The Use of Childcare

[MummaBear03]

I've read in so many threads where people have said that using childcare when someone isn't working or studying, just to have a day of housework or to do the shopping, doctor's appts, hair cuts and so on, makes us better parents.

Do you believe that? And if so, then what of those who only ever used it for work purposes and at no other time, or those who have not used it at all? Does that mean they aren't as good as being parents as they could be if they were to use childcare, or use it an extra day other than for working?

Just curious because I'm one who worked 3 days a week and only ever used it for those 3 days, then when I finished up work at the end of November last year, DD finished up at childcare as well before going to school this year. If I had holidays from work, she'd be put on holidays for childcare. Many of my friends are at home with kids and never use childcare at all.

Do you think it's imperative that parents get time alone? Or do you think they can be just as good if they get no time away from their child/ren other than when the kids go to bed at night?

[~BEXTER~]

I think it is up to the parent.

I used it full time because I am a single Mum and I wanted to work.

When I stopped working I still used it 5 days a week because that was the routine and it gave me time for myself. Plus Keiara liked it I just picked her up earlier.

But some parent would rather spend every day with their child.

Some need that day or 2 peace and some want to give their child the childcare experience to prepare them for school and have them interact with other kids. Childcare can teach a child things they just cant learn at home as well.

[Ana Gram]

I think it depends on the person. I would go nuts if I didn't get a break. I could think of nothing worse than being with my child 24/7 and she feels the same.

[SassyMummy]

I don't work (yet - I have a job just haven't started yet!), and DD, 4, goes to daycare twice weekly.

Why?

Well, though I am not a single person, my daughter is my responsibility. She is not the responsibility of DP, because she is not his (I do get help from him, but it is not expected like it would be if he was her father). Her father moved overseas so she doesn't ever see him and I never get a "break" that way. My mother lives about 2 hours away, so I cannot simply leave DD with her for a few hours if I need to do something.

I had DD with me, full time, but I started going a BIT crazy.

It has been good for us both really.

I don't have any friends, let alone friends with kids... so this is the one way DD gets to play with other children. Without daycare, she would rarely see any other kids. She was pretty bad when it came to dealing with other children before daycare... it's really helped her to be gentler/nicer to other children.

I also enjoy my break. I don't normally do much on my "days off," I just do the same sort of stuff I'd normally do if she was around... but I appreciate the time away from her, and I think she appreciates time away from me too.

[meggs]

I think it is different for everyone... I have a husband who works 65hrs a week so I have my 18mth DD on my own all day, she is pretty good and still naps but housework is impossible when she is awake and shopping is only done as a necessity if Im desperate as she wont sit long enough anymore... as my husband only has one day off a week I dont like asking him to have DD while I go out and it is also our only family time so precious to me which leaves no time to get things done:rolleyes:

I would love even a few hrs a week to do errands and shopping and me time and yes I think Id be a better parent for the break, it would renew my bateries and my patience not to mention I think there are great benefits for children to socialise and develop around other children but I know there are people who dont need that and I dont think it is fair to generalise (which I know you're not).

I think each parent needs to do whatever they feel to make themselves a better parent noone should judge..

[nothanksbye]

meh...
its up to the parents I guess.

I do think we make up stupid reasons to justify things though.
It does not make you a better parent, it gives you a break.
I am sick of hearing reasons for it like..happy mummy happy baby or babies need socialisation.

I am very anti daycare for my kids but its my choice and my lack of daycare does not make me a better or worse parent.

[KatiesMum]

I dont think someone is a better or worse parent for using daycare ... no matter what the circumstances.

If you as a parent feel that you are a better parent for being able to have some time away from your child (or your child from you) ... and you can arrange daycare ... thats great. If its not for you or for your child .... thats great too.

Different things suit different people. Thats no reflection on your ability as a parent or your love or affection for your child ..... just different circumstances.



Personally, I work on the 2 days DD is in daycare, but I do leave early and go and do the shopping and run errands on my own before picking her up .... and have occasionally had the extra day to myself. Its what suites me, and makes me a better mum. Other people do what suits them and gets the best out of them and their children

[singlemumma82]

I started DD in childcare at 18months when I wasn't working and think it did her great, until then she was always in my care 24/7, i didn't miss any of her firsts which was mportant to me.

But then I left her dad, was finding it hard to do things dragging a bored toddler around and as I had no friends with kids or family (she was first born on both sides) it did her great for socialisation.

Her best friend she has known since she started at 18 months and they are inseperable, through this it is like I have developed n extended family as we all get along so good even 5 years later.

When i started working though I did not put her in extra days, but would usually come home first after work (always finished around), organise dinner then go get her so that when we got home I could have some time with her before the made dinner and bed rush.

I don't think it makes me a better mum, but I do think in my situation it helped me alot.

[Deserama]

Yes it is imperative that parents get breaks (even though I haven't had one in over 2 years LOL) But I don't think it's a good idea to not allow children to come with you shopping and things. Only because I think it's important that children learn how to behave in public....so if they never go with you to pay bills and what not...how will they ever learn???

But at the end of the day...you do what you feel is best for you and your kids! Who cares what anyone else says?

[MsMummy]

I think it's whatever suits the family. I don't think somebody is a better parent for using/not using childcare.

Personally, I use it two days a week for work (and my partner has him the other two days a week I work).

I've never been home by myself full time, so I don't know whether I'd use it if I didn't work. I would imagine I would need a break, though, as I'm not overly tolerant.:o:D

I'm just thinking about holidays - my office will close for 10 days over Christmas/New Year, but I won't send him then (and it's a novelty to be at home anyway). Otherwise, I only tend to take holidays if I'm going away so the issue doesn't arise.

[guerin]

I believe as a blanket statement, 'mothers who use childcare are better mothers', is wrong. But I do see some benefits and those benefits you also get because you get time away from your child. Yes you are working, but you still are getting time away from your child. (I know sounds an awful thing to want). As is the mother who is shopping or cleaning.

As much as I love my DD she can at times become very tiring and I believe if I did not get that time away I would become very angry and a lot less patient.

[proudmama]

i wouldn't say it makes you a BETTER parent but i know personally i can handle the tantrums and moodiness when i'm not so wound up and ready to snap myself

DS is in FDC one day a week - my DH works away and after 4 days of dealing with only each other we both need that break - we also live a fair way from anyone we know so socialising for DS is very rare - where he is at the kids are all his age and he loves it

as for me i'm 32wk pregnant so a day of not chasing DS and a chance to put my feet up is a god send

[Katcha]

I don't think it makes you a better parent, but the break is nice. I work full time, but my hubby is SAHD and we put the older one into day care 1 day a week. Gives the hubby a nice break & also get more housework done as well as spend more time with bub.

[Miss_N]

I can understand parents using childcare for work reasons, study reasons, mental health reasons etc

BUT what I CANNOT and WILL NOT every be able to understand are comments like the ones below and people using them as 'reasons' to send their children to childcare! :no:



Childcare can teach a child things they just cant learn at home as well.

Honestly...WHAT can a child learn in a centre that they CANNOT learn at home :confused:

[mum2bubba]

I have Skye in occasional care one day a week, I am thinking about putting her in another day (actually its only 3 hours a day but anyway) and also thinking about putting Nathan in when hes a bit older. It makes me a better parent because I can do things I want (though alot of the time I usually just stay home and clean the house anyway :rolleyes:). My kids aren't around grumpy old mum all day every day. I cannot speak for everyone else.

[proudmama]

MIss_N - my DS is , for the moment, an only child - FDC teachs him about interaction with other children, sharing, and to not totally depend on me - the seperation one day a week will make the transition to full time school a less anxious time for both of us and he'll be more accepting of other kids in his class

JMO

ETA - i remember when i first started kindergarten and hating every morning when my mum left after being at home full time - i don't want my son to have to go through that if i can help it

[kiwichuck]

I dont think someone is a better or worse parent for using daycare ... no matter what the circumstances.

If you as a parent feel that you are a better parent for being able to have some time away from your child (or your child from you) ... and you can arrange daycare ... thats great. If its not for you or for your child .... thats great too.

Different things suit different people. Thats no reflection on your ability as a parent or your love or affection for your child ..... just different circumstances.



I wholeheartedly agree with this reply!

[jaq]

Amy, it will be different things for different families. You can't know what someone else's child will or won't learn - but her mum will. One thing that childcare (occasional care, creche, whatever) WILL teach is a child to look to someone beyond their parent, and learn to socialise with other toddlers on their own initiative. If there is no other opportunity to do those things, I think its an excellent reason for choosing childcare, because a 5yo that has never had a carer other than their parents might have great difficulty when they come to school.

For my part, I am happy to yell from the rooftops that occasional care/creche at the gym is all about ME! I attend playgroup with Sofia, so know she doesn't need socialisation, but what I need is time to be me. It's not about getting the chores done, its about being free of "mummy" for three hours of my life each week.

Not sure about the "better parent" argument, but I suspect it does. I know my patience and willingness to read to/play with the girls is much greater on the days that I have had a break at some point. But that might just be me - I'm not known for patience ...

[KatiesMum]

I can understand parents using childcare for work reasons, study reasons, mental health reasons etc

BUT what I CANNOT and WILL NOT every be able to understand are comments like the ones below and people using them as 'reasons' to send their children to childcare! :no:



Honestly...WHAT can a child learn in a centre that they CANNOT learn at home :confused:

Take a step back a bit and think it through Miss_N ... its not quite that black and white - sometimes childcare CAN actually teach things that kids cant learn at home.

My DD is an only child - at home she cant learn social skills about playing with other children. She doesnt learn to share, she doesnt learn to play together with other children, to take instructions and listen to other people like she will have to at school. She is born in May so will be one of the youngest in the class when she starts Kindy ... so these skills are important for her to learn.

Im not saying childcare is the be-all and end-all for everyone, or that no child can live without it ...... but it does have some advantages and some kids do benefit from that socialisation - while others dont.

[Jamaica]

I never understood this needing to have a break thing. I know many women who say they couldnt live without childcare even though they are stay at home mums, because they need the break, yet they keep on having more kids!

Im not saying mums dont need time for themselves but its about balance, even as a single mum I always found time for myself, even if it was just a long shower at night or 30mins on the treadmil while the kids were napping.

It wasnt that long ago that childcare was barely heard of and our parents survived just fine without it.

[Miss_N]

MIss_N - my DS is , for the moment, an only child - FDC teachs him about interaction with other children, sharing, and to not totally depend on me - the seperation one day a week will make the transition to full time school a less anxious time for both of us and he'll be more accepting of other kids in his class

JMO

ETA - i remember when i first started kindergarten and hating every morning when my mum left after being at home full time - i don't want my son to have to go through that if i can help it

I believe that a child will experience seperation anxiety dependent on their personailty and not if they have been to childcare or now!

IMO children can learn to socialise with other children, share and become more independent at playgroup, mothers group etc.



Amy, it will be different things for different families. You can't know what someone else's child will or won't learn - but her mum will. One thing that childcare (occasional care, creche, whatever) WILL teach is a child to look to someone beyond their parent, and learn to socialise with other toddlers on their own initiative. If there is no other opportunity to do those things, I think its an excellent reason for choosing childcare, because a 5yo that has never had a carer other than their parents might have great difficulty when they come to school.



I agree but IMO the benefits of a YOUNG child attending childcare FAR out weigh the negatives. I am ALL for preschool/C&K kindy type settings for the reasons you mentioned above and perhaps I should of been clearer and explain my reservations apply ONLY to children aged under 2 or 3 attending childcare to "learn" things they can't at home!


Take a step back a bit and think it through Miss_N ... its not quite that black and white - sometimes childcare CAN actually teach things that kids cant learn at home.

My DD is an only child - at home she cant learn social skills about playing with other children. She doesnt learn to share, she doesnt learn to play together with other children, to take instructions and listen to other people like she will have to at school. She is born in May so will be one of the youngest in the class when she starts Kindy ... so these skills are important for her to learn.


Like I said! I believe children don't NEED to go to childcare to be socialised and learn how to share/play/follow instructions etc.

I do however support 3 year olds and up attending kindergarten or C&K preschools in preperation for formal schooling.

I personally cannot see how a child who is under 3 NEEDS childcare to "learn" :)

[SassyMummy]

I'm with proudmama here too... that's one reason DD's there. She doesn't get interaction with other children at my home. That's our situation, and I know there are plenty of people who have kids that don't go to daycare who interact with other kids frequently... but it's just not the case for us. It's really taught her how to behave around other children.

In the past, she would treat them like she would adults... but they simply cannot be treated the same way.

It's also good for her, IMO, to get to BE a child. She still gets to be a kid at home, but is witness to a lot of adult-type conversations and whatnot, and I fear she was getting too big for her boots iykwim.

[proudmama]

Miss N - for those of us who do not have access to facilities like playgroup etc daycare is our only option for kids to see other kids their own age - and yes i have tried to start one up but in our small community the other mothers are working and their kids are in the day care anyway

it's all comes down to indiviaual circumstances

[Areca]

Well I only use day care now for DD1 and she's nearly 4. She started this year, at 3 and a bit. It's her pre-school.
I do use a gym creche though a couple of hours a week. I am a far nicer person with regular exercise than I am without it.
I get the whole wanting a break thing and I keep having kids :eek: It's not that I don't enjoy my kids...I do, thoroughly. It's just that I am also myself and I can't do anything 24/7 without going a bit nuts from it. I still have DD2 with me and will have DS with me as well. I don't use the day to do the grocery shopping/pay bills etc. because I think it's important for kids to learn about these thing.
I don't think it makes you a better mother to use daycare. DD1 didn't start until she was 3 and either will DD2. DS might start a bit earlier if I'm ready to go back to work or study or something.
I'm also quite fortunate...I have family that live close by who are willing to take my girls for a day whenever I feel the need. I don't need a break from them every single week but when they've been really testing me it's nice to hand them over to someone else for the day. We get a break from each other, I get a breather and am more relaxed. In those stressful times doing something at home while they are asleep simply doesn't cut it for me. I need to go out and do something.
Everyone's different. I think knowing what makes the individual person a better parent makes you a better parent than someone who goes by someone else's rules so they don't get judged.

[Shananaaah]

It's not always just about "mum having a break" or "child being socialised". There are so many different reasons people use DC, especially if they have no family or friends around to babysit.

In our case, DS went full time while we were both working, and now goes 2 days a week even though I am a SAHM.

Why? Because DD was born with medical problems that required a zillion appointments, tests, checkups etc up until about 2 months ago and it was far, far easier to make those appointments on days when I didn't have to drag a 2 yo around and try to keep him amused and out of mischief while physically holding my baby as she was having ultrasounds/blood tests etc. Or trying to keep him quiet while listening to a cardiologist is telling me the extent of my daughter's heart issues. Or avoiding the tantrums of being stuck in yet ANOTHER waiting room for hours on end.

Also, I thought it was unfair for my DD not to have time without her brother around - she needs Mummy time just as much as he does, but unfortunately (as the bigger and louder child) he demands it most of his waking hours which often leads to her missing out (it's better now that she is almost 1 and is able to play with him a bit more). He is over his tantrum phase now but if I didn't have him in DC, I don't think I could have coped all year with everything else that has gone on.

So, in summary - it's not a black and white issue as to why people use DC and I don't think there are black and white outcomes either.

[kar]

Pre baby I couldn't understand at all why SAHMs should get to use childcare that WORKING women needed.

Needless to say I have now changed my opinion.

I think some time out definitely makes me more relaxed and tolerant, therefore making me a better mum. My mum usually has F on Fridays for a couple of hours and by then I need it. If I didn't have her I wouldn't use childcare (my personal opinion is that he is too young) but I certainly think a break and time out however you get it is good for most of us.

[PeppaH]

Sorry didnt read the replies just putting my two cents in.
I dont use childcare, the only reason I would use it is to give my kids time to socialize. I hate that my nephews are always sick because they go to day care 3 days a week :no: There is no way I woudl put DS in that position, he gets sick enough from being around them :laughing:

I dont have a problem with people using it to get out by themself and have some 'me' time. Its good that they treat themself :yes: I just dont find I need it, might change when bubs 2 comes along but Im hoping not. I take DS with me if I get a hair cut or go clothes shopping etc etc he loves it and has a great day out with me.

[MummaBear03]

I don't agree that it's necessarily needed to prepare them for school.

DD went 3 days a week up until November of last year. I returned to work when she was 1.5 and she went for 4 days for a while, then I cut back to 3 days a week and cut her days back as well. She has gone off to school with no problems.

Her friend E went to daycare 5 days a week from 15 months to 2.5 years (mother had some massive problems) then never spent time away from her mother again until she started school. She went off to school with no problems, she's an only child with no cousins, never went to playgroup, lives on a farm now from the time she was 2.5 and had very little (if any) interraction with other kids until school. She's doing fantastic at school, is far more independent than many of the kids in her class who went to childcare full-time prior to school.

Another friend, M, had 2 siblings (all a year apart), interaction with other kids for the entire day on a Sunday, and spent the rest of his life in front of the TV. Literally. He's gone off to school this year with no clue about socialisation and has to repeat Prep. The other 2 are all in childcare now as their dad is single and works 65+ hours a week. His mother takes them to and from daycare, and the other one to and from school.

Our neighbour, R, has 4 siblings, attended childcare 3 days a week, has gone to school this year and is not doing very well at all. She's not able to socialise appropriately, she's got no idea how to share or take turns. She really doesn't understand any of the things that go on in school.

My point is that some kids might do better with childcare, I believe M would have done far better in childcare than at home, but he was also being abused and neglected at home 6 days a week with his mother, along with his siblings. I believe that R would have had more benefit from playgroup where her mother could guide her better since she would have had that one on one time with her mother to teach her how to share, play productively, and take turns. I think that with DD she'd have been just the same with or without childcare, same with E. They are all different. I don't think it's "needed" for all kids though.

[angel_cakesau]

i feel that everyone is different i find that i can be a calmer mum and more fun and less impatient if i have a break so its just as good for them as it is for me and also my children love love love going to child care to play and do all the activities the only go 1 day a week at the moment but they have been asking me like everyday "can we go to kids mum" (they call child care kids) so its just as much for them as it is for me :)

[Shananaaah]

And just another thought - there are a lot of mums out there with PND or their own medical issues for whom getting out to the park/mothers group/play group etc is extremely difficult. I am one of them.

So for them (and me) in this respect DC is helping our children socialise and teach them things that cannot be taught at home because sometimes mums just aren't functioning properly. I've spent the better part of the last 3 months in my pjs. Going out to any social event was utterly terrifying for me. I don't want my child to suffer because I am not coping.

[meggs]

<text deleted by mod>

It is easy to think things in theory but reality is far different... <text deleted>

[Sheer Bliss]

I never understood this needing to have a break thing. I know many women who say they couldnt live without childcare even though they are stay at home mums, because they need the break, yet they keep on having more kids!

Im not saying mums dont need time for themselves but its about balance, even as a single mum I always found time for myself, even if it was just a long shower at night or 30mins on the treadmil while the kids were napping.

It wasnt that long ago that childcare was barely heard of and our parents survived just fine without it.

I think the whole 'walk a mile in someone elses shoes' applies very much here. Yes I chose to have 4 children (well, i decided on 3, and DS2 jumped in with DD2 at the last minute ;)) BUT I had NO idea that DS1 would be so full-on. He is not the sweet loving angel DD1 was at the same age, so YES I need a break from him. I fully get that all parents and children are different and that not everyone has to utilise childcare to get that break, bit for us, it provides flexibility with times and if I need an extra hours sleep I can leave them in care a little longer. Mostly what I do on daycare days....is improve my sleep, and my one-on-one time with all the kids. DD1 goes on monday, so DS1 has time alone with the babies, and when they sleep I get time alone with him. He is a sprited little boy, and time with me is precious to him. Tuesday's I try and sleep or catch up on housework and spend special time with the babies if I can, as both DD1 & DS1 go to care. Wednesdays DS1 goes to daycare while I do gymbaroo with the babies and spend special time with DD1.

Not long ago when childcare wasn't as available and people managed just fine, they also usually had more family help too, if you are going to compare - you need to compare apples with apples! :yes:

So in summary to the OP (can ya tell I haven't had much adult interaction today?? :laughing:) i think it's different for everyone. As adults we have different personalities with different needs, as do our children. Using daycare doesn't make one a better mum than another mum, but for some it can make them a better parent than they would be otherwise.

[bAaM]

No i dont think it makes a "better" parent.

But in my case my DD NEEDED to start DC. I was working for awhile and she was in the same centre as me, but i had really bad seperation issues that where affecting work likfe and my relationship with my son and partner.

I would get panic attacks if i left her, even just to go to the shop. Even to the point i wouldnt allow her to sleep anywhere but with me.

When we decided to try for another baby, I new i needed to get over the anxiety and send her to daycare for the both of us.

She goes to a Montissori daycare with my Neice and she LOVES it, I dont have the time to do the teaching that she needs at the moment as i have a newborn baby that has problems so she NEEDS to go there to get the stimulation she needs that I cant offer her at the moment.

SO everyone has differnet reasons to use childcare, Just cause a SAHM uses it doesnt meen its to do things for herself, and so what if she does I think it should be a law that ALL SAHM and working mums get one day a fortnight free childcare and sent to a dayspa.
Its bloody hard work being a mum and no one should have to justify why they need a "break"

[MrsTiggyWinkle]

I can understand parents using childcare for work reasons, study reasons, mental health reasons etc

BUT what I CANNOT and WILL NOT every be able to understand are comments like the ones below and people using them as 'reasons' to send their children to childcare! :no:

Honestly...WHAT can a child learn in a centre that they CANNOT learn at home :confused:

I'm pretty meh about the arguement, cos I believe you have to do what suits you and your family

But I have to disagree with your statement ^^ *sorry* :rolleyes: I am just about to start DD1 at occasional care, one of my main reasons is she has just turned two and at some stage she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet without me or her dad there to wipe her nose or kiss her knee or the thousand other things we do for her every day.

Occasional care is only three hours once a week but its the start of a very gentle cord cutting that will enable her to go to kindy and school without it being traumatic.

No way she can learn that at home!

Also as a mum of 2 under two with no family support - jsut dh and i - its a 24/7 thing. One goes to bed and the other gets up, and we are usually up 6 times a night... so yes i definitely need a break. i get so worn out that I can't play with them and enjoy them. So a bit of time apart for our little family is a very positive thing.

[SorenLorensen]

my daughter goes because she wanted too.
she had been asking to go to 'school' since she was 2, i gave in the week before she turned 4.

if anyone has a problem with me giving my child what she wanted then pffftttt to them.

i dont care why people use daycare, i have my own things to worry about.:D

having DD1 in child care down not make me any better or worse then any other mum out there, its just CC.

[em1984]

Noah wont be going to daycare, he will go to a pre-school, but he wont be in any sort of out of family care before the age of 3. I worked in childcare and I dont believe it is of any benefit to a child aged 2 and under. Yes, it is a necessity for some parents, especially those that work, but I dont believe it helps a child of this age in the areas of socialisation and learning. All of this can be learnt at home. I'm a great believer in bringing up a child using guidance, support and love. A childcare environment is very much based around discipline, this can't be helped, there are just too many kids. In my experience, children under two dont really play with each other. They are very independant and dont have a whole lot of interest in other kids unlike children above this age do (unless the other kids have a toy they want!). I dunno, I'm probably not wording this great, but they just dont play and interact with each other all that much. It is also an age where they are incredibly frustrated through lack of good verbal skills, so tend to lash out more and vent their frustrations in physical ways or just withdraw. This in turn leads to them being dealt with in a more disciplinary way as opposed to a guiding and supporting way. That's not what I want for my son, I can give him the one on one in these situations and take the time with him that daycarers just do not have. We go to playgroups, mum's groups, gymbaroo, play centres etc and I think this is enough interaction for him.
So basically, whilst I fully respect the need for parents to have time out and totally get that there is a need for this (my son goes to his grandmas for a few hours every friday so I can have some 'me time'), I dont believe that there is any necessity for a child to go to childcare under the age of two purely for socialising and learning. I dont think there is anything they can learn there, at these ages, that they cant learn by being at home with their parents.

[munchkins]

I think this depends on differant situations
These are 2 examples which have happend to me.
Up until about a month ago DD1 was in 2 days a week and I was trying to get DD2 settled into starting also. I felt horrible as I am not working not studying just a SAHM and I needed a break. I was seriously considering taking them both out of daycare as I felt there is nothing wrong with me I am at home, why pay someone else to spend time with my children and for me to miss out.

About a month ago that all change though....

I am still not wrking or studying but DD1 has been waking several times during the night all night, therefore I am getting no sleep at night. I tried my hardest to push through hoping it was just a stage she was going through I found that I was getting extremely cranky during the days and yelling at the smallest things.
Now both girls are in 2 days a week again and I use the time to have sme quiet time and to catch up on much needed sleep. I found this to be best as I got the rest I needed so happy mother happy baby. I am not not snapping at them for no reason and I feel like I have control again and I am the parent and not them.

Sorry OP I am going off topic slightly now but at the end of the day it's what is best for both mother and child

[MrsTiggyWinkle]

... I found that I was getting extremely cranky during the days and yelling at the smallest things....I am not not snapping at them for no reason and I feel like I have control again and I am the parent and not them.

:yes::yes::yes:
Couldnt agree more, that is totally how I feel and why I am choosing childcare (I am a sahm too)

[em1984]

I do agree with you, though, annamac. But I see occassional care to be pretty different, it's only like 3 hours a week or something isnt it? You have really valid reasons, I'm just lucky I have family and friends that can help me out in this regard I spose :)

[kezzaskids]

meh...
its up to the parents I guess.

I do think we make up stupid reasons to justify things though.
It does not make you a better parent, it gives you a break.
I am sick of hearing reasons for it like..happy mummy happy baby or babies need socialisation.

I am very anti daycare for my kids but its my choice and my lack of daycare does not make me a better or worse parent.

:iagree: actually! I worked in the industry for 17 years and loved my job. howver now Im at home with my children they wont attend unless I have to go back to work.

Each to their own. yuor child , your choice.

[AnnaT]

I send them because I want to.

My 3yo goes 2 days a week, mondays alone and fridays with my nearly-2yo. He is a very full on kid, always needing to learn, way too smart for his own good so daycare is good for him. I cant spend every second stimulating him because I have two others at home who need my attention too. Mondays I get to spend some time with my middle son where there isnt any interference from a bossy big brother. Fridays are bub&me days and time for me to do what I cant with 3 kids in tow. Occasionally their Dad takes bub on a friday arvo so I can be alone for a few hours.

Being a military spouse I rarely have family help around. So if I need a break, get sick or have things that need to be done that are easier without kids daycare allows me to do that.

My kids love going to daycare too. Its fun for them.

[jaq]

With complete respect, Kezzaskids, if your profession is childcare, I can see why you mightn't see a need to send your children off somewhere else. This goes for you too, Amy (Miss_N) ... the reality is that if you have an EDUCATION in what young children need for their social, emotional and intellectual development, then one would hope you can and will deliver it at home.

My BA is in palaeoanthropology and my career has been in journalism. Not much use when it comes to assessing educational opportunities ...

Just so happens we are a Montessori family and I believe in the concept of the child learning in the home, and have done a lot of research to help facilitate that.

But I am still believe that being confident, happy and engaged away from family is a vastly useful skill that can only be learnt outside of home.


Occasional care is only three hours once a week but its the start of a very gentle cord cutting that will enable her to go to kindy and school without it being traumatic.


Exactly. EXACTLY.

[ConfettiGirl]

meh...
its up to the parents I guess.

I do think we make up stupid reasons to justify things though.
It does not make you a better parent, it gives you a break.
I am sick of hearing reasons for it like..happy mummy happy baby or babies need socialisation.

I am very anti daycare for my kids but its my choice and my lack of daycare does not make me a better or worse parent.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I have NO problems with parents who use childcare 1 or 2 days a week when they don't work HOWEVER I think that those parents need to be honest to themselves and admit that they are doing it so they can have a break!

I don't thinl putting your child in childcare when you don't work makes anyone a "better parent". I also refuse to accept the notion that my children are going to be anti-social, unruly delinquents because they don't get to "Socialise" at daycare.

I stay at home with my children - not 24/7 because they have visitation with their father - but when not at their dads (or sometimes nannies) they are with me.

I would love to have my two youngest in daycare for ONE day a week EVENTUALLY.....but not so I can be a "better parent" but because for ME it will be easier to do things like grocery shopping, going to the doctors etc.......

Daycare or not I will be the same parent to my kids that I have ALWAYS been...no better and no worse if my kids are in 1 day of care. I am doing it for ME......I am not doing it for THEM!

[MrsTiggyWinkle]

I do agree with you, though, annamac. But I see occassional care to be pretty different, it's only like 3 hours a week or something isnt it? You have really valid reasons, I'm just lucky I have family and friends that can help me out in this regard I spose :)

Its 3 or 5 hours a day with max 15 hours in a week. As i was writing my post I was wondering the same thing, does occasional care = daycare? I'm still handing my child over to strangers to be minded tho.

Re the right age to start them, 2 or 3+ - personally I feel my dd1 is ready for it, it won't be hard on her and we will do it very gently. But if I didn't think she was ready for it, I wouldn't be doing it, regardless of how stretched or stressed I was. And once we start, if it is not working and i see she is unhappy or going backwards, out of care she will come, quick smart.

[astrogirlsz]

I think it's up to the individual and if you do feel you need a break or some time to yourself to get things done then you shouldn't feel guilty for using childcare.

I have recently gone on maternity leave to have DD2 and prior to this worked 3 days a week. I'm taking a year off work and my husband and I thought it was best to keep DD1 in childcare to give me a break with baby and because she does enjoy going to childcare. I also didn't want her to have a year off and then when I return to work have to start all over again. On the days we're home together we spend quality time playing cause I'm not worried about getting the house clean or going to appointments because I can get that done while she's at childcare.

[MrsTiggyWinkle]

But I am still believe that being confident, happy and engaged away from family is a vastly useful skill that can only be learnt outside of home.

I strongly feel this too, especially as I myself still find it difficult to feel confident away from people who know me. I don't want my kids to do this. Thanks for agreeing with me too Jaq :D

Another point, where there are multiple kids and one carer, what if the kids need a break? We all know kids benefit greatly form one-on-one attention. With dd1, I was with her all the time when she was awake, she got so much 1on1 time, dd2 just can't get that, and she really needs it. So she will now get one morning a week with mum's full attention.

[susieq1969]

I have NO problems with parents who use childcare 1 or 2 days a week when they don't work HOWEVER I think that those parents need to be honest to themselves and admit that they are doing it so they can have a break!


I have to disagree with the above :)

I plan on putting my son in childcare for just one day a week so he can interact with others his age as he probably won't have any siblings. I don't have many friends who have children the same age which is why I'm going to do it. Not so I can have a break.

However, in saying that, I don't think it necessarily makes you a better parent for doing that. It's just something that I want to do. :):)

[MrsTiggyWinkle]

I have NO problems with parents who use childcare 1 or 2 days a week when they don't work HOWEVER I think that those parents need to be honest to themselves and admit that they are doing it so they can have a break!

Sorry, no, don't agree, as you can see from this thread there are many many reasons why parents choose to use childcare other than needing a break. It is only one of my reasons, and I don't feel the need to "admit" to it at all!

[SorenLorensen]

I have NO problems with parents who use childcare 1 or 2 days a week when they don't work HOWEVER I think that those parents need to be honest to themselves and admit that they are doing it so they can have a break!

umm yet another who has an issue with this :D

i dont need a break from my daughter :no:
my DAUGHTER wanted to go, she was 2 when she started asking and a week before she turned 4 i finally gave in because she actually started packing a bag and getting ready for 'school' before i would wake up....her heart would break when i would say "no honey, you don't go to school".i couldn't do it anymore, I was keeping her home because I didn't want her away from me.

if i needed a break from my kids i sure as heck would not be sending DD1 and not DD2....DD1 is EASY, DD2 is another story :laughing:. DD2 wont be going unless she asks and when she does i will probably hold off for as long as i can like i did with DD1...because i WANT them with ME ;)

[Areca]

meh...
its up to the parents I guess.

I do think we make up stupid reasons to justify things though.
It does not make you a better parent, it gives you a break.
I am sick of hearing reasons for it like..happy mummy happy baby or babies need socialisation.

I am very anti daycare for my kids but its my choice and my lack of daycare does not make me a better or worse parent.

Just in response to the bolded bit....for some people it does make them a better parent. It's all on an individual basis. I don't need a break from my kids all that often but when I do need a break and I then get it I am a better parent because I have had the time to chill out, relax, and get a better perspective on things.....something I find very hard to do if I have my kids with me 24/7, am needing a break and not getting it.

So no, I wouldn't go around saying that using daycare makes someone a better parent, and currently, aside from a couple of hours at a gym creche a week my kids don't go in to any other sort of care that's not with family until they are three I am a better parent when I have a break from my kids when I need it.
Sometimes I even need a break from them when they are still babies. I'm just lucky enough to have family around to help me out on those occassions.

[Sheer Bliss]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I have NO problems with parents who use childcare 1 or 2 days a week when they don't work HOWEVER I think that those parents need to be honest to themselves and admit that they are doing it so they can have a break!

I don't thinl putting your child in childcare when you don't work makes anyone a "better parent". I also refuse to accept the notion that my children are going to be anti-social, unruly delinquents because they don't get to "Socialise" at daycare.

I stay at home with my children - not 24/7 because they have visitation with their father - but when not at their dads (or sometimes nannies) they are with me.

I would love to have my two youngest in daycare for ONE day a week EVENTUALLY.....but not so I can be a "better parent" but because for ME it will be easier to do things like grocery shopping, going to the doctors etc.......

Daycare or not I will be the same parent to my kids that I have ALWAYS been...no better and no worse if my kids are in 1 day of care. I am doing it for ME......I am not doing it for THEM!

With reference to the bolded part....OF COURSE I am a better parent when on a tuesday I only have 5month old twins at home and god forbid I manage to get some SLEEP! Do you have any idea/remember how cranky sleep deprivation makes you? Do you know how much you yell and scream at your older children when they fight with each other and wake both the babies you spent an hour running backwards and forwards between trying to get them to sleep?? The day we have with no noise in the house, and if one baby falls asleep on the floor under their gym toy, I can actually leave them there - is beautiful and damn straight it makes me a better parent for it.....my stress levels can return to normal that day and it hlps me be a more patient, yelling less parent when the kids get home.

Also....when I was pregnant with the twins, I had thought about putting 21month old DS into care, but decided to wait until he was 2, as HE didn't really need it. Wll, HE had other ideas. Every day I dropped DD off, I had to pick him up (not easy when you are preggas with twins and suffering hyperemesis, so having to carry your spew bowl too) and drag him out of there. He wanted to stay, he begged to stay, and I was exhausted trying to get him to come home. After a few weeks, he started, he loves it. He has so many friends (he's now 2.5) that run up and cuddle him on arrival and leaving. It is beautiful, and it's what HE wanted. I enjoy it too, but he originally started because HE wanted to!

[Rampant Madness]

I do not believe it will make you more a less a mother if you use childcare even though you do not work. I am a little shocked to read some of the judgmental posts in here also. I wont point any fingers, that will get us no where.

But... I'll be honest here.
I am a single parent to a Mod-Autistic child. I have no family and the father is out of the picture also.
My child goes to care 2 days a week and is 4 and a half years.
I do not work.

I don't care what anyone else thinks about this, this is my life and anyone who wishes to cast judgments without knowing my life's intricate details, needs to put their horse away. Who is any mother to judge any other? No wonder mothers are too scared to ask for help and advice.

I will admit, I use these 2 days off, for TIME OFF. Sometimes it enables me to do things I otherwise could not do, like mow lawns, or go to certain appointments, and other times, it enables me to crawl into bed and have a sleep uninterrupted.

If you don't like that I crawl into bed, whilst I PAY to have my child in care, that is your issue, not mine. Is it perhaps you are jealous I am having a nap and you aren't?!

At the end of the day, I am paying for a service which I believe not only benefits myself, but my child. I am paying for it, the same as a working mother is, and I am entitled to a break. All my reasons and beliefs are not for everyone to agree with, but they are mine and I will continue to use care.

I also believe at 4 and a half years of age, it is an important step towards the schooling lifestyle

[JLeesmum]

my ds is 8 months old, it took me 3 years TTC.
i havnt EVER left him with someone else for more than 30mins.
theres no way im missing a thing. time goes too quick.
maybe when he's 2 he might go to childcare for a few hours a week, ( to slowly get ready for school)
if i need 'me' time, i have it when he's asleep. the dirty house can wait

[MsMummy]

Honestly...WHAT can a child learn in a centre that they CANNOT learn at home :confused:

I think it depends on the parent. I send my child to childcare because I work, but I do also appreciate the input from another carer.

The FDCer has been doing it for 15 years, has children and grandchildren of her own and has a diploma in childcare. She's read lots of books, and does loads of activities with the kids structured to their development. She has dogs and chickens and birds and a sandpit and all sorts of resources.

I'm a 29-year-old slightly short-tempered woman who has never had anything to do with children before having my own.

She does stuff with him that I don't, and I learn from her.

We're not all equal as parents, and she does it for a profession, so I feel there is stuff he probably learns that he could learn in A HOME, but not necessarily OUR HOME.


Pre baby I couldn't understand at all why SAHMs should get to use childcare that WORKING women needed.

Needless to say I have now changed my opinion.

.

:o I was the same. :o Needless to say I'm very sorry for my ill-informed opinion now.

[Sheer Bliss]

my ds is 8 months old, it took me 3 years TTC.
i havnt EVER left him with someone else for more than 30mins.
theres no way im missing a thing. time goes too quick.
maybe when he's 2 he might go to childcare for a few hours a week, ( to slowly get ready for school)
if i need 'me' time, i have it when he's asleep. the dirty house can wait

I can appreciate that...I felt the same when I was a SAHM to one child.

Now .....when they are ALL asleep, I sleep too, and even then it is not enough. Everything takes on a different perspective as your parenting life changes. Me time doesn't really come into it anymore!!

[BabelFish]

I haven't read this whole thread but I think it depends entirely on the parent, the child, the situation - everything. Everyone is different.

I have no problem with parents using daycare for a break once, twice or even a few times a week. I don't know if it makes them better parents. But not everyone has the same coping thresholds and not everyone can manage with their child completely full time. If it helps, then that's great. It's as simple as that. I don't think any more needs to be read into it than that.

I don't think that women or men should be made to feel guilty if they admit that parenting full time is something they find really tough, and they use coping mechanisms to deal with it. In that sense, I do think that they would be better parents from getting the break and the time to regroup. Whether they're working parents or not (and in my experience, I have found the odd days I've worked to be a great break and just as refreshing in some ways as a day without DD) if daycare helps to keep them sane and give them some `me' time, then that's fantastic.

Some parents have no problems whatsoever being with their child 24/7, and love that time. Others don't find it as easy or straightforward as that. It doesn't make them failures as parents or worse parents than those who want to spend every waking minute with their child. It just makes them different. And they shouldn't be judged for that. Nobody should be judged about what they can cope with and what they can't. It's great that people can recognise their strengths and weaknesses and make the best of them. That makes for happier families all round.

[QTB]

I havent read the whole thread.

but my children are in daycare 4 days a week, i work 4 days a week DH has them one day though, and i am home with them one day - so i get a day to clean, wash etc on the other day. (mon/tues - daycare/work, wed-home with me, thurs-daycare/work, friday-daycare/my day home, sat-they are home with DH/i work, sun-family day)

we leave are up at 5 am every day, home at 6pm, then its cooking dinner, and off to bed. the house suffers big time. so that friday i get alone i live for, my house and washing get done, all ready for the next week, without having to sacrefice our family time on sunday have to do it all.

i dont believe i am a better parent for having my children in daycare, but i dont believe i am a worse parent either. i believe every parent/family has to do whats right for their situation, and no one else should judge them for that.

[delirium]

Every parent is different and so is every child. With DD I didn't need the break from her. I put her in at nearly 3 bc she was an only child at that stage and I wanted to give her interaction with other kids.

With my son. He just started day care this week and he is 28 months. We wanted him to start eary next year but the place come up and couldn't assure me there would be one in Jan so I took it. Quite frankly, I need a break sometimes from DS. He is a spirited child who has never ever spent a night without us. So it's not like we dump him on anyone we can.

I find I'm a better mum and wife, when I had a few hours break from DS. I'm calmer, more resiliant and just a nicer mum. Eveyone is winning from a couple of hours a week of child care.

[MissSteph]

I think it's great for children to go to childcare even if it's half a day or 1 full day per week. It gives them a chance to mingle with other kids their age. Mum used to put me in childcare a couple of days per week and she was a SAHM. She said I cried when she picked me up because I never wanted to leave, I loved playing with kids and having that social time with people my age with the same interests (painting etc).

I'm a SAHM and when #2 comes along DD1 will be going in childcare half a day per week for the first month or then going in 1 full day per week. That way I get one on one time with #2 and DD1 can play with kiddies her age.

My gf has a 3 year old girl and when her DS was born she put her DD in childcare. Ever since she did, her DD has come home with soooo many new words and can count and just learnt so many things. This was only after a couple of months going in 1 day a week! She would barely speak a word before going and now we can't stop her talking! :laughing:

[TripleTime]

Its up to the individual.

For me, YES!!

MIL had the Trip's today while i had time to myself & found the house under all the cr@p that was laying around. DF picked them up after he finished work.
If she doesnt have them, i go crazy! They are pretty feral when they get home but its all worth it, they're getting used to the idea that DF & I arent the only people that can do things for them.

Id love to get them into day care but its just not possible.

[bubbasmum]

Like you I worked for three days and had ds in childcare for those three days. I didnt pull him out completely when I went on maternity leave because I wanted him to still have some kind of routine and he also loved going so I kept him in for one day. I know that if I didnt have him in for that one day we would both go insane through boredom. It has been great for things like docors appointments and such because he is pretty feral when he has o wait around and having a newborn with me as well can make it very hard. so yes i think I am a better parent for having him in childcare for that one day. It gives me a chance to bond with my newborn and relax a little and get things done. it also makes me miss ds while he is away from me and as they say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

[MrsTiggyWinkle]

I don't care what anyone else thinks about this, this is my life and anyone who wishes to cast judgments without knowing my life's intricate details, needs to put their horse away. Who is any mother to judge any other? No wonder mothers are too scared to ask for help and advice.

At the end of the day, I am paying for a service which I believe not only benefits myself, but my child. I am paying for it, the same as a working mother is, and I am entitled to a break. All my reasons and beliefs are not for everyone to agree with, but they are mine and I will continue to use care.

:yelclap::yelclap::yelclap: Well said!

[nothanksbye]

wow...some defences are up here.

I hope my post was not taken as judgement.

Daycare is not for me and MY children. I dont begrudge others using it.

I dont think it makes a better parent but I am sure it makes some mums feel a lot better about parenting.

I totally understand that its needed. My feelings are my opinon for my children.
I dont think that children need daycare but I do totally agree that some parents might and thats fair enough.

[bumMum]

all parents need support and respite. for a lot of people this is childcare. I have no problem with it because if mum is happy baby is happy :yes:
I don't think I have ever felt like I nEEDed childcare because I was going mad or getting bored, so in my case, it isn't necessary. but I can see why for some people it would be important.

[gotmilk]

I just enrolled my DD and I am thinking that she would need other kids company at some stage in the future and she would learn a lot from being there so she is ready for school where there is no mummy:)
but I would do what suits us best:yes: and if I happen to have something planned (like time for doctors and so on) why not?

[AnnaT]

my ds is 8 months old, it took me 3 years TTC.
i havnt EVER left him with someone else for more than 30mins.
theres no way im missing a thing. time goes too quick.
maybe when he's 2 he might go to childcare for a few hours a week, ( to slowly get ready for school)
if i need 'me' time, i have it when he's asleep. the dirty house can wait

Hun thats lovely but when you have 3 kids under 3 and said 3yo doesnt nap; there isnt any 'me' time to be had. I have to have eyes in the back of my head with 3 rambunctious boys who find all manner of trouble without even looking for it.

Back when I had one child it was very easy to have me time; but he still went to childcare because he is the kind of kid who is go-go-go from wake up to bedtime and needs the outside stimulation. Not to mention the easier it was to run errands; 1/3 of the chores; if he slept through the night there was no one else to disturb my sleep...........

I can remember thinking I did not understand why mothers complain and find parenting so hard............until I joined the world of more than one kid........its nuts! The more you have the more mess there is, the less sleep and time you have, groceries are a 3 day military-style planning effort.

I love my boys and I love having the 3 of them but its hard hard work and daycare day are my sanity savers! And even then I still have bub on my hip (or boob lol).

[MrsTiggyWinkle]

my ds is 8 months old, it took me 3 years TTC.
i havnt EVER left him with someone else for more than 30mins.
theres no way im missing a thing. time goes too quick.
maybe when he's 2 he might go to childcare for a few hours a week, ( to slowly get ready for school)
if i need 'me' time, i have it when he's asleep. the dirty house can wait

:yes::yes::yes: I know where you are coming from, I was advised I woudl find it difficult to conceive and spent several years mentally preparing myself for the hell of endless TTC and IVF etc... only to have it happen very quickly (what did the docs know) but... I have done what you plan to do, refused to leave dd1 in care, she is my precious treasure whom I never thought I would meet. She is now 2 and I am ready to put both my girls in childcare, they did their first stint of 20mins this morning and it went very well. However I am soooo glad I had all that time with dd1. DD2 unfortunately doesn't get that luxury but its not the same with her, she will go into a creche with her sister so she will not be alone.
Good on you for treasuring your little one :thumbsup:

[MummaBear03]

all parents need support and respite. for a lot of people this is childcare. I have no problem with it because if mum is happy baby is happy :yes:
I don't think I have ever felt like I nEEDed childcare because I was going mad or getting bored, so in my case, it isn't necessary. but I can see why for some people it would be important.

The thing is, people are saying that *all* parents *need* support and respite, but what of those who have no support or respite? I don't think that makes us bad parents for not having any support or anyone to take the child/ren to give us time to ourselves. I hardly think that running a Toddler or Preschool room in childcare is "time out" from kids :laughing:

[ConfettiGirl]

WOW some people got defensive!

Just for the record I did state in my post that I am fine (perfectly fine) with parents using "respite" care....in fact I would LOVE to put my two youngest into care 1 or 2 days per week - it would be feckin' awesome!!!

HOWEVER I do NOT believe that the act of putting your child into care makes you a "better parent"....so am I a "worse parent" because I don't use care?

I get so annoyed that some of my friends and other people I speak to who use "respite" care who sit on their high horse and rave about how they are "doing it for the kids" and they go on about socialisation and behave like they are some kind of hero for placing their child in care - when it really has NOTHING to do with the child it is quite simply so that the parents can have a break!!!!

Studies have shown that children do NOT generally fare better socially (or in any other manner) if they are placed in care - especially when babies are put into care. Children who stay with their primary caregiver 24/7 do just as well on a social level and I refuse to swallow the notion that I "need" to have my children in care "for them"......as if my children will become surly, anti-social and somehow socially defunct because I don't use "respite" care!

I am a firm believer in the "quality vs quantity" aspect of nature! We as humans generally only give birth to 1 child at a time.....generally only having a few kids in total during our lifetime! This is because we nurture and protect our young 24/7 - we are DESIGNED by nature to be with our children constantly.......so I doubt that doing as nature intended is going to harm our children.

I am NOT saying that "respite" care doesn't have it's place - it's a GREAT tool and can work wonders for recharging the batteries and allowing us to enjoy our role as parents! HOWEVER I refuse to swallow the garbage that kids "need" daycare!

At the end of the day it is for the parents....and while I genuinely believe that some parents think they are doing their kids all sorts of favours putting them into care - I am not so sure that the benefits to the children themselves are really all that great!

Also I am not judging ANYONE on their choice to use care (again I will reiterate that I would LOVE to use it myself). I am merely stating that I believe care is beneficial to the parents a great deal but no so much to the kids.....I believe that most parents will meet their child's needs regardless of exhaustion, stress or anything else. Putting a child in care helps simply by recharging the parents' batteries so they feel a bit better about their parenting - it doesn't suddenly turn a mediocre parent into parent of the year! You are either a good parent or you are not and having or not having your child in care has nothing to do with that (IMO).

Disclaimer: My opinion only, I am not "substantiating" my opinion with empirical evidence as my post is opinion based and therefore scientifically proven facts are not necessary!

[sunnyflower]

:laughing::laughing:
I do not believe it will make you more a less a mother if you use childcare even though you do not work. I am a little shocked to read some of the judgmental posts in here also. I wont point any fingers, that will get us no where.

But... I'll be honest here.
I am a single parent to a Mod-Autistic child. I have no family and the father is out of the picture also.
My child goes to care 2 days a week and is 4 and a half years.
I do not work.

I don't care what anyone else thinks about this, this is my life and anyone who wishes to cast judgments without knowing my life's intricate details, needs to put their horse away. Who is any mother to judge any other? No wonder mothers are too scared to ask for help and advice.

I will admit, I use these 2 days off, for TIME OFF. Sometimes it enables me to do things I otherwise could not do, like mow lawns, or go to certain appointments, and other times, it enables me to crawl into bed and have a sleep uninterrupted.

If you don't like that I crawl into bed, whilst I PAY to have my child in care, that is your issue, not mine. Is it perhaps you are jealous I am having a nap and you aren't?!

At the end of the day, I am paying for a service which I believe not only benefits myself, but my child. I am paying for it, the same as a working mother is, and I am entitled to a break. All my reasons and beliefs are not for everyone to agree with, but they are mine and I will continue to use care.

I also believe at 4 and a half years of age, it is an important step towards the schooling lifestyle

:laughing:

This is probably one of the best posts i have read in my 5 years on the hub!!

[BabelFish]

Just in response to one of the earlier posts, studies have actually shown that children in regular care do better socially than children who are looked after exclusively by their mother or a primary caregiver. That doesn't mean that you have to put your child in care or that you are a worse parent if you don't. Horses for courses.

There are pros and cons to both arrangements. It depends, again, on the individual situation.

Also, it's a bit unfair to assume that parents who put their child in occasional care do so for their own benefit only and are lying when they say they are doing it for their kids.

If I wanted a break my Mum will take DD no problem. She does anyway, one night a week. That is for both our benefit and my parents. They love spending time with their granddaughter. She loves spending time with them. DP and I get a break. Works beautifully for everyone.

My DD (15 months) is now in daycare half a day a week purely for her own benefit and nobody else's. I wouldn't put my kids in daycare full time, or before 12 months, if I could help it. And luckily I won't have to because it's my belief that before 12 months exclusive Mum and Dad is best. Afterwards, the opportunity to play independently with other kids, well supervised and with full attention I believe is highly beneficial. I can provide the same thing, and do, six other days a week.

Whether it makes you a better or worse parent is relevant - but only to individual situations. Some people might parent better because of it, some no different, and some worse. Blanket generalisations never help anybody. And that includes the blanket generalisation that daycare is something parents only do `to make them feel better about themselves as parents'. <text deleted by mod>

As for opinions, I prefer to base my opinions on facts and information rather than just something I feel to be the case, even when it isn't.

[Nowhere]

DD doesnt go to childcare or get baby sat beleive it or not the offers to baby sit a child atatched to machines are few and far between like never and never and she is too high needs for a child care centre. I dont judge other mums that put there kids into childcare so that they can get stuff done good on them thats great, As long as they dont look down at me cause I have a never ending pile of ironing lol

I am SO SO looking forward to next year when DD goes too school 2 days a week I wil be able to mop my floor in peace or have a cup of tea that isnt interumpted. She is only going to do the half day 2days aweek as she fatigues so easily they dont think she wil last 2 full days a week but that total of 6 hours in the week will be bliss. but I will miss her and i will be makeing sure her EA knows exactly what she needs and when etc, she going to be one busy EA lol

[BabelFish]

Seriously, hon, just the fact that you can make it out of bed in the morning and face each day the way you do is more impressive than anything else I can think of. If anyone deserves a break, it's mothers like you with children who need them so very much. Mikenzee is one very lucky little girl.

[Nowhere]

Seriously, hon, just the fact that you can make it out of bed in the morning and face each day the way you do is more impressive than anything else I can think of. If anyone deserves a break, it's mothers like you with children who need them so very much. Mikenzee is one very lucky little girl.


ohh thanks, Im finding things alot easier now that she is able to walk a bit by her self and with her frame she is able to play her self a little bit now its great lol, and I have wel and truely go the hang of all her little querks and atatchments now so its really not as bad as it was which is great. Im lucky to have Mikenzee is the way I see it. :)

[guerin]

I never understood this needing to have a break thing. I know many women who say they couldnt live without childcare even though they are stay at home mums, because they need the break, yet they keep on having more kids!

Im not saying mums dont need time for themselves but its about balance, even as a single mum I always found time for myself, even if it was just a long shower at night or 30mins on the treadmil while the kids were napping.

It wasnt that long ago that childcare was barely heard of and our parents survived just fine without it.

They were fine because they sent their kids to their Aunt for the day or their Grandma or sister or the older children went out with them for the day. These days with much smaller families and less extended families those options are not there for many mothers and thus to get a break longer then 30 minutes many mothers put their children into childcare.

No a 30 minute break is not enough for me.

[SorenLorensen]

WOW some people got defensive!

Just for the record I did state in my post that I am fine (perfectly fine) with parents using "respite" care....in fact I would LOVE to put my two youngest into care 1 or 2 days per week - it would be feckin' awesome!!!

HOWEVER I do NOT believe that the act of putting your child into care makes you a "better parent"....so am I a "worse parent" because I don't use care?

I get so annoyed that some of my friends and other people I speak to who use "respite" care who sit on their high horse and rave about how they are "doing it for the kids" and they go on about socialisation and behave like they are some kind of hero for placing their child in care - when it really has NOTHING to do with the child it is quite simply so that the parents can have a break!!!!

Studies have shown that children do NOT generally fare better socially (or in any other manner) if they are placed in care - especially when babies are put into care. Children who stay with their primary caregiver 24/7 do just as well on a social level and I refuse to swallow the notion that I "need" to have my children in care "for them"......as if my children will become surly, anti-social and somehow socially defunct because I don't use "respite" care!

I am a firm believer in the "quality vs quantity" aspect of nature! We as humans generally only give birth to 1 child at a time.....generally only having a few kids in total during our lifetime! This is because we nurture and protect our young 24/7 - we are DESIGNED by nature to be with our children constantly.......so I doubt that doing as nature intended is going to harm our children.

I am NOT saying that "respite" care doesn't have it's place - it's a GREAT tool and can work wonders for recharging the batteries and allowing us to enjoy our role as parents! HOWEVER I refuse to swallow the garbage that kids "need" daycare!

At the end of the day it is for the parents....and while I genuinely believe that some parents think they are doing their kids all sorts of favours putting them into care - I am not so sure that the benefits to the children themselves are really all that great!

Also I am not judging ANYONE on their choice to use care (again I will reiterate that I would LOVE to use it myself). I am merely stating that I believe care is beneficial to the parents a great deal but no so much to the kids.....I believe that most parents will meet their child's needs regardless of exhaustion, stress or anything else. Putting a child in care helps simply by recharging the parents' batteries so they feel a bit better about their parenting - it doesn't suddenly turn a mediocre parent into parent of the year! You are either a good parent or you are not and having or not having your child in care has nothing to do with that (IMO).

Disclaimer: My opinion only, I am not "substantiating" my opinion with empirical evidence as my post is opinion based and therefore scientifically proven facts are not necessary!

<text deleted by mod>

my daughter as i said only goes because she had been asking for 2 year. i dont need a break form my kids and i am not benefiting in anyway by having her at CC, i dont 'do' anything i could not do with out her, its not 'easier' and :ecomcity:....i still have DD2 with me, SHE is the handful, if I wanted a 'break' then SHE would be in CC not DD1.

<text deleted by mods>


so at the end of the day for some its not 'for the parents' :)

[MummaBear03]

After 11 years in childcare, there's probably not a "reason" I haven't come across for kids being in care. However, I just got sick of hearing people say that *all* parents need a break, that *all* parents need time for themselves to be able to parent the best they can. I take that to mean that just because I have not had any way of having time away from my child (once again, time away so I could run a Toddler or Preschool room in a childcare centre is not exactly time off from kids) that I'm not the best parent I could be. Yes, this week I'm not working and my child is at school now, so I now have the chance to have some time away from her and could see a doctor without her being with me, but I still had to take her with me to get my eyes checked as they only had a 4pm appointment. I don't think that it means parents can't parent well if they are with their kids without a break. The first time my mum took my daughter, she was over 5 years of age and before that I'd never been away from her other than when she went to bed at night, and I was stuck home then anyway. I've had a babysitter a couple of times and have literally only been out for a night of drinking and dancing twice in almost 7 years (since becoming pregnant) and one of those nights I was so tired I was dozing in the seat of a nightclub and had not even had much to drink lol. The other time, I had to pay a babysitter $25/hour and had a midnight curfew put on me by said expensive babysitter.

[ConfettiGirl]

<text deleted by mod>

my daughter as i said only goes because she had been asking for 2 year. i dont need a break form my kids and i am not benefiting in anyway by having her at CC, i dont 'do' anything i could not do with out her, its not 'easier' and ....i still have DD2 with me, SHE is the handful, if I wanted a 'break' then SHE would be in CC not DD1.

<text deleted by mod>

so at the end of the day for some its not 'for the parents' :)

You will also note I said it's my opinion only! I wont change my opinion because quite simply I think parents are deluding themselves about the reason they use care! You scoffing at my OPINION wont change it because I have my own reasons for believing it :) I am sure many parents believe they are doing for the kids (self-justification is something all parents do) however I wont change my OPINION that if it wasn't for the "break" factor and the fact that it's nice to have a day off once in a while that parents would not be putting their children in care. IF socialisation is the only reason then why daycare? Why not playgroup? Why not other social environement where you are actually WITH your child? If you are not doing at all for a break then why not stay with your child constantly at the daycare centre to WATCH them interact with others?....oh wait yeah because when they are in care is a great time to go and sleep, or go shopping or go to an appointment. I am not saying doing these things are bad - I want to do them all myself I just don't understand why some parents arew so adverse to admitting that they put their kids into care so they can have a break or do things unencumbered by their children. I will ber freely admitting the reason my kids are in "respite" care is so that I actually get "respite"....I wont be telling people that I put them in care "for themm because it's so much better for them to socialise blah, blah, blah". Why is it such a taboo to tell people that you want/need a break? Why dress up the reason with stuff like "socialisation, he gets lonely etc".......

<text deleted by mod> I never said my friends ADMIT that they put their kids in care for a break so everyone must....if you read it properly you would see that I said my friends all say the same thing that people are saying on here - they behave like self-sacrificing angels by putting their kids in care for "socialisation" when I am 100% sure they put their kids in care for a break *shrug* again my opinion MY choice! <text deleted by mod>
If you wish to feel like you are doing it "For the kids" and not for a break then by all means feel that way - doesn't mean I will believe it though - my opinion, my right!!

As for the PP saying that studies have shown that kids perform better socially that kids who are raised 24/7 by their parents I have to say that there are many studies to the contrary - it's an argument that has NO unanimous and widely respected view - quite simply you need to believe what you want to believe and use whatever studies you pick and choose to support your argument. There will always be other studies refuting those ones - always!!!! I have a list of no less that 8 studies saying that childcare does NOT increase socialisation skills over kids who don't go in care. Also several studies saying that being in care can actually contribute to anxiety disorders and can lead to other behavioural problems. BUt again it's horse for courses and every study you read on the subject will say something different so what is the point? I believe what I believe for my own reasons...I clearly stated my post was opinion based only....I am not trying to bring people around to "my point of view" I couldn't care less about whether people have their kids in care or not! Why should I? It's not my business.

<text deleted by mod>

[SorenLorensen]

you have a right to an opinion, and WE who your opinion is directed towards are allowed to say for 'us' your opinions is not correct.

<text deleted by mod>

[ConfettiGirl]

<text deleted by mod>

While I don't think I am wrong and do believe my posts were taken out of context and that my points were not understood fully for what they were. I do concede that the way I voiced my posts is probably the reason they were taken the way that they were. I admit to not elaborating that my opinion was in reference the the whole daycare issue in GENERAL....ie it WAS in fact a general statement - not a statement that was meant to encompass every parent at every point in time.

Do I believe that "socialisation" is an excuse? Yes I do very much believe that! Do I think that EVERY SINGLE parent on the face of the earth only uses daycare for selfish reasons (although it's not really selfish to want a break every so often - more a human right) No! I believe that there are a very few parents who would probably completely lose the plot if they didn't have a break so in their cases daycare probably DOES make them a better parent.

My post was a blanket answer in response to what I thought was a blanket question and my OPINION is that daycare does NOT make someone a better parent! (I also happen to think socialisation is a crock - I am not intended to offend people with that comment but I truely do think that it isn't true). However I do believe that other parents genuinely believe that their children are benefitting from "socialisation" at daycare - they could be right - or I could be right!

Again I apologise for the ambiguity of my posts - but my stance has always been the same...I didn't suddenly change m mind.......I just explained my position in more detail :)

I really do hope that we can help each other on other parts of the HUB!

[BabelFish]

Confetti Girl - it's great that you have taken the time to elaborate further on your opinion. Yes, I do agree that disclaimers can be time-consuming and boring. But they don't have to be. It doesn't take much to alter that way you post something to make it inoffensive - and it's worth all the trouble it saves!

I'd like to point out that I, too, in my first post after yours offered you hard evidence - my own situation.

If I needed a break, I'd ask my Mum. My DD goes to childcare because I don't know anyone else with kids her age, and I can't get to a playgroup because she still has two sleeps a day and all playgroups for her age are down to one sleep. So she could either go with a bunch of three-year-olds or a bunch of babies.

She goes to daycare to get that time with other kids that I can't provide her with. It's as simple as that. She also goes because I am having another baby in three months and I feel that it's important that she understands that sometimes Mum and Dad (or Granny etc) aren't going to be able to give her ALL their attention whenever she wants it.

So it can't be that rare and unusual for parents to send their kids to daycare to play with other kids, because I'm someone right here who only does it for that reason, and there are plenty of others here, too.

[kuddles]

At this point in life I do not think daycare is for me. I have a wonderful partner who works Mon-Fri.

I do however have a friend who is a single Mum. I encouraged her to put her child into daycare because she was not coping at all. She was getting very cranky and often a little too violent. She smacks her children but I found she started smacking them for things that she wouldn't have before she was single. Her discipline was not constant and she was beginning to let everything go herself, the housework & even the cleanliness of her son. She put her son in childcare 2 days a week and is now coping a lot better. Yes she is a stay at home mum but she needed a break. Her little boy is doing much better for it.

So yes while it is not right for me it is right for someone else.

[BabelFish]

That's a great example of how it **can** make you a better parent. But I agree with others that this is not universally the case, and shouldn't be assumed to be either.

My DD only goes to daycare 4 hours a week. To me, that is not a break. Lol! A break is when she goes to her Granny's for the whole day or overnight so that DP and I can go out to dinner and a movie or something, or I can just spend a whole day in bed, which at nearly 7 months pregnant is bliss!

[joolz79]

I believe that sending your child(ren) to daycare to get a break CAN make a better parent, not WILL make a better parent. It is certainly not a requirement.
My boys both go to daycare so I can have a break and while this is something I do for me it is also something I believe benefits them as I am a calmer, less stressed mother for the break.
To me it's like getting counselling when I was suffering PND. It is something I did for myself primarily but a large part of the reason for doing it was still to be a better mother to my boys.

[Kayangel]

I think its upto each parent what they decide to do with there child but ill answer wat suits me...

Im a single mum so dont get any breaks or help, DS is in my care 24/7 and always has been, i have thought about using child care on these days where he hasnt stopped crying, sooking and throwing tantys but i just could never bring myself to send him, it wouldnt benefit DS in anyway, it wouldnt teach DS anything, it wouldnt even benefit me as in having a break i would spend the whole time missing him and worrying myself sick. I want my son raised in the family home, in a loving and safe enviroment, i belive i can teach him everything he needs to no till pre-school age, child care would just be stress on him. DS does 2 playgroups a week, Gymbaroo, swimming lessons and is in a soccer team, he gets lots of different experience and learns so much from everything he does.

Anyways back on track, No i would never use childcare, im fine with working/ studying parents using daycare but SAHM's are at home to look after there children so why put them in daycare? i dont think young children benefit from childcare, <deleted by moderator> Being a mum is hard yes we all no that but its a full time job, i dont agree with child care for having "days off" yes it ok to have family care for ur child once in a while but i think child care should be left for the working/ studying parents, kids grow up so fast, blink and there off to pre-school and school, just enjoy them before its too late.

[Nowhere]

In the sceme of the world does it REALLY matter why someone puts there child in child care. Does it really matter if it is for the Mum or the childs benifit. Sh*t we could say that it can do them both good, And same goes for the other way does it really matter why some choose not to put theres in child care, and weather it is for there benefit or the childs. As long as the child is being looked after and fed, clothed watered and loved does it really matter, Who there day a week at child care is for.

Seriously do what YOU want as a parent you dont need to try and convince someone else on the other side of a computer that it makes you a better mother or not.

There is nothing wrong with a child going to day care and there is nothing wrong with a child not going so what actualy is the problem or does everyone just like playing the whole game of whos a better mum.

[ICanDream]

I am one of those bad parents that did it because I needed a break and in our circumstance it was for the benefit of my son as well.

I have two incurable diseases, they are treatable but hard to manage. It got to the point where we were housebound, I couldn't even take DS to the park - I suffered chest pains and bowel issues that meant it was a nightmare.

He was going insane being at home all the time and in my opinion as his parent and in my circumstance he would gain more from being able to be active and enjoy himself without being held back from me.

He would only sleep for a maximum of 45mins so there was no break for me, I spent most of this time in tears and in pain - that's no life for anyone.

Thankfully my old company ended up giving me some work and I managed to do that from home on the day he was at childcare and I slowly stopped feeling so guilty. We slowly built his days up and I went back to work part time also for my mental well being as I started to suffer from depression from being so unwell and needed the adult interaction and change of focus.

To this day he has benefited greatly from being in childcare in my belief as his parent - he's having fun and I got some of my health issues under control and was able to see my specialists and go to the gym at times that were suited to all of us. Both my parents and IL's work full time so there was no help available.

I am about to go on Mat Leave, my health is rotten and pregnancy is full of complications so he will still be in childcare some of the time to let me have some "break" time, it's the only way we in our family can cope.

[jaq]

A number of personal and insulting posts have now been removed from this thread. While debate is encouraged, please do not carry on personal arguments in thread. Talking about your own experience is fine; making generalisations and using them to judge others is less useful.

[MummaBear03]

I don't think that people are "bad parents" for using childcare as a sanity saver, I just don't think it makes others bad for choosing not to use it.

For me, I didn't need a break from my daughter at that age, she did not need the interaction as she had other things, and she did not need it for school readiness because I'm more than capable of teaching her the things needed to get her ready for school. I used it because my financial state meant that I had to work to make end's meet, and I only worked enough to get us through, no more, and she only went while I worked, and no more. Had I not worked, she would not have attended at all. I don't think that would make me less of a mother for being with her 24/7, and I don't think it would have been a hindrance on her when she started school as she is independent by nature anyway and even her first day of daycare was fine, so for us, if I didn't work or if I had someone in the family to look after her, she never would have gone to childcare or anything before the age of 5.5 when she started Prep.

[bumMum]

hmmm pretty sure anyone can find studies on anything they want to... reputable studies even... to support their argument. at the end of the day, that doesn't make you right. I don't make my decisions as a parent based on statistics, I make decisions based purely on what feels right to me and what works best for us.

[BabelFish]

I don't think any parent bases their decision on statistics alone. But I'm certainly a parent who takes studies into consideration when deciding what is best for my child.

For example, if I hadn't read everything I have on controlled crying, it's quite possible I would have tried it one day. Now I never will (this is just an example - not to get the subject onto CC at all). If I hadn't read the studies I've read on television, it's quite likely my daughter would watch more than she probably should.

I think many parents use a combination of reading, research and what just works for them regardless in their parenting. There's nothing wrong with that.

[kellstar]

Personally, i have a DD 21/2 who goes to family day care twice a week, this is basically for my sanity!!
My DF works away up to 3 weeks at a time and all family/friends are interstate, i feel that i need the time to myself, not necessarily to shop,clean etc, but just to relax without someone tugging at me & calling mummy every 5 mins!!
I am also studying vet nusrsing via correspondance so this also gives me a little time to get some study done!!!
:) I literally need this time out, unfortunately im NOT superwomen and cant take on everything, although i try my hardest to do the best i possibly can!

[Boobycino]

Firstly, as general statement - not just on this particular topic - when one mum says "I do this to make me a better parent" she is never saying (well, i'm sure 99.9% of the time, maybe there is a odd mean mumma out there :confused:) "because you dont, you're a bad parent"

As a personal choice I wont use childcare. (odd one, I know, considering I'm a childcarer) but for me its a matter of I wont share him with anyone else. There is nothing in my life thats more important than him, no amount of housework, money, me-time, is worth more to me than time with him. I'm barely willing to use a baby sitter for the odd night out. I'll take DS with me anywhere I go, even if DP is home.

AND also to use that as an example for my first statement - me saying this in absolutely no way am I saying by default that parents who do use childcare for down time or to get things done love or care about their child any less than me - they just have different priorities, different needs.

And maybe my needs will change with time and I'll appreciate a break from my son some time in the future.

(And chesby - I'd love to see what you've found on CC - I need to arm myself with some information as my 11month old still doesn't sleep through the night and the pressure to let him cry is mounting! not to derail the thread at all! I might go start a new thread :yes:)

[MummaBear03]

The comments are along the lines of "Every parent needs that time out to make them a better parent" not "It makes me a better parent to do that" because the latter statement I could handle, they do what they need to do to improve their own parenting.

[*babygirl*]

I can understand parents using childcare for work reasons, study reasons, mental health reasons etc

BUT what I CANNOT and WILL NOT every be able to understand are comments like the ones below and people using them as 'reasons' to send their children to childcare! :no:



Honestly...WHAT can a child learn in a centre that they CANNOT learn at home :confused:

my daughter started childcare when she was 10 months old because i started uni... and now nearly two years later she is still going even though i dont go to uni anymore, why... because she gets something from there that i cant give her... my daughter is a VERY intellegent little girl and she needs to have somewhere she can go alone to learn new things and grow... she comes back every day she goes smarter and with more stories to share... my two year old delights in telling me 'new things' and 'stories' from kindy... and when we are home alone during the week she talks of kindy and what she plans to do and who she plans to play with etc... so yeah i do actually believe that for her kindy isnt just 'daycare' but a place she uses to gain confidence, skills and friends:yes:

[delirium]

I didn't see anyone saying that in order to be a good parent, you have to send them to daycare. I am reading personal experiences by members that feel THEY are better parents when they can get a break from sometimes really challenging children.

Having a child in cc doesn't make you a better parent, but it can for that person.

I am more reading people saying that those that put their kids in cc are copping out when they say it's for socialisation, when really it's to get a break and do nothing (I don't see the issue with either really).

If you don't feel the need to use childcare or don't like it, that's cool. If you do use cc, no matter what the reason, than that's cool too.

[poppie]

I put DD1 into pre school 1 day a week at age 3 because I think she needed it. She was so bored at home and is a much happier child because of it. I don't know if I will put DD2 in as early as she is a much more content child at home, however I think she should go for at least a year before school. I have family who are primary school teachers who all agree that 'overall' the children who have been in pre school settle in much quicker than those who do not. I think everyone uses childcare for different reasons and those reasons are only theirs!

[MummaBear03]

I didn't see anyone saying that in order to be a good parent, you have to send them to daycare. I am reading personal experiences by members that feel THEY are better parents when they can get a break from sometimes really challenging children.

Having a child in cc doesn't make you a better parent, but it can for that person.

I am more reading people saying that those that put their kids in cc are copping out when they say it's for socialisation, when really it's to get a break and do nothing (I don't see the issue with either really).

If you don't feel the need to use childcare or don't like it, that's cool. If you do use cc, no matter what the reason, than that's cool too.

Not in this thread, but I started this thread after hearing it said so many times that ALL parents NEED a break from there kids and that by sending them to childcare, parents get that regular break from their kids. I don't think that all parents need a break from their kids to be better parents. I don't really mind if people need a regular break and use childcare to get that regular break, I don't mind if they think it makes them a better parent for doing it, but I don't think it's what's needed to make all parents better parents. There are some terrible parents who use childcare to get a break and catch up on stuff at home, go shopping, go home to sleep or whatever, just as there are terrible parents who don't get a break at all, there are great parents who get regular breaks through childcare, and great parents who don't.

So it's no one in this thread, this thread was started because of the generalisation to begin with.

[delirium]

:thumbsup: We're in agreement then.

[jaq]

I think the one thing MOST of us are in agreement about is that generalisations are an evil, dangerous thing.

My child is different to your child; I am different to you ... any generalisation will probably get it wrong for ALL of us!

:shakehands:

[MrsTiggyWinkle]

... I started this thread after hearing it said so many times ...

Look at the fight you started NORTY Mummabear :p

Kidding, kidding...:wave:

[youngmummyof3]

my ds1 & 2 both go to preschool 2 days a week have since they wer 2 they are now 5 and 4 im home with dd and ds3 if i didnt have thm 2 days break i would be crazy i cant keep them happy for long they love counting down the days till school day i use them 2 day to catch up on sleep and housework and get out and have lunch with a girlfriend and can sit and have a coffee without having to talk every 5 mins and it has helped my 5 yr old he was a shy little boy that wouldnt talk to anybody now he is a real little chatterbox