DP’s problem has left me shattered.

[JJJRain-crew]

DP’s problem has left me shattered.
This is in a way a desperate plea for help from partners of people with gambling issues… I am in need of some answers, and so that I can start the journey to some kind of resolution.
This is where I’m at:
I have come to a point of a major crossroad, once again I have been left shattered (even shocked that for some reason I didn’t expect it to happen again)…
I always told myself that if I was ever in a relationship with an physically abusive person I would get out as soon as I made the realisation.
This in a way feels like emotional abuse, and I know that it has taken a major toll on my trust for him, across the board, not just with money, after what he has put me and his immediate family through, I am struggling to trust him with anything.
I thought we had a strong partnership until this issue came up, I have always been honest with him, honesty is something I hold great value to. it really has affected every aspect of our relationship…to the point where I feel myself pulling away on many levels in a bid to protect myself.
A quick overview of what I have been struggling with:
My DP has always been careless with money, and prone to enjoy a bet on really anything, (addiction is a prominent issue in his family tho) although his gambling has never become a major issue, I have been aware from the start of our relationship that it has potential to develop into a major addiction… sometimes I wonder if it already has.
He keeps secrets from me about money, and when I ask him about it he becomes vacant, so I have to ask him again and again until I get an answer (I end up feeling like the bad guy because I feel like I almost have to start an interrogation). Even when I do get an answer, he mumbles it, or changes the subject …
I have to check his business mail to make sure he’s been paying his loan, credit card, car payments.
I had to change most of the utility bills into my name so that I know they are getting payed.
We have had 2 eviction notices in under one year, the first time (when our real problems started) I had no idea, I was so shocked, he had managed to keep it from me for a month… this is what I am facing again at this very moment… after last time I decided to take the reigns at least until he was showing some major improvement… apparently I gave him the control back too soon, we are weeks behind in rent… another eviction notice…this time he left me and his family to pick up the pieces (again) while he went 2000km’s away for a (important) job, we found out about it a day after he left, luckily I have a good extended family to help get us back on track… but getting bailed all the time is not a great feeling.
Knowing all this now while DP is away for 3 months, I once again have to take full control of the money, I think it’s going to be a very long time before I trust him with financial responsibility.
The problem is that there has always been someone to bail him out so it’s taken him a long time to learn that every time he is reckless, he has to be prepared to make asacrifice, I just hope that we can start down a road of recovery before that sacrifice has to be me and his little girl.
I know that I cannot rescue him, and I wouldnt want to, I just want him to know that although I dont always understand I am and always will be his friend when he needs me, I cannot fource or convince him to seek help... but I will try to encourage him and hope for him to start to find his way... he knows what he's got to loose now.
Ok that is all for now LOL.... too tired

[sandy cheeks]

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:
As a child living with a gambler (dad) it was hard we never went without food but the telephone, elec and gas were cut at least every year.
The only thing that will help is gamblers anon it was the only thing that worked for my dad.
Your dp has to see that he has a prob it took my dad years and years no amount of someone telling him will make him see as a 14yo I would always tell him off degrade him about what a useless gambeling father he was never worked.
There have been ads on tv for partners of gamblers to call for help I will take the number next time it's on.
Talking to someone is your best starting point (not dp because at the moment he wont see iykwim)
:hugs::hugs:

[JJJRain-crew]

thx for your reply :) I am feeling alot better today, the other day was extra tough as I was still really in shock (and the fact that I found out hours after DP had to leave for training in the defence force for 2 months didn't help).
Although I have spoken to him briefly now and I have got to the bottom of where that money actually went this time (and it wasn't gambeling, just a majorly ill thought purchase he used rent money for).
I still feel that although he hasn't got a full blown gambeling problem yet, it would be very easy for him to cross the line...
I have decided to speak with someone who is experianced with things like this while he is away just for the sake of hopefully finding some good stratergies for supporting him emotionally but at the same time not enableing his negative behaviour/actions.

[moozle]

It seems he has a problem. Whether it's spending or gambling, he is financially irresponsible and needs some help. This is a mojor cause of stress in family life and maybe you can stress the importance of him working with you on this? Sit down together and work out a strict budget. You really need to have access to ALL of your finances. Everything that goes in and out should be able to be closely monitored by both of you. My DF had major problems with spending and saving and this was the only way we managed to get back on track. Things are great now and our relationship is stronger because he doens't feel guilty about not having enough money or buying things that I don't know about and I'm not constantly wondering where the money is going and stressing that we don't have enough!

BTW... not too sure what the point of the PP was... I have no idea how you report posts but I'm thinking it's advertising some software? So maybe a mod can check it out??