Separation after only 6 months?

[Luvmyfam]

Hi all,
I really need some advice. My DH is behaving really selfishly atm. But my prob is, this is not the only occasion. We only married 6 months ago but we have been together for over 10 years (with a break in between). Normally, I would have been an absolute mess with the way he is behaving but I am not. I am numb and haven't cried once. One example was he took days off from work to "recover"from a weekend with the boys. He was due to return to work on THE SAME day I had a VERY important issue to be dealt with in a court. I have never been in a courtroom and was taking the whole thing rather hardly. Now he has heaps of leave so that wasn't a prob, he never asked if I am ok, needed to chat, etc. 3 of my best friends, my mum, my dad all asked if I wanted them to come along? Not DH.
My worry is I am not upset, just over it. Could I no longer be in love with him? Atm I really don't like him, sounds awful, but I don't like the person he is atm. We have had probs before stemming from the same issues, went to counselling, changed for a while, then here we are again. I just feel like its something that will never change and I don't want to be a doormat. I feel like I have replaced his mother. I want to be partner and made to feel like woman. I am just not feeling that and I don't want my daughter to grow up thinking "dad treated mum like crap but she put up with it, stupid her?" We only married 6 months ago. That fact really breaks my heart. Is there anyone else out there that faced problems like this so soon after marriage? Any advice would be greatly appreciated I am so confused. Thanks in advance!

[MissMetal]

sorry i have no advice but wanted to give you some of these :hugs::hugs::hugs:

[DreamBelieveAchieve]

:hugs:This is exactly how my marriage went and in the end i had just had enough. I also wanted to add though that the 1st year of marriage is always the hardest. Could you maybe give councelling another go to see if it works this time?

[DanceInTheRain]

I got seperated after 8 months of marriage after being with my ex for nearly 5 years. It wasn't marriage that changed us- it was a mistake to get married because our relationship was already bad. He had anger and drug problems and I resented him for it and lost all respect for him. Getting married to him was a big mistake to make but one that has made me so much stronger. I now have an amazing partner who has shown me the meaning of a great relationship. I can honestly say I've never been happier.

Our situations are quite different I know, but what I'm saying is if you don't see things getting better, if you have exhausted every option and if you have lost the love and respect for each other then it's perfectly okay to leave, it doesn't matter how long you have been married. As long as it is what you really want.

Was I 'embarrassed' leaving after such a short time? Yes. Do I care now? Not at all! It was the best decision I ever made. I am now madly in love with someone who would never lay a hand on me, who treats me with respect and love.

Good luck with your decision, but I think the first step you should take is to talk with your hubby about it. All may not be lost- if you don't want it to be. If you do, trust me, you will still be a strong, happy person when you come out the other end. It is tough. It is devastating. But being with the wrong person is more devastating. All that matters in this life is to be happy.

[SurfingDadofTwo]

Hate to sound like an insensitive prick, but lets be honest if he has a history of the same attitude why are you expecting any different?
I know we all expect people to change but history and experience surely suggests that over and over again so many people who say they will change never do - look at domestic abuse situations...

I would suggest you partner is a selfish individual and no amount of counseling will change that unless he wants to, and being honest do you think that is very likely?

I think you need decide what is best for you and your children and stick with it. He is who he is, and unfortunately that is probably going to change any time soon....

Wish you all the luck with your decisions!!

[Luvmyfam]

Thanks for your hugs and advice everyone. Please keep the advice coming. The fact I am not feeling much towards him at the moment and my gut is telling me nothing will change seems seems to only point to one option. But I will do what I can, the rest I guess is up to him. I feel so stupid for getting married. Surfingdadoftwo- You don't sound like an insensitive prick, just one aspect of laying all the cards on the table? And we all need that from someone sometimes!
I really worry about my daughter though. She is 4.

[SurfingDadofTwo]

Thanks for your hugs and advice everyone. Please keep the advice coming. The fact I am not feeling much towards him at the moment and my gut is telling me nothing will change seems seems to only point to one option. But I will do what I can, the rest I guess is up to him. I feel so stupid for getting married. Surfingdadoftwo- You don't sound like an insensitive prick, just one aspect of laying all the cards on the table? And we all need that from someone sometimes!
I really worry about my daughter though. She is 4.

Me and the ex broke up when my kids were 1 and 2 1/2 and are now very comfortable with the fact that they are lucky enough to have two homes. My opinion on it is that kids will adapt, especially when loved and respected, and to be in a happy home with one parent is better than an unhappy home with two.

As you may see from my latest post things can go awfully pear shaped and I am just glad I am not involved in it any more, and in a position to create a safe haven for my kids!

Follow your instincts and trust actions not words.

[DreamBelieveAchieve]

I seperated from XH when our kids were 3 months and 2.5 years. They have adapted well. DS1 enjoys spending time with daddy at grandpa's house (they have foxtel so he loves it!) and then is also happy to come home. We don't fight infront of the kids and we never talk about the other negativly to the kids or grill them for what they did at dads.

Kids are very resilliant creatures

[Ardentwhispers]

My son's dad and I lived together for 2 years before getting married. After getting married we were seperated in 6 months - and now (well years ago) divorced.

I think there's something about getting married that makes your way of thinking change. It's suddenly not about right now but forever. Forever with this person might seem okay until it's a reality. It's strange really, as I'd always imagined we'd be together always before being married..it doesn't make sense that it changes, but I think it just does.

Having said that..don't give up too easily. I think it feels better to know you've tried everything before throwing in the towel!

[Luvmyfam]

I really do worry about DD but I know she will adapt. She has heaps of loving support around her (family and friends) but I guess its just the parental guilt thing going on. It just depends on our attitudes towards the whole situation I guess. I know I will be rational (I hope) but my husband, not so sure.

Ardentwhispers- I think what your saying is part of it. I look at the future and think to myself "why the hell would I want to put up with this crap forever more? I can make myself much happier than he can make me?" Why couldn't I see that before we got married? I get angry at times about the whole situation.

Something else happened with my husband which made me question his loyalty to me. I found something in a bag which was used to go away with the boys for a b'day weekend. When I asked him about it he said the boys put it there. That was last year. I believed him and didn't think anything alse about it, until now. I feel so stupid and blind.

I just can't stop thinking about getting married only 6 months ago, what will people think? This really sucks.

Thanks everyone, please keep the posts coming.

[DanceInTheRain]

I just can't stop thinking about getting married only 6 months ago, what will people think? This really sucks.

I know it's hard not to think like this and yes it is embarrassing and I'm not going to lie and say it's easy or that people won't talk about you. They will. People love to gossip. However I had the support of my closest friends and family and that helped enormously.

Your happiness is the only thing that matters, not what other people think of you. To be honest I think what I thought people were going to think or say to me, in reality was a lot different. You'd be surprised how supportive people can be, and the ones that aren't, aren't worth your time or friendship.

[2s'nuff]

:hugs::hugs: do what's right for you and don't worry about what others think or say. They'll soon find someone else to gossip about.

Lisa

[Ardentwhispers]

I just can't stop thinking about getting married only 6 months ago, what will people think? This really sucks.

Thanks everyone, please keep the posts coming.

They'll get over it - and you will learn to laugh about it. Trust me, 8 years on and it's just a blip in my life now!

[Luvmyfam]

Thanks everyone. I know that I shouldn't care what people think but what all those people we invited to the wedding. I feel like if we do go our own ways we should give their gifts back, do you get me? Almost like they have been ripped off.

[Ardentwhispers]

:laughing: If that's all you're worried about it sounds to me as if you're the one that's been ripped off!! I wouldn't worry about things like that :)

[Luvmyfam]

Yeh it sounds ridiculous hey? Its definately not the only thing concerning me, just one of the many things. Thanks everyone, I know what I need to do be happy.