Mother issues

[Rockies]

Hey guy's,

I got an issue that I have been struggling with for a couple of years.

I have 2 son's. 1 who is 9 now.
His Grandma ( my mother ) has seen him 7 or 8 times in his entire life. Most times that is at our request and cost ( she lives in another city to me ).
Up until about 2 years ago she was living a bit of a jet set life. Working in England for most of the year but is now retired and is actually in very poor health now.
For years my son's birthdays pass by with no call let alone presents. When returning from England she would most times either get a direct flight rather than stopping off briefly at our city. Which would not cost any extra at all!!
My father who LIVES in England has seen my son's more often than her ( they split when I was 13 ).

Basically my mother is utterly self-centered and insensitive. She is now asking I call her regularly and pretend we are happy family and expects me to say I love her all the time.
Frankly I don't love her. My childhood was pretty barren in the love and care department. Not abusive but ( if you can imagine ) the kind of childhood a self-centered mother would give. And basically I was an only child as my brother is much older than me.

So what now? Am I suppose to be mature and forgive and forget? Forget that I was not her " favourite " and actually impinged on her life. If I do I do not believe that her ONLY grandsons will get any benefit out of it as she spends little time and even less interest in them. She really is lonely and wants some-one to call occassionally and if we visit play happy families to what friends and relatives she has. It makes me sick and I don't want to do that.

So for anyone who actually bothered to read this novel should I do the " right " thing. Even though there is no dividend pay-out for either me or my children. Just so she can feel and get a little comfort? That I don't think she deserves!

[V8 Crewy]

Maybe let her know where you stand with her.

If she want to play happy families then tell her she needs to earn that right and start putting that extra effort in the familly.

Peronally, I wouldnt hold a grudge and shut her out for life but moreless let time heal it self if she is willing to make it happen and go that extra mile.

Good Luck, Sorry I cant give much more help then that.

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

I would write her a letter, letting her know how you feel and why. It could be very therapeutic for you.

I don't feel you should have to fake it, however maybe if she acknowledges her past behaviour, shows remorse and puts in an effort then perhaps things can be different.

However if not, at least you will have been true to your self and your lovely boys, and you can then move on and not lose any sleep.

Good luck.

[bigbadbrad]

Hi There,

Not an ideal situation but one that your mum has brought on herself.

If she wants more from your relationship after many years of taking it for granted then she has to earn it in my opinion. It is uncool for her to act the way she has and then back flip without some discussion about her behaviour in the past.

I'm not saying you should cut her out but I would be loathe to change the relationship without her at least acknowledging that she has to do a lot more than she has done in the past.

I agree you need to have a discussion (writing things down can come back to bite you) and clarify for her how you feel. It is entirely possible that she has no idea that you are not happy given how self orientated she appears to be.

You also need to outline what you expect from her in the future if she wants to be part of your life so she is clear of you and your boys expectations.

Doubtful this will be easy but wishing you all the best

BBB

[SuperGranny]

hi. I agree with BBB. I think there is no reason for you to now do more, but there is good reason for her to show if she is serious in having a proper relationship with you and her grandsons. I tend to feel a little kindness to her in her advancing years, maybe, but the words from the song, 'Cats in the Cradle' keep coming to my mind. We all reap what we sow. Good luck, Marie.

[sambojambo]

well what ever you do has to sit well in your gut. You cannot pretend its all good here ...thats not truth. We cannot shelter someone from hurt here, she has been absent from your life and i would not call her a grandma, i dont mean to upset your there but she has not been the title "a grand mother"....... i think you need to see her yourself , explain your feelings in a non threatening way , tell her you need to understand her actions. Questions cannot be answered when we are gone. If she wants to be part of your life and a loved valued family member it needs to be earned. I wouldnt do this with a lot of fuel on the fire , i would gently say to her " mum you have been absent in my familys life for a long time and its going to take effort on both of our parts to make this a loving relationship but Im willing to give it a go"

my mum was not loving and i was absolutely not her best daughter but since i moved and had my baby i can honestly say she has become a good friend, when kindness is present i think love and respect starts to grow . Good luck with it i think honesty is best without accusation.:)

[Rockies]

Hi There,

Not an ideal situation but one that your mum has brought on herself.

If she wants more from your relationship after many years of taking it for granted then she has to earn it in my opinion. It is uncool for her to act the way she has and then back flip without some discussion about her behaviour in the past.

I'm not saying you should cut her out but I would be loathe to change the relationship without her at least acknowledging that she has to do a lot more than she has done in the past.

I agree you need to have a discussion (writing things down can come back to bite you) and clarify for her how you feel. It is entirely possible that she has no idea that you are not happy given how self orientated she appears to be.

You also need to outline what you expect from her in the future if she wants to be part of your life so she is clear of you and your boys expectations.

Doubtful this will be easy but wishing you all the best

BBB

I have read a few of your replies in other threads BBB and it astounds me how you are so right on the money! You've got a gift :). You've probably heard it all before, but you've pretty much nailed everything correctly.

She does know I have a problem, however. She is just mystified by what it is and why.
She genuinely thinks she has done the best she could by me. I was utterly loyal to her during the messy divorce with my father.
But as I grew older and then had children of my own I began to realise who and what she is. How short changed my youth had been. I'm a loyal person by nature and through my entire teenage years I stood by my Mother and thought she was great. She really did use that part of my nature to not only get back at my dad but to get away with things using the " poor me " excuse.

I know all this and can see it for what it is. I can see this is what she is like and have accepted that.
Unfortuantely that is absolutely of no help in trying to over-come emotions that just scream " GET HER BACK! ".
Those emotions are immature ( to me ) and I feel that I need to rise above it. I do most times but it's pretty hard to hide that kind of thing. Especially when she is around.

You also hear these self-help books telling you to get peace with you parents otherwise you can't move forward etc. and this is mostly the reason why I have put this thread out there.
I do have peace. I'm quite happy to ignore my Mother and let her drown in the life she has created for herself.
But in the back of my mind I'm feeling a lot of guilt. That I'm not trying hard enough. Not forgiving and forgetting. Not letting go.

Advise telling me to talk or write to her does not feel right. I have talked to her a couple of times but she just breaks down into tears wailing that she did the best she could etc. And I just have to clam up because there is no point in going on. To try and resolve my feelings. Because she really doesn't want to KNOW how I feel. all she can think about is how mean and ungrateful I am.
Probably all I want her to say to me is that she is sorry. And actually mean it. But she is just too stupid.
That is probably how easy it would be with me. I don't hold grudges and never have. But surely if a person acts the way they do and then doesn't apologise for it you have to cut them loose and having nothing to do with them anymore?

Surely that is the way to go? Which is what I'm doing. Why then feel guilty about it?

Emotions, eh? Tough things to get a handle on...
I'm so glad I'm a bloke! Chicks must just go banana's over this kind of stuff :). I might go do the lawns now. That'll make me feel lot's better and make me forget about all this stuff...

[bigbadbrad]

Look,

The only thing I would say here is even if you are miffed at your mum (and quite rightly by what you have written) you do still need to think about your boys.

If she has no interest in being there for them as you would like then you are fine to drop her from the team buuut if she is willing to step up for the boys then I think you include her but ensure she is clear on what is and what is not acceptable.

Good luck

BBB