what can I do to stop this

[Hunbub]

My DH is a spender, he spends money like we are millionaires and we are definitley not. He says it makes him happy, but I pay all the bills and say to him, you won't be happy when I tell you we are bankrupt. The real problem is that he buys toys online for our DS1 nearly every day. They may only be a toy car for a few $'s however, my concern is that DS1 will not really be excited when his Birthday & Xmas come around, because he is so used to getting spoilt every single day! He says he likes making DS1 happy.
Does anyone have any advice on what I can do or what the long term issues will be with DS1 getting spoilt like this? Atm I am not paying off my credit card because he uses any available credit on it to purchase things :hair:

[Me]

I have a wriggling baby here trying to eat my desk, so will keep it short. It sounds like a symptom of something bigger, depression springs to mind, perhaps you need to help him delve a bit deeper into WHY he is spending(other than because it makes him happy)?

Best of luck, it's not easy.

[Boobycino]

My DP came from a wealthy family, he's the eldest son in quite a 'traditional' - shall we say - house hold. So to put in gently, DP was spoilt rotten.

And carried that into adulthood.

We had to go bankrupt and lose all our financial security, lose all his wealth, assets, investments, property etc etc before he took money seriously.

The GFC came at the right time for us so we can use that as an excuse to save the embarressment of DPs spending and gambling habits sinking us.

On the other hand though he's a better person for it and we're a stronger couple and a more real family for it. So theres a light side of the whole situation... but.... I honestly have no idea what I could have said or done differently to make him change, he had to do it on his own.

[BabelFish]

If it's a compulsive type of thing then it needs to be looked into further. It can be a sign of depression or mania, and compulsive shopping is a BIG warning sign of bipolar disorder (I should know - I have it and I've been bankrupt twice and been in debt for as long as I can remember as a result).

It doesn't have to be something that serious, but if you think he can't manage it, or it's getting out of control, there needs to be some serious discussion because it will get much, MUCH worse...

[aquarius]

hello hunbub

are you able to put some emergency money aside into a secret account where he can't find it? just in case the worst happens and even tho you are trying to help him, he might have to hit rock bottom before he can improve, like in chel87's situation?

also whenever your DH gives your DS a new toy, can you take away one of DS's old toys when neither of them is looking? you could put the toys away in a box in the garage or something and then even tho DS is still getting a new toy every day for the time being, at least his overall amount of toys is staying roughly the same, and one day in the future you can bring out all the old toys and they'll be like new ones to him coz he won't remember them?!

[Hunbub]

Thank you so much for the responses, I do have another account where I put money aside but he knows about it. So when our every day account is low he just expects me to transfer more like it's an endless pit of $ which it is NOT!!
I think the depression side of spending with him is true. We have moved to Perth (which he hates) I feel the only thing keeping him here is the kids sadly. Spoiling them makes him happier and able to cope.
As for Bipolar disorder, I really don't know much about it so might google symptoms etc. Thanks Chesby05
At the end of the day, something will have to give. The spending, or he will have to leave :-(

[SuperGranny]

Hello, I have heard of some medication ,for depression?? or something like that, that triggers a compulsive side to some peoples personality. It can turn them into compulsive gamblers, or compulsive spending, or even into sex addicts. Im sorry I dont know the name of the medication, but there was a few stories about it months ago on tv. If there is some compulsion, as it seems to be, you need to get professional help to stop him, or he has to hit rock bottom to see he has a problem. Keep the money in the separate account for as long as you can, or even open another secret account. Marie.

[moozle]

I can totally sympathise with you. We had to make a budget and both agree to stick to it. That was the turning point for us with finances. We're much better for it and there is so much less stress in our lives now :) And DH was the problem for us too!