Young yet to be a mum Worrying about how her mum will react

[Orris Apjoko]

Hi im 17, im in yr 12 (and only have 4 weeks left until i have completed yr 12) i've been with my partner for 15 months, we've lived together the whole time, we now own our home and are engaged and have decided we want a baby before we get married for many reasons... My biggest issue is how my mum will react to us begining to start our family with how young i am (i dont feel young, i feel quite mature emotionally, physically and psychologically). I would like to hear from other young mums (and yet to be young mums) in how they handled the issue that i am going to be experiencing. I hope to hear from you :) i cant wait to see :bfp:

[Just Add Water]

:wave: and welcome to BubHub :)

I'm not in the category you're asking advice from but saw your post and wanted to say hi and good luck with your journey!!!

It definitely sounds like you and your partner have things planned out well and are in a good position.

As for your mum... well, I'm not sure. Some mums react the same no matter what you're age ;)

[bumMum]

just be honest. you don't live with your parents and you have your own home so you must be fairly independent from your folks. Your mum will probably object, like most mums would, so it probably won't be the easiest conversation! Are you planning on studying at uni or Tafe? you will probably need at least some support from her BELIEVE ME :yes:.. so keep her on side! also look into support groups/mothers groups for young parents they are really helpful.. well the good ones are.. and your mum will see you have a support network. make sure she understands that you don't plan to give up any of your own dreams, but that having a baby IS one of those dreams.
personally I was in a totally different place to you as a young mum as my pregnancy was unplanned so I can't really understand either LOL but I do think young mums are pretty awesome!
good luck

[*Need~More~Coffee~Please*]

hi:wave:
i fell pregnant at 21...it was planned...i still had a hard time telling my mum coz i didnt know how she would react ....she took it soo well and was not at all dissapointed/upset ect (any of the thing i thought she might of been )
.....so i maybe u could be surprised by her reaction !!!:D

good luck with the rest of ur HSC.....(.its a long 4 weeks hehehe):hair:

[jaq]

I will be honest with you ... I would be devestated if one of my daughters decided she wanted to get pregnant at 17. (or 18, 20, 21 ...) Not because I think she would be a bad parent, or a bad person, but because I love them so much and want them to have a full range of opportunities available to them before knuckling down to parenthood.

I know I, at 34, was unprepared for how emotionally and physically constraining motherhood is ... being at the beck and call of another individual, 24 hours a day, is exhausting, but even more difficult, you can start to feel as if YOU don't exist as a person, simply as a support system for your child. I think that sense of being irrevocably tied down is hard for anyone to deal with, and would be harder for a teenager.

That said, you are nearly an adult, and as such have the right to pursue your own dreams, and if a baby is one of those dreams, so be it.

If I was your mother, I would need to know why you want this, what need it fulfils in you. Talk with her about it ... talk about children, talk about babies, talk about what you want for your life, your life as a couple, and your life as a family.

Don't spring a pregnancy on her unprepared, as that will be much harder for her to adjust to. Being a grandmother is a wonderful thing, but I'm sure there are a lot of emotional adjustments a woman has to make, just as you will have to do when you become a mother.

Much better that if you do decide on this path, you have your own mother's love and support, because that will make your journey much easier. Be an adult and include her in your decision, not because you want her approval, but because you want your mother - and your child's grandmother - in your life.

All the very best of luck.

[bgbgbb]

I'm not a young mum, and I'll be honest and say that I'm glad that I waited til my 30's to have babies as I was able to be young, carefree and irresponsible for a nice long time. A baby does take all that away from you.

BUT, some women are more ready for commitment and responsibility at an earlier age than others. On the positive side you are deeply in love, have a house and you are about to finish Year 12. That's pretty impressive for someone your age.

I think the best way to handle it with your mum is work out beforehand what she is going to say and have your answers ready. I would say her biggest fear is that you're going to throw away your opportunity to continue with study or develop a career. Not wanting to put a negative light on your future, but if things dont work out and you end up a single mum, it would be much better if you had a career to derive an income. If this doesn't happen to you (hope it doesn't) then having a career would be great to help pass the time once the kids are in school, or to earn that little bit of extra money when they're young. You still have 40 years of working life left in you and the kids would be out of home in half that time. What will you do for the rest of it? There are so many opportunities to continue study with a baby, whether it be uni or other courses. I have known many friends who had babies early but still went on with their studies and they have not regretted it one bit. Their kids are now leaving home and those who did study or develop a career are very glad to have it to fall back on.

Best of luck!

[London]

I got pregnant at 19 and as much as I adore my son, I do wish I could have lived a 'normal' crazy young adult life. My brother is 4years older than me and he is still going out every weekend and taking trips around the world etc. Im jealous of the life he lives and do get a bit upset that I didnt have that chance.

Dont be too worried about your mum. At the end of the day, once your pregnant there is nothing she can do about it so she may as well be hapy for you. I was terrified to tell my dad (Daddy's girl right here) and once I finally told him he was the one who took the news the best. Your mum might suprise you with her reaction.

[missie_mack]

I think you would need to explain what your reasons for wanting a baby before marriage considering marriage is obviously something you are planning in the future.

If it were me with my child I would be devestated. I have seen how much people grow after leaving the school environment and find themselves and how they fit into the world without school. I would have hoped they would have a job first and a little bit of life experience under their belts first to be able to use these experiences in their parenting.

[SassyMummy]

I fell pregnant at 18, had my daughter at 19. I'm now 23.

While I love my daughter to bits, I really notice just what I've missed out on. It didn't seem like a big deal at first... but 4+ years in, it's really obvious to me now.

There's so much SACRIFICE in being a mother, but IMO, being a young mother comes with even more sacrifice. There will never be a time in my life where I am JUST an adult - I'll always be a mother.

I went straight from "child" to "mother" and had only about 6 months in between.

I thought I had experienced enough of the world, thought I would miss out on nothing... but now, I can see that I missed out on a lot.

Sure, you can still do stuff WITH a baby... but it's a hell of a lot harder.

I really do believe that you should wait... at least get to be an adult in your own right for a while... rather than going straight from child to mother. I never got to be JUST ME... and I really grieve for that.

Anyway, as for telling your mother... I was scared of my mothers' reaction when I told her I was pregnant. She was very nonchalant and didn't react positively or negatively...

She was there for me every day of my pregnancy though, and was an absolute gem. She was fantastic, and I love her to bits.

[ringneck]

Your mum probably wouldn't take it well at first but if you are mature and in a serious relationship she will come around. I say finish your schooling first.
I met my partner when i was 17 and he was 25 we've been together for 4 years now and started ttc when i was 19 we didn't tell anyone until we realised i had fertility issues, so i was 20 when we told our parents my mum has been very supportive besides some insensitive comments which she meant well. DP's mother was happy but would've like us to wait until we got married as she is christain.
How old is your partner? if he is only 17 too then i would advise against it as most not all but most 17 year old boys are not mature enough mentally or emotionally to be fathers.

[StarTara]

Hi,
I am 23 and we are planning to have a baby, but guess what at 23 I am worried about how my father would react. I have a step mother who will be really supportive but I think my Dad will be slightly disappointed that I didn't pursue a career, as thats what he has always wanted for me, to succeed. And because of my dad's feelings, I am wondering if I should have a child yet??? But as my hubby says, its not up to anyone but us, and if you are ready to give a child the best life then do it, cos you may regret it!

[Emsmum85]

I too believe you may be jumping the gun just a little bit. For the past 12 years you have been in school, children do take up a lot of time. I had my daughter just after my 23rd birthday, as much as I adore her and am thankful that I have her I still see other people able to go on spur of the moment trips, or even just out to the movies and think damn that would have been nice. I really believe that you should put it off even if it's just for 6 months or maybe just a year (it's really not that much when you think about it) and just enjoy being young and obviously in love. You've only been with your partner for 15months, as much as you love him now, you really don't know if that is going to change. You say you're mature and stuff like that and you may well be, I know nothing of you, but someone who needs to say they're mature.........do you understand what I mean? 17 is a very young age, it is a time that you can allow a little recklessness, like pink hair or a weekend away just listening to music and dancing.

Being a mother of a daughter myself, I would feel a little let down for her to have a baby so young. It wouldn't matter if she was as mature as a 30 year old, she'd still only be 17 and my little girl in my eyes.

I'm wondering though, you have a fear of telling your mother, you say you're mature and everything, so if she sees that maturity all the time, why do you think she'd have a negative reaction?

[SuperGranny]

hi, I'm sorry for asking a personal question, and dont answer if you dont want to, but how can two young people not even out of high school OWN a house??? If you are so independant, in a relationship for 15 months, and in your own house, there seems to be nothing I can say to influence you one way or the other, and I guess your mum would feel this way too. I dont mean to sound rude, im just amazed at your abilities, you and your partner have more together then I did at 25. If you feel the time is right for you, and your partner agrees, go right ahead with the family plans. I wish you all the very best, but do be prepared for a few negative comments from your relations and also from total strangers. Marie.

[Kimnus]

Hi i am 22 and my DH (also 22) and i are TTC.

We got married at the age 21 and we had known each other since we were 18. 4 months into our relationship we had a pregnancy scare, although i wanted to be a mother it scared us both as i guess we thought that we were still just kids. I know i was a lot like you physically, emotionally and mentally ready to be a mother. And my parents were awesome through all of it and so were his.

I think one big step you have to over come first is marrage that is what we did then we TTC. And last year we had to over come a M/C which i thought would never happen to me. And i would not wish it upon anyone.

I hope that you make the right decision for you and your DP and i will keep my fingers crossed for you when you TTC.

[bumMum]

I'm pretty sure the question was how do i tell my parents, not 'should I have a baby?'


but I'm surprised so many young mums are sounding so regretful... that makes me sad :(
you will still have your time to be carefree.. but you will be in your 30's or 40's.. and I still occasionally manage to be 'young'.. last weekend for my dp's 21st birthday we went away for the weekend on our own to a really nice hotel.. we drank and ordered room service and relaxed and lived in the spa.

I don't think being an idiot in your 20's is going to make you a better parent in your 30's. i was an idiot from the age of 12 and did all the wrong things. it is more like something i want to leave behind and forget than something I wish I could still be doing. and all the life experiences in the world can't prepare anyone for the new life you find as a mum- i don't care what anyone says on this. I have nannied for a lot of older mums. they all seemed totally bewildered and didn't really seem to have a better hold on the whole thing than anyone younger with kids.

some people grow up earlier. that's life. not everyone is a child at seventeen. the op has clearly moved on from childhood.

perhaps it is a nice thing to be young and wild, but that is not what every single person needs or wants.

also, I think there are some people who really are called to motherhood. I know people like that. I dunno if i'm one of them. but I think there really are women who are born to be mothers.

having said that, I still think planning a pregnancy is such a big thing and you should definitely prepare your mum and help ease her mind. she raised you, and to her, you are still a baby. I can still remember how much my mum cried.. but she hugged me and told me she would be there for me, and she always was. every mum should have support so I wouldnt recommend telling her just before you give birth and scaring the life out of her

[missymoo9]

hi im 18, i had my son at 17 i had just finished high school. my partner and i have been together for 3 years. i have further plans for my education. my son was planned we both very much wanted a little bubby. i was so nervous to tell my mum about my pregnancy and how she would be, but it was great to have her support and advice once she had gotten over the shock lol. to be honest everyone tells you how hard being a mum is and the late nights, loss of sleep, i havent found it hard, im sure many others feel the same way. its just sooo amazing.but everyones different every bubs different so...i think if you feel ready good for you there is no wrong/right age for people to have kids. hope everything goes well.

[Orris Apjoko]

After reading all those posts im delighted to hear from some women that they had children young and would not change it for the world.... i thought i better clear up a few things. I hate the thought of having pink hair. There was no way i was going to wait until i was pregnant or in labour to tell my mum, that to me is deceitful and would be something a rebellious child would do. No i was worried about telling her because (like some of you said) i want and will need her support in my pregnancy! My partner is 19 and has a full-time job. I've now told my mum and explained my reasons, one of which is it fits in with what im doing next year, i am going to be doing cert 3 disability work at tafe, the yr after i will be doing cert 4 (which i can do over 2 yrs if i want), and the yr after that i will be doing the dipolma of disability work. Then i only have 2 years of education at uni, giving me way more qualifications in the disabilty field then i would get from 4 yrs straight at uni, also not denting my finances as much. To be honest i wasnt able to explain all my reasons to her. We have thought about it alot and are still deciding when to start. I actually hate the "clubbing scene" as i have been out (yes, underage). I am more family orientated and would rather a bbq at home with a few drinks and my family around. Another one of my reasons is my mum is almost 50 and she is already having back, knee and ankle problems and is finding it hard enough to interact with her grand children if i was to wait for me to finish tafe and uni which is 5-6 years, she will be 55 or 56, our first child will have an age gap or 6 years atleast with its youngest cousin (and 12 with its oldest) so it will not beable to be close with its cousins, (i am and i love having cousins i can talk with, 1 of my cousins i would class as my bestfriend) so i would hate for my child to not beable to have that close relationship with family and not to have the same important family values as i do (which i got from my mum). Moving on from my reasons(i seem to beable to go on for days :ecomcity: ) we have decided to wait about a month till our finances increase. I saw how my mum was with my older sister and how helpful she was with her 1st (and worst) pregnancy, my sister had gallstones and she could not do anything with my niece until she was 2 months old, i was 11 and that was when i got my real experience with babies, my sister expressed and breastfed my niece and her partner, my other brothers and sisters and i looked after my niece and helped whenever possible, when my sister was able to come home from hospital i stayed with her so when she was having a bad or sore day i could help with bubs or with cleaning or whatever she needed. In may this year i was actually in the birth suite with a friend who was in labour i was there for all but the last 2 hrs (which i wanted to be there for but i couldnt because i had to work because i could not find a replacement for my shift and i had called up the night before and said i couldnt work because she was in labour and i was her birth partner and they wouldnt find a replacement and i would have probably lost my job, my mum was with her for the birth). As soon as i finished my shift i went straight to the hospital to see how my friend was and what she had (we didnt know what bubs would be) she had a little boy and to my friend i am her son's aunt because i was there with no sleep trying to ease her pain. Thanks for everyones best wishes! :)

[Parrmum]

Hiya,

I realise that this thread is pretty old and you've probably either had/not had your baby by now, but I just wanted to put my two cents in.


I'm 21, and had my first daughter at 19 (pregant at 18). It was a big adjustment, but I do not feel disadvantaged in anyway. I've got a great job as an assistant nurse, and am studying a bachelor of nursing course online. My partner and I got married this year. We still go out with friends on weekends, sometimes taking Adri (our friends completely adore her and are actually dissapointed if we go round for a catch up without her!) and sometimes leaving her with my or my husbands parents. If we wanted to travel, we can take her with us. I don't understand why people feel that they "cannot" do the things other young people do - unless you feel the need to go out and drink, do drugs and have one night stands, and in my view having a family trumps that ten fold.

I'm now pregnant with my second child, who was planned.


I know this doesn't answer the question, but you seemed to get alot of responses trying to steer you away from the idea, so I guess I want to say that if you know what you're getting yourself into, then congratulations, and all the best. Your mum, even if she was upset at first, will deal with the news and adore your child, I guarantee it.

Hope you read this sometime...

[bumMum]

Hiya,

I realise that this thread is pretty old and you've probably either had/not had your baby by now, but I just wanted to put my two cents in.


I'm 21, and had my first daughter at 19 (pregant at 18). It was a big adjustment, but I do not feel disadvantaged in anyway. I've got a great job as an assistant nurse, and am studying a bachelor of nursing course online. My partner and I got married this year. We still go out with friends on weekends, sometimes taking Adri (our friends completely adore her and are actually dissapointed if we go round for a catch up without her!) and sometimes leaving her with my or my husbands parents. If we wanted to travel, we can take her with us. I don't understand why people feel that they "cannot" do the things other young people do - unless you feel the need to go out and drink, do drugs and have one night stands, and in my view having a family trumps that ten fold.

I'm now pregnant with my second child, who was planned.


I know this doesn't answer the question, but you seemed to get alot of responses trying to steer you away from the idea, so I guess I want to say that if you know what you're getting yourself into, then congratulations, and all the best. Your mum, even if she was upset at first, will deal with the news and adore your child, I guarantee it.

Hope you read this sometime...

Wow! She did already have her baby not long ago