Looking for some sympathy!

[javic]

I have an 11 month old who co-sleeps and breastfeeds about 12 times a day/night-waking every two hours in the night to suckle back to sleep.
It has been a lovely experience for the most part however recently I've been trying to get out of those habits, started to feel I want my bed back and I'd like to sleep a whole night through! Unfortunately, it is not easy. My husband hates to let bub cry but we tried methods of rocking etc instead for a few nights but by the end of that I was so exhausted and sleep deprived and stressed I felt on the verge of a breakdown. After that I don't know what else to do. I got the "No Cry Sleep Solution" book but the methods don't seem to work for my bub. Or at least not without crying!
I want to try a controlled crying method but my husband won't support me and says he'll have to be out of the house for that. I just don't know how I'll do it alone.
My real problem is though that I'm starting to feel like such a failure of a mother. Everyone seems to have a child that sleeps through the night except for me and I feel like I have done everything wrong from the beginning and failed miserably at this job. I am starting to resent by bub also for being so resistant to change and for waking up all the time. I feel like I've become obsessed with making sure bub gets more sleep and the strain of it is taking it's toll on me, but I don't know how to switch off.
If anyone has some advice I'd really appreciate it. But more than anything I feel I need to know I'm not alone! I'm so drained by it all I feel I'm heading for depression. My husband doesn't seem to understand or care what it is like for me and no one else can help.
I hate the way that I feel about our co-sleeping now too as it was once such a beautiful, happy, restful experience but now I lie there stiff with all my muscles tensed trying not to move or make any noise in case I wake bub. My body aches after a nights sleep like that and I'm unable to sleep enough at night or nap during the day because I feel too tense. That just makes me more stressed and unhappy. What should I do?

[Mrs Nietzsche]

Javic - I could have written your post a month ago. I did night wean DS and it has been the best move. I did feel sad, and mean, but he now sleeps so much better and I am not spending those awful nights lying rigid next to him (busting for loo half the time).

It did work quickly for me, but I used this method that does it in stages.. http://www.drjaygordon.com/development/ap/sleep.asp

[Urban Tumbleweed]

Sending some sympathy your way :hugs:

I can imagine how tiring and frustrating this must be for you. We had a baby sleep consultant come to our home when our bubs was only 5 weeks old. She got us into a great routine and our son has slept through the night from 6-7 weeks old. Believe me he went from one extreme to the other in only a week.

I guess what I'm saying is that it might be worthwhile for you to contact a baby sleep consultant in your area. Ours is a midwife at the hospital where I had DS but her brochures were also in the waiting rooms of our OB and Pediatrician's office. They usually help with baby's and children up until 3 years old.

Sometimes it helps to have somebody that deals with this kind of thing everyday come in and give you some new ideas and tips on how to improve your situation :)

[carlylee]

Please do not feela failure. I can relate to you. My 3 year old still co-sleeps we have only just managed to get him to go to sleep in his own bed with either my partner or I laying with him. He then moves into our bed at midnight.
My 5 mnth old feeds 14 times on average during the day and up until recently he was feeding up to 20 times in a 24 hour period. He has never sleptx through and has 3 20min cat naps durin the day. He is currently also waking 6 times a night and I feel the only reason he is not co-sleeping is beacuse it is way to unsafe with our 3 year old also in the bed kicking in all sorts of directions.

I feel for you and though I am not sure where you live have you thought of contacting Tresillian or a similar sleep school. I am lucky my husband is supportive of what we control comforting howver I have not yet been able to bring myself to do this. Sorry this is very long winded but you sound like a great mum doin the best for her baby. I will admit that my bubs has me wrapped around his tiny finger.
Take care

[javic]

Thanks sooo much guys for your replies. '

Maire, I hope to try that link you sent once I am feeling a bit better. I think I probably need to feel less emotionally fragile before I embark upon something like that. But it's so great to have hope knowing it worked out for you.

Carlylee, thanks for letting me know you are also having sleepless night - I don't know how you manage with two to look after - you must be so strong! And I really felt better reading the nice things you said. Your bubs are lucky to have you - thats for sure :)

Meeska, thanks for your post. I heard about them but I got the impression it involves putting bub in their own cot and leaving them to cry? If I can't work it out soon though I might try a sleep consultant. I just don't want them to ask me to leave bub to cry... but if nothing else works I'll probably give in!

Thanks again - I am really feeling a bit revived now hearing from you all!

[MothersMilk]

I can completely relate - my DD was in our bed still at 12 months because she was such an awful sleeper and it the only way i could any sleep (she was in her own room but i was getting up to her so often i started taking her back to bed and then she got used to it and wouldn't settle elsewhere :()- The little sleep i got was uncomfortable and i never felt rested. She would wake several times a night and i felt i had really failed as a mother. I was crying all the time and it was becoming a real problem.
I hit my breaking point and made the tough decision to try cc (believe me it was after trying all kinds of gentler methods to no avail)- we first got her used to a portacot besides our bed then in her own room.
CC really worked for my DD - she would fall asleep quite quickly with minimal crying and after a week we was going down awake and falling asleep within minutes (no crying at all) and sleeping 12 hours straight. I was so relieved and very glad i did. It's not for everyone but it worked for me and saved my sanity.
Good luck with ever you decide and i hope you get some decent sleep soon :hugs:

[Bubmum]

You wrote the post that I want to write every day! I try to get DD to sleep, and then have a few hours to myself..I am so over bfing her a thousand times a day, I am so tired of the super cling :crying:. She is 13 months old now...people keep saying they will grow out of it, but at this rate I'll be feedign her during lunch hour.......at University.
On Monday I managed to rock her off to sleep after half the night..it's too exhausting. And now she has a double ear infection, and can't sleep without me holding her, and I have had about 2 hours sleep in the last 2 days.
I am a single parent, so it is all up to me what I do at the end of the day....so I am going to keep wishing and hoping that she grows out of it. And read Marie's link...magic cure, I hope.

[whiteroses]

You poor thing. You came to the right place to get some sympathy. There are so many other people who have babies who don't sleep all night. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job and responding in such a loving way to your baby. Don't be hard on yourself.

Our little one has co-slept only at certain times when he's teething or something. Mostly he's in his own cot, but he has never slept through the night. Up until last week I was getting up anywhere up to 12 times a night to either feed or just settle him back to sleep. I almost went insane because the most sleep I got in a block in 9 months was three hours. I ended up seeking the help of a sleep consultant who came to our home, and it has been a great help. It has taken a couple of weeks after her visit, but he is now sleeping much longer stretches overnight. Last night I got up only once, for the first time ever!! And i am happy to recommend the methods because I too was very opposed to letting him cry. The methods I used are from the book called 'Safe Sleep Space'. It does involve putting the bub in his own cot and leaving him to put himself to sleep, but you never leave him to get distressed. You put him in his cot and give him a kiss and walk out of the room. He will most likely yell out and grizzle, but as soon as he sounds distressed, you go right back in and calm him down. And the method even involves your picking him up and feeding him to sleep if you can't settle him down after going in and out of the room for about 15 minutes (you never leave the room until he's calm). It's a very gentle approach. The thrust of it is to respond consistently every time you put him to bed, and very soon he will know exactly what is going on and will feel safe and secure with what you are doing, and will then relax and feel able to learn to go to sleep without your help, eventually. It really worked for us because it's so gentle and allows you to respond to your bub's emotional needs, never letting him get distressed and upset. But the repetition and the consistency still teaches him it's okay to go to sleep in his cot without you, meaning he will eventually learn to settle himself overnight when he wakes, without your intervention. It's working for us.

Sorry this is long, but I thought you might find it useful. I think that even though you've co-slept, if you want to get him into his own cot, this could work because you just do a little bit of the settling on the first day, and as he gets to predict what is going on, you give him a little bit longer every time to get himself to sleep before you pick him up and cuddle him to sleep or BF or whatever. It eases him into the whole routine. You have to be in a mental place where you can dedicate yourself to it for probably a couple of weeks.

I hope that helps. Safe Sleep Space has a website, and they have a book and DVD as well as consultants who can help.

Take care and look after yourself. Sleep deprivation is so punishing, but you need to remember you're doing a fantastic job.

[Urban Tumbleweed]

I hit my breaking point and made the tough decision to try cc (believe me it was after trying all kinds of gentler methods to no avail)- we first got her used to a portacot besides our bed then in her own room.
CC really worked for my DD - she would fall asleep quite quickly with minimal crying and after a week we was going down awake and falling asleep within minutes (no crying at all) and sleeping 12 hours straight. I was so relieved and very glad i did. It's not for everyone but it worked for me and saved my sanity.
Good luck with ever you decide and i hope you get some decent sleep soon :hugs:

This is pretty much our story aswell, after a week we had a self settling baby :yes:

The sleep consultant was great and because we started so young we would only leave DS for a few minutes at a time.

Goodluck with whatever you decide to try!

[workin'mumof2]

Your not alone lol.

except my daughter is nearly 17months and feeds regularly during the day (especially if we stay home) and still wakes up for it during the night.

i find im used to it now because she can attach herself i sleep through her feeds. however my dh complains that he hears her before she attaches:o

i hope you find some answers soon if your not coping :hugs:

but im not stoping cosleeping till she is ready. (plus my nearly 3year old still gets in bed with us every night :rolleyes:)

[Mrs Nietzsche]

Hi - I hope you do read that link. It doesn't involve leaving the baby to cry or anything like that. Basically you feed the baby to the point of sleep the first few nights, then rock the rest of the way. The baby will be relaxed enough that they *will* cry, but not wake up or lose it. After a few nights you swap to rocking and singing, or w/e.

The guy emphasises that a baby who has been given lots of cuddles in a secure environment will nto be hurt by this - angry yes - hurt no.

DS still needs a tap on the thigh a few times a night but its ilke a 15 second thing - he switched off the comfort sucking during the night very quickly.

It *did* take grit the first night.. so you need to wait til you are all emotionally ready.

My husband also cannot take the baby crying. I had to tell him just to leave bceause it really is not helpful to have that added pressure.

DS and I still have a great breastfeeding relationship, I still feed him to sleep for all his naps & night time sleep and he has boob in the morning. He just figured out very quickly that if he stirred in his sleep, he didn't get boob, he got cuddles.

[Hollywood]

OMG :eek: You and your DH/DS are EXACTLY like me and my DH/DS!!! Our situation approximately 18 months ago was so like yours, it's freaky :yes:. Although my DH is totally against anything even remotely like CC, whether he's around or not (ie, it wouldn't have been a matter of him just 'going away' whilst I did it, he was flat out against the idea all together).

I was desperate at one point, but my DH was so focused on us just doing what he thought was right by DS, that he didn't really care that I was totally sleep deprived and exhausted. So to keep the peace, I just rode out the worst times, just praying that it would get better. At one point DS was waking for a BF every 1.5 hours :dizzy:. I didn't know if I was coming or going. So so tired

Here comes the good bit though.....it did get better!! :yes: Fast forward to now, DS is just over 2.5 y.o. and most days doesn't have a day nap. His bed time, if he hasn't had a nap, is 7pm :smiliedance: And he sleeps REALLY well (still cosleeping!) and generally wakes at anywhere from 7am - 8am. He still stirs and literally asks for "Milk" at least once most nights, generally that happens when I climb into bed at around 10:30 to 11pm, sometimes it might be later at about 4/5am. Very occasionally not at all, but compared to every 1.5 hours, I can handle being disturbed once.

So that's our story of how we let nature take its course and left it up to DS to decide when to require less resettling. It was bloody tough at times, and at the worst of it I really resented DH for not letting me take any control. But you know what? I have lived to tell the tale, and I now love cosleeping once again and feel so happy that I am giving DS all the emotional support he needs when he's still so little.

So do whatever works for you, but in the event that you choose to ride this out, just know that it will all get better in time (quicker than you know). Follow your heart at all times and I'm sure you'll come up with a solution.

[Mummy2R&K]

Whilst I can't really relate on many levels I can give you a tip I have picked up.

DD would barely sleep during the day and I could not resettle her. Because she would associate being upset and me coming to get her, so I have eliminated that.

What I have done is, I have hooked over a wrap/sheet on the side of the cot and cliped it with bulldog clips so it can't fall down. The she can not see me or more exciting things in her room. Took the mobile out too.

Bed times I wrap her, dummy, then give her a bit of a cuddle until I see her eyes starting to go. Then I put her in the cot, where she may have her eyes wide open again :rolleyes: anyways i then duck down so she can't see me and i put my arm through the cot under the sheet that is up. I then put the dummy back in if she's spat it out and put my hand on her chest and either pat her or gently rock her until she starts to doze off again. Sometimes just having the pressure of my hand there is enough, depending on how grizzly this is. Then I crawl out of the room. I use this at night if needed too, but obviously lights out.

I have been doing this since Monday and OMG what a big improvement already! I got a three hour sleep out of her today, and at other times she does wake up after the 40min sleep cycle I will again put my hand under the sheet thru the cot and repeat.......she will usually go back to sleep but before hand if i just picked her up she wouldn't. I think it's because she can't see me and doesn't use that association anymore. She literally self settles.

I think your bubs is just using your boobies as a dummy and isn't necessarily hungry??

HTH.

[luvmyboys]

Don't feel like you're the only one whose baby isn't sleeping through, I actually usually worry more for the ones who sleep through from a young age.:)
We too went through breastfeeding and cosleeping but I just couldn't sleep properly with ds in the bed so we coslept with firstly a sidecar arrangement with his cot from about 6 months and later with a matress on the floor next to the bed. He is now just over 3 and sleeps through but it is still usually on the mattress next to our bed. We are now working on getting him to stay in his room but at least we all get a good night sleep and it is STRESS FREE. It usually gets better with time.

[montecarlo]

I totally get what you are saying. I had no idea how stressful the whole baby sleep thing gets and, like you, I have been totally obsessed over how many hours my little man gets, sleep cycles etc. The no-cry sleep solution book ideas didn’t work for us either. DS cried more than ever and I felt just so guilty every time he even so much as whimpered. You seem very clear about what you want/need to do and you sound like a really caring, beautiful Mum. I have read heaps of books on settling to sleep and the things they all stress include the need to be consistent and to do what feels right for you. The other element that will be important is support. If you husband is not able to provide this then is there someone else, like a good friend or family member that can hold your hand while your child learns to sleep without your breast? I found the book titled The Sleep Easy Solution by Jennifer Waldburger & Jill Spivack really helpful in explaining crying and protesting change. What they say resonated with me and it might help your husband to understand better and therefore support you. Save our Sleep by Tizzie Hall I found really helpful to get my 5 month old onto a feed/sleep routine and to further understand crying. I guess I have used a mix of both these books, along with my knowledge of my son and what felt right for me/him. The transition from co-sleeping to cot was a lot easier than I anticipated too. DS seems to love his cot, and so he should! - I totally broke the budget and bought the gorgeous Leander cot bed. He wears gorgeous merino pj’s too! The sleep-orientated retail therapy really helped!
Sleep deprivation is so hard to cope with and it sounds like you are truly a wonderful Mummy. It doesn’t sound like you are failing as a Mum AT ALL.
Take care

[carlylee]

I have been reading some very supportive things from this post and also find your stories comforting. I apologize for my previous spelling errors as it is difficult typing with one arm (bubs bouncing away in the other) and with sleep deprivation. javic please keep us posted on how u go whatever your decision it is will be the right one and know that when your up at 1, 2, 3 or whenever in the morning there is someone else up feeling the same as you.

[javic]

TysonsMummy - Thanks for letting me know it does get better naturally. I read a book saying it won't change unless we make it change. That scared me! I think it's very admirable that you respected your husband's opinion so much. When I am feeling so tired, I must say, I get quite peeved at my hubby for being so obstinant! But I am sure when we're past this that I will be glad he didn't let me make bub cry it out - let's hope!!

Lovemyboys - your arrangment sounds quite ideal! Hope I will get there one day.

Montecarlo - thanks so much for the kind words, and for the ideas on which literature might be worthwhile. I'll see if I can get those at my library.

Mummy2R&K - As soon as bub sees me in the night he wants bub, with my husband he'll be so much calmer. Maybe I need to cover myself in a sheet so he can't tell it's me! ;)

I am so amazed and comforted by all the support I've received here. It's reassuring to know that others out there have been through these things - even tougher than my own situation.

I am feeling soooo much better today. Not that I got a good night's sleep but I did have a big cry :) After that I realised that stressing and obsessing was probably going to make me ill if I didn't stop and that I'd surely feel much better if I tried to stay positive about it all.

So, I'm just trying to do my best to be positive for now and to keep bubs happy. I've been making some small changes - but ones that won't upset him. Giving him bottles before bed (before I breastfeed him to sleep that is) in the hope that this will fill him up and make him sleepy first! We've also introduced massage before bed. I'm also trying to get him sleeping on his own mattress next to ours. He seems to like all these changes so far, and I hope if we can get him used to these it might make it easier to make the BIG change in future - the no-nighttime-boobie change!

I will try to let you know how i go - but might be a few weeks away yet.

Thanks so much again to everyone. :hugs: