3 .5 year old driving me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[louise37]

DD is now 3.5 years old and going through a really bad stage ( i hope it is only a stage). She doesn't listen to anything we tell her to do. We have to tell her at least half a dozen times and then we end up yelling at her which we don't want to do .
She has just started being very distant to her father when he goes to work she won't say goodbye or give him a cudle or kiss which upsets both of us . She is being really rude when she talks to us. We don't smack we try to talk calm to her about her behaviour and it still carries on we have stared taking her toys away from her saying when she is good and isn't rude anymore she can have them back, but she doesn't care.We also put in her room and say when she is sorry she can come out, but she just screams and bangs the wall for ages.I tried a reward chart which was good for about a week and then that didn't bother her.
It really upsets me to see her behave like this because she is a really beautiful girl.
Does anyone have anything else we can try because we are out our wits end .:(:crying::banghead::mad::shame::gloomy::confused :

[meggie09]

:hugs: ds just turned 4 and i am just like you, i dont know what to do.

[danielle13]

Sorry I don't have any advice but just wanted to say that I could have written your entire post, we are going through the same things here too.

Looking forward to seeing if anyone has any tips!

[carlylee]

we also are going through this with our 3.5 yr old..the guil that i feel wen i yell at him is enormous, but nothing works he rules the roost, running on couches, throwing, hitting, reward charts, time outs, taking toys away only worsens the sit (and wakes up baby)

[bambino]

DS is just turning 3 and we have been going through this for some months now.

When he's naughty, we get down on our knees eye to eye on his level, hold his hands and talk calmly about what he has just done, ask why he has done it, tell him he shouldn't do and what might happen if he as an accident etc.
We also ask him if he understands what mummy and daddy are saying.

It works. He pays attention to our calm voice and ends up saying sorry on his own accord.

After that, we distract him with another activity.

Prior to this we had the same issues...not listening, tantrums, time out, taking toys away etc but kids know how to push buttons, so we needed another tactic.
DH and I needed to learn to stay calm too :rolleyes:

His daycare teacher actually suggested this practise as this is what she does with all the kids and it makes sense to continue the same procedure at home so he is not confused between disipline and punishement.

I hope this helps.
I know all kids are different, but you never know.

[Chickadee]

I agree with keeping calm as Bambino described.

When DD was 3.5 or 4 years I read a parenting book** that I mostly disagreed with but it had one good thing that I took and found worked well for us: Offering choices. By offering a limited choice to kids it puts the power back in their hands and makes them accountable and responsible for their behaviour. They are choosing how to behave and the associated consequences. At 3.5 to 4 years kids are reaching another milestone and are exploring and pushing boundaries of their space, and I think this technique allowed DD to grow through that stage, within clear boundaries that we set.

some examples of choices, all offered in a calm voice, down face to face with her at her level and usually after helping her take some deep breaths to listen to me:

1. Situation: DD is arguing or throwing a tantrum over not wanting to get dressed.
Me: You have a choice. We can get dressed and then go shopping and to a playground, or you can choose to sit on your bed until you're ready.

2. Situation: DD is in hysterics & tantrum for an unknown reason.
Me: You have a choice. You can take a breathe to calm down and tell me why you're angry and upset so we can try to fix it, or you can choose to keep shouting but I can't help you that way. Do you wanto tell me?

3. Situation: DD doesn't want to go to bed.
Me: You have a choice. You can get your pyjama's on now as I've asked you and we'll have stories before bed like usual, or you can go to bed without stories. Which do you want to choose?

Note that none of those choices are really punishing her, but certainly one is going to be less fun and not something she wants. It takes some practice to be able to frame choices that are simple enough for kids to understand the consequences, while you're still happy with either option that they choose. When she would persist with wanting something that wasn't one of the choices given to her I'd simply tell that that's not a choice and repeat her choices. DD learnt very quickly.

**for anyone interested, the book was ParentCraft by Ken Mellor.

[Mietta]

We have similar issues at our place with our three and a half year old!
We also find things like reward charts just don't really work for her either. As you said, it will work for a short time, and then she is over it, we have thought it just seems as though she is quickly bored of the idea.
I like some of the discipline idea's in Steve Biddulph's book
'Secrets of raising Happy Children'.
He uses lots of eye contact, a stand and think method (or a thinking spot) and lots of discussion with the child about feelings and why the acting out is hapenning etc...
It is no miracle answer but we at least feel like we are doing something to *maybe* help the situation.
I love his middle of the road approach to discipline, taking into account a parents needs for time, space and co-operation as well as a child's feelings and needs.
I find other discipline methods too extreme at the other ends of the spectrum.

Our drama's are all around bedtime at the moment and after 3.5 years I am sooooooooo tired of sleep issues!!
I hope you find something that works for you, and know that every time you're having a bad moment there are many more of us out here feeling and experiencing exactly the same.
Good luck finding what works for you!

[louise37]

Thankyou for all your replies. We are trying the calm approach at the moment and trying to distract her when we can see what is about to happen and it seems to be working for now. :fingerscrossed:The hardest part is for DP and myself remaining calm and not yell and get cranky, but it has been a quietier house for the last couple of days which also has been helping the situation.
I will be reading the books that you have suggested to tackle the next stage of parenthood.The hardest and most challenging job in the world.

[lou333]

I just had to read your post as I feel exactly the same every day about my 3.5yo and it's good to hear it's a common problem. Time out works the best for us which isn't in her bedroom but in the "naughty spot" down our hallway as she finds something to enjoy in her bedroom. I just follow the TV supernanny's recommendations - so 3 minutes as she's 3 yrs old, then calmly explaining to her why her behaviour is unacceptable and asking her to say sorry. It does work for us, but if I start letting her get away with poor behaviour she escalates again. I sympathise and also feel :hair::banghead: pretty much every day grrrr!

[djandrobbiesmum]

I offer my symathies - My just turned 4yr old acts exactly the same. His behaviour was so bad I'd dread taking him out of the house!
About 3 mths ago we started using the choice system along with a 1,2,3 count and I'm now pleased to say that I never get passed 2. Once I start counting he realises the seriousnes of his behaviour and rapidly rethinks the direction he is going - this has been a very looong process but is finally paying out - the key was and is to be consistant.....tiring but worth it in the end.

[lou333]

:iagree: Oh yes - I'd forgotten about the counting thing! I tell her I'll count to 5 and I never have to get past 3 before she quickly gets it together. Mind you, I've no idea what I'm actually going to do if I ever get to 5 :laughing:....

[OJandMe]

I have 4.5yr old twins who are spirited, high attention, strong willed kids.

It's been YEARS of battle with their behaviour... on top of them favouring their twins attention over ours. So if O thinks J's misbehaviour is funny... he'll keep doing it, regardless of the rules.

We have had sooooo many attitude battles.. (And still do!!)

I use a few different types of techniques.... I use Virtues Language, logical consequences, time out and on the odd occasion a smack.

I find it's not one thing in itself...

Firstly they need to know HOW to behave... that's where my virtues language comes in. I remind them that we are to be courteous, considerate, respectful, patient, thoughtful, caring, helpful, peaceful, assertive (without being aggressive)...

Once they know how i expect them to behave.. i make sure I use that laguage constantly... so it's
" thankyou for being herlpful"
"You're playing really peacefully"

We have 3 rules...
- we are courteous
- we are considerate
- we are respectful

When they go against those I let them know that their behaviour is (whatever... destructive, violent, aggressive, untruthful, inconsiderate, impolite) and I remind them of the virtue I expect them to display.

Then I tell them they can sit in their room, or on the hill, or outside, or in time out... while they think of how they can rectify it or make peace... then I leaver it up to them.

Yesterday they broke Julian's car being too rough, disrespectful of anothers belongings and inconsiderate.... Jordan decided he would open his money box and give me the money to buy Julian a new car. It took over half his savings! but It was his way of making peace.

I strongly suggest you read
"The Family Virtues Guide" by... I can't remember...
And read "the discipline book" and "the good behaviour book" by Dr Bill and Martha Sears.

:hugs::hugs: I know it's hard!

The first thing you need to do is let him know in no uncertain words that his behaviour is completely unacceptable and you won't tolerate it.