Peppah

[Deserama]

Please lets keep this thread open just for a little while so I can explain a few things. Can we please? Can we not attack anyone please?? Please please please?

I think it's important to enlighten people with things like this rather than attack their view.

Peppah - you said this...


Im sure we all have/had moment when we shouldnt of put ourself in such a situation. Drinking and taking drugs with a guy that you said wanted to get down your pants so much, doesnt purely put it on him. You were the one who did it knowing all to well the situation you would put your self in. As horrible as it is.


First of all. I'm not offended ok. I accept that you think this way...and I know that if you knew better then you'd probably change your mind.

But here's where you're missing a few things.....

I take responsibility for my having put myself in that position.

The ONLY reason that I take responsibility is because I've recognised that the only control that I had in the situation was my decisions up until that point. And I had to do this because I felt that he had taken away my power...and I needed to take my power back.

Blowed if I'm going to give him the power to make my decisions for me too right? He had already violated my body...no way am I going to allow him to violate my control over my actions before I even met with him too...he wasn't in my mind, making my decide to do the things I did.

But as I said peppah - that's where it stops. I can only control what I can control. After that the control was his.

He had two decisions....take advantage of my stupid decision and hurt me because I was vulnerable and he knew I could do nothing (as gutless as he was)

or,,,

Recognise that I was in a position that I could be taken advantage of and decide not to. Give me a pillow and a blanket and a corner and let me sleep it off.

He chose the first one. I DID NOT choose that for him. I could not control his decision...because remember my control ended when he took over. I could not go into his mind and make him do different,,,therefore the onus for self-control was COMPLETELY on him!

I was responsible for my own actions for as long as I had control of them. HE was responsible for his own actions the whole time.

Do you understand?

I can't be blamed for something I could not control!

NO I shouldn't have been there but the scenario could have had a whole different ending had he had common decency to leave me alone...then I would have woken up safe and thanking my lucky stars and learned from the 'close call' and never put myself in that position again.

He didn'thave decency peppah - he was an opportunistic predator who saw that I was vulnerable and pounced!

HIS MIND - HIS DESCISION - HIS ACTIONS = HIS RESPONSIBILTY 100%

[Nomsie]

Deserama,

Whilst I am not aware of the thread that sparked this one, I applaud you for your view on the situation. You will not be the victim here, so well done to you. :hugs:

I would like to share that I have the same views as you just expressed, and a somewhat different scenario happened to me when I was 19/20 and living with girlfriends for Uni.

We used to go out a lot on a thursday night as you do. during this particular time, I was on practicum at a local primary school- a lot of other teaching students from my uni where there too. One guy, it turned out, lived right next door to me. We joked and talked in the staff room- he seemed an alright type of guy.

Anyway, so this night out my friends wanted to go home early, but I was having too good of a time. I found the guy on the dance floor, and asked him when he was leaving would he let me know, and we could walk home together, as I didn't want to go home alone. (We only lived a few blocks from the city centre, but walking at night is a no no!) He agreed, and I left it at that. That was the only contact we had all night. There was no flirting, no chatting up, nothing.

So anyway, he found me, we left and went home. When I got to my house, I tried to say goodnight, but he asked if he could come in for a cup of coffee. I decided he had been nice enough to walk me home, so I said that would be alright.

Long story short, I went to bed, and made it clear he should go home. I was VERY intoxicated, and as soon as my head hit the pillow I was out of it. He took it upon himself to come into my room though... and well, I guess you can all figure out the rest.

He left early the next morning. :mad:

The worst part was, the girl in the room next door thought I had willingly picked someone up, and was mad at me for not filling her in on "all the juicy gossip". Our relationship soured (because I refused to talk about the incident), and she went out and intentionally bought home a boy I had been forming a relationship with just to spite me.

Anyway, I digress. Yes, I was sexually abused. No, I will not be the victim. HE is the one who decided to take advantage of the situation. HE is the one who should be ashamed for the rest of his life. HE was the opportunistic predator. :( HIS MIND - HIS DECISION - HIS ACTIONS = HIS RESPONSIBILTY 100%.


And I'm sorry if I have taken your thread off course, I just wanted you to know I applaud your view and that you're not alone :o

[carebears]

sorry Deserama

i have no idea what you are talking about , did this happen from another thread ????

[CrankyAndTired]

Deserama & Nomsie ... :hugs::hugs:

Noone should have been through what you've been through :(

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

I am sorry that happened to you deserama.:hugs:

A woman should be able to walk into a room full of drunk men naked and no one has any right to ever touch her.

I want to add the following:


Stop policing women’s sexual choices. No. No exceptions, no ifs, buts or maybes. Just stop it.

No. My decision to have sex does not constitute ‘risky behaviour’. Dancing on train tracks constitutes risky behaviour.

Rape is not caused by my decision to have sex. It is caused by the decision of a rapist to rape me.

Rape is not caused by my skirt, my t-shirt, my halter-top, my lycra jumpsuit, my boots, my grandfather’s hand-me-down cardigan, or my goddamn see-through bra with the plastic goldfish inside. It is caused by the decision of a rapist to rape me.

Rape is not caused by my presence at a party, on a street, at a nightclub, in my car, in my home, in a park, or in a hotel room full of football players. It is caused by the decision of a rapist, or multiple rapists, to rape me.

Rape is not caused by any of my previous decisions to have sex. It is caused by the decision of a rapist to rape me.

Rape is not caused by my decision to have sex with more than one person at a time. It is caused by the decision of a rapist to rape me.

Future acts of rape are not caused by my choice to report or not report my rape. They are caused by the decision of a rapist to continue raping.

Stop trying to draw a causal link between what a woman can control, and the decision of a rapist to rape. There isn’t one. There has never been one. There will never be one.

Rape happens because rapists decide it will happen. Policing women’s sexual choices is CENSORED, and a misdirection of your energy. Stop doing it.

http://iamnotacake.wordpress.com/2009/0 ... comment-51 (http://iamnotacake.wordpress.com/2009/05/14/stop-it-just-stop-it/#comment-51)

[IndigoJ]

:hugs: I am sorry you had to go through this.

100% his fault. :yes:

[Deserama]

The sexual assult one..but it's ok really. I just wanted to clarify things for peppah - this is certainly not an attack on her.

Nomsie - What's with that? How stupid can guys be? Honestly!

It almost happened again a few weeks later to...in my own home but this time I had my witts about me, stood up, opened the front door and told him to leave now and I'll forget the whole thing.

He left...

But not before him saying..."It's your fault you were talking about sex" Whatever mate...you're an idiot!

pppfffftttt

[Chunkydunks]

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Mischief]

Des and Nomsie - I am so proud of you for your bravery! *hugs*

[crazymuma]

Well I have watched the threads lately and heard certain people points of view and can honestly say for once I was lost for words at how naive some people can be - at how certain people is so insistent on making comments that will negatively affect many on this site who have suffered sexual abuse.

Deserama - don't ever feel that you have to justify your actions that night. There is nothing in this world you could have done to make a man hurt you in any way - that only says something about him - not a damm thing about you.

To peppah - I honestly just hope that you never have to suffer at the hands of a man - I hope that one day you won't have to eat your words on here. I hope that you won't ever trust anyone and risk being abused yourself. I don't personally have any issues with you but I have watched you get upset on here this week about name calling - I just wonder if you are in any way thinking of the pain you could be causing people on this site with your words - you may as well just tell 90% of the women on this site that they were asking for it - just say the words out right and get it over with.

[Nomsie]

The sexual assult one..but it's ok really. I just wanted to clarify things for peppah - this is certainly not an attack on her.

Nomsie - What's with that? How stupid can guys be? Honestly!

It almost happened again a few weeks later to...in my own home but this time I had my witts about me, stood up, opened the front door and told him to leave now and I'll forget the whole thing.

He left...

But not before him saying..."It's your fault you were talking about sex" Whatever mate...you're an idiot!

pppfffftttt
Good on you for not putting up with that bullsh!t. It sure taught me a lesson or two.

I don't know what it is with some "men" (And I use the term loosely.) They think they are owed something just for talking to women? :no:

At least we can take comfort in the fact that there are decent males out there. At least when I met DP he was man enough to respect my wishes of no sex until I said it was ok. (Didn't mean that he liked that rule though lol. But he did respect it!)

[carebears]

The sexual assult one..but it's ok really. I just wanted to clarify things for peppah - this is certainly not an attack on her.

Nomsie - What's with that? How stupid can guys be? Honestly!

It almost happened again a few weeks later to...in my own home but this time I had my witts about me, stood up, opened the front door and told him to leave now and I'll forget the whole thing.

He left...

But not before him saying..."It's your fault you were talking about sex" Whatever mate...you're an idiot!

pppfffftttt


oh sorry to hear that i just wasnt sure what it was in refference too :-(

[BigRedV]

Deserama, YOU are not to blame at all :no:

It saddens me that people think like this.

I hope you are ok now :hugs:

[Deserama]

Nice one SSP!

Now if only judges would get that eh?

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

I wish. :(

It makes me sad that my DD lives in a world where women are often blamed for the actions of sick fookers.

[sunnymummy]

Moderators - this post is a continuation of a closed post and its getting nasty again.
Please close it down.:)

[Chunkydunks]

How is it getting nasty?

[Mischief]

Moderators - this post is a continuation of a closed post and its getting nasty again.
Please close it down.:)
I dont think its getting nasty, but Im not actually a moderator any more. Just waiting for my name to go blue again.

As for what you say SSP... I feel the same for my sons. How sad is it that we live in a world where women get blamed for sexual assault, and men are declared animals who obviously have no self control. :(

I feel so sad for both sexes. :crying: My boys WILL be raised to respect a womans right to say no.

TMI maybe, but my husband has self control. I can call a stop to anything, any time. There is never any question.... That is a real man.

[Nomsie]

Moderators - this post is a continuation of a closed post and its getting nasty again.
Please close it down.:)
I may have missed it, but where is it getting nasty? I think most people posting in this thread are expressing their disgust re men who do what the want with women and think it's ok. :confused:

[Deserama]

Deserama, YOU are not to blame at all :no:

It saddens me that people think like this.

I hope you are ok now :hugs:

Oh God yeh! I'm fine now. I guess it's why I'm not really offended because I've come to a point in my mind that I've come to terms with my rape now.

[Areca]

I don't think it's getting nasty either.
A very important thread I think actually. i'll be disappointed if it gets closed down at this point.

just reading from the side because I don't think I have anything constructive to add.

[kezzaskids]

I too have been in a similar situation and for years blamed myself. It wasnt my fault. Simple.

Hugs to all xxxx

[Deserama]

Moderators - this post is a continuation of a closed post and its getting nasty again.
Please close it down.:)

No no no it's ok!

It's important!

We need to do this. I really feel that maybe if we discuss it in a calm manner we may get people rethinking their stance. They may not change their mind today or tomorrow even, but maybe if we plant and water as many seeds as we can,,,,they can grow over time? Yeh?

[MummaBear03]

:hugs: I think you are brave to discuss this openly on a public forum. I think it will serve to educate some people. While I would not have made the choice to drink and do drugs a guy making passes at me, I also don't believe that making those decisions means that it automaticall will turn out the way it did, there's never an excuse for it. Not ever. Thank you for sharing.