Adopted and children of my own now

[Hunbub]

I was adopted when I was very young, my mother gave me up at birth and I spent 6xweeks in the hospital before my adoptive parents were allowed to pick me up and take me home. Somewhere in my brain or my heart, I remember being left in hospital crying with no one to comfort me. The scars are very much still with me.

I have 2x young children of my own now, and have started to feel that my birth mother should have kept me. She was only 16 and thought I would have a better life with a family that could provide for me.
My birth mother and I have a wonderful relationship now but I really want to tell her that I think she made a mistake. Not that it will change anything, and it would be very hard for her to hear it, I just have this urge to say 'it was a mistake - you should have kept me'
With my children, I know even if I was living in a gutter, they would have everything they need, their mother.

Is it better left unsaid in the past, or tell her how I really feel?

Thanks for reading :)

[poppet]

Hi Hun, my mum adopted out my brother when he was 2 months old (I was 4) as she too was young and felt she couldn't care for us both, ( we now have a great relationship with my bro) if he was to tell her that she had made a mistake it would kill her, she lived with guilt every day untill we finally met back up 20 yrs later.

If you really feel the need to tell your mum she made a mistake then that's up to you, but just remember she probably already thinks that and is carrying around guilt every day as it is:( as you say you now have a great relationship with her, what is to gain by hurting her?

[Fuchsia!]

Im so sorry for the trauma and hurt you feel :hugs:

I couldn't imagine how it feels. Coming from the otherside of things, my mum adopted a baby out when she was 16 as well.

I have seen the hurt and anguish she has felt all this time and recently she has been reunited with her son which has just been wonderful.

I spoke to her about it all and she said at the time there was no single parenting payment, the father was not on the scene and she has absolutely no support from her family or friends. For her it was the best thing for her baby and she felt that by keeping the baby it was selfish on her part because she knows she couldn't have given it the life it deserved. It broke her heart and i have spoken to her and asked if she regrets it and she says in one way she does, because she missed out on seeing him grow up but on the other hand she doesn\t because she know she would not have survived physically and mentally and it would have been worse off for her son.

I know that there is nothing anyone can say that can make you feel better and your feelings are so valid and i think if you feel you want to express those feelings to her then you should if you think it could help you heal.

Im sure she would feel regretfulness and sad that she hurt you so bad.

I hope everything works out for you :hugs:

[EdensMama]

I just had to respond to this post. Thankyou so much for sharing your experience. The way you've expressed the 'somewhere in my brain or heart' feelings you felt and still feel, just touched my heart. I have just had my first child and cannot believe how much my eyes have been opened to what true love is, when I thought I knew what it was before.

I couldn't imagine being in a place where I would have to give up my child, or in turn, being given up as a child - and thinking of you by yourself essentially for 6 weeks is heartbreaking.

You sound like an amazing, vibrant and strong woman- who has managed to connect with your birth mother, and that in itself it a great feat. I totally get why you feel you need to speak this out loud to your Mum. Maybe, if the relationship is in a place where that type of honesty could be safely navigated, it could bring complete healing to your heart (and brain :))

Many hugs to you and thankyou for your bravery in sharing. :hugs::hugs:

[MumNeedsCoffee]

Maybe instead of telling her that she made a mistake you could ask her how she felt about the decision she had to make and did she ever regret her decision?

You may find that she will tell you herself that she thinks she made a mistake.

[MumNeedsCoffee]

Just wanted to add that if you really want to tell your birth mother that she think she made a mistake as you would never make that choice yourself, even though it may be hard to hear I suspect she may have wondered many times herself about how her decision made you feel and it won't come as a great shock that you feel hurt in some ways about her decision.

DP's mother has told me how she felt about adopting out a baby and all the thoughts she went through.

[FionaV]

You have no right to tell her that she made a mistake. You weren't in her position and don't know and can never truly understand her reasons for her decision. I can't see how old you are, but it isn't that long ago that there was no single parent pension, no community support for a 16 year old unmarried mother, and very likely her family seeing only shame and disgrace. Community attitudes have changed enormously since I was 16 (I am 50 now) and for the better, but we can't enforce those changes retrospectively.

Let go of this, enjoy the relationship you have with your mother now, and enjoy your own children to the fullest. Eating your heart out over something that can't be changed is soul-destroying. Don't do it.

Where are your adoptive parents in all this? If they have any inkling how you are feeling they must be feeling completely rejected by a child they took into their home as their own and loved.

[whatwasithinking]

Maybe your birth mother know's what a mistake she made. Maybe she has been carrying the guilt with her since the day you were born up to today.

I really don't think she needs to hear it from you or anyone else for that matter.

I can understand your feelings so don't get me wrong I'm not trying to sound heartless.

[bAaM]

Not sure if you have tried this but have you thought about some councelling?

Maybe after some councelling you can ask your mum to come along to a session to talk about it and ask her to tell you how she felt.

Just hearing it without asking her directly will probably help. Like if you where there and the counceler askes your mum to tell you the feelings and emotions she felt and may still feel when she had to give you up. Then you can tell her your feelings and work through it together.

I cant imagine how your feeling but My heart breaks for you, its something that you need to deal with so you can move forward.:hugs:

[MumNeedsCoffee]

If it helps hun you're not the only person to have felt this way.

I watched a TV show once on a woman who was adopted, she had children of her own and experiencing the love she had for her own children could not understand how someone could have given her up and was very hurt.
And it also had the birth mother's point of view, that she had given up her daughter at 18 months of age, and how traumatic it was for her especially she had given her child a name, and watched her grow, she loved her daughter and it was frightening for her to have to give away a child who already knew a mother. But it was a decision that she had to make.

DP feels very positively about his adoption.
He was also cared for in hospital until 6 weeks when his parents were allowed to pick him up and take him home.
He feels very special that even though he was not biologically his child, his parents chose him and loved him as one of their own. He feels very lucky to have the wonderful parents that he does and that it was meant to be.

And now not only does he have his wonderful parents, and brother. But he has a relationship with his beautiful birth mother, whom he affectionately calls Mum 2. And he has a half brother and sister.

I love it too because DD has 3 sets of wonderful grandparents and family on all sides. Gets kinda confusing at times though cause both sets of DP's parents have the same first names!

:hugs:I hope no matter your decision that you can heal from this.

[Opinionated]

I think any parent would regret giving up a child. I think it is something that you should leave unsaid. It is a mistake that cannot be changed and no good can come from you saying that.:hugs:I am sure as a 16 year old child, she thought, and those advising her, thought it was the best decision.

My ex was adopted and he never got over it either, despite growing up in a lovely family. I think it does scar your soul in some way. :hugs:

[Alekay]

Hi I read your post and I do understand how you are feeling:hugs:
I am also adopted I was adopted out at 6 weeks and stayed in the hospital until my adoptive parents came to collect me.
I have similar thoughts to you though my mother was a bit older she was 22 and she already had one DD whom she kept.
I am sorry I have no advice but if you ever want to talk just PM me

:hugs::hugs:

[Sammy76]

You have no right to tell her that she made a mistake.

Where are your adoptive parents in all this? If they have any inkling how you are feeling they must be feeling completely rejected by a child they took into their home as their own and loved.

I am sorry but that sounds very judgemental and very harsh. You can't tell her to ignore how she feels. Maybe she doesn't have any 'right' as you might say, but it is how she feels. it is part of her healing, so don't judge her on that. People come here for help and those words don't seem very helpful to someone who is asking for help.

And to comment about her adoptive parents? How the hell can you say that?? Who are you in relation to the OP? No-one as far as I can say. Why make a personal attack that has nothing to do with what she originally asked!!! She has a feeling of abandonment from her mother, doesn't mean at all that she doesn't love her adoptive parents. Very harsh indeed. :mad:

[Alekay]

You have no right to tell her that she made a mistake. You weren't in her position and don't know and can never truly understand her reasons for her decision. I can't see how old you are, but it isn't that long ago that there was no single parent pension, no community support for a 16 year old unmarried mother, and very likely her family seeing only shame and disgrace. Community attitudes have changed enormously since I was 16 (I am 50 now) and for the better, but we can't enforce those changes retrospectively.

Let go of this, enjoy the relationship you have with your mother now, and enjoy your own children to the fullest. Eating your heart out over something that can't be changed is soul-destroying. Don't do it.

Where are your adoptive parents in all this? If they have any inkling how you are feeling they must be feeling completely rejected by a child they took into their home as their own and loved.

:banghead:What an awful thing to say to an adopted child:eek: Maybe you should look into the feelings adopted children/adults go through before writing something so harsh.

She has every right to feel the way she did, her adoptive parents should support her and understand. I wonder how you would feel if every year you birthday came around and you wonder if the person who carried you for 9mths even thinks a thing about you. Unless you are an adopted child which I highly doubt from your post then you can not tell her what she has the right to feel and what she has not. For an adopted child who has had no contact with their birth mother it is a NORMAL thing to think and feel. Also take into account that if you are wanting to meet your birth mother/ parents you have to be prepared emotionally that she/ they may not feel the same and that is like rejection all over again.

Maybe before being so judgmental you should read into the effects of closed adoption on children and adults before you go and comment in such a harsh and insensitive way:no:

And if you are interested in the effects of adoption of the child here are some links....

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/ginni.html
http://www.buzzle.com/articles/the-effects-of-adoption.html
http://www.ehow.com/facts_5272918_effects-adoption-child.html

[~BEXTER~]

I think your Mum would already feel bad enough without you telling her she made a mistake.

I understand you annoyed and hurt but i think if you go telling her she made a mistake then it may ruin the relationship yous have today.

You can say that if you had to live in a gutter with your child that you would keep them just so they are with you, i think if you were put in that place you would pray that you could give your kids a warm loving home with food and shelter and education.

Your mum would have had people around her telling her that if she kept you she would have to leave and would have no support, so she chose to give you up instead.

I think she did the right thing knowing she could not provide for you. Things were a lot harder back then the government didn't just give money away, you had to work for everything!

As a Mum yourself you should understand how it would feel if you couldnt afford to feed your kids or give them a house to live in. Take away your partner and the support you have in your life and forget about centrelink, How would you feel if you had just given birth to a baby at 16?? Then tell me how you would feel if you found that baby got a relationship started then they tell you how you made a mistake.
It would be like a slap in the face all over again.

[Hunbub]

Thanks so much for all the advice and support. I have spent the weekend with my birth mother and did not mention anything. I think when the time is right I will feel ok about talking about my feelings.
My birth mother's mum wanted her to keep me. But my birth mother didn't want that.
It's just so hard not to feel like a victim in this. I am sick of it. I tend to blame everything in my life on my adoption and after 29 yrs I still have not been able to let it go and get on with life.

Counselling may be my last resort.
My adoptive parents by the way, did not provide emotional support when I was growing up. I remember my mother hugging me and feeling nothing. She would either hug me too hard or more likely not at all. I didn't ask for this, to be adopted & I know I should consider my birth mothers feelings, but as selfish as it may seem, I feel like I am the one who's feelings should be considered.
So hard to let go when the damage is engraved from such an early age.

[Sammy76]

There is no way that you should be feeling guilty for feeling this way.

Firstly, I really want to give you one of these :hugs:.

I can hear your pain in your post.

I wasn't adopted but the feelings you have are similar (not the same) to what I have felt about being abused as a child.

I grew up very angry about it all, and this year has been a massive turn around with how I am dealing with that, and also very upsetting things that also happened in my family at the same time. I have been angry with my situation and my family and how things were dealt since it happened. It was eating away at me. I would act out in ways that wasn't right until I had my son. That calmed me down, and made me think about things.

But it wasn't til about 2 months ago, when trying to deal with my ds father (we aren't together) and other family things - all in one day. I had enough, i felt like I was going to burst with anger, and I decided I had had enough, I am no longer going to carry the anger with all that has happened. I am not going to let it affect me anymore.

What you are going through is different. But similar to the feelings of just 'wanting to let it go and not carry those feelings on anymore'. I know that feeling. I stopped carrying it. It has to be conscious (SP) effort every day, when I start to have a feeling of loss and anger, that 'No, I know I am not going to have these feelings pull me down any longer'.

What you are feeling, I can't even relate to because the feeling of rejection would be huge. What does your birth mother say about why she had you adopted out? Does she show any remorse? Most people on BH gave you some good advice, but the adoption sounded like it was quite different from what people assumed - your birth mother wanted you adopted out, yet your birth grandmother wanted to keep you. Many assumed the opposite. So it is no wonder you feel like you want to say - hey, your decision has affected me - especially if she hasn't shown any remorse.

Just be careful how you word it.

I think (depending on what your birth mother is like) that there is nothing with telling her that you did struggle with how you were bought up. That you did have a feeling off loss. That is if she doesn't show much regret. This could be part of your healing. If she is very sad and remorseful about it all, well it sounds like she does feel sad about it all, and words are probably not necessary to let her know.