Footballer jokes thread

[Bessie]

Hiya
With all the footie emails going around at the mo, I thought it would be good to share some.

Who said Footballers weren't intelligent!?!


''My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7."
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester."
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry


BTW I need a laugh, maybe I can laugh this bubs out!

[Bessie]

Sven Goran-Eriksson is on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and has
> reached the £1 million question. Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sven, this
> is for one million pounds and, remember, you still have two lifelines
> left, so please take your time. Here's your question: What type of
> animal lives in a sett? Is it...
>
> A) a badger
> B) a ferret
> C) a mole
> or
> D) a cuckoo?"
>
> Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not sure.
> I will have to go 50-50."
>
> "Right, Sven," says Tarrant, "Let's take away two wrong answers and
> see
what
> you're left with."
>
> 'Badger' and 'Cuckoo' are the two remaining answers. Sven has a long
think,
> then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm
going
> to have to phone a friend."
>
> "OK, Sven. Who are you going to phone?" asks Chris.
>
> "Hmmm, I think I'll call David. David Beckham."
>
>
>
> So, Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David? This is Chris Tarrant from
> 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' here. I've got Sven-Goran Eriksson
> here, and
with
> your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear
> will be Sven's."
>
> "Hello David," says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal
> lives
in
> a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
>
> "It's a badger, boss." says Beckham, without hesitation.
>
> "You sure, son?" says Sven.
>
> "Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."
>
> "Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David's answer. It's A) a
badger."
>
> "Final answer, Sven?"
>
> "Final answer, Chris."
>
> "It's the correct answer! You've won ONE MILLION POUNDS!"
>
> Cue wild celebrations.
>
> Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across: "Son, that was
> brilliant last night! I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you
> a call, but you played a blinder! How the heck did you know that a
> badger lives in a sett?"
>
> "Oh I didn't, boss..." replies Beckham,
>
> "... But everyone knows a cuckoo lives in a clock."

[CarolineF]

David Beckham goes into a hairdressers for a restyling. As he walks in he has a pair of headphones on.

The stylist says to him:

"Mr Beckham, you are going to have to take the headphones off for us to be able to wash and style your hair."

DB responds in a panic:
"But I can't do that, what I am listening to is a matter of life and death! I won't take them off"

Stylist: "But Mr Beckham, you don't understand, I can't do your hair if you keep them on! Please let me help you take them off"

DB getting increasingly agitated: " No , leave me alone, I must keep listening"

Stylist - struggling to get the headphones off:" Mr Beckham, training lectures can surely wait until after you have had your hair done!?"

DB, by this time almost hyperventilating loses his grip on his headphones and his stylist manages to get them off his head.

The stylist puts the headphones to his ear and what does he hear?

"Breathe in, breath out. Breathe in, breathe out....."