My ex has met someone..

[MamaLee]

Hi ladies. I need to talk to you :(
Today I found out (from my daughter, 2 and a half) that someone else went to the beach with Daddy and her. Wasn't quite expecting to hear that. I phoned him to ask if that was right and he said yes. I started to feel a bit threatened by this, wondering if DD would wonder why Daddy was maybe affectionate with another lady, to my own feelings of being replaced, will she like her more than me etc etc.
Her Dad and I have been on and off for quite some time, and we decided to call it a day for good a couple of months ago. That was fine, I worked through all the emotions to come out the other side realising that we aren't good as a couple, and felt a lot better.
Since then, he has been different with the way he interacts with me, to the point where he's quite hostile with me when he comes to pick her up. I moved out of our previous house together because I couldn't stand being yelled at in front of our child.
I feel it's really important to be able to communicate effectively when it comes to raising our daughter, but it's really hard to talk when he talks over me and won't take any responsibility for his part of the problem. As it is, every time he comes to pick DD up, it feels like he's having a go at me and telling me what i should and shouldn't be doing in regards to her. I just wish he would talk 'with' me instead of 'at' me, because when he leaves I feel like crap and pick myself to pieces.
Anyway, it was a shock to hear it from my daughter, but as the afternoon progressed, I'm feeling like a bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders, maybe because it's been a long and painful relationship and I won't have to deal with that frustration any more. I'm okay with him dating again (I thought I wouldn't be). I wish he could be pleasant towards me when he is here, because that's what seems to be hurting the most.
Any feedback?

[SPC]

How about trying a third party:
http://www.amazon.com/Co-Parenting-Survival-Guide-Conflict-Difficult/dp/1572242450/ref=pd_sim_b_1
There's a lot of literature about how poor co-parenting can be detrimental to children. Why not just tell him you read some, became worried, and think you would all benefit from a unified approach and some professional help? Then give him the book, and hope he reads it.

[MamaLee]

Hi there :) I get shot down in flames if I say it's 'something I read'.. His reaction is very much 'just because I read it in a book whatever, doesn't mean it's true'. I have actually printed off a couple of articles to somehow give to him in the hope he would read them, but I haven't because he's not interested. He adores our daughter, but isn't open to anyone's opinion except his own. Very, very frustrating :banghead:

[Sammy76]

Write him a letter.

This way he can't argue back at you and in your face.

Tell him how you feel, but not saying 'I don't like...' or 'I hate it when you do...' but instead 'when you do this or that it makes me feel....' This way he won't feel attacked.

Write how happy you are that he loves your daughter and maybe bring up some good things that he may have done since you have been separated, this way he won't feel being all negative.

Just a thought :)

[elleandsam]

:hugs: I couldn't read this and not post. I was on and off with a guy for almost 3 years starting at 16 and ending just before my 19th birthday. He just met someone else one day. Unfortunately she also happened to be a friend of mine. I couldn't handle being around either of them so my enlistment date for the navy came just in time. Sadly she ended up killing herself and I really regret not forgiving her and putting this all aside so we could still be friends. I saw him not long ago, I'm now married with a beautiful daughter and he still seems to be the same.

Sorry I went off on a tangent then. It's always hard when someone you loved moves on especially when they don't even bother to tell you.

[MamaLee]

Thanks Sammy, I can definitely give that a go. That's actually a pretty good idea! I've learned to rephrase how I put things to him, saying yeah, "it makes me feel such and such when"... rather than "you always"... again, he goes into defensive mode even when I try to use man-tactics (to get the man in your life to understand in a way that he 'gets'). Maybe that's why I'm not exactly jealous of his new relationship, because there were lots of reasons why we just didn't work out, lack of emotional intelligence from him being one of them.
Anyway, I'm not here to run him down, so I will try writing a letter and hope that he can see that things really don't have to be like this.
Cheers, Sammy :)

[MamaLee]

Even harder, Elleandmum, when the new partner is a friend of yours, that would've been tough to accept. And very sad that she ended her life, as she was a friend too, before she moved on with your ex-partner. I can understand your feelings of regret :hugs:
He told me he'd been meaning to tell me but there was no right time.. having said that, I'm glad that everything's out in the open now and I have a bit more understanding why he's been so cold and hostile with me lately. He doesn't have to like me, but he does have to try a bit harder to be civil to me in front of our child. I watched my parents argue in front of me when I was little, and it was terrifying, so I guess that's why I'm so serious about my concerns being taken seriously.
Thanks for listening.. it's really good to get things out :ecomcity: :)

[Rubyzz]

Oh i know how that feels. I also get the angry talking over the top of me, blaming me, accusing me talks more often than not these days. Only tonight I had a ph call with him that went along those same lines, it makes trying to communicate effectively impossible and stressful when all your trying to do is talk about your child. So your not alone, it is his issue but we are stuck with having to deal with it oh for only about another 17yrs now:mad:

[Emsmum85]

My partner and I are in the process of getting back together after separating in February this year. He'd started TAFE and there was a girl there giving him the glad eye. He's just turned 23. We were living apart and Emily and I were over there and he started crapping on about how we weren't compatible and stuff like that. I'm like fine then we'll call it a day. He never really wanted to pursue a relationship with this girl, I think he wanted a taste of freedom, we'd only been together 9 months before I fell pregnant, and he was in a long term relationship before we met so he'd been in long term relationships since 16. So then I met someone else and the new guy came over to my house and so did my partner! AWKWARD! Having someone else made him realise how important Emily and I are to him. But during those 6 months he was very hostile to me. He felt guilty, some things he said to me were very hurtful. Basically they make us feel like crap to stop themselves feeling like crap. I think you should just get him on the phone and say "Look we aren't together and I'm fine with that, I'm happy for you being in another relationship, but whether you like it or not we created a child TOGETHER and you will respect the way I do things, as I will respect yours. Treat me with respect and be civil to me in front of our child"

[MummyDaddy]

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[elleandsam]

Even harder, Elleandmum, when the new partner is a friend of yours, that would've been tough to accept. And very sad that she ended her life, as she was a friend too, before she moved on with your ex-partner. I can understand your feelings of regret :hugs:
He told me he'd been meaning to tell me but there was no right time.. having said that, I'm glad that everything's out in the open now and I have a bit more understanding why he's been so cold and hostile with me lately. He doesn't have to like me, but he does have to try a bit harder to be civil to me in front of our child. I watched my parents argue in front of me when I was little, and it was terrifying, so I guess that's why I'm so serious about my concerns being taken seriously.
Thanks for listening.. it's really good to get things out :ecomcity: :)

I think it was and has been one of the hardest things I've ever been through, and what's weird is mutual friends started asking if we were going to get back together again, forget that I am now married and have a child with my husband. And that I moved on with my life a long time ago.

And I know what you mean about being civil, I think there's nothing worse than hearing parents talk trash about each other in front of their children or to people that it will eventually get back to their children what has been said.

[kiwichuck]

After XH and I separated, he was a tad hostile for a while, although by no means as bad as some cases I've read about on here! He was also very slack at regular visitations etc, and had numerous girls in and out of his life in front of our daughter.

But... once he got that out of his system and settled down with a partner, he completely turned his attitude about - no more hostility, very regular contact. In fact, I couldnt ask for more of a change!

I think getting his personal life in order really allowed him to see the importance of regular contact, how important it is that we present a 'united front' of parenting style for our daugher. No more arguing in front of her, any parenting disagreements are handled in private.

Also, because his new partner had kids from a previous marriage, he was able to look at the effect of separation on her kids from a different perspective & see similarities to his own.

I realise I'm really lucky that things have turned out ok, and that this is often unachievable. The reason I'm telling you all this is to show you that it can happen, things can improve, as they did for us.

Good luck!!!

[MamaLee]

Thank you ALL for stopping by with your comments- I appreciate every single one of them. And hugs back atcha- it's such a really, really tough thing to have to go through.
Well.. the story has deepened a little bit since my original post. The woman my ex is seeing happens to be someone that I asked him about months ago, when we had moved back in together to have a fresh start. At night after I had gone to bed, he stayed up on his laptop in the lounge room, and whenever I came out he'd quickly shut it down. When I managed to get a look at the screen, he had a lot of messages from a particular woman, who he said was an old school friend who lives down south and is engaged. He told me I was being paranoid etc. My instincts told me a long time ago that this man wasn't entirely truthful about some other things that happened as well.
Anyway, I think you can work out who this new woman happens to be. And when I asked him if they were the same person (as they have the same name), he lied about that as well.
Moral of the story is: ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS, no matter where you are in your life. Someone who appears to be truthful and full of integrity can also have a bit of a hidden side. I have learned that lesson.
But do you know what? I feel really good within myself, knowing that I wasn't crazy and there was a reason why I kept doubting our relationship.
It's been easier the past 48 hours to get over it and move on. The man is a dog, and he knows I know it now. He's been exposed as a lying you-know-what.
I feel cleansed. Time to take really good care of myself and focus on building a future that doesn't rely on a man. And shower my precious daughter with even more love (if that's possible!) :flowerz: