How can I control my 3 1/2 yr old dd???

[Lin]

I'm feeling like such a failure of a mother! I don't seem to have any control or respect from my 3 1/2 yr old dd!
Within the last month or so, she's really started to get worse with her attitude and behaviour and I can't seem to disipline her in any way!
If she's naughty I'll try to sit her in the 'naughty spot' or even send her to her room sometimes and she'll just fly back at me and shout "no I won't" or "I don't want to!". if I force her to stay there, she'll just try to get off and run away. She hits and bites, kicks and screams and no matter what I do or say she just will not do as she's told! I've even tried smacking but that doesn't work because she'll just hit back or the latest comment is "didn't hurt!"

I'm going out of my mind! She's virtually not getting punished for the bad things she does because she's either leaving the spot or lashing back out at me when I try. I can't even reason with her calmly about what she's doing wrong because she'll just turn away and go "humph!" and not even listen! I'm just at my wits end and I don't know what to do! I can't ever remember treating my parents like this (they've said none of us kids ever acted like that). She'll always say she doesn't like me and wants me to go away forever etc and it just makes me feel like crawling into a hole and staying there. (she does the same to dh as well). I just can't believe she's so rude

But I just don't get the attitude! One minute she'll be fine and helpful then all of a sudden it's like a switch flicks and she's lashing out. She seems to think it's fun drawing on walls, pooring drinks on the floor, she'll pick on her little sister, jumping on the furniture....the list goes on! She knows she's not allowed to do it and she likes to push the boundries etc. But how on earth do I control it???? I'm at the stage I just break down in front of her because I just don't have her respect.
PS - when she's in a good mood, she's just an angel it's just when this other side of her comes out I just don't know what to do!
I involve her in everything - cooking, games crafts etc but she's still got this attitude about her so I don't understand where it's all coming from.
Please help me to crawl back out of my hole again! What can I do?? :rain:

[monkeytoes]

I too have a challenging 3yr old. I think it is partly to do with the age, so you should stop beating yourself up for it. We're into "Troublesome Three territory" and they are testing the boundaries and asserting themselves as individuals. I think by this age they have definately worked out how to get our attention and what annoys us the most.

Sorry, I don't have much advice, just sympathy.:hugs:

[sweetsugardumplin']

:hugs: Everyone goes on about the terrible twos :rolleyes: but three year olds can really take the cake!

As well as being a Mumma, I work with students/parents on this exact same topic!

The main advice I can give is consistancy, encouragement and reinforcement.

Firstly, pick your battles: can you ignore some innappropriate behaviour and focus on other stuff?

Lavish her with praise and encouragement when she does the right thing. :yelclap:( even if it is a bit OTT)

Finally, and this is gunna be the hard one, be consistant with your response to her misbehaviour.

Are you comfortable with using the `naughty spot' or sending her to her room?

If not, find an alternative. The 1,2,3 approach can be effective, as it enables ch'n to feel like they have some control (and often misbehaviour can be a result of the child feeling they have no control/power in their lives)

Also, change the environment to make your life easier: if she tips water on the floor, then use a sippy cup, if she draws on the wall with textas, the textas go away, if she won't pack up her toys, then limit the amount of toys she plays with.

It's important to articulate this to her as well, so when she tips out her water, you say "Oh, I see we need to use sippy cup, because you can't keep your water in your cup" Being a big girl/boy and all the special attributes that go along with that are very important to ch'n over the age of three.................so use it!!!! ;)

When she is rude and says those hurtful things, just walk away............(and feel your sadness away from her)

Now it's gunna get worse before it gets better, because she will revolt against you using these techniques (if you use them) so try not to freak out and think `this is not helping, it's making it worse!!!!!' :hair:

Hang in there babe, PM me if any of this helps, or doesn't or you would like more info.

Sweet
x

[HousebumMum]

:iagree: I have also toned down my voice, so instead of yelling, I just say quietly and firmly that the textas, toys, etc. are going away until she can use them properly or if it is her fighting with her brother she has to say sorry first before I let her continue to play.

I have found, if I give her too many chances, she will think I am not serious about punishing her, so I do the 1,2,3 techniques as well and it works so well! We get to 2 and she stops what she is doing straight away. It's win win, because she doesn't get 'Time-Out' or smacked, I can stay calm (which is really important!) and it shows that she respects my authority.

There are still moments where she doesn't listen at all and gets a Time-Out or whatever, but overall she is pretty good.

[codswallop]

its hard!!!!
sugarsweetdumplings has givin you some great advise!
try to praise her every time she is doing somthing good(even if its just watching play school "thats great TV watching your doing!!!") and completely ignore unwanted behaviour(that not dangerous like when they swing off your arms just turn and walk away, the only thing a toddler really hates is not having a audience!)

if all else fails you may have to think about removing all her toys from her room, pack them all up in big boxes and only get them out for her to play with when she is behaving
good luck and remember we all have 3 year olds going on 14!!!

[MummaBear03]

It's taken me a while, but I found that trying to control my child was leading to worse behaviour. Instead, now I guide her and the focus is on making good choices or poor choices. Everything she does is her choice, and she likes to always make good choices and be praised for making good choices, so all I do now is gently guide her to what the good choice would be, and what a poor choice would be. Not 100% effective at all times, but what is? I found it works better than me trying to control what she does.

Also just remember that 3 is a very challenging age. I don't care what people say about 2 year olds, 3 is probably the most challenging age for children. It's not that your failing, it's that you have a little kid who has discovered independence and wants to use it, but doesn't have the maturity to know how to use it properly yet.