensure his future was promising. I looked at him yesterday and I felt so proud of him and myself and his dad. We did a great job. He is a confidant, happy, loving, motivated and intelligent young man. He is everything that I hoped he would be on the day of his birth. He will make a great husband and father one day. And I'm so glad he is who he is. I guess I've realised that, to me, boy or girl doesn't matter that much any more. I will be content to see my children grow up to be fine adults. To see them make it through safely is my main priority. I hope this next baby is going to be fine. Boy or girl, just please let him be born healthy.

I know that you feel ripped off not having a girl. I hope that in time you will feel better about it. You sound like you are a wonderful mum to your boys. You obviously love them very much. With your love and guidance they will grow up to be everything you hope they'll be. Take heart in that. :hugs:

4underfour

09-11-2009, 07:08

Hi countrydeb, I just stumbled onto this thread and, as the mother of 2 boys and 2 girls I certainly cant understand what you are feeling but just wanted you to know that I think if i were in your situation I would feel the same way.... you are not alone and it is so great that this site is available for you to be totally honest about things. Of course you feel guilty, when there are so many people that are longing for a child, any child... but that is not your life and you have every right to have these feelings.

Go back and see your counsellor, but in the meantime keep venting here :hugs::hugs:

Countrydeb

13-11-2009, 00:39

Hi ladies and thanks for the replies......They all make sense and are all given so wisely and considerately........My bub is 9 weeks and today we had needles and a check up,he is doing really well,has great weight gain and even tho he screamed on injection he calmed down after a bit of bottle and went to sleep....He is my most contented baby which considering how my mind has been working since finding out he was a boy,i am absolutely amazed......It's like god[or whoever grants these wishes] said i can't give you exactly what you want but i'll make it up to you with this gracious child......He has been asleep since 6 and it is now 10[i've checked on him a dozen times i reckon],he will probably have a dreamfeed when he does wake and then wake again at 7...please do i not deserve this child??????And yet still i feel and imagine myself with a girl....the what if's,the maybe's,knowing full well i would be tempting fate to try again and i would have to pull my finger out and lose some serious weight first......i still feel heartache when i walk into a shop and see girl stuff,i still feel removed from my new niece...I still cannot hold her or engage in banter with her.....they were here on the weekend and i just feel this wall come up and i'm protecting myself from feeling too deeply while they are around yet i am besotted with my boy and becoming more so as each day passes.....the mind and the heart work in weird ways.......i want to ask my sil whether she tried a gender selection method but can't say the words lest i lose it[god forbid i cry in front of anyone]...My other sil who just had her 3rd girl is having her tubes tied tomorrow ,i can't believe she had girls when she is the most unfeminine of women out,she never does her hair,or wear makeup or dress nicely and yet she has girls go figure........I think it was Boos who said something about raising fine men....i'm not sure about that as in my dh's family the men can be narrow-minded,one-eyed aholes and i try my best to tone that down and add another dimension to their thinking[maybe why life is so exhausting in this family for me at times]...Also,Jaesmum, my oldest was my pride and joy for a while too,and he does have some great qualities but he is now 23 and i struggle to get him to answer a text let alone ,commit to a family get-together....Since he has had a girlfriend our family is the last to be considered....Distance is a problem as we live 3-4 hours from each other,but he refuses to commit to anything and we have been 40 mins away and he hasn't bothered to meet up with us.....Xmas day last year i was texting him at ten o'clock to see whether he was coming for chrissy lunch[my mum had flown here especially] this kind od stuff does my head in .....and i look at my other 3 boys and think is this what will happen to them all eventually...to girls mil's aren't as special as mum's .....my 23 yr old is a quiet,sensitive,responsible man who makes sure the woman in his life is happy,and so that means her wishes come first,and i have learned our children are on loan for us to nurture,guide and teach and then they leave us,well boys certainly do......i keep my fingers crossed that maybe out of 4 boys one dil will like me,need me,include me in their family,i just shudder with the the thought i'd eventually get a grand-daughter ,to not be included in her life.......tho if i keep on producing my grandchildren will be able to play with their uncles/aunt? on the same level as they'll be similar in age:laughing: sorry for the looonnggg rant.....

seesa4boys

13-11-2009, 14:17

Hi there , i have four boys myself and right from my first son i prayed for a little girl , i guess i just seen myself with a daughter before a son but look i ended up with four most amazing handsome little guys , people constantly tell me how good looking my boys are and how pretty my little girl would be , and that just drives me insane as my husband has one daughter 15 yrs and she is so much like my husband and she is so pretty !!. But anyways we are trying AGAIN but this time we thought the shettles method might help us , because i no for sure we conceived right on ovulation time with all my boys and this time we have bd three days before so fingers crossed i will be pregnant with our little girl before xmas !!
I just want to say everything you said touches my heart so closely and i know exactly how you are feeling and i hope you start to feel better about it soon xxx :)

conorexnz

14-11-2009, 20:53

Hello - I've just come across this thread and have found it very interesting reading.

My Mum had the opposite issue - girls! She had three girls from her first marriage and really wanted a boy - back in those days adoption wasn't uncommon (think 40 years ago) so Mum and ex-hubby went "shopping" for a boy - he's the best brother anyone could hope for (albeit he's very overprotective of me).

With the second marriage Mum again come out trumps with a further two girls with an ectopic m/c inbetween. The drs seem to think she was unable to carry male embryos for whatever reason but back then the technology wasn't great so no one knows for certain.

Of the five girls three of us are close to Mum (although not growing up for any of us) and the other two rarely, if ever, in the last 15 years speak to Mum.

The tables have turned with the next generation however and things have balanced out - all five of us girls have had a girl first (my younger sister has just had identical twin girls), four of us have gone on to have (or in my case will have) a boy next. Out of Mum's 15 grandchildren, 7 of them are male. Mum's first great-grandchild was also a girl and the sibling for this one I don't know what the sex is going to be (due in April Mum thinks).

Just like Mum's children, some of the inlaws have turned out to be great SonsIL's and some not so - it's just a gamble just like different personalities.

Good luck with the counselling and maybe you might find one day that one of your SIL's kids prefer talking to you instead of their Mum (which isn't unusual) and you get the "surrogate" daughter you always wanted.

JoJoMart

17-11-2009, 11:14

I can totally understand where you are coming from. Personally, I wasn't phased at all what sex my first child was. I had a boy (who is now 2.5 years old) and love him to bits. Yes, the boyish aspects can be annoying, as my DS is very active, demanding, full on and a risk taker. I have seen many other boys who are quiet, though! Sometimes I long for a girl because my son is really strong and sometimes hard to control (yes, even at this age!).

I am currently pregnant with no. 2 bub. I'm only 12 weeks so have no idea what sex the baby is. I was not worried about it until recently, when I thought I would like a girl this time around. DH definitely wants a girl.

Saying that, I guess you can only deal with what you have and what you are given. Boys bring a lot of joy. On the plus side, they love spending time with their daddy's as they get older, which means some free time for you!

I think counselling will help you come to terms with things and good luck :hugs:

threeboys23

18-11-2009, 07:08

Hi CountryDeb
Wow - I have been serching the web to find out if other people feel the same way as I do about having all boys. Thankyou so much to you and the other supportive people for posting.
I have just found out that I am 20 weeks pregnant with our third son. I am just so upset that my dream of a girl is over (this is our last baby - as we financially can't do any more)
We did try and gender sway with this baby - however my dh was not overly supportive and it didn't all go to plan - I am kicking myself for that - if it had gone to plan would I not have had questions or regrets??
I am so angry at myself for crying and being upset about having another boy. I always knew that there was the possibility that we would have another boy and I WAS ok with that. I know we are so blessed to have healthy children but I keep asking why give me 3 boys!!... I just bawled last night after being in the shops and seeing all the pretty little pink dresses. All I also keep seeing is mothers with little girls etc. And most of all I do not just want to be a MIL to my sons wives as I know the relationship is never the same as with your own daughter. All the males in both families are quite chauvenistic (except my dad) so I will only be able to do so much to avoid my boys becoming the same.
I am trying to process....I have privately kicked, screamed and cried. My dh doesn't understand and I can't talk to friends etc about this as I am embarrased about my feelings.
Thanks for letting me get it all out. If anyone has any tips on how to help me process and make the feelings fade please help. I want to be able to greet this baby with the love and happiness that it deserves - because it WILL be loved - mummy is just struggling with some issues now...
Thanks
TB23

LittleBubbles

18-11-2009, 10:06

I think as women we deserve to have little girls... It's not fair.

I'm just p*ssed off at the moment because not one person supports my belief that I "Might" have a girl.

So all the scans i've had done simply can't tell... But because my sister has had 2 boys - my Mil has had 2 -and i've had 1, EVERY single person in both families believes i'm having another boy. And it REALLY ****es me off. They all know how much I want a girl, and it's like they're purposely trying to make me feel bad.

I went shopping with my mum the other day and she knows we don't know the sex but she automatically went straight to the boys clothing.

It hurts.

I don't know whether I should be taking this as a sign and just give up thinking I'm having a girl... I feel like everything has ganged up on me. Like i'm trying to win the lotto...

I have 3 weeks to go, and I still don't know. At this point, it's 50/50 right? So why doesn't it feel that way?:crying:

jariah4

18-11-2009, 12:04

Hi there,

Dunno if this helps at all, but I've heard you're more likely to have a girl when you (the mum) is older.
So don't give up hope! Maybe by the time you're late 30s or early 40s you may be able to afford another....and get your dream.
Myself , I didnt start till I was 34 and then 38 and I have two girls.
We'd love a boy now, and I'm 45 and 18 weeks preg. Dont know what we're having... ultrasound next week.
I think we'll have another girl, and it will be our last because of my age. I just hope and pray that it's healthy.:)
Jariah.

threeboys23

18-11-2009, 14:53

Little bubbles & Jariah4 - I hope both your dreams come true!! It is so hard dealing with your own feelings let alone when others put their two cents worth in....

BabelFish

18-11-2009, 22:35

LittleBubbles - I really feel for you. Some people are just so, so insensitive. I hope it is a girl and that will shut them all up, and also give you your daughter. But if it is another boy then I hope that your family has the kindness to not give you any `I told you so's' and to respect how you feel. My heart goes out to you.

CountryDeb - it's so great that you say you are so besotted with your new little boy. That is just so wonderful - what a gorgeous Mum you are. Maybe there is a girl in your future? You never know - you really don't! And also I'd like to add - just so you know it can happen - my MIL means the WORLD to me. She is one of my best friends. We talk almost every day, she rings up just to chat with me, and I to her. We share family problems and issues that she doesn't share with DP or with her own daughters. She's a beautiful woman and I adore her. That doesn't take anything away from how much I adore my own Mum, but there are some things I share with my MIL that I don't share with my own Mum, and I am testament to the fact that you can have a very fulfilling, wonderful relationship with your mother-in-law and many women do.

And as for your sons not sharing their children - I hope that doesn't happen, and I'm sure it won't. 23 is still young and selfish - he will come back to you when he has kids of his own and realises how he feels about them is how you still feel about him.

sarahjean

19-11-2009, 14:50

I'm hoping for another boy this time as our first passed away during birth. I'd really just be grateful for what you DO have.

BabelFish

19-11-2009, 16:21

Sarah - I'm so sorry for your loss.

The OP isn't saying she isn't grateful - she's never said that once. Quite the contrary, in fact. It's a very complicated process that she's going through, and the fact that other people lose babies or can't have children is a terrible tragedy but unfortunately not one that is necessarily relevant to the specific situation of the OP, even though it's one she's fully aware of and completely understanding of.

I think that is a huge part of the reason she is experiencing so much guilt about how she feels.

But, the fact remains that she is grieving. She is grieving over what, to her, is a terrible loss. And we should never dismiss or minimise somebody's grieving just because there are others in the world who have what they consider greater reasons to grieve. Everybody has different losses in their lives - we need to be supportive of that.

We can always be rational in our heads, but we can't always help how our hearts guide us. That is what has happened here.

mumma2cubs

19-11-2009, 21:09

I'm hoping for another boy this time as our first passed away during birth. I'd really just be grateful for what you DO have.

Wow - that came off a little harsh to countrydeb.

I am so sorry for your loss - I can't imagine what you must have gone through and are still going through - but you've posted in a gender disappointment thread......GD is a very real reason for grieving and while you have gone through your own loss - it isn't to say others aren't entitled to the feeling of not knowing what it is to raise both genders

I wish you all the best with your current pregnancy and hope you get what you want :)

melbryan

19-11-2009, 21:26

My 3rd little boy turns 2 tomorrow and gender disappointment is real. It's guilty feeling that I had and still wanted that girl after every boy I got.

I never wanted to going on trying for a girl forever so got hold of a diet from a lady who had 5 boys and then got her girl.
I followed and it worked.
So country holler my way if you need that diet. Yep boys are awesome but I always wanted to parent both sexes I was totally ready to get my 4th boy but our little girl was a bonus. Remember you never regret the children you have only the ones you don't.
If I went through my life never having tried then I would have major regrets, If I tried and failed then I could accept that. I had my tubes tied at #4 whatever the outcome because 4 was my limit and now look I have 4 under 5. I adore each of them and wouldn't change a thing for the world.

Countrydeb

23-11-2009, 01:32

Sarahjean-I am sorry for your loss ,really it must be the worst thing one could imagine.....And i know my having 4 boys and having issues with that seems very trite to you,i think it myself sometimes but it is my reality...
I hate to burst bubbles but the older mum thing is a crock of sh#t as i am 42.....someone also said having a 5 year break is a good way of stopping a gender run well that is bs too as 7 years between my 2 youngest....I really think it has to be about when you conceived...Been doing a bit of reading about the subject and it looks as if it certainly has a fair bit to do with it......I just never ,never in my wildest dreams would of thought i would never have a daughter...it's always been in my mind ,raising a girl,a little mini me,not so much in looks but just in the girl things,maybe likes and dislikes......I heard today that someone my son knows had a baby girl after having 1 boy,1 f#@king boy,i couldn't even be nice about it,the sarcasm and jealousy just dripped from me ......How bloody unfair is that,how can it be so easy for some people,that just sh#ts me big time.......I do my head in trying to understand the meaning behind it all,why are they getting a girl and i'm not..Am i a bad person,what am i doing wrong.....driving myself crazy and yet the sensible part of me[when i let her out:p] knows it 's not really like that...So here i am now promising myself i'll lose weight and maybe just Maybe try for a girl WTF i'm 43 next year....will a baby girl really give me what i think i need ,want ,desire,yearn for.....I'm so confused.......And still my gorgeous boy sleeps well at night,smiles and loves me, and yet i yearn to use the 'cloud9'emoticon with a baby girl.........Now i am sad and mad with myself.....Lucky i know this is a process that i have to go thru and hopefully come out of with some much learned lessons about myself and life,how wise i will be:laughing: thank you again lovely bubhub ladies ,for understanding,for allowing me to vent ,for being there:hugs: to you all going thru the same thing

Countrydeb

23-11-2009, 01:36

Littlebubbles---- I am sooo :fingerscrossed: for you to have a pink one ,tho i know you'll love a blue one just as much.....but it'd be fun to blow the others a raspberry and say 'you were wrong' childish i know

3princes

04-12-2009, 21:54

Country Deb - I'm another mum of boys who is also sad in her heart, wishing for what might have been..... I would never swap any of my perfect boys for a girl i just would like to add some balance to our family. i would love to shop for beautiful dresses and do mother and daughter stuff. I want my boys to experience a sister, i want my husband to have a daughter to cherish. I feel the same, about being scared to even be close to a baby girl cause i'm afraid i might cry. The guilt is over whelming that i'm so blessed to have wonderful special gorgeous and healthy boys and i should be happy with that. You feel so selfish that these feelings are so hard to share with anyone else, I'm crying while writing this... but i'm so happy to find out i'm not the only one.
I would hate it if my boys thought i loved them less because they weren't a girl cause its not true.
I didn't find out the gender of any of my babies cause each time i held on to the dream this could be my girl. I knew i would love the baby no matter what but didn't want to go thru any sadness while pregnant. It is easier to deal with GD when you have that special lil baby in your arms, who is loved immediatly. We did the "girl diet" with #3 but no avail. My hubby is 1 of 2 boys, I'm from a mixed family and my MIL is one of 7 girls.

I don't think I'd try again,always said 3 is enough for me but sometimes i still dream of my own lil princess. My aunty of 3 boys tells me that we've got a ticket straight to heaven! I'm lucky that where i live i'm surrounded by mums of boys, there seems to be alot of us out there but GD is a hard thing to talk about... we usually just joke about it. It must be hard having nieces, but at least you can buy some pink things :) My siblings don't have any children yet.

I'm also scared of when they grow up being closer to their partners families, as i see it played out so often by friends and family. The Paternal Grandparents don't get to see their grandchildren as much or play as big as a role. As when you become a mum suddenly you understand your own mum a whole lot more and it can make you closer. I don't want to be left on the side lines. I know i'm not close to my MIL and i try hard because i keep thinking that could be me oneday.

jo101

04-12-2009, 23:13

Countrydeb, have you decided to try again one last time?
Sorry to hear your still feeling down about it, but don't beat yourself up for feeling this way, as the others have said on here, your in mourning for the daughter youve always wanted :yes: and its very real.
For me the desire wasn't so strong, I think I wouldve fainted with shock if I'd found out number 3 was a girl :laughing: sounds like bub is an absolute joy :cloud9: congratulations. My boy is exactly the same, so contented and loving, I'm totally besotted!!
I can totally relate though in regards to boys downsides..and feeling completely outnumbered!! mine and dh are game obsessed
and VERY untidy :hair: girls tend to care a bit more about keeping things tidy dare I say..
:iagree: also with pp in regards to your oldest boy, that must be very dissapointing for you though, and I guess just one of the things we as mums of boys have to live with. Good luck to you hon :hugs:

Aquamarine

05-12-2009, 07:01

I know exactly how you are feeling.
I have three boys. The first I didn't care, although I just knew that he was a boy and he was, I was stoked.
With number two when I found out he was another boy I was a little disappointed but didn't really care all that much because I knew we would have more.
With number three, that was when I was really disappointed. Even typing this now I feel so guilty for ever thinking this for a second.
I was never really one to dream about my future daughter etc I Just wanted one daughter.
I can now say that I am at peace with my three beautiful darling boys.
I wouldn't change them for all the girls in the world and after spending a lot of time googling for gender sway methods I have had an awakening and feel at peace.
I see it in different light now.
To me there are not just two sexes, there are individual personalities. None of my boys are the same, they are unique.
I could have had a girl that ended up moving to another country and never having time to spend with her etc etc
You just don't know what the future brings.
I know that society are the ones that make a big deal about having both sexes.
I used to get rather frustrated with, you have to try again you need a girl etc etc
I am so much happier seeing it the way I do now.
I remember getting so jealous at other mums who were out with their daughter.
Now I don't feel that way.

3princes

05-12-2009, 09:37

Aquamarine - you are so right, I am at that stage now and if we did decide to have a fourth i would want a boy, we have even picked out a boy name just in case we ever go again. My boys are all so different in looks and all with wonderful personatlities, i might only make boys but they are the best boys ever. I even think i make a great boys mum! i will try to be the best MIL ever and hope that my boys find someone special just for them.

Country Deb - your lil boy sounds wonderful, i hope you can find some peace. I used to think someone must've had a sick sense of humour to give me boys because i'm such a girl and had dreams of co-ordinating outfits with my lil mini me. I'm also such a feminist and here i am bringing up boys :laughing: It would be hard to be my daughter i'd have such expectations that its probably best i haven't. Also i was the teenager ***** from hell... so that would probably been big payback!

Countrydeb

07-12-2009, 01:00

I see and feel the sense in all you are saying......And it's true it's just not another baby but a person who i have to raise for at least the next 18 years and then worry about forever..........I ,too,adore the different personalities of my boys and i can't wait to see what my newest one will be like.......And i too worry ,what if,what if,i do try and get my precious girl only for her to not to be what i've longed for and imagined all these years.....Also i'll be 64 when she's 20[if i'm lucky and conceive by then],will there be too much of a generation gap,also it will make me too occupied with my own children to have much time for grandchildren.....but these things can be overthought...the one thing i do think is my youngest is going to be like an only child so a playmate might be a good idea......i really could drive myself insane thinking about it,i really am split in two......I HATE the thought tho of living my life without a daughter and i really don't know where this intense feeling comes from........I don't want to take away how i feel about my boys,they are my life ,i just feel a girl would complete us,maybe soften us,give my boys some female perspective......I feel sooooo envious of others with girls,it's like a sore festering in me,....i would also like[ at the risk of sounding like i love myself] to look into a female face and see some of me rather than looking for me in a male face...i don't know why that is important it's just one aspect of it that is......I just wish i could switch this longing off i really do.......:confused::confused::confused::confused:

RHJ

08-12-2009, 07:50

.i don't know why that is important it's just one aspect of it that is......I just wish i could switch this longing off i really do.......:confused::confused::confused::confused:

Couldn't agree more. I totally get you on that!:hugs:

alexandra

09-12-2009, 11:01

Totally understand the feeling, we found out on friday that we are having our third boy!!! I'm glad that he's healthy, don't get me wrong but i just wonder why we couldn't get one little girl. Have been avoiding baby clothing stores so i don't get upset. Haven't bought a thing at all.
Can't afford any more children for now so I definitely wanna get protected, sorry I know wrong thread but what do you recommend apart from pill and implanon. I want something long term but not permanent.
It's so dissapointing and people don't help by reminding you all the time with comments and questions....I know once i see him I will fall in love with him but i still feel that longing that is hard to switch off.

sarahsboys

09-12-2009, 16:49

i could be feeling the same as you girls on Monday. We have 3 boys, and a little girl would just complete our family perfectly. With the other boys, I didnt really feel much dissapointment, but with this one as it is definately the last, I know there will be tears for the girl that I will never have, not so much for the gorgeous boy that will complete our family and also be very much loved. Its funny though, atm I really cant see myself with a girl, although I would love one dearly. And so many people, usually older grandmothers, say to me "Oh I had 4 boys" and though I hope this is not the case, it is kinda nice having a little gang of the same sex. I think the worst part if it is not a girl, will the waiting from when I find out til when he is born. Once he is here im sure i will feel differently

GeniusMum

21-12-2009, 12:43

Hi All,

It is my first time posting on this thread. Im pregnant with my first and really wanted a boy, i even tracked temperature (allbeit for a month as i got pregnant in that firts month of tracking) and we just found out it was a girl. Don't get me wrong i really wanted a girl too but second (i know this does sound selfish), i really wanted that boy first.

Now I'm just a bit nervous about when it is time to try for baby number 2, that it wont be a boy. You see we decided on two children only, and i always wanted one of each. We BD on the day before O, so im thinking (even though its early stages now), that we BD on the day on or even after O.

Countrydeb

20-01-2010, 01:38

Well it's been 4 and 1/2 months since i've had my little man and i could not have asked for a better baby,,,he's mostly an absolute delight......The struggle with gender disappointment continues,it's not so intense,just an ache that comes and goes....i was adamant at first ,after bub,i would try again but realistically don't think i will.....i am sad that this is my life ,but i'm only sad when the topic comes up or like tonight it is forced upon me.....Had my sil visit tonight,she like me had 3 boys and was pregnant last year but she gave birth to a girl.......I still feel 'why her and not me' ,she whinges to me about her daughter,she won't take a dummy or a bottle,she won't take solids and other stuff..and i sit there and nod,or shake my head,agree or disagree but the whole time i am thinking how dare you whinge to me about your daughter.....i know it's unreasonable of me to think she shouldn't,she whinges about her boys too and i know just having a girl doesn't make the world work better but i feel like saying 'this is what you wanted,this child is why you've had 5 pregnancies in 7 odd years ,you have a daughter just be bluddy goddamn happy with that!!!!!!!!..I sat there with my bub in my lap,watching her with her daughter and i felt so sad,so isolated in my feelings,just thinking what she will have with her daughter,the things they can share,how she is so lucky to do the'girly' thing,she talks about clips for her hair and shows me these beautiful outfits and my heart just about breaks.....i love my little bub i truly do,but why couldn't i have got a pink one.........:crying:

nick's mum

15-02-2010, 20:57

I'm sorry to hear you're still experiencing GD countryDeb...:( Have you considered adopting a little girl? Thats one of our options if something prevents me from having more kids.. :hugs:

This is something I've thought of (as I want a third child - hopefully a sister for our two boys - but don't do pregnancy well) but from the research I've done the chances of adopting a child in Australia if you aren't infertile and already have children are next to zero :( I've also contemplated fostering but how hard would it be to give them back? Especially if they were mistreated in the past?

So guess I'll just psych myself up for being pregnant and try some low tech gender selection and then try for one more :D

baby no 2

20-02-2010, 09:12

i just wanted to say................................:skywriter:to all who have children, boys or girls.....

but there IS a recipe for either gender and it WORKS..................ladies you need to STAY away from your ovulation days, which means...the male determines the sex of the baby so what sperm cell gets there first, so if you want a girl, do it just after your period say up to 3 days after and then nothing until a few days before your periods again, DO NOT do it in the middle of your cycle, and then for a boy.......just when you ovulate, if you can on the exact day.
the boys are faster so when you ovulate your egg is further down in your uterus getting ready to have your periods, girl are tougher and slower so the further up your egg is the better for the girlsssssssssssss.....................i did it and i have got one of each, people that cant fall and needs help usually get a boy because of above, think back to when you conceived your children....................really thats the trick of nature........

sarahsboys

20-02-2010, 11:47

RHJ

20-02-2010, 16:22