Do we make dads feel special enough???????

[les]

Hi I am a mother of a almost 2 year old and a 5 year old. Who suffered with pre natal depression with my second child .But little did I know he was going threw the same thing , yes he was suffering with depression as well and as a mum I think I was to busy to notice.
So here poses my Question do you think we do enough to make our men feel just as special at this time as we do?. I am interested In your opinion mums and dads alike .

[LoveULilly]

I cant say anything for anyone else but I have made my Dp talk to me about his feelings thro our pregnancy ( 7.5mnths atm) and to ensure that he doesnt feel left out we have decided that although our baby will only have BM i am going to express in the morning and he is going to feed her EBM just before she goes to bed.. he is also going to bath her after he gets home from work.

This way his role as a father will be more hands on than most and he wont feel unneeded

[pcr]

in the first 2 weeks i kept it all together as my wife was having a hard time, week 3 i was a bit emotional, having to return to work, week 4 was good, and week 5 my wife has really figured it out and i was feeling a bit left out. to add to that we have an excited family and i found whenever i was holding our 4-5wekk old son and he started crying, i had 2 mums 2 sis-inlaws and my sister all coming to me saying things like, do you want me to take over, do you want me to have him, do you need a break, oh give him here ill take him, and, he hadnt even taken 3 breaths. my reply was always no im fine, but i could tell their noses were put out. i spoke to my mum and explained how i felt and she said my dad felt the same when i was 6 weeks old. after looking for 7 days on information on how dads feel all i could come up with topics such as 'how mums feel' 'how dads can help mums' 'dad kills baby' and 'how divorced dads should feel' , not once did they mention that the support person may need a support person themselves, i thank god for my beautifull wife and mum with their open ears and hearts. so all im trying to say is yes mostly it is all about the new mum however their is another person involved and it isnt the baby. if their are any people who fell the same way someone said this to me and it is really true. allthough you may feel that you can do this on your own dont be afraid to talk or listen to your mother, because it is a whole new chapter of mothering for her, she has techniques she used on you or suggestions etc. just like animals in the wild, they are in packs being taught from their elders. trust me dont push your mothers away even if you dont agree with what they are saying, thanks for listening...

[PeppaH]

in the first 2 weeks i kept it all together as my wife was having a hard time, week 3 i was a bit emotional, having to return to work, week 4 was good, and week 5 my wife has really figured it out and i was feeling a bit left out. to add to that we have an excited family and i found whenever i was holding our 4-5wekk old son and he started crying, i had 2 mums 2 sis-inlaws and my sister all coming to me saying things like, do you want me to take over, do you want me to have him, do you need a break, oh give him here ill take him, and, he hadnt even taken 3 breaths. my reply was always no im fine, but i could tell their noses were put out. i spoke to my mum and explained how i felt and she said my dad felt the same when i was 6 weeks old. after looking for 7 days on information on how dads feel all i could come up with topics such as 'how mums feel' 'how dads can help mums' 'dad kills baby' and 'how divorced dads should feel' , not once did they mention that the support person may need a support person themselves, i thank god for my beautifull wife and mum with their open ears and hearts. so all im trying to say is yes mostly it is all about the new mum however their is another person involved and it isnt the baby. if their are any people who fell the same way someone said this to me and it is really true. allthough you may feel that you can do this on your own dont be afraid to talk or listen to your mother, because it is a whole new chapter of mothering for her, she has techniques she used on you or suggestions etc. just like animals in the wild, they are in packs being taught from their elders. trust me dont push your mothers away even if you dont agree with what they are saying, thanks for listening...

You know thats weird because all throughout my pregnancy my partner always got support from all the profesionals. They asked how he is coping, how he is planning on bonding after birth, ideas on what he can do to feel involved etc. I never found that dads get left out at all :no: Not even this time around.
Sucks that some men feel left out and Im sure its different for each couple/persons.
Another difference to your situation though, we made sure the mothers butted out. They tried to interefe WAY to much when we first had him (or shoudl I say moved back into the state). Its different now though and we are accpeting help...Just to begin with they made us feel useless because we were new parents so we told them to back off.

[Just Add Water]

Oh I am such a big advocate of men's health issues not being dealt with... my DH already had 3 children prior to me meeting him (they live with us full time) but I still love the fact that he is such a hands on dad to our youngest, and all four of the kids actually.

I do my best to make sure that dad's around us know that they are welcome to talk about anything, I make a point of asking them how they are and if they're coping.

I truly do believe that men are overlooked in pregnancy and in the first stages of bringing home a new baby.... there really needs to be much more support.

To PCR - there is a dads chat section here on BubHub where you will find some amazing support and great dads to chat with *hugs*

[les]

I think that parents who have been there done that llike to offer as much support and help as they can .Especially to new parents and yes I know sometimes they can be over bearing but its only because they know what lies ahead for new parents.But I do agree somtimes they should step back and let us fall on our faces. Somtimes we have to learn things for ourselves.Because all children are differant your baby won't be exactly like you were when you were first born . So off course things are gonna be quiet differant. Also whilst your bundle of joy is still growing inside you when they are Born your lives have to change around them and it dosn't matter how you imagined things would be after they are born it dosn't quiet work that way unfortunatly I wish it did though how easy would that make it.:)

[les]

I totally agree and with men somtimes its hard to tell if there is somthing wrong because some men arn't so forth coming with there problems as women are .And this can make life very hard where both adults are conserned . :flowerz::iagree:

[les]

:iagree:and thank you for your feed back

[BabelFish]

Often, I don't think we do. There is a LOT of reverse sexism in our society and many a time it's considered acceptable to have blanket negative assumptions about men, simply because women have had it hard for such a long time (and still do, in many ways).

It does my DP's head in. And mine, too. I think men are treated very unfairly much of the time - especially when it comes to matters of parenting.

You see those attitudes here nearly every day.

[Boobycino]

I dont know.

I think I really tried to involve DP in the early days and he was just completely uninterested. He could go days without holding his son. I would offer him a clean, fed, changed, warm, happy baby and he would say "oh, no thanks, I'm busy"

I'd offer him a wrapped sleeping baby to hold and he's do it again.

I was honestly shocked when our son had serious health issue and DP was emotional and asked to hold bub for a bit. We took turns holding him for 15 minutes each and then swap.

Aside from that one night - because when we got home from hospital he was the same - bub was maybe 6 months old because his dad showed my interest in him.

So yeah, I called bub "my" baby not "our" baby for a while. I stopped offering them time together. I'd occasionally dump a crying baby on him and tell him i was having a shower or going to bed or something, but I didn't share special moments with him anymore, because if bub was happy, that was MY reward for putting in all the leg work.

Had I not been so completely involved with the baby I'd probably have noticed the state of our relationship and left.

Thankfully I was so involved with the baby that I didn't notice and DP has stepped up and is a wonderful dad and I tell him so all the time, because when I see him holding his son, feeding his son a bottle, playing silly games, etc it makes me so happy I get teary.

Maybe DP was depressed? I had PND, so I didn't have the capacity to notice. We really did become two independent people for a while. I took care of the baby, he paid the rent, and we ate dinner together at night and slept in the same bed.

On reflection it does sound really weird that DP would be that distant - he probably was going through something I didn't understand, but I was dealing with my own constant and unending fear that our son would die, so I couldn't see outside of my baby (yep, my baby) because I was unwell myself. And I dealt with that with no help from DP - after calling him crying because our baby had stopped breathing and he told me he was busy at work I shut down (bub was fine, I was the one with the issue) because why reach out to someone who's not there.

Sad now :(

[les]

I know its hard to tell whats going on in there heads if they are not going to open up and talk to you its a comunication breakdown in hang in there G/F and Big hugggssssssssssssss:hugs:

[les]

:flowerz:srry chel97 ,Hang in there hun.Its hard when there is a comunication breakdown in a relationship you did the best you new how to, and do you now what your doing great job your little boy is a cutie you are a good mum.:hugs:

[nugglyboysmum]

I tried to involve DS Dad but he preferred to drink with his mates, so his loss. Now we are seperated he is a much better dad when he has DS thank goodness, but he still leaves ALOT to be desired.

[Boobycino]

:flowerz:srry chel97 ,Hang in there hun.Its hard when there is a comunication breakdown in a relationship you did the best you new how to, and do you now what your doing great job your little boy is a cutie you are a good mum.:hugs:

Thank you, really, thank you.

I do still feel a bit sad for DP, because I do think he missed out on so much. I do think he knows he missed out too, because from when he became involved with bubba about 4 months ago, he's wanted another baby, so maybe he wants to regain with our next bub what he missed out on with Jasper.

And he is a great daddy. I dont think its anything against him as a person. I do wish I wasn't going through my own stuff and I could have involved him and even asked him what was wrong. Its still sad how it happen, but I think we're alright now. And even though I'm sad about it, I cant see how I could have done differently. But after 9 months old PND group therapy (which I'm ready to 'graduate' from in a couple of weeks feeling very healthy and even better for the experience, which was unexpected) I think I'd be more able to recognise something in DP even if I had PND again with bubba no 2. So I know we can do better in the future.

[zenifa]

I think things are improving but still have a long way to go.
Its well established that both mums and dads to be can suffer from pre-natal and post-natal depression, as well as the usual fears and anxieties that occur when major life changes occur.
A lot of focus is on the physical aspects of pregnancy and often the psychological and emotional part is neglected, for both men and women.
Also the adjustment in relationships once a child is born, is often not really thought about or spoken about and it has a huge impact on the whole family.

Yes more needs to be done to attend to the dad's needs and to support them but also keeping the mum in the focus too!!

[moozle]

I felt like it was totally one sided when I had DS. I think everyone was so worried about me and my feelings that poor DH had no one to look after him. Thankfully we have a really great relationship so we could talk about things and handle them together but he had a shocker of a week when I was still in the hospital. He nearly lost both of us during the birth and everyone was more worried about me than him. Poor thing :(

[MermaidSister]

There are lots of sides to this issue. I have seen men overlooked, for sure, at these times but usually by people from times or cultures where it is simply traditional for women to do all the housework and childrearing and men to work outside the home, or "take care of the bills." There are still a lot of people who think this is the normal model of a family. On the other hand, my partner has countless times been told by complete strangers in public what an excellent father he is because he is feeding/changing/supervising his own child. Things which mothers have been doing on a daily basis for centuries without the slightest acknowledgement. Perhaps this explains why the incidence of postnatal depression in mothers is so high, along with hormonal factors which don't apply to men.

The stress of having a new baby can equally affect both partners, i think, and while women might get more attention and support i think we also cop a lot more criticism. The only comment a stranger has ever made to me in public about my parenting skills has been "Your baby's crying!" (i mean, really?) whereas people generally find it either endearing to see a dad doing the hands-on stuff, or, as i guess in the case of these mothers-in-law, they automatically attempt to take over because they believe they can do a better job, inevitably leading to a feeling of inadequacy in the father. But women are just expected to deal with it- to know what to do, when really we don't have any more of a clue than men do when presented with a new baby. No parent does.

I think times are just changing and society is coming to terms with treating men and women as equals, seeing things like a working mother and a stay at home dad as the norm rather than the exception. So much of who we are & our abilities is judged by others on the basis of our gender. Let's hope that by the time our sons grow up they won't even have to think about these things.

[MermaidSister]

On the topic of interfering mothers, i realise it may be annoying but thank your lucky stars u have them for when you really do need advice. Neither myself or my son's dad have a living mother, he doesn't have a dad and my father is "distant", you could say and doesn't show much interest in his grandkid's life (or mine for that matter) out of a fear, he once expressed, of being too overbearing like his own in-laws were. It breaks my heart every time i go to the playground and see other mums with their kids and a doting grandparent only too keen to offer advice and assistance. While parents can be a pain when they stick their noses into your business, at least, in most cases, they care and they are there. Helpful relatives, even over-helpful ones, must be an invaluable resource to those for whom their relationship with them is generally functional. Bear in mind how lucky you are if you have someone willing to take the baby for a while when you're losing the plot, and give well-intentioned advice when you really are out of your depth. It is a support some of us would kill to have.

[BabelFish]

As a rule, no, I don't believe we do.

[Countrydeb]

i must admit to not acknowledging my dh's feeling enough..I am actually always surprised to see a man become emotional over his family as i often doubt they have the emotional capacity...i am pretty sure it stems from having my father walk out of our lives and having very little to do with men growing up.....My dh cries quite easy and when our last bub was born and taken to to the nicu he was a mess...I easily forget that they worry and get scared too possibly because the feeling is usually buried under some other emotion........I think they must feel left out from time to time particularly during pregnancy and when bub is a newborn but lets face it ,it's the one time when we females get some well deserved attention and consideration.......