Hand holding! Advice/opinions/criticisms needed!!!

[kerrysinead]

Hiya everyone :wave:

My DD is 20months and has just started throwing tantrums whilst out walking.:o I know this maybe "normal" but am feeling like a bad mummy!! :o:o

We live down a very quiet road but when near busy roads and car parks I like her to hold my hand, she is getting better at this. I don't want to start a reins debate cos Im not keen on them and I have tried them but they don't stop her kicking off whilst she is wearing them anyway. Basically all is well until she wants to go the opposite way to me, because obviously because of her age she is so distracted. (reins or no reins) So despite using diversion and gently putting her in the right direction sometimes she then won't hold my hand, starts screaming, sits down and all hell breaks loose! :o

So Ive been just not making a fuss but firmly putting her back in the pram,which seems to work i think. She doeasnt like it, but it stops the tantrum as if I leave her sitting on the floor she gets up eventually then if she still can't go where she wants she carries on even more. Problem was today I didnt have the pram whilst at my mums and we took a short walk tothe shop and sure enough she kicked off. Because I didnt have the pram and things were escalating, I ended up picking her up which I don't think taught her anything IYKWIM.

So, honestly, am I expecting too much of her or am I right to set some boundaries at this age. Its also a safety thing as I don;t want her to run off and get hurt. Is putting her in the pram the right idea or should I be trying something else. I am open to suggestions/comments/whatever as I am at a bit of a loss. I will add that she is fairly strongwilled maybe even spirited!

Thanks in advance! :)

[jaq]

It sounds like an excellent solution to me, kerrysinead. Particularly if she prefers to walk, she'll soon get the message that IF she wants to walk, she needs to walk holding your hand.

Something you'll need to be very aware of, and may already be, is her potential for bolting. Tantrums are one thing, but mine would always run off ... hence why we used a harness!

I know you said you weren't keen on a harness, and if you prefer to use a pram that's fine, but just be aware that you need to practice with a harness for a while for it to be properly effective ... they learn to walk in it, basically.

Have fun dealing with this stage ... it's VERY trying, but they around 2 is also their cutest, most amazing, most WONDERFUL stage. They learn so much - you fall in love all over again!

[Seacretsquirrel]

I do the same thing with DD we have a chat before we go about expectations (she is nearly 3 though so has more understanding but I don't think it hurts) I tell her that I expect her to hold my had in the carpark near the road or wherever we are going and if she doesn't she goes in the pram. usually hse is pretty good but sometimes she ends up in the pram as she hasn't folowed the rules.
I think what you are doing sounds about right it is important for them to learn to hold hands when it is necessary (and run free where appropriate too).
I think picking her up when you didn't have the pram is still a lesson learnt (if she doesn't hold hands she doesn't get to walk) they love walking at this stage and not being able to is still a consequence even if it is being up in your arms.
HTH:thumbsup:

[kerrysinead]

Aw thanks lasses, feel a bit better already. Felt so s### after todays episode. Am getting so fed up seeing people at work and stuff and they say to me "Was gonna come and have a chat to you when I saw you out with your DD but looked like you were having a battle!" or something similar. I know they dont mean anything at all by it but it makes me feel a bit crap. :laughing: I mean, its either that or just let her run riot wherever she wants, which I have no intention of doing. Anyway, I shall persevere! Off to bed now its getting late here in the UK :goodvibes:

[NonnyMouse]

Handholding was mandatory for us until DD was about 8. Any time she complained about it, I reminded her about the 4yo boy a few years back who wasn't holding his mum's hand, and he went to cross the road and got run over. :(

If she wanted to be out and about with me, then she had to either be holdingmyhand, strapped into her pram, or being carried. If she didn't want either of those, then I refused to go one step further, and in the extreme would pack her up and go back home.

Even at 10, I still like to hold her hand when we cross busy roads, and she lets me (humours me :rolleyes:).

[JabberJaw]

Mmmm i dunno, personally i think 20 months is a bit young to know what you mean when you want her to hold her hand, i mean what you are doing is excellent practice for later, and i would definitely keep trialling it, making bub hold your hand as much as you can.

I know you dont want the harness argument, but i would keep it on her anyhow, for the time being, till you have the hand holding down pat. Just for extra safety, there are some cool animal backpack ones (have seen them in Kmart)

If you have your parm with you, and she wants to walk, but not hold your hand, pop her in the pram. Soon enough she will work out that holding hands = being allowed to walk, running off = pram.

But honestly i still think she is a bit little to 100% grasp the concept of hand holding for her own safety.

[Poppetfish]

My DS knows that he has to hold hands. He doesn't even go out the front door without holding my hand.:goodvibes: In busy areas, I use the harness too and he has to hold my hand or stop to show me something like a flower or point to a monkey at the zoo ect.:yelclap:

Now i am starting on road rules like looking left then right then left again looking for cars. Only crossing the road at lights and listening for the beeping and the green man. Not crossing after the man has began to flash. No J-walking and only crossing the road where the footpath ends.Pointing out the give-way and stop signs, womat crossings ect.:yes:

DS is now 26 months.

[Chickadee]

My DS knows that he has to hold hands. He doesn't even go out the front door without holding my hand. I like this because it's a clear boundary that young kids can understand, and it doesn't vary. Our boundary used to be the front gate.

What struck me reading the OP, and maybe I've misinterpretted, was that you only make her hold your hand on some streets. Is that right, that on your quiet road she doesn't have to? Kids at that age, and even mine at nearly 6, can't evaluate risks like an adult. Even if you tell her that the road is busy or it's a car park, she probably doesn't understand why she has to hold your hand there and not in other places. So she's understandably frustrated. If you're more consistent it might be easier.

I think putting her in the pram is a good solution. And picking her up if you don't have the pram is definitely preferable to having her running off. I usually tried to wait out the tantrums, whatever the reason for them, but its not always possible.

Good luck, it does get better!

[UmmInayah]

Oh my DD knows she has to hold my hand too.. And yep, she runs off all the time, particularly in the shopping centre. DH and I left her to run wherever she wanted once while we were in the centre, and she ran all the way to the other end and as soon as she saw us coming, she bolted. It's a game to her. Cute - but when you have things to do, it's hard. She knows we will come to get her.. Mostly we make sure that she has other things to focus on when we're in the shops, like an interesting toy.

DD does know though that she absolutely cannot go on the road EVER without DH or I holding her hand. We told her that if she goes on the road, she will die and get a HUGE hurt on her leg because a car will come and smack into her.

She's 2.. might sound mean to say this, but we tell her like it is. She also knows about strangers. We told her that if she went with someone that mum and dada didn't say it was okay to go to, that they would take her away and hurt her.

[Boobycino]

The terrible twos are not just a rumour unfortunately.

I'd take her in the pram, because a 20month old is still a tad young to full grasp the importance of not bolting away.

I'd take her out in the pram and then if she wants to get out, let her walk beside you holding your hand, but if she tries to bolt, put her back in the pram. She's learning her boundries right now, which is an important developemental stage as she's reaching an age where she's starting to make decisions of her own will and by her behaviour she's just asking you what is and isn't acceptable.

In the meantime, until she works out that running off isn't acceptable, I'd have the pram with me so you can keep her safe.

Thats just my feelings on the subject.

[kerrysinead]

What struck me reading the OP, and maybe I've misinterpretted, was that you only make her hold your hand on some streets. Is that right, that on your quiet road she doesn't have to? Kids at that age, and even mine at nearly 6, can't evaluate risks like an adult. Even if you tell her that the road is busy or it's a car park, she probably doesn't understand why she has to hold your hand there and not in other places. So she's understandably frustrated. If you're more consistent it might be easier.


Thanks Chickadee I've been thinking about this. I think I will try and teach her to hold hands as soon as we leave the front garden gate to avoid confusion. Just to add, she does have lots of running free time in safe places in the park and beach etc The pram trick seems to be working so i'll keep on with it. Anyway, thanks again for all your replies ladies, we'll get there in the end. :)