What discipline do you use?

[evesmum]

Hi everyone,

My DD is 20mths old and over the last few months she has become more and more defiant, while I understand she is exercising her independance and I try to give her as much space as she needs, when we do feel the need to discipline her she does the absolute opposite to what we say and even laughs at us! If we ask her to stop running away from us she runs faster, I f I ask her to stop getting into the rubbish bin, bathroom cupboard or anything else which is not appropriate for her to touch she will either ignore me until I physically move her away and then she will just continue to go back (oftentimes up to 45min :banghead: ) or she will kick or throw whatever she can. We always explain a situation to her and give her an alternative activity e.g we ask her to please stop throwing food on the floor as it will get dirty and to put it into the bowl instead. We feel that there is a definate need for a further punishment as we seem to be giving her too much slack as we have been unsure what else to do.

I have been trying a 'thinking chair' which I will use after three warnings each time it is used I explain what the inappropriate behaviour was and why it made me upset and explain that she will sit in the 'thinking chair' until I come back to her (which is only usually about 45sec if we could get that far) before we even get this far she sits grinning on the chair thinking its a game (no matter how serious I am), I tell her it is not a game and that I am very upset about what happened but she either scoots around the room on the chair or runs for her toys and water so she can have a little picnic! She just doesnt seem to understand what Im trying to do.

We are not really sure what other methods of discipline to use to get the message across especially in serious situations like running away near a road or continuing to play with something she is not supposed to.

I know there isnt really one foolproof method or anything but I was hoping that everyone might have some experiences that have worked for them or some suggestions about what I could try.

:confused: :confused:
Me DH

:p
DD

[kymmy]

I can only share with you my experiences.
Consistency is important from an early age especially about the important things.
When children are young they need repetiveness, consitency and familiarity
So it can be frustrating for you as mum but important for a young child.
I don't tend to yell at my kids unless I have to and even then I still remain polite by saying please etc.
Now my girl is 6 I have found time out is helpful.
I will give her 3 warnings then she is sent to her room for 5 minutes.
This has only eventuated 3 times but is most effective.
Its important I think, to remember all children are different.
What works for one wont work well with another.
As your child is still young I' d imagine it would be difficult to get them to sit on a chair for any length of time.
Just maybe try looking in the child's eye while explaining what you want them to do, or stop doing.

[the_queen]

It's hard, isn't it! This parenting job is the absolute hardest job in the world - phsyically demanding AND mentally exhausting, plus the constant thought "how will the way I'm doing things will affect her in the future??"

For the record, your DD sounds like a normal, happy, spirited little girl.


Instead of telling her "don't .... " blah blah blah, I would be instead telling her what she can do. I find this has always worked well with my DD. Instead of "don't jump on the couch" I say something like "come here Miss Kangaroo let's go jumping outside". I know it sounds naff, but here's a little experiment to illustrate my point: Don't think about a white elephant. Now what did you do? You thought about a white elephant, didn't you? If you tell a kid "don't play with the curtains" all they hear is "play with the curtains". And avoid the power struggle - just know that you are the adult and you are the parent. If she's constantly playing with something she's not supposed to, then instead of having a battle of wills and ending up losing your temper or feeling over-frustrated, just put that thing out of her reach.
At this age, you're right: it's all about her independance, so make your home totally child-friendly so that you're setting her up for success, instead of tempting her with forbidden things.

The basic "title" of my discipline style is "Natural Consequences". I make it totally impersonal to me, I make it clear that it doesn't bother me but I explain thouroughly how it will affect her. EG "it's going to be very hard for you to find your favourite book if they're all over the floor - and you might even find that some of your books get damaged! We need to be precious with books so that we can always have them to read to each other."
Another example: "you don't have to eat your dinner sweetheart, it's your choice - but you will probably have a rumbly hungry tummy at bedtime, because there's nothing else to eat after dinnertime" And then (and this is hard) at bedtime when she's saying "I'm hungry" you remind her gently that you told her this would happen, and perhaps next time she should eat all her dinner.
This is all probably a bit "old" for your DD, I guess, because mine is nearly 5 and it's a bit easier to reason with her. But yours is 20 months, and unfortunately you really can't expect too much from her at this age. At this age you are trying to earn her respect and model appropriate behaviour, so that soon (very soon, I promise ;) ) you will be able to reason with her, and she will take you seriously.

I hope I've been some help? If not, please disregard my post :p Like I said at the start, parenting is bl**dy hard, I just think that if we choose our battles and try to set things up in advance to avoid confrontations then we make life easier for ourselves.

:hugs:

[Notchalk]

I love the idea of natural consequences, and hope to use that with my 13mo whenever I can. It's just so hard not to revert to the parenting style I grew up with. Does anyone else find this? I'm not talking as far as smacking or anything, but the "I'm so disappointed in you" looks, and general "I don't love you because you did this" idea. Not that I don't love him, OBVIOUSLY! but that's the message he'd be getting.

I am thinking of doing a positive parenting course some time, but I'm hoping to just get into the positive parenting habbit, and ignore those horrible mothers who swear at their children at the supermarket :no: and look at the more positive parenting I might see around the place and emulate that :yes:

Good luck, Eve's Mum!

Jo

[kymmy]

Positive parenting is my aim.
I only find it difficult when I am tired.
It is also difficult when others aren't doing the same
ie. partner, grandparents, etc even strangers.
I would like to learn more about positive parenting .

It is so true parenting is the hardest job we will ever do.

[pixiesmums]

I am going through the exact same thing with my 19mth old DD. It's really frustrating because I am the same as you and are at a loss on how to discipline her. It's a real struggle to try and get her to listen to what I am saying and then get her to stop doing something. I feel like I am talking to a brick wall sometimes. And mine is the same if I tell her to stop running somewhere she looks back at me and laughs and runs even faster. I have tried getting down to her level and talking to her and that does nothing as well. I've tried a little smack on the hand and that does nothing as well. I will keep an eye on this thread for some other solutions to this problem

[stellaj]

I'm not sure if this would be regarded as AP but we have a cupboard that things 'have a holiday' in if DS is not behaving. I tried 'thinking chairs' etc but he thought it was a great joke so now instead of that i warn him that if he does stop then.... is going to have to have a holiday and if he continues i quietly pick up the item toy and remove it for awhile. MAybe try something similar, it is so frustrating isn't it? Good luck

[Mummy-2-2]

I do similar to the _queen. My dd is 22 months and she understands. Sometimes she downright ignores me, but there is usually a reason (tired, teething etc)

I have raised my voice to her twice and both times she has been worse behaved afterwards. (Running near a road is an exception where a raised voice may be necessary) I always try and keep my voice happy and say things like

"Oh look at you, playing with the curtains... mummy loves you, but she really doesnt want you to play with the curtains, how bout you come here for a BIG hug!!" or tickles or whatever sounds good a t the time. If she doesnt come, I go to her and start doing whatever it was that I have said, in a fun playful way so she forgets about the curtains.

It is the voice that makes them feel like they are going to be defiant, so if you dont give them something to be defiant about, they wont do it.

[kymmy]

The basic "title" of my discipline style is "Natural Consequences". I make it totally impersonal to me, I make it clear that it doesn't bother me but I explain thouroughly how it will affect her. EG "it's going to be very hard for you to find your favourite book if they're all over the floor - and you might even find that some of your books get damaged! We need to be precious with books so that we can always have them to read to each other."
Another example: "you don't have to eat your dinner sweetheart, it's your choice - but you will probably have a rumbly hungry tummy at bedtime, because there's nothing else to eat after dinnertime" And then (and this is hard) at bedtime when she's saying "I'm hungry" you remind her gently that you told her this would happen, and perhaps next time she should eat all her dinner.
This is all probably a bit "old" for your DD, I guess, because mine is nearly 5 and it's a bit easier to reason with her.


:hugs:

This sounds like what I do.
I also like your explaining about the word 'don't'
I was told if you use the word 'don't' make sure its precede with their name or with 'please' as a child is likely to disregard the first word!

[FourAngelKisses]

I use the naughty corner/cushion....though if I'm having a rotten day, I do tend to yell and scream a lot instead. I know I shouldn't, but I do.

I also use the "______ please don't" phrase, I think it works well.

I use "if you __________ then you may ________" and "when you _____ then you may_____" phrases and they work really well as well.

[Rainbowbrite]

I love the idea of natural consequences, and hope to use that with my 13mo whenever I can. It's just so hard not to revert to the parenting style I grew up with. Does anyone else find this?

I find that I do that all the time, & I hate it. I dont want to do it to MJ but its the first thing that comes to mind when she is misbehaving.

ie, i cant get MJ to stop flicking switches. I've tried, removal & distraction - doesnt work, asking her to stop - ditto. NOTHING WORKS.

I really wish there was a book I could read to help me out.

[Notchalk]

hehe YOU again with MJ, my boy's twin sister ;)

Did I tell you her birthdate was my 'due date' ?

:hugs:

Jo

[Rainbowbrite]

hehe YOU again with MJ, my boy's twin sister

Did I tell you her birthdate was my 'due date' ?

No :eek: Her due date was 30th May. I'm so glad she decided to grace us with her presense a few weeks early :yes:

[kymmy]

I really wish there was a book I could read to help me out.

There has to be...:fingerscrossed:

[FourAngelKisses]

The Supernanny has a book out which is supposed to be good. I tried Toddler Taming a few years ago but found it to be pretty useless. Persistance is the key though, you need to stick to it day in day out for the rest of their lives basically, which can be hard.

[evesmum]

Thanks everyone for your feedback.

I pretty much agree with everyone and follow these same discipline techniques but unfortunately the power of distraction started to wear off about 2mths ago and now dd has become much more persistent.

I think the "......please dont....." line is really good and I always try to make sure I speak nicely and well mannered even when I am disciplining (even though this can be Very hard sometimes).

I know there isnt a foolproof method to disciplining all children but its nice to hear everyones input anyway even if it is just for my own reassurance ( at least I know we've all been in the same boat as some point)

pixiesmums, its especially nice to know that you know exactly how Im feeling about this i.e.:confused:

I just thought Id let you know this is what Ive started to do and so far it seems to be working (it sort of incorporates a bit of everyones suggestions)

Ive started a three strike warning system:

When something happens that I dont feel is appropriate I either think of something similar to what she is doing but safe and recommend we do that instead like if she is climbing onto the table then I say "we shouldnt climb on tables so lets go outside and I will help you climb a tree instead" but when circumstances dont permit this then I hold her hands and look her in the eyes and say "....please stop climbing up onto the table because it makes mummy worried as you may fall off and hurt yourself" the second time I do the same thing but then say "if you climb onto the kitchen bench again we will have to go to our thinking spot" on the third time I calmly say "ok...this is the third time mummy has asked you to stop climbing on the bench so now it is time to sit down and refocus". Instead of putting dd on a chair and then walking back and forth to keep her sitting I sit down with her without talking and without any eyecontact or physical contact (unless she tries to make a run for it, then I just gently sit her back down in front of me). After I can see she has calmed down a bit and isnt so excitable and unfocused then I explain what she was doing that upset me and why I dont want it to continue and I tell her that she is welcome to get up when she feels ready to, then I just get up and go back to what I was doing or if we were playing then I cheerfully say "let me know when your ready and we can go back to playing together".

We have only had to do this three times in the last two days (this is a actually a good thing) and each time she comes to me afterwards and gives me a cuddle and kiss. every other time I have had to address a situation I have only had to warn her once and ocassionally twice and she stops before we get to "thinking time".

Ive found the "running away from mummy game" :no: and "lets get out of the car seat while mummy is driving game" :eek: is a bit harder to discipline so I think I will just have to grin and bear it for now.

Anyway enough of my rambling:ecomcity:

Thanks for everyones suggestions and anymore ideas that pop up on this post.

(pixiesmums let us know how you go )