Question about family secrets.

[MissBrightside]

If you knew of someone that had been molested as a child by their father, who now have teenagers of their own would you tell those kids about their granddad?
The father confessed his sins in church and was forgiven by the family, the mother stood by him and sent the daughter away. The daughter has now forgiven the father but the kids don't know about it and there have been court orders stating he is not to be alone with those kids but is constantly let surpervise them alone. The families excuse is that he dosen't stay overnight with them.
In my opinion once a child molester always a child molester.
These kids are my partners and I think they deserve to know about their grandfather but I have to bite my tongue because their dad dosen't want to cause dramas as their mother is pretty messed in the head and not a very nice person and will cause a lot more dramas for him.
One of the kids now lives with us full time and she has no time for him but she still wants the benefits of child support.
i know this may sound like something to use against them but I have been holding my tongue about it since i found out about it and way before my partner and I lived together.
It disgusts me to be honest!!

What would you do in the situation? I know it's not really my business but if something has happened or could happen, how would everyone live with themselves knowing the truth and that it could have been prevented?

[MissBrightside]

***Bump**** I need some opinions.:confused:

[Whispers]

I don't know it is hard, but what the hell is she doing leaving her kids with this monster. Being who I am I would say something to the mother.

[Poppetfish]

I was in a similiar situation with a family member who is a molester but i was the recipient. This man has now recently had a baby with his wife. I wont tell the wife what he has done in the past as everything is under the rug and my family would deny everything. The worst part is my mother used to randomly bring it up and blame me for turning him on. (It started before i was in school). I don't have anything to do with my family now and i feel ill thinking about the baby's future. :(

[sandy cheeks]

What the hell is the mum doing leaving that monster alone with the children.
I would push dp to tell them or I would more than likely tell them myself what if he did something to them.
If that was my ex and I did that he would not only tell the kids he would tell everyone in his family and why shouldn't he they are his kids after all he should protect them.

[MissBrightside]

That's another thing she has never said boo to me. I have been with my partner for just over two years now and she hasn't said one word to me, and if I walk near her she looks the other way with a sour puss look on her face, so I couldn't be bothered giving her the time of day!
Wouldn't you as a mother want to know who your son's living with? But then I guess she dosen't mind leaving him alone with a piece of scum.
The fact that all she cares about is her image bothers me and the greediness of them is ridiculous!
When the kids were younger she forced the kids to call the step dad, dad. If they spent the weekend with my partner they weren't allowed to talk about it to people. A lot of the time my partner would show up to pick up the kids and they just wouldn't be there.
The step-father is constantly the one who makes the decisions regarding the kids. Apparently because of her anxiety problems she can't handle making decisions. She always has to ask if it's ok with him first.
All this anxiety is apparently caused by the molestation. She is convinced both kids have been touched but never question if it was her father.
It's frustrating that they hide this secret.

[KatiesMum]

Firstly - from what I understand, that makes it your DP's ex (ie the childrens mother) who was abused?

To be honest, I would be forcing the issue with your partner.

If his children are being exposed to a known and confessed child molester ... then HELL YES I would have an issue!!!!

If the kids are kept away and not exposed to the grandfather at all, then I wouldnt be telling them ... in fact I am not sure about telling them WHY they cant see the Grandfather ........ but I would certainly be intervening so that they CANNOT be exposed to the risk.

:hugs:

ETA - just read your last post ... I would be thinkiing seriously about applying for full custody of the children. She sounds very messed up and your DP needs to put his childrens best interests first. :hugs:

[CookiesRYum]

I feel for you because it's not really your place but at the same time it is. Personally, I would speak out.

My father remarried when I was around 5; and the family he married into had a sorded history of children molestation stemming from the grandfather but supported through silence by the rest of the family.

He molested his children, confessed, was forgiven and "monitored" around his grandchild. He continued to molest his grandchild for years and when we joined the family he molested us too.

When he died it ended up coming out, but by then it was too late. I don't beleive any child molesterer will ever stop.

And trust me when I say that you don't have to stay over for it to happen - there is always a way to get you on your own and there are even ways of doing 'things' right in front of people.

[MissBrightside]

Yes it's my DP's ex. They split when the kids were 2 they are now 14. (twins)
There was a huge court war where lies were told my her saying that DP's sister was teaching them to masterbate and that DP's parents watched porno's etc. All untrue and the judge knew it.
DP doesn't want to cause the kids any hurt by telling them about it all. They know something happened to their mum but don't know what.
The court orders stated that they not be left alone with him but they still did. After 5 years of going to court I think DP was just exhausted.
Their is a bit of emotional abuse at their house. Step dad is very controlling and has anger issues.
DP's son has told me he couldn't even choose what he could have on his subway sandwich and the step dad would put stuff on it that he didn't like but would make him eat it anyway.
The family know about the grand father but because he went to church and confessed that made it ok.
I don't get how that makes it ok?

[CookiesRYum]

Unfortunately, the odds are very high that something has already happened. How old are these kids? Someone needs to protect them and it seems you are the only one who is able to do.

There was a lot of other abuse in my family (aside from sexual) which was blatanlty obvious the the outside world - but no one ever stept in because they felt it wasn't there place.

Please help these children...

[MissBrightside]

Exactly CaraT it takes 5 minutes! If that.

I don't want to be the cause of the dramas but to tell you the truth my life is about what is happening at their house. I have two kids of my own and one has special needs. So I don't need this crap.

SS says he feels at home now he is here. He has been home 3 times in the past two months for a couple of hours and always comes back here early because arguments start that they say are always caused by him.
They didn't let him bring anything with him. He wasn't at school for 3 weeks before he moved in with us because they didn't get around to enrolling him somewhere. They say his dad can buy him stuff.
Now they are disputing the amount of time he is here.

[CookiesRYum]

Sorry I just saw your post about them being 14 - it really scares me that if something has happened to them already - this continued secrecy will play havvock on them for years to come.

If it was me - I would be speaking to some councelling services about the best approach and gettng them support if/when they need it.

AND - I would be fighting for full custody.

I'm sorry but your DP is a weak man and not putting his children's safety first. He is even more to blame then the rest of them - he KNOWS its wrong. Sadly for the family involved and the mother (DP ex) they probably have many issues from their own experiences and may not fully understand. (Im not saying it's ok for them to protect him)

[sandy cheeks]

I would have headed back to court ages ago and tried to get the kids the woman sounds like a mess.
I am sorry but I cant understand why your dp has not tried to get them, they have every right to know about what grandad did how would dp feel if they have been abused by the grandad.
I just dont get why if he knows all this he sits back and risks something happening to his kids after all being abused is much worse than being told what he did to their mother.

[CookiesRYum]

Sadly, many ppl who are molested and don't get councelling etc end up becoming molesters themselve because they don't understand and have never been able to process what has happened.

If these 14yrs have been abused and don't get the help they need what happenes next? It is not uncommon for victims of abuse (physical or sexual) to act out the same behaviour on smaller siblings in a bid to understand what happen or express what happened or take back control etc. THAT'S POTENTIALLY YOUR CHILDREN TOO!

I'm sorry but it's not about child support, difficult relationships, keeping the peace etc - it about keeping the children safe and someone needs to do something.

[JiminyCricket]

If your partner was a decent dad he would have done something about it already.

I think you and your partner need to team up and do something about it, firstly tell the children and ask them if anything has happened to them , then i think you should call child welfare about the issue.
BM should not have the kids in her care if she is going to leave the kids with this ar3ehole!

Tell your partner that if he is not going to do anything about it then you will.
Ask him , is he perfectly happy to let his two young daughters get abused by a sick old pervert?

[MissBrightside]

To be honest I have had thoughts of SS having the potential to do something. I get a bit funny at home at times as my 4yo has ASD and one thing he does is run around in the raw. I don't want to stop my son from doing this as it's a release thing for him. He only does it at home but i am a bit funny about him doing it now SS is living here.
He is a very outspoken 14 yo and I believe he would say something if it did happen. I have reservations about SD although as she is very quiet and has gone through stages of self harm. She has said on occasions that she is not allowed to leave the room if her mum and step-dad are fighting because it's rude.
Their mum has also two more kids with the step dad. A 10yo and 4yo.
Their nana is very religious and because we don't believe in god we have no morals according to her. But she forgives and takes the side of a molester.

I am sorry for all of you girls that this has happened
to it can't be an easy thing to deal with and to see
the potential of it happening so easily to other children must be hard.

I'm going to talk to DP about it and if he doesn't say something I think I need to, for every child that has ever been harmed in this way and to protect them from it ever happening again.

[MissBrightside]

DP is a good dad he would do anything for his kids. I think he dosen't know what he can do sometimes.

He fought for 5 years to have some sort of custody for the kids. They were planning on moving interstate without telling DP. Numerous times they were either sick or just not home when he showed up on his allocated visits. Financially and emotionally it took it's toll hard on all of his family. He did go to court about the grand father but the order was always ignored by the mum.

The step dad recently said to SS if he wanted to see his bro and sis he had to do what he was told otherwise he can't see them.

It get's messy but like many of you have said the kids welfare should come first!

[CookiesRYum]

I know it won't be easy , but you are making the right choice by telling DP and moving forward from there.

If you have uneasiness about SS then it is something you should take seriously - a mother's instinct is rarely wrong. It's not that he would or even wants to do anything inapproriate - but if he has been abused and can't talk about it then he doesn't have any other way of coping and wouldn't even understand what it all means.

I was the loudiest kid on the planet and spoke about anything and everything (except that).

Be strong - I can imagine how hard it is given you have your own kids, one of whom has special needs.

It doesn't make it hard for me to hear about this stuff - it just makes me more determined to try to empower and support those ppl who can make a difference to do so.

I offer you all the strength you need and feel free to PM me if ever you want to.

Take care of yourself and those kids.