Single mums POV

[PeppaH]

I didnt know where to put this seeing as I dont think there is a partnered only section and besides I woudl like singles pov on this.

I just read a post in the singles section but didnt want to post in there in fear of getting my head ripped off, so I will try to explain myself here.

My mum was told by my nan (her mum) to leave 'kick my dad out and watch him crawl back" when I was about 11 I think. Well my dad didnt come back :yelclap: yay for him. He met someone he really clicked with and moved on. However, my mum sees him as the bad guy for moving on and getting re married and being happy etc. He and my step mum supported me, my sister and my mum for years. Of course I was told something else by my mum. She says we got kicked out of our home because my dad wanted to sell it etc etc all the nasty things. However years down the track (like last year or so) I find out that my dad and step mum had been paying for us to live there for ages and then gave my mum the option of just paying them the morgage money and buying it off them. She didnt like that so we moved.

Another story (which isnt my own and Im not all that familliar with) is my DF mum being a physco and insulting DF dad and making everyones life all the more difficult including herselves. This is years ago of course when they where jsut kids.

Now I hear these things all to offten, man leave women for whatever reason and women holds a grudge over man for life. Makes it hard for him to even have a fair go with his children, tells lies to the children about the dad, makes the dad out to be the bad guy to the children.

To me this isnt right. I could never do that to my DF is we broke up, I would never do that to my children. The way I look at it is that in most cases, its a problem between mother and father and they break up because of it.
So Im wondering for those who are in the situation of being single or parents have split up, does your mum hold a grudge? Do you hold a grudge? Why? if you/they do?

My mum does I think because my dad did remarry and she has no one. That is no ones fault but her own, yet to this day she has nothing nice to say abotu my dad, they man who she has two children to. The man she loved enough to marry and have two children to.

[IndigoJ]

My parents split up, neither holds a grudge, it was a mutual decision, they were moving in different directions.

This might be a question that is too personal for people to answer. Their reasons for doing anything are their own reasons.

[PeppaH]

My parents split up, neither holds a grudge, it was a mutual decision, they were moving in different directions.

This might be a question that is too personal for people to answer. Their reasons for doing anything are their own reasons.

Yeah I know it can be personal. Im not asking about if it was rape or a one night stand etc, thats obvious. Im asking more ... Why if it was something like the man cheated on you or just couldnt handle the pressure etc, do you hate him for leaving? Do they 'brainwash' their children because it didnt work out between the parents?

I think I can honestly say I hold a grudge against my mum for saying such horrible stuff. My dad was never the best dad, he makes up for it now though. He always tried to keep us in his life.

[IndigoJ]

Yeah I know it can be personal. Im not asking about if it was rape or a one night stand etc, thats obvious. Im asking more ... Why if it was something like the man cheated on you or just couldnt handle the pressure etc, do you hate him for leaving? Do they 'brainwash' their children because it didnt work out between the parents?

I think I can honestly say I hold a grudge against my mum for saying such horrible stuff. My dad was never the best dad, he makes up for it now though. He always tried to keep us in his life.


I think you misunderstood what i was saying. The bolded part is exactly what some people might not wish to discuss on an internet forum, amongst strangers, with the fear of being judged for their personal decisions/choices.

[whatwasithinking]

My parents split when I was 12. My mother blamed my father from day one and that is all I grew up to beleive. That my father was a so and so etc.

Then when I was an adult I found out that yes whilst my dad did do things that he shouldn't have that he wasn't such a bad monster after all.

My mum still holds a grudge and probably will until the day she dies.

But it's her problem not mine.

I would never do this to my children as it's between the parents and shouldn't involve the kids.

Though my daughter knows how horrible my husband treats me so if we split she would have seen it first hand and made up her own mind. I would let her form her own opinion and have her own relationship with her father.

OK I'm really dribbling now so I'm going to sign off. Must be the weather................

[Ana Gram]

But the thing is Peppah, you can't really know what went on between your mum and dad. That's between them. You obviously see you dad as a top bloke now for making the effort and he probably is a great dad but being a great dad doesn't always equate to being a great husband. Anything could have happened behind closed doors.

You also can't really know exactly how you would behave if you ever split up. You can't know, there are too many variables. You can hope that you would be able to take the high road but you are still human and so is your mum. She has obviously struggled to keep her feelings in check.

I left my ex, and he was upset for quite a long time. He still occasionally makes snide little remarks but I try to ignore it as it isn't helpful.

[PeppaH]

But the thing is Peppah, you can't really know what went on between your mum and dad. That's between them. You obviously see you dad as a top bloke now for making the effort and he probably is a great dad but being a great dad doesn't always equate to being a great husband. Anything could have happened behind closed doors.

You also can't really know exactly how you would behave if you ever split up. You can't know, there are too many variables. You can hope that you would be able to take the high road but you are still human and so is your mum. She has obviously struggled to keep her feelings in check.

I left my ex, and he was upset for quite a long time. He still occasionally makes snide little remarks but I try to ignore it as it isn't helpful.

First bolded answer - Thats what I mean though, just because a man is a bad hubby doesnt make him a bad father. Im asking would you dis him for being a bad hubby and confuse that (and your child) making him sound like a bad father as well??

Second bolded - Yes I do know because yes we had split up and it wasnt a nice one either. I made it clear at the time though that I by no means want him to stop seeing his son and I hold no grudges over him because I knwo he is a good father.

Edit, I have had nasty break ups before and I know how childish people can be over them. However I still talked to them like anybody else and whatnot. There are no children involved with them though, but if they were I would act the same. Yes they make bad partners but that has nothing to do with them as parents.

[SassyMummy]

My mother is a little bitter about my dad and her splitting up. Well, not really, just bitter about how he's changed since then.

My mother was perfect. She was little Betty Crocker housewife, and did everything to support my father. She did EVERYTHING for him, and was a fantastic mother. She gave up all of herself for my father and for us. He just made fun of her, made her feel uncomfortable by grabbing her bum and whispering dirty things in her ear in front of people, and otherwise just treated her like a second class citizen.

She finally left him when I was 14, after my brother and I told her she should. She went to work a bit before they split (first time since we were born), and he couldn't handle the fact that she was now a person in her own right - not just a mother or wife.

Anyway, she left him... and he changed. He treated his following gfs as if they were angels. He took one of a trip to Europe (paid for by him!) and got her expensive jewellery.

My mother was lucky if my father even remembered it was her birthday when she was with him.

I can understand her frustration. She never badmouths him. Well, she does, but it's nothing we don't already know and we're not little kids - we're adult and so it's different IMO. He does the same about her too.

I like her more than him, so that could be one reason why I don't have much of an issue with her whinging about him.

I've split from DDs father, and you have no idea how hard it is to not tell DD what a selfish pr*ck he is. I keep very neutral on it all... for her sake... and I refuse to lie for him, and make HIM answer the hard questions... so that I can't be accused of manipulation.

I would have said that I would have treated him well if we ever split when I was with him... but he changed. He wasn't just some guy I didn't love, but he was MEAN and CRUEL and NASTY. He seemed to forget that he was DDs father, and saw her hardly ever. I was left to deal with her crying that she missed him. I was the one living in a 3x3 room with my daughter, and struggling to find a new home. He was living it up like a young person, going clubbing, drinking, doing drugs, shagging around... etc etc.

Well, yeah, he has to get on with his life... but the worst thing is that he got on with it... WITHOUT DD being a part of it. She was kept around so he could pretend he was a fantastic doting father. He'd see her once every three weeks (approx) and call up his mother so she could see what a lovely dad he was... so he could pretend to be a fantastic dad to his new gf.

Then he finally left, moved overseas to be with a girl. He chose a girl over his daughter.

I am angry with him. You have no idea how angry I am. He's hurt our daughter so much, and it's me who has to deal with that. That's so unfair - he's the fool who caused the hurt, and yet he doesn't have to see what he's caused.

He sends me $40 a week. Calls her for 30 mins once a month. That's his contribution to her upbringing.

I think it's easy to see why I'd be angry with him.

So far I've managed to not say anything bad about him... but I've got YEARS AND YEARS to go with this parenting gig. It could very easily slip out oneday.

[PeppaH]

My parents split when I was 12. My mother blamed my father from day one and that is all I grew up to beleive. That my father was a so and so etc.

Then when I was an adult I found out that yes whilst my dad did do things that he shouldn't have that he wasn't such a bad monster after all.

My mum still holds a grudge and probably will until the day she dies.

But it's her problem not mine.

I would never do this to my children as it's between the parents and shouldn't involve the kids.

Though my daughter knows how horrible my husband treats me so if we split she would have seen it first hand and made up her own mind. I would let her form her own opinion and have her own relationship with her father.

OK I'm really dribbling now so I'm going to sign off. Must be the weather................

Thank you for answering. Thats what Im trying to find out. Of course if the child wants to hate the father because of them treating the mother badly thats their choice. Thats what Im getting at though, obviously in your case you believe you wont have to tell her because she will already know.
I, to this day am seen as a traitor because I associate with my dad and step mum. My sister doesnt want anythign to do with them even when my dad was on his death bed. My dad always asks after her and my mum, he is interested and they never have a nasty thing to say (about when they were together) they say stuff a bit when I talk abotu what she is doign lately :laughing: I love me dad for not being childish about it, I mean FFS it happened about 11 years ago :laughing:

[PeppaH]

SassyMummy, thats very strong of you I rekon. :yelclap: Its good to hear that although you think really badly of him you restrain yourself (so far) from saying those things to your daughter. Im sure even without you hounding your DD, she will grow up knowing it anyways... However my pov is that like you said, you would look like the manipulative one if you tried to tell her that. :thumbsup: Thanks for answering.

[Ana Gram]

First bolded answer - That's what I mean though, just because a man is a bad hubby doesn't make him a bad father. I'm asking would you dis him for being a bad hubby and confuse that (and your child) making him sound like a bad father as well??

Second bolded - Yes I do know because yes we had split up and it wasn't a nice one either. I made it clear at the time though that I by no means want him to stop seeing his son and I hold no grudges over him because I know he is a good father.

Edit, I have had nasty break ups before and I know how childish people can be over them. However I still talked to them like anybody else and whatnot. There are no children involved with them though, but if they were I would act the same. Yes they make bad partners but that has nothing to do with them as parents.

Then I am not sure what you are asking here. You said you wanted single mums POV, which I gave but it appears you don't.

[vick7474]

Hi There,

This is my first time on this site, so hope you find this response. My parents broke up when I was 18, now 35. My mum introduced me to a man when it was only me and her on a holiday at our usual beach town when I was 17. I soon realized that my mum was having an affair with this 75 year old man, she was about 50 at the time. I was then forced to go home and keep my mouth shut to my Dad, whom was always a great great dad. I had considerable guilt over this but believed that if I said nothing it would just go away. Eventually my Dad came home from work one day to an empty house ( we lived there from when I was 3!). I had already moved out from the whole situation. My mother found a photo of my dad and I while packing, cut my face out, and left it on the fridge ( as the only this she could not take as it was built into the wall) and wrote " she knew the whole time of this affair"!!!!

My Dad rang me and asked why????/ He said he came home and walked around our big empty farm house, in shock, and then saw the photo on the fridge, and that was the one thing that made him calapse on the floor crying - he told me this and again I felt guilty for something again I had no control over. He asked why??? again did I not say anything - my only response to this was " what was I supposed to do?" Tell you and break my parents 28 year marriage up or shut my mouth and hope it would go away. Very very dark time for me and yes I hold a grudge against my mother for this, and really as a mother now myself, now I ask why would any mother put her child in such a horrible position??

Needless to say, the affair did not work out and then she wanted to come back to my dad, but by then ( 2 years later) Dad had a whole house of new furniture, still had his 150k a year job and married a 26 year old blonde - ( yes we all believed her to be a gold digger too) but all these years later they are still married and happy as larry together!!!! As for mum, she now holds the grudge against my father for moving on - go figure!:wave:

[whatwasithinking]

Also I hold my dad with high respect. My mum at so many occassions still trys to bad mouth him, embarress him and belittle him and dad holds his himself and never responds back with a taunt. Namely at my wedding and then at my sister's wedding.

Dad knows he did wrong during his first marriage but he can't change the past. He knows he just needs to learn from his mistakes - and he has - he has been married to his second wife for 20yrs and stuck together through good and bad times..

[SweetSerenity]

I left my ex DH when DS was 1.5yrs old (April 2006).

Crappy father and crappy partner.

Now, we have both moved on, both are in long term relationships.

I don't so much hold a grudge, but I DO get annoyed with his lack of common sense and self centred behaviour. That has still stayed with him to this day (he's nearly 26) and I have no idea when or if that will ever change.

We don't argue anymore and I don't bad mouth him in front of DS, but he still disappoints me to this day with a lot of things and in the end it WILL hurt our DS as he gets older and sees things for himself.

I will leave it to him to see as I don't want my child to ever feel like I swayed the way he feels about his father.

[PeppaH]

Then I am not sure what you are asking here. You said you wanted single mums POV, which I gave but it appears you don't.

No, I got your view but Im just asking why. Im asking for an explaination. whether you give it is up to you. Im just trying to understand why people talk badly about a man as a father when they are angry at them as a husband.

[PeppaH]

Hi There,

This is my first time on this site, so hope you find this response. My parents broke up when I was 18, now 35. My mum introduced me to a man when it was only me and her on a holiday at our usual beach town when I was 17. I soon realized that my mum was having an affair with this 75 year old man, she was about 50 at the time. I was then forced to go home and keep my mouth shut to my Dad, whom was always a great great dad. I had considerable guilt over this but believed that if I said nothing it would just go away. Eventually my Dad came home from work one day to an empty house ( we lived there from when I was 3!). I had already moved out from the whole situation. My mother found a photo of my dad and I while packing, cut my face out, and left it on the fridge ( as the only this she could not take as it was built into the wall) and wrote " she knew the whole time of this affair"!!!!

My Dad rang me and asked why????/ He said he came home and walked around our big empty farm house, in shock, and then saw the photo on the fridge, and that was the one thing that made him calapse on the floor crying - he told me this and again I felt guilty for something again I had no control over. He asked why??? again did I not say anything - my only response to this was " what was I supposed to do?" Tell you and break my parents 28 year marriage up or shut my mouth and hope it would go away. Very very dark time for me and yes I hold a grudge against my mother for this, and really as a mother now myself, now I ask why would any mother put her child in such a horrible position??

Needless to say, the affair did not work out and then she wanted to come back to my dad, but by then ( 2 years later) Dad had a whole house of new furniture, still had his 150k a year job and married a 26 year old blonde - ( yes we all believed her to be a gold digger too) but all these years later they are still married and happy as larry together!!!! As for mum, she now holds the grudge against my father for moving on - go figure!:wave:

That would of been a tough one for sure. If it was anyone else other than my parents (ie a friends relationship) I would have no problems...But yeah... Telling your dad..... I think though I would of told. After alot of debating though. I would see it as my mother doign wrong by my father and feel obligated to tell.

Glad she got what was coming in the end lol Sorry no offence. Glad your dad moved on :thumbsup: Bet the young gold digger would of really ticked your mum off.

[Ana Gram]

No, I got your view but I'm just asking why. I'm asking for an explanation. whether you give it is up to you. I'm just trying to understand why people talk badly about a man as a father when they are angry at them as a husband.

I can't explain why other people do things. I suspect they do it because they are hurt and can't control their emotions. Parents are human and not infallible. They screw up.

[SassyMummy]

I think that sometimes, being a partner and being a father are linked. If you do something that will likely destroy your family (like cheat I suppose), then you're kinda not being a great father, are you?

I'd say most single parents are angry because they have a reason to be... and not just because they're angry at their ex for being a bad partner, but being a bad father too.

So many single parents struggle their butts off, and their exes don't seem to lift a finger in regards to their kids. Some are blessed with exes who are great dads post break-up, but a lot of men change and become idiots who shirk their responsibilities.

I am angry at my ex because of the fact he abandoned our daughter, moreso than because he was a pathetic partner. I would be okay with him if he actualyl did something for DD.

[Fuchsia!]

Because you are hurt and suffering and the whole thing is a massive rollercoaster with emotions you can't keep up with.

My ex left me, just decided one day that he couldn't hack it being a father and partner and walked out.

Do you know how that feels? I will tell you how i felt, rejected, angry, ugly, hurt, embarassed, emotional, depressed, worthless, useless, worried, upset, unsure of the future.

They are just some of the emotions i felt. They all come at once and you its hard to control them.

I hate him for what he did, he has moved on with his life, he parties on, he has no responsibilities at all, he can do what he wants when he wants, he has money whenever he wants. His life has changed for the better. he makes a phone call here and there and visits the kids once in a while when it suits him. He gets to go on holidays whenever he wants.

Me on the other hand have to do everything, my life has changed and not for the better, im completely on my own, so god damn lonely, just a trip to the supermarket is a mission in its self. I never go out, i live week to week with money and it hardly stretches the week. I have to do absolutely everything.

Its hard not to put my feelings into the situation, very hard. I remember when he 1st walked out i said to him "i don't ever want you to see the kids again" Cause i was hurt and angry at him for what he done.

At the moment i have to hold in everything with all my might. When my DS sits there and brags about how awesome his father is i have to hold in as hard i can and not explode and say "you father is a piece of **** that left us cause he couldn't hack it" But i know its not the right thing to do and i know one day i will be that emotional i probably will let it slip and let it out, for now im holding it in and although i feel like im about to explode i will keep it in for the sake of my children.

Unless you have been there you seriously have no idea. Even i can't explain it myself but thats a little insight into my situation. Not everyone will have my will power and im not sure how long i will have it too.

Remember regarding your parents- There a always 3 sides to the story, your mums, your dads and the truth.

[Cathy3]

My mum and dad split when i was 12. My dad cheated on my mum on more than one occsion with the same person. My mum didnt bad mouth my dad at all. The small town that we live it, i saw it i new what was going on. Do i hold a grudge umm yep. My dad cheated on my mum. Treated her like ****. Then had the gall when his marriage (to the one that he cheated with) broke up try to get back with mum. I went and saw dad and step mum every hoildays. Dad pay child support, have to give him that. He did pay half of my trips to see him. He wasnt the best dad but he did try. Tho with saying that he doesnt ring and if u ask him my kids name he prob wouldnt be able to tellu them. That goes for my other 3 sisters to. If i ever spilt up with my partner i wouldnt bad mouth them to my kids. They r still going to be his kids no matter what.

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

Peppah, how do you know for sure who is telling the truth? Your dad or your mum?

My ex has been an awful father. I don't give a rats about our relationship, I'm so glad we never stayed together, because my life is far better then it ever would have been with him in it.

It is very hard not to hold a grudge against someone who hurts your child, and would leave them go without though. My ex would say he was comming for visitiation and not show up, he asked my DD to be flower girl when he got married and then changed his mind. He never pays child support, and when I was single and poor I really reall needed that money for her. it would in fact take me days to write all of the awful things he has done to let her down.

I don't dis my ex to my DD, she has figured it out all on her own now that she is older and can see him for what he is, but how can I possibly like a man who would treat his own child so poorly?

Moreover in most cases when men are not in their childrens lives, it is their choice. So it can be hard for a mum to remain neutral when she sees the hurt a father can cause, when he is supposed to be loving and protecting his children.

[PeppaH]

Peppah, how do you know for sure who is telling the truth? Your dad or your mum?

My ex has been an awful father. I don't give a rats about our relationship, I'm so glad we never stayed together, because my life is far better then it ever would have been with him in it.

It is very hard not to hold a grudge against someone who hurts your child, and would leave them go without though. My ex would say he was comming for visitiation and not show up, he asked my DD to be flower girl when he got married and then changed his mind. He never pays child support, and when I was single and poor I really reall needed that money for her. it would in fact take me days to write all of the awful things he has done to let her down.

I don't dis my ex to my DD, she has figured it out all on her own now that she is older and can see him for what he is, but how can I possibly like a man who would treat his own child so poorly?

Moreover in most cases when men are not in their childrens lives, it is their choice. So it can be hard for a mum to remain neutral when she sees the hurt a father can cause, when he is supposed to be loving and protecting his children.

Thats beside the point though, I wouldnt care if what really happened was my dad cheated on my mum, that has nothing to do with me.
Of cause Im not talkign about if the father is a bad father, Im talking only if the father was a bad husband/partner. Its nothign to do with if my mum is telling the truth or if my dad is telling the truth, its about my mum going on about how horrible my dad is. Thats not the case I saw, I saw a man trying to be a good father with everyone against him.

[sunnyflower]

My parents split when i was 6.

Mum ended it .Dad was becoming super religious and she couldnt deal.They would have split anyway.

Anyway she quickly moved on and was with the same guy for 18 yrs,now split now friends.
Dad married again 14 years ago,is very happy.

Basically dad never badmouths mum,she always badmouths him.Thinks he isn"t a very good dad or grandad.Neither of them were very good parents but mum is very hands on now.Dad not so much.I have no issues with them.

I wish mum would just move on with her life emotionally though,she still hangs on to the crap from the past.It's very draining to listen to.

[PeppaH]

My parents split when i was 6.

Mum ended it .Dad was becoming super religious and she couldnt deal.They would have split anyway.

Anyway she quickly moved on and was with the same guy for 18 yrs,now split now friends.
Dad married again 14 years ago,is very happy.

Basically dad never badmouths mum,she always badmouths him.Thinks he isn"t a very good dad or grandad.Neither of them were very good parents but mum is very hands on now.Dad not so much.I have no issues with them.

I wish mum would just move on with her life emotionally though,she still hangs on to the crap from the past.It's very draining to listen to.

Oh I know the feeling, my mum carries on like it only happened yesterday. Its hard on me because I love my dad and when I have something upsetting me (like when he was dieing) I thought I could talk to my mum but all I got and all I ever get is "good, the stupid moron deserves what he gets". So yeah, I try not to talk to my mum about my feelings and ANYTHING concernign my dad these days.:no:

[kel87]

I’m not in this situation, but I wanted to post my thoughts on the topic.

Firstly, to all the posters, you should be very proud of what you achieved thus far. I can only imagine how hard it is to bite your tongue when you know you child’s father is an absolute pig, but you need to be applauded for not saying anything, as I am married to a fantastic man who unfortunately – in his own words “was brainwashed against his father” and wishes he could have just been left out of it.

I think Mum’s generally get the harder situation when a relationship involving a child breaks up. It is generally the mum that has full custody of the child, and with this comes the pressure to support their child emotionally and financially – on one income (if they can work) while the other partner – as described in PP can just go back to life ‘before baby’ and this could make the mother resent them?

I also think generally the mums are bitter towards the dads, because they have abandoned the role of a father, as PP have said, some have left the country, moved on straight away etc and that would be very hard to deal with .. ITS NOT FAIR!!!
I know this hasn’t been helpful but for the mum’s that are biting their tongues .. J

[sweetseven]

When we split, my XH was a complete waste of space. I did everything I could to fascillitate a relationship between him and the children, and not say anything bad about him to them.

Conversely, he seemed to do the opposite, and was constantly insulting me (and my eventual new partner) to them.

After a slow start (two years) he has stepped up to the plate and developed a good relationship with the children. He is really good with them now, spending almost every weekend with them.

This leaves me feeling somewhat cheated, because I feel like I was the one that stuck in there, and slogged through when times were difficult. Now, I get to deal with the boring day-to-day, getting them off to school and extra-curricula activities, whereas he gets the fun weekends.

However, I cannot fault him for his behaviour now (other than the occasional comment about myself or DP). So yes, the children have really benefitted. I just feel like I've been left behind.

It has become a little more equitable, because his shifts at work changed, so I now get them on Sundays (and he has Saturdays) so I have at least some weekend time with them.

[SorenLorensen]

a close friend of mine left her hubby. final straw what after one night that left her with bruises she could not hide and knew it was time to come clean to her family and mainly herself that this was a bad situation.
her childs father is actually pretty decent these days.
she is trying very hard right now, it is all new to her and sometimes she will get vocal about her ex in front of her child.
she holds a grudge because of what he did to her, because is no longer the man she fell in love with, because he made her lie to people who were close to her, because she wqs never good enough, because he changed her, because he made her feel worthless, because he forced her friends away, because he did this in front of their child, because her child ended up not reacting to them fighting or him hitting her...it was normal, because he never gave her the happy family, because he took away the first 2 years of what could have been a happy mother hood from her and replaced it with fear.

she is now living it up, she is slowly getting close to who she was, though she will never be the same i sometimes see that old carefree friend of mine come out to play and it is wonderful. what he did to her was beyond what words can express, the cuts and bruises were nothing compared to what he did to her mind :no:

but as i said, he is actually a pretty decent dad and she TRYS her hardest not to verbalise her hatred for him in front of her child but sometimes she slips up, she is human.

i am not a single mum nor have i ever been, NEVER will i fully understand the hurt that can come with breaking ties with the father of your children under not so nice circumstances unless it happens to me.
therefore i will not judge or question why they sometimes let go, i will not criticise them for it rather i will offer a hug, i know what i have seen my friend go through and it is not easy.

[reAllytee]

But the thing is Peppah, you can't really know what went on between your mum and dad. That's between them. You obviously see you dad as a top bloke now for making the effort and he probably is a great dad but being a great dad doesn't always equate to being a great husband. Anything could have happened behind closed doors.

You also can't really know exactly how you would behave if you ever split up. You can't know, there are too many variables. You can hope that you would be able to take the high road but you are still human and so is your mum. She has obviously struggled to keep her feelings in check.

I left my ex, and he was upset for quite a long time. He still occasionally makes snide little remarks but I try to ignore it as it isn't helpful.

:yes:


Because you are hurt and suffering and the whole thing is a massive rollercoaster with emotions you can't keep up with.

My ex left me, just decided one day that he couldn't hack it being a father and partner and walked out.

Do you know how that feels? I will tell you how i felt, rejected, angry, ugly, hurt, embarassed, emotional, depressed, worthless, useless, worried, upset, unsure of the future.

They are just some of the emotions i felt. They all come at once and you its hard to control them.

I hate him for what he did, he has moved on with his life, he parties on, he has no responsibilities at all, he can do what he wants when he wants, he has money whenever he wants. His life has changed for the better. he makes a phone call here and there and visits the kids once in a while when it suits him. He gets to go on holidays whenever he wants.

Me on the other hand have to do everything, my life has changed and not for the better, im completely on my own, so god damn lonely, just a trip to the supermarket is a mission in its self. I never go out, i live week to week with money and it hardly stretches the week. I have to do absolutely everything.

Its hard not to put my feelings into the situation, very hard. I remember when he 1st walked out i said to him "i don't ever want you to see the kids again" Cause i was hurt and angry at him for what he done.

At the moment i have to hold in everything with all my might. When my DS sits there and brags about how awesome his father is i have to hold in as hard i can and not explode and say "you father is a piece of **** that left us cause he couldn't hack it" But i know its not the right thing to do and i know one day i will be that emotional i probably will let it slip and let it out, for now im holding it in and although i feel like im about to explode i will keep it in for the sake of my children.

Unless you have been there you seriously have no idea. Even i can't explain it myself but thats a little insight into my situation. Not everyone will have my will power and im not sure how long i will have it too.

Remember regarding your parents- There a always 3 sides to the story, your mums, your dads and the truth.

As you basically know I get that totally :hugs::hugs:


Its all very new to me as its been 8wks now ...

I try my best not to speak anything bad about the ex around the boys ... Im not perfect, it happens when I am upset but mostly I bite my tongue.

I am the one that has to deal with Boof when he lashes out that he hasnt seen daddy this week or that he hasnt called or only called for a matter of minutes.

I am the one who has to watch her 4.5yr old cry himself to sleep almost every nite or have a number of nightmares through the nite screaming out for daddy.

Our split was probably inevitable, I get that & yanno we are both probably better off apart but how it all went down has left me with a lot of hurt & anger.

That doesnt mean I let rip in front of the boys although I am sure they sense the tension they arent silly. But I do bite my tongue when its their time with daddy & I have to deal with various issues.

I do however take aim when alone with him ... Yep probably petty & immature but like Jax, I am hurt, I feel used & like something that can be thrown away when it isnt good enough anymore.

I admit that I still love my ex, yeah that all seems warped after the above but I cannot help but miss the man that I fell in love with & the man that our boys will probably never get to know & thats also what makes me angry some days. To think this isnt even the real him thats doing all of this yet I have to accept it for what it is & let him walk away.

We are all only human in the end & we try to do the best we can with what we get given.

[aquarius]

oh reallytee you've made cry! i'm sending you lots of hugs :hugs:

[Hollywood]

My parents should never have even gotten married :(

Dad ended up cheating on Mum for something like 5 years, with his secretary (who, ironically, had the same name as my Mum :rolleyes:).

Long story short, he finally left when I was 11. Mum remarried only 1 year later, and is still with my step dad 20 years on. My Dad has had many girlfriends, the latest of which he has been together with for about a year.

Despite my mum marrying a lovely man soon after divorcing, she still isn't really over the situation with my Dad, and still says some negative things about him.

I certainly don't think my Dad is flawless (far from it), but neither is my Mum. I just wish I knew what to say to help Mum deal with her feelings, 20 years is such a long time to hold onto grudges and I feel sorry for my step dad who has to hear that stuff time and again :(.

[TwoSweetPeas]

This is such a hard one to comment on. I wish I could say that my ex was a fantastic dad, he was and is a dad, but not fantastic, great or even good. He would never go to the park, beach or walks, I would take the girls every weekend, and it got to the point that I stopped asking him to go because I new it was going to cause an arguement it was easier to just not get yelled at for 20minutes. Apparently he is ellergic to grass, yet played golf every weekend for 8-10hrs with no side affects. I was CONSTANTLY getting yelled at and abused infront of my family and friends, I lost the few friends I had as they thought i was stupid for staying with him. I thought if he loved me he would change and treat me right. My girls have seen all too many times me getting yelled at, sworn at, him knocking things over, punching things and going crazy like a looney. My older one remembers and when I packed his bags earlier this year she actually said to me mummy its good without dad here because he not yelling at you. How sad is that for a 4 yr old to realise. My younger one thinks he is the bees knees, and ill let her keep believing this as she needs a hero and her daddy should be it. Though he never calls, and has stopped contact with them. When she asks if daddy is picking her up from kindy tomorrow I just say no sweetie I havent heard yet, but im sure he is missing you, and she gives me the biggest smyle, who am i to take that away from her? (Admittidly I hate saying it, everytime its like im forcing the words out) My oldest still says I dont want to go with daddy, when she was with him though she had a good time, but I just say of corse you do, I know you miss him and he misses you. She looks at me with a confused look, its just like she knows he has given up on her. They never ask to call him, they know they can as they have done so a few times in the first few months. He has moved on with a new girlfriend, which i dont begruded, but whom im not aloud to meet. Not sure why, maybe scared ill tell the trueth about him? Dont really care, though I do wonder if she has had the same treatment I so stupidly put up with for too many years.

[bumMum]

twosweetpeas your story made me almost cry! I can't understand why any man would turn his back on two adorable little girls! I hope you find a way to explain it to your youngest girl without breaking her heart.