Gender Desire?

[CrankyAndTired]

When pregnant, or even before, did you hope that your baby would be a specific gender?

If so, did you have a baby of the gender you hoped for? Did you feel dissapointed?

I really hoped my first bub was a girl, and when I found at at 20 weeks it was a boy there was initial dissapointment for me.. Of course, now that I have him I wouldn't swap huim for a million girls!! :goodvibes:

But I do hope to have a daughter one day.. :bee:

Lets make this thread really loving and honest - a safe place to talk about gender desire and/or gender dissapointment without judgment. Whether rational or not, our feelings are there for a reason!

I'm interested to hear other's people's experiences.. :)

[headoverfeet]

I have 2 boys :) I suppose I 'knew' that DS2 was a boy even though I hoped for a girl, I wasn't disappointed when a scan showed otherwise. We are hoping for a girl next time :yes: but I guess we will have to wait and see. Having a UC and pregnancy will mean we will only find out when bubs arrives, I am hoping that if I have a feeling next time that it is right, I dont know how I would feel if my feeling was wrong IYKWIM.

[MsMummy]

When I found out I was pregnant, I really really really wanted a girl. I picked out a girl's name (Alice) and imagined all the lovely fun dresses I'd buy (:ecomcity::ecomcity::ecomcity:).

I found out the baby was a boy at the 18 week US, and I was pretty disappointed. I remember saying "oh well, next time..." drearily a lot. I felt really flat.

But now I love having a boy, and have actually developed an aversion to having girls in the future.:rolleyes::D

I feel pretty silly in retrospect, and even sillier that I now have the opposite gender preference.:o

[BigRedV]

When I was pg with DD, I thought she would be a boy, mainly because I am not a girly girl and I just thought she was a boy. I didn't care if it was a boy or girl. I had a girl's name picked out and we hadn't decided on a boy's name. We found out on u/s that she was a girl and we were excited.

I would like 3 kids and deep down I would love DD to have a sister and of course a son would just complete the family. I have been pregnant twice since DD was born. One was a miscarriage and another didn't work out :crying:

Really though, after this has happened, I would just be happy with a sticky pregnancy and healthy babies.

[chicken and eggs mum]

I suppose I never really desired a girl or a boy, but I always felt I would have a boy cause I am a bit of a tomboy and could just see myself with boys....

But as everyone else has said when they found out I had a little moment of disappointment (EVERYONE thought I was having a boy, I THOUGHT I was having a girl!!) then shock then OMG I CANT WAIT!!!!!

we have always wanted two children if we have a boy next time it would be great, but if its a girl, then so be it!!! I think once I was pregnant I really realised the importance of just carrying a healthy bubba!!!

[Auntyamber]

I am currently 9 1/2 weeks pregnant with our first, and have a real desire for a dughter, I think alot of it has to do with my sister having 2 boys and feeling like if I had a boy he wouldn't be as special as if it was the first grand daughter. Although I really want a girl, I will be over the moon just to have a healthy baby.

I can't really bring myself to say it is a girl or it is a boy because I don't want to feel any disappointment when we find out.

[Mathermy]

Hoped I'd get a girl, was sure I'd get a boy, ended up with a ...

girl wooot for me!:D

[misskittyfantastico]

I think gender desire and gender disappointment, are very real. I know with number one, I really hoped for a girl, and because of that, I knew I had to find out the sex at the morph scan, to get over any disappointment I would feel. I did have my girl....and what a cracker of a child she is. With number two, I truly didn't mind, didn't find out the sex and welcomed the funniest, cuddliest, little boy child into the world.

I think it's very natural to go through a grief process, for the dream child. That's my take on it anyhoo.

[Nomsie]

I had hoped that the boys were girls. I thought it was mainly because DP was so hung up on having boys, that it would be funny if we had girls... but now I realise it was a lot more.

I remember thinking about this time last year "Hopefully all the scans were wrong (was having weekly scans by this stage, so you can imagine what a stretch it would have been for allll the scans to be wrong) and at least one of them is a girl! (Again, unlikely since they were monochorionic :laughing:)"

My heart is still set on having a little girl, but I really don't know if I want another baby. And I know that doesn't really make sense. But I think if we tried for another baby, I would do so in the hope that I would get my little girl. I don't know what I would do if it turned out to be another boy. (I guess I would get to reuse the mountain of boys clothing I have, so there is a positive!)

And, since I am being totally honest- here is my reasoning for wanting a girl (oh how embarassing to be admitting this in writing): I want to be mother of the bride someday. :o It's not the same as Mother of the Groom... :o It's just weird that I think like that, considering my happily un-wed status. But I just want to see my daughter all prettied up, and watch her walk down the isle and think "she is mine. I made her so strong and beautiful" and get all teary and all that rubbish...

I know. Ridiculous.

[BigRedV]

I think gender desire and gender disappointment, are very real. II think it's very natural to go through a grief process, for the dream child. That's my take on it anyhoo.

:iagree:

I have a friend who is desperate for a girl.

She has a 4 year old son, 2 year old twin boys and just gave birth to another son. She found out the gender of this one to get over disappointment by the time he came.

She reckons she'll try for a 5th :eek: to get a girl. She did everything to make this one a girl, her and hubby changed diets etc but it didn't work out, this boy wanted her to be his mummy :cloud9:

[Annabella]

1st time- honestly didn't care but when she was born and was a girl I was over the moon! I had my daughter!

2nd time- kind of wanted a boy for my husband but when she was born a girl I was over the moon again coz my big girl would have a sister (me and my sister are very close).

This time, we found out at my 20 wk scan, we're having a boy. I would've been happy either way, probably leaning towards another girl as I've met some particularly horrible boys lately (yes I know thats mean but they are FULL ON!!!). When the man said its a boy, the look on my husband's face just made me so happy we're having a son.

[Myztiks#1Fan]

i was really hoping for a boy. i couldnt think of any girls names and i just really wanted a boy. i got my wish and i honestly dont want any girls. if i have any girls, it would be lovely, but i just prefer boys. i dont know why but i think i would be very upset if i were to have a girl in the future.

[misskittyfantastico]

The funny thing is, and I was discussing this a while back with some others, sometimes there's this feeling that there is this sprit child waiting for it's time. Weirdness I know, and terribly well articulated:o, but a feeling all the same. Maybe, Lozzaaa, your friends "daughter" will come into her life in other ways, maybe as a child she befriends, or the woman one of her sons shares his life with. Maybe we have to wait, but I reckon they come....Do I sound like a looney?

[Myztik]

With DS1 I had convinced myself I was having a girl (he kept his legs crossed right up til 2wks before he was born). My ex wanted a girl and when I found out I was having a boy he hit the roof. I think my disappointment was more fear of his reaction that the fact it was a boy iykwim (abusive relationship).

With DS2 I will admit I was hoping for a girl but had a feeling it was a boy anyway. I was right :p

I think this time I will find out the babies sex as soon as possible because I think I will be a bit disappointed if it's another boy. Dont get me wrong, I'll love him/her just as much regardless, it's just hard being the only girl in the family sometimes :p

[CrankyAndTired]

I had hoped that the boys were girls. I thought it was mainly because DP was so hung up on having boys, that it would be funny if we had girls... but now I realise it was a lot more.

I remember thinking about this time last year "Hopefully all the scans were wrong (was having weekly scans by this stage, so you can imagine what a stretch it would have been for allll the scans to be wrong) and at least one of them is a girl! (Again, unlikely since they were monochorionic :laughing:)"

My heart is still set on having a little girl, but I really don't know if I want another baby. And I know that doesn't really make sense. But I think if we tried for another baby, I would do so in the hope that I would get my little girl. I don't know what I would do if it turned out to be another boy. (I guess I would get to reuse the mountain of boys clothing I have, so there is a positive!)

And, since I am being totally honest- here is my reasoning for wanting a girl (oh how embarassing to be admitting this in writing): I want to be mother of the bride someday. :o It's not the same as Mother of the Groom... :o It's just weird that I think like that, considering my happily un-wed status. But I just want to see my daughter all prettied up, and watch her walk down the isle and think "she is mine. I made her so strong and beautiful" and get all teary and all that rubbish...

I know. Ridiculous.

Its not ridiculous honey!! I TOTALLY get where you're coming from.. Maybe we'll both get little sisters for our little men someday.. :goodvibes: :hugs:

[BigRedV]

The funny thing is, and I was discussing this a while back with some others, sometimes there's this feeling that there is this sprit child waiting for it's time. Weirdness I know, and terribly well articulated:o, but a feeling all the same. Maybe, Lozzaaa, your friends "daughter" will come into her life in other ways, maybe as a child she befriends, or the woman one of her sons shares his life with. Maybe we have to wait, but I reckon they come....Do I sound like a looney?

Not at all, I totally know what you mean. I am the youngest of 6. My mum and dad were both married before they had me and had their own families. I am the only one of my brothers and sisters that is related to both parents. I am the son my dad never had :D IYKWIM

My friend feels bad that she has even gotten pg as her brother and SIL have been trying for 3 years with no luck. She doesn't want to make a fuss about having 4 boys when her bro can't have any.

My other friend told her to go to Asia where you can choose the gender in IVF :eek: Don't think she would go that far but apparently I heard if you have 4 of the one gender in Australia, you can get IVF for the chosen gender...don't know what I think of that :detective:

[Lil X-men]

I had hoped that the boys were girls. I thought it was mainly because DP was so hung up on having boys, that it would be funny if we had girls... but now I realise it was a lot more.

I remember thinking about this time last year "Hopefully all the scans were wrong (was having weekly scans by this stage, so you can imagine what a stretch it would have been for allll the scans to be wrong) and at least one of them is a girl! (Again, unlikely since they were monochorionic :laughing:)"

My heart is still set on having a little girl, but I really don't know if I want another baby. And I know that doesn't really make sense. But I think if we tried for another baby, I would do so in the hope that I would get my little girl. I don't know what I would do if it turned out to be another boy. (I guess I would get to reuse the mountain of boys clothing I have, so there is a positive!)

And, since I am being totally honest- here is my reasoning for wanting a girl (oh how embarassing to be admitting this in writing): I want to be mother of the bride someday. :o It's not the same as Mother of the Groom... :o It's just weird that I think like that, considering my happily un-wed status. But I just want to see my daughter all prettied up, and watch her walk down the isle and think "she is mine. I made her so strong and beautiful" and get all teary and all that rubbish...

I know. Ridiculous.

I dont think that is ridiculous, I feel the same way. I also want to see my daughter ( if I have one) have her first baby etc, seems so special I feel a bit sad to think I may never experience that:(
I just hope I have some lovely DIL's that want to share some of these things with me.:yes:

[Pinky81]

Well I am on the verge of finding out the sex of this baby (two days to go!!) and I am both excited and nervous at the same time.
I kind of hoped for a boy with DD1. For DH's sake and for us to have the first boy in two generations in my family. When we found out we were having a girl I was deep down a little disappointed but to my surprise DH was stoked.:)

Needless to say I am hoping this one is a boy. (I am unsure about this as I feel exactly the same as I did with DD1 in this pregnancy). DH says he is happy with either and that whatever happens this will be our last child:( But I know for sure he is hoping for a little boy aswell.

Of course if we are having another girl ,after the initial disappointment, I will be over the moon to have a sister for DD. I am one of four girls and couldn't live without my sisters:). Also if we have a girl I think DH may come around to having a third child-eventually- but if we have one of each he will not budge.

My sister is due any day now so one of us is bound to have the first boy after 9 girls:eek:!

[Looshkin]

I am sure I was pregnant with a boy the first MC and felt like I "just knew" I was havng aboy, rather than actually want for one.

Then when we were TTC again, we talked about it and seemed to think it would be a girl, I think I had a set preference that I would have a girl first... but I also have a feeling that R the boy child will come back to us, which I know sounds weird but I think this way about children sometimes that their souls choose us at the right time for the right reasons for both of us.:o

So I understand feeling that way,and not having any malicious or uncaring feelings behind it at all.

I certainly wouldn't begrudge anyone for wanting both daughters and sons.

I wonder if it's even a primal drivey type thing to want to ensure our genes are passed on. :detective:

[MumNeedsCoffee]

We wanted a boy. DP wanted a son, and as I have 3 nephews I wanted a boy as well so my child could play with the cousins.

My Dad wanted a granddaughter.

We didn't find out the sex so it was a surprise when my baby was lifted up to me and it was announced she was a girl.

To be honest I was a little disappointed at first. She is such a beautiful, content, happy little bub and we couldn't imagine life without her. We are only having one child and are so happy with our family.

Dad of course was excited that he finally got a granddaughter and he dotes on our little one.

[MyFab4]

The funny thing is, and I was discussing this a while back with some others, sometimes there's this feeling that there is this sprit child waiting for it's time. Weirdness I know, and terribly well articulated:o, but a feeling all the same.

I know exactly what you mean.

[Littlemissmetal]

When I first fell pregnant I hoped for A girl, we were told at our scan we were having A girl, so of course I was over the moon, but later we found out she was A little boy, I was extremely disappointed and shattered. This pregnancy I again hoped for A little girl, we tried the shettles method along with other ways to conceive A girl, we did that "intelligender test" at 15 weeks and we got A girl response, I then had A scan at 16 weeks and was told we were having A girl and then again told at 18 weeks we were having A girl, it wasn't until A scan done at 20 weeks we found out we were expecting another little boy, I found it extremely hard to deal with, I was an emotional wreck and kept getting comments "well atleast he is healthy" and "you should consider yourself lucky you can have A baby" which made things even worse, it took A good month or so to come around to the idea of having another boy, I am delighted to be giving DS1 A little brother and wouldn't want it any other way, but I still have A little bit of dissapointment. I just found out A friend of mine is expecting A girl and I felt so bad at myself because my first thoughts were jealousy and not happiness for her :( Of course I am over the moon for her though, they were just my first thoughts.

Nomise - Your reasoning is not silly, it is quite the same as mine.
I am just A super girly girl and want to be able to do my daughters hair, go shopping, talk boys etc and I would hate to have A monster daughter in law lol.

If we were to ever have another baby I will NOT be finding out the sex, the dissapointment I felt both times was unbearable and I don't want to put myself through that again, also both times our scans were wrong and I believe that being told we were expecting girls to later find out we were having boys made it A whole lot worse.

[misskittyfantastico]

I know exactly what you mean.

Oh, that's good, I'm typing injured and tired and and making many a mistook!

[biscotti]

I think gender desire and gender disappointment, are very real.
:iagree:
I'm agreeing, not for me, but for my husband.
Not that he would ever admit it but I think it should still be acknowledged, our partners too can feel gender disappointment.

We have a boy, and then three girls and I know my husband would have loved another boy in amongst those girls. Not that he doesn't love and adore them, because he absolutely, absolutely does:yes:, but I know he would have loved another boy in there somewhere:yes:.

[Oya]

Gender hasn't really bothered me, except for when I found out I was having a second boy and knowing this may be my last pregnancy for about 10 mins after I found out I sat there feeling as though I was in mourning of the daughter I would never have. I was lucky I got over it almost instantly though, I know so many people including my own father who have suffered gender disappointment. It's awfully sad.:(

[3SPUNKRATZ]

With my first, i spent an entire day crying the day before my 20 wk scan, i wanted a boy so bad i was terrified they would say it was a girl and i wouldnt want it. i was so happy when they said 'your having a boy" was the greatest feeling.

with my second. i so desperately wanted a brother for my son. i was terrified athte idea of having a girl. and when they told me i was having a girl, its took me weeks and weeks to deal with it. i was devastated. i threw myself a baby shower in the hopes that it would make me more excited about having a girl when i got given all girly stuff. but it didnt. eventually i started coming around to the idea. but really, it wasnt till she was born that i was really cool with her gender.
now, omg, i wouldnt change her for the world. that said, i so want to have another baby and hope for a boy. but i think i will be ok either way. depends if my hubby can even give me anymore (he had cancer)

[munchkins]

Lets make this thread really loving and honest -


Ok I know I am going to be hated for this but I wanted to badly for DD2 to be a boy I cried everyday after finding out he was really a she.
After I gave birth to her I still didn't want another girl and felt some sort of resentment towards her..... BUT
within the 1st few mins of her life that did change.
She was not breathing at birth and took a little time about a minute or two to hear her 1st cries.
That was the hardest and shortest time in my life, I fell into tears not because I had girl but because I thought my ex and I had lost her. From that moment I knew I was more than happy and felt so much love for her and now she is 15 months old and the most adorable bubbly little princess ( inc dd1 ) that I could ever ask for. When I found out I was pregnant this time around at 1st I was secretly wishing for a boy but then I thought about that moment and realised that no matter how much we want a particular gender as long as our bub is breathing at birth that is the most important thing in this world

[emma2938]

hi there,

DH and I both desperately wanted a boy first. For me it was the idea of having my children having a 'big brother'. I always wantesd that growing up, but had 3 sisters.

We had a little girl first, and it took me a few days to deal with it after our 18 week u/s, but now i wouldmt swap her for anything!

im preg with number 2 now, and hoping for a boy again, but time will tell i guess!

Great post liv!

[The Fox]

when i first fell pregnant i didnt mind either way, it wasnt until my mum started telling me that she was sure i was having a boy as i was exactly the same as her when she was pregnant with my brother, i guess from that point on i felt as though i was carrying a boy but still wouldnt have cared either way, then at all my scans prior to my morph scan they said that they were confident i was carrying a boy, so when the lady told me at my morph scan that she couldnt tell the gender but that from this angle it looks like a girl i was devastated. i got in the car cried my eyes out for a while, i guess i felt that if it was a girl i hadnt bonded with her and she was a stranger, i ended up with a gender scan a few weeks later who told us we were having a boy, i cried i was so relieved

[naiwen]

I really wanted a boy and thankfully got one!

If I have another baby I would want another boy and TBH one of the reasons I don't want another right now is the risk the bub could be a girl.

Horrid as it may seem I just don't want one.

But hopefully that will change in time.

[ALHmum]

We didn't really mind what we were having. A boy would have been nice for my DH but now he has a girl he says she can still play golf with him. I wasn't pertubed either way.
We didn't even think to find out what we were having. Nothing against anyone who did find out their bubs sex but does anyone not find out these days??? We just thought if bub is healthy then we would be happy and we are.

[MothersMilk]

I had wanted a boy while pregnant with DD (but always knew it would be a girl) when the 20 week scan confirmed it was a girl i did have a day of feeling disappointed and upset but then i got over it and started to accept it was a girl and the idea grew on me.
Now i love having a daughter so i don't care what my future children are - boy, girl whatever now i'm just happy to have children.

[Shortiii]

I wanted a girl. I come from a family of all girls, and TBH aside from my lovely partner, I've never had any nice or positive males in my life.
The idea of me having boys was ridiculous, as all that boy stuff just wasnt me....!

Until our 19week scan, I had girls names picked out, was fawning over pretty girly things and almost buying, as I was convinced I just wouldnt have a boy.

Well, we found out we're having a boy! I kinda *knew* just before our scan I'd be disappointed. I couldn't believe it. I was devastated. My partner didn't mind either way, and I think now is really proud to be having a first born son, but it took me a couple days to come around to the idea. He still teases me alot watching me pine away over the dresses and little glittery shoes.

However, now, 3 weeks from meeting our son, I can't wait! :goodvibes: I love DP so much and the idea of having a tiny version of him makes me all excited.:bee: I'm really proud to say *my son*.

Being my first, I know we have a 50/50 chance of making him a sister next time, and I think, having only wanted 2 kids, that if I do get another boy, i'll be very disappointed again.( Id always wanted one of each, girl first though) Im pretty sure Id be prepared to go to three kiddlies to have a girl, but then accept it if I was meant to be the mummy of 3 boys.

I just want a mini version of me too you know.

[Beachside Mumma]

I really really wanted a little boy... And I insisted on finding out the sex at the scan so that if I was having a girl...I'd have time to get over the dissapointment, as horrible as that sounds:o. Before my scan I kept telling myself that it was a girl, i think to try and keep myself from being to disappointed if it really did end up being a girl (it didn't help that EVERYONE kept saying I was having a girl). When I found out that we were having a girl I didn't quite know how I felt and for the first few hours afterwards kept telling myself that they'd got it wrong and I really was having a boy... Thankfully I managed to snap out of it pretty quickly and got used to the idea of a girl...even excited.
Now she's here, I wouldn't change her for the world and as much as i'd love the next bubba to be a little boy, I'd love to have another girl as well... I guess we'll be having a big family :laughing:

[Lozie]

I have had gender dissapointment I cryed when i was told Ds3 was a boy i even argued with the person doing my scan that he was a She! But ah well i knew ds1 was a boy and i think deep down i knew ds2 and ds3 were boys but i so desperately want a girl i was blinded but the gender preference, i really dont feel like our family is complete cause we want to have a daughter i still feel like there is something missing in our lives but i am happy to wait for that little angel to come into our lives :goodvibes:

[little_fish]

I've always wondered about this. I find it interesting that most of the mums who come around for their second say "I don't mind what it is" if they already have a girl, and find out in advance if they already have a boy. The one friend who had a boy and said she wanted another boy, I wondered if that was really true or if she was trying not to show dissapointment if it did end up being a boy...

I guess it's because I always wanted a daughter myself. I didn't find out with DS, and wasn't in the least surprised when he came out a boy, even though I hoped for a girl. But we found out for DD, and I didn't tell anyone we knew, cos I knew I would be quite upset if the U/S turned out to be wrong, and I didn't want that to be a public dissapointment.

[Me&MrMagoo]

i'm so glad someone brought this up - i thought i was weird!!

i desperately want a boy ... we find out in two weeks what we're having - well i do, hubby doesn't want to know ...

and the only reason i'm finding out is so i can get used to the idea if our little one is a girl .. if i have more children i want all sons!! (yeah i know that might not happen!)

i'm sure i'll love a lil girl just as much as a boy - but far out brussel sprout i really want a son!!

[CrankyAndTired]

Thanks everyone for your honest replies! This can be a bit of a taboo topic but I think its important that we're honest about how we feel..

I think the biggest misconception is that if we admit to hoping for a girl or boy, that we love the child we get less if they were not the desired gender.

For me, the dissapointment has never been with my child himself, but as someone said earlier, its grieving the death of a dream child that never existed.

We were told that our bub was a girl at 12 weeks, so we had named her and bonded with her.. only she never existed! The experience of finding out bubs was a boy was a loss for us.. which is why we are so keen to try to a girl next time...

Thanks again for keeping this such a safe place thread :goodvibes::goodvibes::goodvibes:

[SassyMummy]

I wanted a girl.

I thought I was going to have a boy.

I had a girl.

Next time I'd like a boy... but would be happy with a girl too because I love little girls. :p I don't think I'll be disappointed either way next time, because I can't really decide which I'd prefer more.

[sooz77]

We'll be finding out on Friday what we're having and I honestly don't mind either way, I'm just too impatient to wait until January. A girl would be lovely because both of my brothers have sons so it would be great to finally have a little girl in the family but a boy would be awesome too because DH's brother has 2 girls so ours would be the first grandson on his side.

DH didn't really want to find out but I know he desperately wants a son and if we have a girl I didn't want his initial feeling for her when she's born to be disappointment.
I have no doubt that he'd soon get over it but I also know that he'll never be able to take those first feelings back and he'll feel awful about it forever.
This way he can deal with any feelings of disappointment long before he ever meets her so when she does arrive all he'll feel is love.

[Countrydeb]

Well anyone who's read one of my posts will know i am devastated to be carrying my 4th son......i found out at the 20 week scan and even now cannot believe the depth of my sadness and disappointment........I allowed myself to hope too much that this one was a girl as this pregnancy i have felt different and quite honestly felt like it was a girl....wishful thinking obviously........I live in this very masculine world of farming and my dh while a great bloke is pretty insensitive to my girly needs.......i just wanted a girl for me,i love my boys with all my heart, but this one was supposed to be for me.....I agree with livly i've never felt hatred or disappointment with the baby just with the gender......i am terrified i will have an adverse reaction to bub at birth and have been having counselling to deal with all the issues the boy thing has brought up.....i take some solace in the fact that i love feelings his rolls and movements but just don't know how i will feel til i see him.......I have just had both my sil have girls and that has knocked me for a six....seems everyone else can get what they want bar me{know this is not true but when i have a pity party i have a good one}........I have little excitement about this birth and comin home as i see it as more blue,blue and blue and i soooo wanted pink.....My dh is hoping the scan was wrong and i know he is sad too but i can't even hope for that tho honestly of course i am ,i am just not putting any faith in it......I make myself say him ,he,i've bought a couple of outfits because i should but part of me didn't even want this birth acknowledged...when i first found out,i didn't want anyone to buy me anything,i really do have enough boy stuff to get me thru....but how sad for this baby,it's not his fault [it's his bloody fathers]I must admit the feelings have lessened quite a bit and as i'm due in 2-4 weeks i should have my sh#t together but this is such a volatile subject for me....i have had the most insensitive things said to me such as,maybe he'll be gay[wtf..like that would make up for not having a daughter,dress him as a girl for the first 2 years[and raise a possible pyschopath] ,can you swap,and the usual guilt applying --you should be happy it's healthy,this baby didn't ask to be born blah blah blah.........like i don't feel bad enough about feeling like this.....Most of these things were said to me by mothers who have children of both sexes,i could have punched them........Once upon a time i would never have understood how someone can feel as i do about an impending birth but this is my reality and to me it sucks...i was initally disappointed with ds3 at his 11 week scan when they said looks like a boy ,cried in the car,went home cried some more ,cried to my dh that i am only going to be a mil and then don't remember feeling anything else bad about it after getting it out of my system....of course that was 7 years ago and i am now 42 so time is running out.....I am considering looking into the shettles method but could not have another boy ...it's a big risk.......sorry this is so long,it's a touchy subject for me......:ecomcity:

[BigRedV]

We were told that our bub was a girl at 12 weeks, so we had named her and bonded with her.. only she never existed!

Who told you that at 12 weeks?

[DoubleDelight]

With my 1st I wanted a boy as I always wanted a son to be a big brother to his younger sister so was really pleased when DS1 was born. When I was pg with DS2 I was so focused on having a girl and convinced myself that I was. I found out at 35wks pg that I was having a boy and was crushed. In hindsight I was glad that I had those two weeks to reconcile myself to the idea of having a second son. Luckily when he was born I fell totally head over heels in love. It took a long time for me to get used to the idea that I was going to be the mother of sons rather than a pidgeon pair. As fate would have it some 12 years later my daughter arrived but right through the pregnancy I convinced myself that I was having two boys so I wasn't disappointed.

[Littlemissmetal]

Thanks everyone for your honest replies! This can be a bit of a taboo topic but I think its important that we're honest about how we feel..

I think the biggest misconception is that if we admit to hoping for a girl or boy, that we love the child we get less if they were not the desired gender.

For me, the dissapointment has never been with my child himself, but as someone said earlier, its grieving the death of a dream child that never existed.

We were told that our bub was a girl at 12 weeks, so we had named her and bonded with her.. only she never existed! The experience of finding out bubs was a boy was a loss for us.. which is why we are so keen to try to a girl next time...

Thanks again for keeping this such a safe place thread :goodvibes::goodvibes::goodvibes:

I compeletly get where you are coming from, I was told with both pregnancies, DS1 at 18 weeks he was A girl but then found out 2 weeks later he was A boy and with this pregnancy I was told several time he was A girl, at 16 and 18 weeks, wasn't until 20 weeks we were told yet again we were expecting another boy :(
First time it wasn't as bad, my guilty feelings and disappointment didn't last as long as this time, but during this pregnancy I bonded with our baby - Whom we were naming Lillie (we had the name chosen and that was what we referred to her as) as A girl for over A month, I was told both times at the scans they were over 95% sure he was A girl, so I went out and spent big on girlie clothes, accessories etc. So I was shattered when we found out he was A boy, I still have mountains of girls clothes, blankets etc here, I took back what I could (with receipts etc.) but the rest it packed away, hopefully one day I will get to use it all.

[BabelFish]

Well anyone who's read one of my posts will know i am devastated to be carrying my 4th son......i found out at the 20 week scan and even now cannot believe the depth of my sadness and disappointment........I allowed myself to hope too much that this one was a girl as this pregnancy i have felt different and quite honestly felt like it was a girl....wishful thinking obviously........I live in this very masculine world of farming and my dh while a great bloke is pretty insensitive to my girly needs.......i just wanted a girl for me,i love my boys with all my heart, but this one was supposed to be for me.....I agree with livly i've never felt hatred or disappointment with the baby just with the gender......i am terrified i will have an adverse reaction to bub at birth and have been having counselling to deal with all the issues the boy thing has brought up.....i take some solace in the fact that i love feelings his rolls and movements but just don't know how i will feel til i see him.......I have just had both my sil have girls and that has knocked me for a six....seems everyone else can get what they want bar me{know this is not true but when i have a pity party i have a good one}........I have little excitement about this birth and comin home as i see it as more blue,blue and blue and i soooo wanted pink.....My dh is hoping the scan was wrong and i know he is sad too but i can't even hope for that tho honestly of course i am ,i am just not putting any faith in it......I make myself say him ,he,i've bought a couple of outfits because i should but part of me didn't even want this birth acknowledged...when i first found out,i didn't want anyone to buy me anything,i really do have enough boy stuff to get me thru....but how sad for this baby,it's not his fault [it's his bloody fathers]I must admit the feelings have lessened quite a bit and as i'm due in 2-4 weeks i should have my sh#t together but this is such a volatile subject for me....i have had the most insensitive things said to me such as,maybe he'll be gay[wtf..like that would make up for not having a daughter,dress him as a girl for the first 2 years[and raise a possible pyschopath] ,can you swap,and the usual guilt applying --you should be happy it's healthy,this baby didn't ask to be born blah blah blah.........like i don't feel bad enough about feeling like this.....Most of these things were said to me by mothers who have children of both sexes,i could have punched them........Once upon a time i would never have understood how someone can feel as i do about an impending birth but this is my reality and to me it sucks...i was initally disappointed with ds3 at his 11 week scan when they said looks like a boy ,cried in the car,went home cried some more ,cried to my dh that i am only going to be a mil and then don't remember feeling anything else bad about it after getting it out of my system....of course that was 7 years ago and i am now 42 so time is running out.....I am considering looking into the shettles method but could not have another boy ...it's a big risk.......sorry this is so long,it's a touchy subject for me......:ecomcity:
Awwww hun :hugs:

I hope things turn out ok for you. This must be so hard.

[MinkeyMoo]

I had no desire for either sex. Getting pregnant was exciting, having a healthy baby on board was enough for me each time. I have three beautiful girls and would not swap them for a boy, even on our worst days. Whilst I appreciate that people do feel gender disappointment, I personally cannot comprehend it.

[Blueberry Crumble]

Well, I have one of each.

I am not sure how I would have felt if my second had been a boy, but I was very excited when I found out that it was a girl! I would have loved my boy just as much.

[Mrs J]

I wanted a girl for my first and i got my wish we had a girl, my second i wanted a boy, i wanted a pigeon pair but after months of trying than m/c at 8 weeks i didnt care what we had, we had another little girl, i was just dissapointed for DH he didnt get his son, BUT i fell pregnant for a 3rd time total shock & i said at the scan that i didnt want to find out so we didnt in the beggining, then when we were in the waiting room DH and my mum were teasing me saying it was another girl they saw it etc and well i burst into tears, i couldnt handle the next 20 weeks of not knowing and not enjoying because it might be a girl, anyway when we went in for the scan results the dr could tell i was upset so he took me back in to see and be 100 % on what bubs sex was. Well at first they said it looks like a girl and i just had this feeling of dissapointment come over me i thought no way not again, then the dr goes hang on whats that, its actually a boy, you have your son and i burst into tears anyway :laughing: i was over joyed :D i am giving my husband a son & my dad his only grand son and he is thrilled, i feel so complete now that we are adding a little boy. I am an only child so my kids are my parents only grand kids and dad wanted a son desperatly but they couldn't they were lucky to have had me, so i felt i had to give him a grand son and im so proud that i am and that i can give my girls a brother and we get a son :yes:

[ALHmum]

I had no desire for either sex. Getting pregnant was exciting, having a healthy baby on board was enough for me each time. I have three beautiful girls and would not swap them for a boy, even on our worst days. Whilst I appreciate that people do feel gender disappointment, I personally cannot comprehend it.
:iagree:
i'm afraid that i agree also. I can't quite understand the disappointment. A healthy happy baby is all i ever wished for.

[CrankyAndTired]

CountryDeb - I think its great that you can be so honest about your dissapointment, its a really healthy, brave approach. Allow yourself to feel whatever you feel - but try not to fear meeting your little man, I'm sure you'll fall in love with hiim just like you did your other sons.. :hugs:

Lozzaaa - It was a new American blood test which detects increased male hormones in your blood if you are carrying a boy.. None were detected in my test, but sometimes the baby doesnt produce enough til later in the pregnancy.. anyway, in my case it was wrong!!

[maybe1more]

I so hear you all!!!:yes:

I have two boys and im pregnant with my third and im praying for a girl!!! I find out tomorrow and i know there will be tears if i find out im having another boy, i know i will dearly love my child regardless of the gender but i know in my heart that this will probably be my last child and a girl will complete my family. :fingerscrossed: :fingerscrossed: :fingerscrossed: :fingerscrossed:

[mummabec]

before i was pg always wanted a boy first as i always wanted an older brother then when i found out i was pg i really felt it was a girl so convinced that if i had of had a boy i think i would have been disappointed but out came my dd and i couldnt be happier. i do want at least one of each though and would probably feel like my family was incomplete without a son.

[Countrydeb]

Thanks ladies for the support........I really wish i didn't care and really up til now only felt a slight regret at not having a daughter....i guess thats why it's such a personal thing......I do feel ripped off but i',m glad i found out when i did as i would have hated to have 9 months of hoping[and deluding myself] i was having a girl to feel absolutely shattered at his birth and really having issues ....at least i have had nearly 20 weeks to adapt,if not like the outcome........I don't totally understand why i feel such a loss except to say that i am outnumbered in my house and pretty things,don't matter.....i know having a girl would not change the world but for me it just might have added a new dimension......Also i believe sons tend to remove themselves a bit particularly when they get into relationships.....i don't want to generalise here but i've experienced it with my older son,who is a generous,sensitive caring man,her family come first as he keeps her happy.........Girls tend to gravitate toward their mums{after teenagehood} especially when getting married,having babies etc...i know this is not true in all situations but i think it's part of why i feel as i do about having another boy.....I had a very close relationship with my eldest and would say i am very close to my young two ,but as they are getting older it's more dad and footy and shooting and all that other glorious boy stuff......I would have just liked one in this house to say yes that colour is pretty,mummy this dress is nice,etc etc........oh well i know i should be grateful for what i have but sometimes i just want what seems so easy for others......

[BigRedV]

Lozzaaa - It was a new American blood test which detects increased male hormones in your blood if you are carrying a boy.. None were detected in my test, but sometimes the baby doesnt produce enough til later in the pregnancy.. anyway, in my case it was wrong!!

WOW...:eek:

[MyFab4]

Oh, that's good, I'm typing injured and tired and and making many a mistook!
What I meant by knowing what you mean, lol, was that I have had that feeling myself. About having a another child around me that isn't born yet. I have had that feeling again recently and I already have 5 children and bub is only 7 mths:eek:.


Nothing against anyone who did find out their bubs sex but does anyone not find out these days??? We just thought if bub is healthy then we would be happy and we are.
We don't find out the sex of our babies, I love the surprise. We did find out with #2 but I was disappointed that I did, I much prefer to find out when their born.

[Countrydeb]

I would rather have waited but as it was so important to me i found out and i'm sooooo glad i did........My first 2 i didn't because it didn't matter but with ds 3 i found out as i thought he would be my last and i would have preferred a girl.....Would have been my dream to not find out and deliver a girl......

[BigRedV]

Nothing against anyone who did find out their bubs sex but does anyone not find out these days??? We just thought if bub is healthy then we would be happy and we are.

We found out. Not because we wanted a specific gender but so we could prepare the nursery and buy clothes. I bought loads of unisex clothes before the u/s said she was a girl and when she was born, I didn't like the unisex clothes and hardly put her in any neutral colours. It was also good to buy clothes that were on sale. I bought loads of clothes for her when she would be a little older, took a lot of strain off having to buy clothes once I was on maternity leave.

I will find out with any future babies too. I think it is just as much a surprise when they tell you on u/s as when they pop out. My DF still cried and we were still so excited when she was born. We had named her, called her by her name and bonded with her whilst she was in utero.

[delirium]

We found out. Not because we wanted a specific gender but so we could prepare the nursery and buy clothes. I bought loads of unisex clothes before the u/s said she was a girl and when she was born, I didn't like the unisex clothes and hardly put her in any neutral colours.

We had named her, called her by her name and bonded with her whilst she was in utero.

That was our reasoning too. It made more sense to us to know so we could plan and have the clothes and nursery all done. I admit, though, I am horrible with surprises and just couldn't have waited 8 whole months to know :o We also named her, lucky she was really a girl :laughing:

With DS we had all the girls stuff, and knowing his gender meant I went and got the clothes, bunny rugs and boys's cot set before he was born.

[Nomsie]

We found out, only because DP was so impatient, mainly.

But we also start buying gender specific items, and it really helped financially knowing earlier that we were having boys. (So we didn't waste money on gender neutral things that most likey we would have replaced when we found out the sex later)

[DoubleDelight]

I've only found out with one of mine, DS2, and that was by accident not desire. I actually think part of the excitement of childbirth is finding out the sex of your baby. I had that many ultrasounds with the twins (somewhere in the vicinity of 20) and we resisted the temptation to find out.

[Teegzie]

When I found out I was pregnant, I really really really wanted a girl. I picked out a girl's name (Alice) and imagined all the lovely fun dresses I'd buy

That's a great name for a girl! My little girl is called Alice! ;)

We didn't find out the sex when I was pg with DD. DF and I both kind of expected and wanted a boy. I ended up having an emergency c-section so we didn't really have time to be disappointed because we were too worried about her being ok!

I think DF wants a boy still but I'm kind of convinced we are going to have another girl. My Dad is absolutely certain he will be surrounded by grandaughters and it has sort of rubbed off on me! :laughing:

[(mummy)x2]

with my DS i knew he was an baby boy, i had this strange feeeling that he was an boy, i even dreamed about him when he was in my stomach, it was that strong i did not need to find out the sex of the baby, although my untie was arguing to me it was an girl not an boy so i told her to come to my third scan as the first and second one we could not find out the gender. I rub it in her face when they told me that i am carring an boy.
at the end he was a boy but i am glade as i did not have any girls names picked out :D

with D2 i do not have any strange feelings that bubs is a girl or boy, i even dreamed of having an boy and another one an girl. My DP is due to have an boy but i told him if its a boy i going to scream to let everybody to know i am not happy :D as i want an baby girl. :no::no: as i already have an baby boy, i do not want three boys in the house (grrr):ecomcity:.
This is my last chance to have an girl as well as my DP does not want anymore children so i have to win the lotto :laughing:.
If i do not have an baby girl, i just have to wait to wait for an DGD or for a DIL (i hope she does not think that i am evil though, as i do no not want to be one of those evil MIL)

[BigRedV]

I've only found out with one of mine, DS2, and that was by accident not desire. I actually think part of the excitement of childbirth is finding out the sex of your baby. I had that many ultrasounds with the twins (somewhere in the vicinity of 20) and we resisted the temptation to find out.

WOW...you didn't find out with twins???

I was pregnant with twins (sadly, it didn't work out :crying:) but I would have definitely found out with twins, sooo much stuff to buy and organise, especially since already having one girl, if one or both was a boy then I would have had to go out and buy lots of stuff - they were girls by the way but still would have had to buy laods more stuff.

[sooz77]

Thanks ladies for the support........I really wish i didn't care and really up til now only felt a slight regret at not having a daughter....i guess thats why it's such a personal thing......I do feel ripped off but i',m glad i found out when i did as i would have hated to have 9 months of hoping[and deluding myself] i was having a girl to feel absolutely shattered at his birth and really having issues ....at least i have had nearly 20 weeks to adapt,if not like the outcome........I don't totally understand why i feel such a loss except to say that i am outnumbered in my house and pretty things,don't matter.....i know having a girl would not change the world but for me it just might have added a new dimension......Also i believe sons tend to remove themselves a bit particularly when they get into relationships.....i don't want to generalise here but i've experienced it with my older son,who is a generous,sensitive caring man,her family come first as he keeps her happy.........Girls tend to gravitate toward their mums{after teenagehood} especially when getting married,having babies etc...i know this is not true in all situations but i think it's part of why i feel as i do about having another boy.....I had a very close relationship with my eldest and would say i am very close to my young two ,but as they are getting older it's more dad and footy and shooting and all that other glorious boy stuff......I would have just liked one in this house to say yes that colour is pretty,mummy this dress is nice,etc etc........oh well i know i should be grateful for what i have but sometimes i just want what seems so easy for others......


I agree for the most part, girls do tend to gravitate back to their mums when they get older and marriage/babies is on teh cards.
Don't underplay the role of a MIL though, my MIL is fantastic and has been a huge support to me since I moved to Oz 3 years ago.
From day 1 she has welcomed me into her family and made sure I felt like I belonged.
She was a huge help when we were planning our wedding, we made sure to involve her as much as we could and she's coming to our 20 week scan with us on Friday.

I know things might have turned out differently if my own mum lived nearby but I have no doubt that I would still be just as close to my MIL and I have no doubt that when your lovely boys start bringing their girlfriends home you will be a fantastic MIL to them.

:hugs:

[julietv8]

I didn't have gender disappointment, I knew from the first week with both pregnancies that they were boys. I always thought I would be a mum to 2 boys so I didn't worry about it. My husband however desperately wants a girl, his family haven't produced one for the last 5 generations. He loves DS to bits, but I think he has a bit of gender disappointment as this will be our last baby.

[Lil X-men]

I so hear you all!!!:yes:

I have two boys and im pregnant with my third and im praying for a girl!!! I find out tomorrow and i know there will be tears if i find out im having another boy, i know i will dearly love my child regardless of the gender but i know in my heart that this will probably be my last child and a girl will complete my family.





Best of luck, how did you go today hun, I really hope you got a PINK bundle this time.:goodvibes::goodvibes::fingerscrossed:
We found out yesterday that we are preg with our third boy.
I am happy he is healthy and totally gorgeous:bee: but am dissapointed I will never have a daughter to watch grow up and get married and have her own babies etc, as this is our last baby.:(

[maybe1more]

Best of luck, how did you go today hun, I really hope you got a PINK bundle this time.:goodvibes::goodvibes::fingerscrossed:
We found out yesterday that we are preg with our third boy.
I am happy he is healthy and totally gorgeous:bee: but am dissapointed I will never have a daughter to watch grow up and get married and have her own babies etc, as this is our last baby.:(


Hey Julz, CONGRATULATIONS on your new little man, its hard to "grief" the daughter you know you may ever have. But you`ll have 3 DIL`s and surley you`ll click with one of them like your own daughter. How are you feeling??? Are you going ok???

As for me, i am shocked to say im having a GIRL!!!! i was honestly convinced that it was another boy. I shock and i dont think its sunk and probably wont untill i give birth!!!

[BabelFish]

Thanks ladies for the support........I really wish i didn't care and really up til now only felt a slight regret at not having a daughter....i guess thats why it's such a personal thing......I do feel ripped off but i',m glad i found out when i did as i would have hated to have 9 months of hoping[and deluding myself] i was having a girl to feel absolutely shattered at his birth and really having issues ....at least i have had nearly 20 weeks to adapt,if not like the outcome........I don't totally understand why i feel such a loss except to say that i am outnumbered in my house and pretty things,don't matter.....i know having a girl would not change the world but for me it just might have added a new dimension......Also i believe sons tend to remove themselves a bit particularly when they get into relationships.....i don't want to generalise here but i've experienced it with my older son,who is a generous,sensitive caring man,her family come first as he keeps her happy.........Girls tend to gravitate toward their mums{after teenagehood} especially when getting married,having babies etc...i know this is not true in all situations but i think it's part of why i feel as i do about having another boy.....I had a very close relationship with my eldest and would say i am very close to my young two ,but as they are getting older it's more dad and footy and shooting and all that other glorious boy stuff......I would have just liked one in this house to say yes that colour is pretty,mummy this dress is nice,etc etc........oh well i know i should be grateful for what i have but sometimes i just want what seems so easy for others......
I just wanted to say I can't possibly understand how you feel but I hope you don't beat yourself up over it. You have every right to have hoped for a little girl - we all know that a healthy, happy baby is the most important thing and it is, but surrounded by `maleness' as you are, I can understand where you're coming from so much.

My second baby will be a boy, and I'll admit to being very surprised and shocked and momentarily disappointed because I was hoping for a family of girls. But I have a daughter and I am the luckiest person in the world to be getting one of each.

It's not the baby you are disappointed in, it's the loss of your dream that is so close to your heart. I think if I had only men (or mostly men) in my life, the desire and need for some female companionship, some female relationship, a baby girl - these things are totally understandable.

While we're all equal, we're not all the same, otherwise there'd be no differences at all in our genders and we'd all be asexual. Women need other women, it's as simple as that. And so your desire for a little baby girl is totally understandable and I so hope you don't feel bad about wanting one.

My auntie said to me `every mother deserves a daughter' and I agree with her. I really do. I know that the mothers out there who don't have one probably couldn't care less and their lives are complete and happy, but I have a daughter and so I can't understand how it feels to want one and not have one. All I can do is try to imagine what I would be feeling in your situation and I can tell you right now I'd be feeling exactly the same.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad for being disappointed - because we all know that a happy, healthy baby should be enough. But we're also all human, and there is nothing wrong with a Mummy who is surrounded by males to want a little baby girl. The same way that a Daddy might feel if he were surrounded by females. Having a child of your own sex is a very special thing, and I hope that one day you have four daughters-in-law who treat you the way they treat their own mums - because the relationship you can have with your mother-in-law can be a very, very special one. And who knows - all of your sons might have daughters, and that would be wonderful for you!

[ilee]

i wanted a girl!! right or wrong i wanted a girl. convinced myself i wouldn't know what to do with a boy and had all my hopes on a girl!
what really annoyed me was when i was pregnant people would ask was i hoping for a boy or a girl, and when i answered i was the worst person in the world for having a preferance! :hair:that question should be banned. i think everyone has a preferance at least for their first baby, just not everyone is honest about it.
having said that though i didn't find out as she had her legs closed the whole pregnancy. but when i first held her in my arms i didn't know and i didn't care! said to the midwife "what did you say it was?":rolleyes:

[Countrydeb]

Thank you ladies ...your kind posts have made me cry...nice tears tho, i rarely get soft words and understanding.....Dh and i had a huge fight yesterday,over the same stuff,and he has totally no idea how i am feeling.......I was tired yesterday as we had a day out at a field day and as i'm 36 weeks and no spring chicken i was knackered by the end of the day...of course being the male environment that it is i got left with the kids and by end of day ds3 was being threatened with death......And typical dh couldn't just shut up and think she's tired,she's nearly ready to pop,she's emotional...oh No not him insensitive dope....sorry for the rant......thanks again....... As for the mil aspect,i hope i get a chance with at least one of them...My eldest son {22} ,his girlfriend is mega close to her mum so i have no hope there,and i have a crap mil myself which is disappointing as my mum lives in Qld so would have appreciated some female support .....

[florence]

I always said that if I ever had kids then I wanted boys but as soon as I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I just knew she was a girl and really got used to the idea. I dare say I would have been slightly disappointed had I found out at my 18 week scan that it was a boy but I would have gotten over it pretty quickly.
With this one, we will find out the sex again and are hoping for another girl but will be happy either way as long as we have a healthy bubba.

:goodvibes:

[poppygirl]

CountryDeb - I have been reading your journal posts and most of your other posts about this issue for a while now and i know this sounds stalker-ish :obut i think about you every day and wonder how you are doing :hugs:

I have only one child -DS - but i dont know if i will be able to conceive another, and i REALLY wanted a girl.

I was convinced i was having a girl, and in my private little chats with my baby when he was in my tummy, i called him by my lovely girl name, and i pictured a fat little brown haired girl...not a lean lanky blonde boy! I was devestated and shocked when i had a boy. I remember that when i was in hospital after DS was born, someone sent me some flowers with a card that declared in big happy letters "It's A Son!!!" and every time i looked at it i cried! My DH was over the moon to have a son, and it was gorgeous to see him so in love and so proud with our gorgeous baby boy, but for me the love had to grow over time.

It is a weird way to feel, cos you cant talk about with anyone except lovely Bubhub ladies of course! The old "as long as it's healthy i don't mind" is so tired and worn out with me...i wanted a girl, i thought i was having a girl, and of course i was wanted a healthy baby, but wanting a healthy baby has got nothing to do with the gender of the baby...in my opinion it's a saying that denies and invalidates any feelings a woman has about how she would ideally like her family to be.

We are currently TTC and i honestly don't know how i would feel if i had another boy, which woudl probably be our last child. Of course i love my gorgeous boy and i now know that boys can be fun and affectionate and all that stuff, but i do still linger in the girls over-filled clothes section in shops whereas in the boys section, which is smaller and filled with tshirts covered in tanks, motorbikes and camouflage stuff, as long as it fits, matches and is comfy, i don't really care ....

I agree with CountryDeb....there comes a time with boys i think when the relationship they have with their mum is sort of swapped for the one they have with their partner. I know it is a generalisation and you can still have a strong relationship with a married / partnered son, but i too think there can be a different dynamic with between mum and daughter.

Thank you for starting this thread....i spent a long time feeling really really guilty and embarrassed about wanting a specific gendered baby and about secretly envying friends and rellies with baby girls...it is so good to have somewhere supportive and safe to talk about this stuff:flowerz:

[tahm563]

With my 1st pregnancy, I really didn't care whether it was a boy/girl. I always loved the idea of a big sister, as I don't have one. I really wished I had a big sister. We had our first DD. I love her to death. I wouldn't have it any other way.
With this pregnancy, I wanted a boy just because I want to have one of each. I am not planning on having any more children for a few years at least. So, I thought it would be nice to have a pair. This pregnancy was so different from my first, I was convinced it will be a boy. But we found out it's a girl at 19 weeks. I was initially really dissapointed as I so badly wanted a boy. But thankfully, I am over it now.I would love my DD to have a little sister.

[TripleTime]

All long i had a gut feeling we were having ID girls & our lone ranger would be a boy. 3 boys would have done my head in.

Low & behold we have ID girls & a boy.

[BigRedV]

All long i had a gut feeling we were having ID girls & our lone ranger would be a boy. 3 boys would have done my head in.

Low & behold we have ID girls & a boy.

IMO that is ideal. I would love 2 girls and a boy. I don't know if I would have anymore than 3...

At the end of the day though, I do really just want healthy babies. I have had 2 failed pregnancies, one of them was twins at 19 weeks so I would just love any pregnancy to be sticky and healthy.

[Misschief]

I think I wanted a boy, because I have always been a tomboy as well and wouldn't have anything in common with a girl. I have tonnes of my old Lego stored for 17 years in my parents garage and I am dying to play with it again :D I don't even know how to apply make-up, except for some lipstick, so how could I teach my daughter how to apply it?? :laughing:
I'm glad I have been told during 2 scans that I am 100% sure having a boy :D

[DonnaL]

I have never experienced gender disappointment for myself, as my first was the girl I always wanted and my second is a boy - but I definitely think it's very legitimate and normal.

I honestly don't really think I would have minded too much either way though - but I did always want a girl and would have been a bit sad if I didn't get one.

[xlouxloux]

1st - i secretly wanted a girl just so i had my lil girl i have such a great relationship with my mum i wanted to have a girl so i could have that with her, DF wanted a girl n was calling her a girl from early on (which really scared me as i didnt want him to be devo if it was a boy) my mum also wanted a girl because she had such a hard time with my brother i think she was worried. Turned out to be a girl n we were all happy haha

2nd - really didnt mind either way, would have loved a girl to give DD1 a lil sister to play with n be best friends with and would have loved a boy for something different. Turns out were expecting a girl (or so the sonographer says hehe). We're both really happy and excited but now i think im more inclined to go for another in a few yrs..who knows.
Im getting over the looks people give me when i say were expecting 'another girl' though its as if they are saying 'awww thats a shame' no its not actually im really happy about it :laughing:

[Countrydeb]

Poppygirl----thanks for the support and understanding....I just love this thread it's given me a chance to say some things which certainly aren't supported anywhere else.......I understand your feelings totally.....i feel exactly the same and feel a loss i've never imagined....Are you doing the 'girl' thing to conceive?:fingerscrossed: for you and a pink bundle...... I've just come back from Perth and have to go in on monday for induction...will put the details in my journal.......

[mum2bubba]

When I was pregnant and found out I was having a boy, I wasn't thrilled about it. Not because I didn't want a boy, but because I would have preferred another girl, even after having two already. I guess its because I am used to being around girls more (lots of sisters, two daughters, more females in the family etc), it took me a few months to accept the fact that I was going to have a son. Once I started thinking of names, telling people, buying clothes etc it was easier.

Anyway, fast foward to now and I couldn't be more happy having a little boy (though I would have been happy either way) I sometimes look back and think I was silly to feel that way. If we had any more kids, I honestly wouldn't care what the gender was.

I think another thing that made me feel the way I did was when I told people we were expecting again, they'd say things like "I hope its a boy this time" or "Are you gonna stop if you have a boy?" which at times made me think that if we DID have a third girl people would have been dissapointed or our daughters weren't good enough or something.

I love my kids no matter what gender they are. :hugs::hugs::hugs:

I am actually glad I have different genders of kids, in general I get along with men/boys than I do with girls. Hayley and Skye (especially Hayley) seem to have a special 'daddy-daughter' bond with Grant, we'll see what happens with Nathan though. I love doing all boy stuff like going to the footy, cars, etc. I know I can still do that stuff with the girls too of course.

[melbryan]

I wanted to come in here even though it is very late and tell my story.
I have talked about this to many people, I accepted my first was a boy but secretly wanted a girl. Then number 2 came 2 yrs later I cried alot after not wanting to tell Dh what it was .. another boy. I had my heart set on a girl cause I was part of a pigeon pair.15 mths later came another boy , my heart sank in the U/S they were very sure it was another boy I didn't want to believe it but deep down knew I was about to have another boy and I did. I was really worried I would stop there and never have a girl. SO I talked with DH and talked about the dynamics and how son's go with their partners families ( just a reality really) and how it would be so nice to have a little girl. He warmed to the idea soon and I told him that I would do all in my power to look into conceiving a girl so I did. I bought a recipe and did all these things a lady in America did after having 4 boys she got a girl. We decided if it was another boy we would love it and it would be a welcome addition to our family. We were ready to have a boy.
I charted and I tempted alot of trouble but I wanted to put my all into it and for me it was not very much trouble at all. I wanted to be able to mother a daughter and a son to see both sides.....
WE went to the U/S I was so nervous and I asked what it was, please don't tell me if you aren't sure I was so scared of being disappointed but kept telling myself you want a healthy baby and yep I was happy with that. I left that scan that day and I couldn't believe I was having a little GIRL.....
Now here's the twist she came on the 10th of March this year and after 4 weeks we got some bad news our Ds3 was rushed to emergency and feelings of guilt rushed over me, that little boy I wished was a girl was now very ill, he remained in ICU for 4 days as my newborn lay at home and at the end of that time in hospital he was diagnosed Type 1 diabetic we could have lost him I still today I feel guilt over Gender desire but I try and look at it that these children have been given as a gift I was meant to be their mother and given only what I can handle. That little boy is the light of my life he is gorgeous in so many ways and truly the disappointment you feel doesn't last for long because I am so in love with him he will never know how much he means to me.
People often ask me did you want 4 kids and honestly I did not and that is the truth but have my 4 I couldn't see my life with 2 kids. I was made for this and it is so wonderful to have a house full of noise and laughter and dancing and everything that comes with having 4 children, I honestly would have stopped at 2 children if I had had a girl and boy but someone had different plans for me and I glad it has turned out the way it has.

[Countrydeb]

OMG Melbryan....your story is amazing.....i am too thinking of talking dh into trying for a girl and i am so worried of any complications that may arise whether founded in reality or not........I did think at the beginning of this preg that gender disappointment was the same as gender ? hate,sorry not the word but bit early here can't think....but now i'm nearing my day of delivery i know it's not........I know i will still be marginally disappointed when ds4 slips out with willie and all but i am hoping that when i see him that will fade...I had the same feeling for a nanosecond when ds3 born but he is the light {and the devil} of my life,so i anticipate that this little one will enchant me as well....I have so much guilt surrounding my feelings about his gender and have tried very hard to be honest and upfront about it because it is what it is.....My counsellor cannot understand this guilt as he says after 3 boys i was entitled to really want and hope for a girl.......I also have a warped belief in maybe i don't deserve a girl or what if i have one eventually and something is wrong with her or tempt fate in other ways,will it really make a difference,can we afford it,is it selfish of me,i could go on and on I also feel guilty for interfering with mother nature but then tell myself ,man are inventors we develop these techniques[gender diets/methods etc] with our god given brains why not use them......It's something i will have to decide in the next year as i am 42 and the clock is literally ticking......I reckon the next month or so will decide for me,i will have to confront a few things and will have to see how i react....I would never have thought i would be in this position.......I thoroughly enjoyed your post as i do this whole thread ....You sound like a well-intentioned,insightful woman,congrats on working for what you wanted,you are as entitled as the next....:thumbsup:

[Countrydeb]

Poppygirl....have just reread your post after getting home late from Perth and it seems we feel the same about a lot of things........I too felt before and since scan that i was having a girl,i'd never allowed myself that before and truly wished i hadn't ever after the utter sadness and disappointment that i've gone thru......but we can only feel what we feel and try to be honest if only with ourselves,people who've never felt it have no idea do they? I like you am sick of the "so long as it's healthy" this is an unspoken mantra of any pregnant woman.....and the rest of the inane comments that get passed our way when commenting on gender disappointment......I live in a small town and reckon everyone will be watching me after bub is born to see whether i hate him or treat him bad as i have been very honest and open about my feelings...To be honest now my feelings were that strong i couldn't even pretend to anyone i was remotely happy about the gender,I remember being so confident within me I WAS HAVING A GIRL FINALLY AND I DAMN WELL DESERVED IT.........but was i wrong and maybe i didn't deserve it after all.......I totally get you about the boy clothes,I have bought a couple of cute outfits for bub but i am not gushing over them like the girl clothes i bought prescan.....I use to get those girl clothes out and lay them on my belly and dream away,silly,tempting fate i know but didn't i deserve this after 3 boys ......This has been a huge learning curve for me as i now validate everyone else's feeling about stuff which before i would have thought"get over it" so maybe that was my lesson in life ....If i was you i'd be doing the girl stuff and favouring the odds as much as you can,it doesn't sound easy for you to conceive as it is and i reckon the girl method is tricky,but that's up to you lovey....thanks again for hearing my story,i enjoy hearing yours and others,it's nice to know i'm not alone in this and many other things.....Congrats on the weight -loss too,that will be my next hurdle have about 40 kilo's to lose....always something hey>>>>>>>:wave:

[Luna Lovegood]

With DD, DH and I decided we were not going find out the gender as there had been so many complication we wanted something in the pregnancy to be excited about. We bought everything unisex, and 1 girls 'coming home' outfit, and 1 boys 'coming home' outfit. We had both a girl and boy's name chosen, but I did desperately want a girl.

At 36 week we had some bad new regarded the baby so we asked to find out the baby's gender incase we lost her and we wanted some good news to share with our family. When I found out DD was a girl I was over the moon...To be honest I don;t know if I would be any less happy if I had a boy.

As for the next baby- I would probably like a girl again- we have had a boy in Feb this year, he just left us before he arrived, and for some reason I now don't want a boy at all...(yes, that is stupid logic).

[bronny-jane]

when i was pg with my 3rd i really wanted a boy.. badly wanted a son;)
at 11 weeks i had a huge bleed, was told i had lost the baby.. but a scan showed otherwise... i was so humbled that the baby was ok, gender wasnt important, i just wanted a healthy baby.. turned out i was having a girl;)

then when we found out we were having number 4, of course we wanted a son.. when we found out, i was in disbelief :laughing:.. it was a great ending..

ive never been disappointed, babys are so cute, i fall under their spell quick;)

[TTCin2009]

I would love a little girl and would secretly be disappointed if it was a boy :o DH on the other hand would prefer a boy.

[BazzasMum]

I have 2 boys. When I was told DS1 was going to be a girl I was disappointed but didn't quite feel right. True enough, he was born male and I was happy. When DS2 came along I knew all through the pregnancy it was another boy. I was glad, even said I didn't know what I would do with a girl.

Now I want number 3, but I want a little girl. For all the reaons stated before - not because I particularly like pink or makeup, but because of the relationship I now have with my own mother.

So I need to be sure before falling pregnant that I will still be comfortable having another boy, as the odds are kind of stacked against me. I would love the child either way, but want a little princess of my own. It might take some time, not to mention convincing DH!

[Countrydeb]

Well I had my 4th son on the 8th 0f sept and I confess to being disappointed that the willie hadn't fallen off.......But felt ok if not totally in cloud 9 .....I have found tho that as the days pass my longing for a daughter have not diminished one bit ,if anything now i have the 'wishes',wish i could have been having twins[wtf] so i could have my gorgeous boy and my girl as well,that to me seems like it would be the ideal situation........i suppose that would allay my guilt at not being totally happy with my boy.....And try talking about gender disatisfaction after you've had your child,hardly anyone will go there with me....like i feel it's such a sinful subject........I don't stop and address it very much myself because it is so sad for me and right now i can't do anything about it, ,,,,,And i don't want to lessen my feelings for my boy,i truly don't .....he is gorgeous and such a good bub,i probably don't deserve him......I just feel i don't have much control over this desire yet....i mean i was shopping in big w the other day and walking around the baby clothes aisle and a sob came out of me,nothing loud or earth shattering but i couldn't even look at the girl stuff after that....worse thing i was trying to buy bub an outfit for some family photos and there was just crap for boys ....it's all so boring to me,........I look at my sil's little girl and just selfishly wish that it was me.....I am hoping time will help and maybe come 6 months or so it won't matter :fingerscrossed:

[joalisha]

:yes: Well i think ive very lucky! my husband and I really wanted a girl ! and the rest of my family, as it was the 1st grandaughter! and when at my 1st scan showed it was a girl we were so excited! my DD is now 18 months and trying for our next baby, now we so hoping for a boy! well my hubby is more than me! i dont mind, i would love my DD is have a sister as i never had one, but would love her to have a brother! What ever god decides! :smiliedance:

[Livy]

I really wanted a boy for our first baby - but after taking 12 months to conceive it became much less important and I realised how lucky I would be just to have a healthy baby. We didn't find out the sex and I had a perfect little boy 2 days before his due date. I am now 19 weeks pregnant with my second son - we just found out a week ago. I would like a daughter - but I am seriously stoked that I am one of the lucky ones that gets to have healthy kids. We might try again - but it won't be for a girl specifically - it will be because we want another baby to love. I can't believe how negative people get after you have two or more kids of the same sex ... I have been waiting for the sympathy cards to start arriving :laughing: I think it is particulary silly that every man is expected to have a son or his life is incomplete almost ... I think it's an old school thing :confused:

[RHJ]

Countrydeb- i certainly understand your feelings. I desperately wanted my 3rd bub to be a girl. I didn't find out the sex of my first 2 during pregnancy, but with my 3rd, i HAD to know. I would never have gotten over the guilt if i had cried when he was born because he was a boy and not a girl.
I wanted my first 2 to be boys, but my 3rd, i really wanted that girl. My heart still sinks when i hear of other mothers who are pregnant with girls, knowing it will never be me. It is all the things in the future that i long for... the wedding of my daughter, being welcomed into the delivery suite first (if not during labour) being the first person they want to tell etc. The boys parents are always "the inlaws" and never seem to come first. It is the Girls mum they call first for advice, or for baby sitting. It is usually her parents that She wants to take care of her kids etc. I know it isn't always the case, but it is way more common. I just feel that once my boys are off in the big wide world and married, we just won't be as important to them anymore.

It is so hard to ever get over gender disappointment, and i am not sure i ever will. I adore my boys, and wouldn't swap them. but i do greive for a daughter i will never hold, never talk with, and never have.

[sarahsboys]

CountryDeb, so sorry to hear that you arent getting the girl you wished for. Did you try anything to influence the odds of getting a girl. We have just found out we are pregnant with our 4th child, so far have 3 boys and would love a girl too. I researched the Shettles theory and have tried to implement it as best as possible sofingers crossed. I know I will too cry if its another boy, not for the child but for the girl I will never have.. I have even bought some girls clothes with each pregnancy that I have kept (silly I know). To make it even harder DS1 really really wants a sister. He says we have enough boys mummy, we should have a girl! If only it was that easy LOL

Hayden/Ryan/Joel - hello remember me from our July bubs? How are you going with the 3 boys? Its full on isnt it! Not tempted to try just one more time.....? We are pregnant (just) due in June with bub#4 :fingerscrossed: for that elusive girl:o

[RHJ]

Yes, i certainly remember you sarah :D No, we have well and truly finished ours, so i won't ever get my girl (unless something drastic happens) DH has now had the snip. He wasn't keen on 3 anyway, he only wanted 2, but i feel our family is complete now with 3, so won't be getting a daughter.
My fingers are crossed for you for a little girl this time sarah! will you be finding out at 20 weeks?

[mimsie]

I definitely did. For my first I wanted a girl and we waited until birth to find out. I still remember that moment of 'oh' when they held him up and said he was a boy and it did have some impact on me, we couldn't have found out sex at u/s anyway, he wasn't showing us, and they did mention that to us at the time, about it being a good thing we didn't want to know. With my second, I dearly wanted a girl, and they couldn't see at our u/s. I ended up having later ones and we were told it was.

This time around my initial hope is for a girl, mostly because my girl now is a tomboy and I don't get to buy anything girly, LOL dumb or what?! There are SO many cute clothes around now that I missed with her (she was really tiny and lived in romper suits for 12 months at least - country town). I'd like to experience that - plus my best friend has a 1yo girl so I'm sort of seeing her and going aww I want one... so I'm working fairly hard on not concentrating on it, and starting to think that me being pregnant and me feeling like I want a girl go together since it's happened automatically every time, lol.

I also have a feeling that DS will be happier with the idea of a baby if it's a boy! And that could make the transition easier. DD won't care either way and has said as much before but DS isn't too keen on another baby, let alone another sister, lol

[sarahsboys]

Yes, i certainly remember you sarah :D No, we have well and truly finished ours, so i won't ever get my girl (unless something drastic happens) DH has now had the snip. He wasn't keen on 3 anyway, he only wanted 2, but i feel our family is complete now with 3, so won't be getting a daughter.
My fingers are crossed for you for a little girl this time sarah! will you be finding out at 20 weeks?

Hello:D, Yes definately finding out, cant wait... Last time they could see at 12 weeks so:fingerscrossed:

[RHJ]

Good luck sarah! will be watching out for your announcement! Will also be praying for a little pink bundle of joy for you!

[nick's mum]

My heart still sinks when i hear of other mothers who are pregnant with girls, knowing it will never be me. It is all the things in the future that i long for... the wedding of my daughter, being welcomed into the delivery suite first (if not during labour) being the first person they want to tell etc. The boys parents are always "the inlaws" and never seem to come first. It is the Girls mum they call first for advice, or for baby sitting. It is usually her parents that She wants to take care of her kids etc. I know it isn't always the case, but it is way more common. I just feel that once my boys are off in the big wide world and married, we just won't be as important to them anymore.


I think that's it - I adore my 2 boys and love them to bits....but when they are adults - boys don't tend to be as close to their mums in the same way. It's the mother/daughter relationship when all the kids have grown up that I hope for. I've heard boys are harder as children (much more active can't sit still) but girls are harder as teenagers (emotional/moody stage) but (strangely enough) I look forward to that relationship building time. Boys love their mums but its still different.

[Countrydeb]

I am amazed at how this thread has grown,it's such an interesting topic and i know for me it has been a lifesaver.......my gender disappointment is still here ,much less than before but it rears it's ugly head now and then......i can't look at baby girls without feeling a knife twist in my gut,last week i heard of someone who had their 2nd baby after a boy first,what would you know a bloody girl...i mean how the hell do they do it...i couldn't even be happy for this woman and i felt so cold about it all......I have tunnel vision when i go shopping so i can't really see all those wonderful pink things and frilly clothes that are out and about,i still can't bond with my niece and feel awkward with my sil.....there is still sometimes a sense of why her and not me too?????????..Saying all that i love my bub,he is the bestest baby,and i'm enjoying watching him grow,the whole family lives for his smiles and gurgles......but the big question is do i risk it to try for a pink one and will it even be possible,or what i really think it will be...I know if i didn't have health issues i would go again but i do so need to do something about them first......
I see a lot of the ladies here have managed to get the gender of their dreams and it does make me want to try.....I wish i had a crystal ball and could see the future :p Congrats to all the ladies who've got their wishes and good luck to all the ladies trying...:fingerscrossed::fingerscrossed: for the gender you desire{as well as a healthy bub}

[nick's mum]

Agree with everything you said. My sister is pregnant with her 2nd. I have 2 boys and she has 1 boy and she is only thinking of girl names..... she will find out the sex very soon. Part of me hopes she has another boy like me (mean of me I know) but part of me hopes she does get her little girl. She is only have 2 and I've always wanted 3 (although I don't cope well with pregnancy). I figure I can borrow my niece for the girly stuff and hopefully have a close relationship when she is older. I think she finds out in a weeks or so

[AngelAndy777]

Hi,
It's such a sensitive subject I know. I can't discuss this with too many people because I know that it is considered selfish to want a particularly gender, but I can't help but feel sad. I recently found out at my 20 week scan that I'm having a girl, but all this time I've been thinking it was a boy. I've always dreamed of having a boy first, and even tried timing the conception for a boy, but it wasn't to be.
I'm not sure why I wanted a boy so much. I cried for a few days after finding out, but I'm slowly coming around to the idea of having a girl and starting to look at all the pretty things with some more interest now.
My advice is to anyone with a particular gender preference is to find out the sex at the 20 week mark so it gives you time to get over any initial disappointment and move forward. Gender disappointment is very real and I completely understand how people feel trapped in feeling as though they can't discuss it. xo
:hugs: