Does hubby drink too much?

[ADL-WorkingMum]

This is almost embarrassing, but how much is too much alcohol to drink? Personally, I don't drink at all. But how much is too much for my husband to be drinking?

I've had enough. I'm sick & tired of him getting drunk when we go out, or even when we just have some friends around for dinner! Am I making too big a deal out of it? My DD is 13 months & I am 3 months pregnant with baby #02, but I don't want my kids to grow up seeing this. And I think it's getting worse as time goes by.

It's after 1 o'clock in the morning, and I just got home via taxi by myself. He & I agreed while in the restaurant that we would leave our bus there for everyone else (one of the other girls wasn't drinking) and we would take a cab home - a few of the guys wanted to go to the casino & stay out late, but we were both tired & he knew that he had already had too much. (two drinks prior to his last, he promised me he wouldn't order any more, so by this stage at 11.45pm, I was already pretty bloody angry with him.) We all left the restaurant, I had already handed over the keys to one of the others & had a laugh with her saying we could organise the cars tomorrow. I stood on the corner & hailed a cab, then turned around and my husband just waved at me and said "see you later".

I am so angry. What angers me the most is that I ALREADY KNOW that by tomorrow, he will apologise and promise me it won't happen again. He will then go on to say that I should stop him from drinking so much and that I have to be the stronger one of the two of us & try to help him.

Why does he make me look like the 6itch in front of all our friends? I'm the one whispering in his ear that he shouldn't drink any more, I'm the one hailing the cab & telling him to get inside, I'm the one who will be made to feel guilty tomorrow because I didn't stop him! He's never hit me nor my daughter, he is not violent in any way. But I shouldn't have to clean up after him all the time. (both in the bathroom and in our social status).

He drinks every day. My concern is that one time when there was no beer in the fridge & no wine in the cabinet, and no spirits in the cupboard. He opened up the sherry for maybe one or two glasses. SHERRY! I use it for cooking & flavour sometimes. One $6 bottle will last me at least 3 or 4 years!

Oh man, I'm sorry. I have no idea whether I am being emotional because I'm pregnant, or just carrying on a little bit over the top. Or should I be seeking further advice? I have no idea how much is to much. We've been together for almost 10 years, and he's always enjoyed a drink. But I notice that he drinks more now than he used to, and that maybe he's not enjoying it as much, but "needing" it. I'm sorry to trouble anyone who is reading, but please tell me two things: how much is too much? and what should I be doing?

[pegasus]

The definition of drinking too much includes - if it affects your partner or people around you, or other people think you drink too much, so I guess that's your answer. That's actually from the drink safe guidelines from the Health Department.

In terms of real definitions...it is recommended that men don't drink anymore than 28standard drinks a week, with at least 2 alcohol free days a week, and no more than 6 standard drinks in one night. (For women it's no more than 14standard drinks a week, with at least 2 alcohol free days a week, and no more than 4 standard drinks in a night).

I guess that's your answer, however, sometimes it's harder to get our partners to understand the whole issue. I know my partner counts his drinks not by standard sizes, but by number of drinks, which in the case of full strength beer is actually 1.4 drinks.

As for what you can do about it, this is where no one can tell you outright (without knowing yourself or your hubby), however, my question to you is, how much does it affect you and your relationship (by the sound of it a fair bit, however, I note that you've just got in, he's still out and you're peeved off). My thoughts would be is it dangerous, and can you accept this behaviour in the long run. If the answer is yes to the first one, then you need to confront your hubby (no matter how much he doesn't get it), if it's no to the second one, same answer. Only your hubby can change his behaviour, but he has to want to change it.

[SammieSnail]

Hey!
I'm sure by the time I post this someone would have already answered you :laughing:

To me drinking everyday is too much....but in saying that we have a friend who does his own home brew and has 1 or 2 beers a night after work....

How much does he drink every day?? Like is he having one or two drinks or is he getting drunk??
If he's getting drunk every day (or even tipsy for that matter) then I think that's a problem which needs to be addressed. Especially if he is putting the responsibility onto you to make him stop.
Whether or not he drinks is HIS responsibility, not yours :no:

Also, if he's always getting drunk when you're around other people (ie dinner) or going out to dinner....well maybe he just doesn't know how to interact without drinking - like its a social thing??? Does he regret it afterwards or just blame you for letting it happen??

I'd say you need to make it clear to him that this is not normal behaviour and that he seems to have a drinking problem which he needs to take responsibility for. You also need to make him understand that being social does not have to revolve around drinking, and if he is not capable of controlling how many drinks he has then he is best not to have any at all until he can control himself...his behaviour is not fair on you or himself.

I must admit it is hard being pregnant and being the only rational sober person....who looks like a b**ch when you're only being sensible...I've reeled in my DH because for the last two months everytime we went to visit our friends they would all get drunk....and I believe it is worse than watching paint dry being the only sober person in a sea of drunks....like do they even understand how hard it is to engage them in conversation :rolleyes:

Also from what you said about the Sherry, it seems as though he can't go without a drink....

I myself used to act this way, I would get drunk to the point of blacking out regularly when I first met DH and was unable to go out without drinking to excess....it took a while for DH to make me realise I had a problem and I can now easily control my consumption to the point where I feel more in control than most people I know lol.

So back to your questions:
No you are not being over the top.
From what you have explained your husband is drinking to excess.
You should discuss the matter with him and maybe help him find some counsiling or print him out some info on alcoholism.

:hugs:

Sammie

[ADL-WorkingMum]

He will drink between 2 - 6 drinks per night (large glass of wine or stubbies, not the standard classification of one drink), and there is no such thing as an alcohol free night, let alone 2 per week. Yes, I had only just arrived home, and of course I was extremely angry with him, however, this happens all the time and I think I've finally hit breaking point, but I'm just not sure what I should do, or who I should speak to, or should I just "shut up and put up with it"?

It's not just when I'm pregnant and the only sober person there. I do not drink at all, in fact, by the time I was about 21, I had tried everything & thought to myself, well I don't like any of it, so I'll just drink water or lemonade. Pretty boring to some people, but I don't need alcohol to have a good time. And I can understand that some people need a drink to relax or wind down, loosen up, or just enjoy, but how much is necessary?

He agreed with me this morning that he had a drinking problem, but what annoys me is that I already know that nothing is going to happen, and nothing is going to change.

I love my husband, but yes, this is having a huge affect on our relationship. What scares me is what will be happening in a few years time, considering the differences I notice (with his drinking) now, compared to a few years ago.
Is it going to continually get "worse"?

I've tried calling the alcoholics anonymous line, but they put me onto another group for family & friends of alcoholics, unfortunately, they are only available part time during office hours, and I work full time (and would definitely NOT like to discuss this during my lunch break!).

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do, what is "right" and what is supposedly "none of my business". Why couldn't things be easier?

[MumofMadd]

Hi i'm sorry i cant tell you what to do but if it helps my DP drinks at least 7 beers a night every night and although it doesnt affect his personality or attitude i believe it is too much. i mean he tried a soup diet a month or so ago and after 2 days he was shaking and having like withdrawls from not drinking. he did drink more before we met but we have a DS and i believe its time for him to grow up, he always uses excuses to drink like ' i've had a hard day ' or ' i've got alot of pressure on me ' etc to me they are all excuses. I've tried to tell him that he needs to cut down but so far have had no luck. i hope things get better.:)

[Illusional]

Hi ADL..

I agree with what the other girls said - if his drinking is affecting you or the kids - it IS a problem.
Also - something I learnt at AA (alcoholics anonymous) if you cant stop at one drink - it is also a problem.
(ie: you are not happy with one glass - and will go and buy more so you can have another etc)

You shouldnt have to try and control him - you shouldnt have to remind him when he has had enough etc... he should be willing to do that himself so as to not embarass himself.

[Illusional]

ADL also - i just re-read that you have rang the AA line.. but they arent available to talk when you need to discuss things...
You could ring the Domestic Violence line in your city (and yes I do realise that you arent asking for that sort of assistance).. they usually have some great advice to pass on no matter what you are looking for.. and quite often can refer you to other helpllines that dont ask you to ring in normal working hours.

[JasmineLouise]

Hello:wave:

I personally would not be happy if i were in your shoes either. Your husband appears to know that there is an issue when he apologises and says "It wont happen again". I think there is a cause for concern and I think it is perfectly ok for you to be emotional.

There is some great advice here... i hope you manage to sort things out:fingerscrossed:

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy

[ADL-WorkingMum]

Thank you ladies, but can I now ask another question? Do I do anything about it now, considering he hasn't had a drink since Saturday night? I mean, I must admit, I am expecting the wine bottle to open, or another carton to be brought home, but surely if I say anything now, it will only make things worse? He's been "sucking up" to me for the last two days - he even kissed me goodnight earlier (something I vaguely remember on our wedding night lol). I just feel as though I should just wait and see. I don't think he will become a reformed drinker within days, but surely if I bring anything up now.......hell. I don't know.

(I will try to call domestic violence sometime in the next few days, but I don't think they will be of any use to me. There are (unfortunately) so many other women that need their help. But thanks all the same)

[Stretchmark Diva]

I think you should bring it up now - I mean, when you are both calm and rational. In daylight. You've spoken to him before you both go out, you've spoken to him while you are out, to no effect.

Maybe even write it down - explain how his empty promises make you feel, explain how disappointed you are, explain your fears and how damned unfair it is that he acts this way. Tell him that you think he has a drinking problem as he seems unable to have a couple of drinks on a night out - drinking to get drunk is problem behaviour. Explain that you are worried that you can't rely on him - what if you go into labour and he is out on the town? What if he is passed out drunk and you have to get someone else to drive you to the hospital? What if he misses the birth of his child? And when the baby is here, what if he is sick and needs to go to the hospital? :shame:

Tell him he has to change. Tell him he must seek counselling if he is incapable of changing without help. Next time, he will find you have changed the locks if this type of behaviour happens again. Also, don't clean up after him - make him do it, with hangover. Why should you have to, especially while you are pregnant? :barf:

You can't make him change, but you can change the way you deal with him. Follow through. Maybe if he is shocked into realising how serious you are he will get the message.

Best of luck.

[chicken]

ADL - does drinking run in your DH's family? When I first met my DH, we both used to drink a lot. I'd probably go through 12 bottles of wine in two weeks!!! But when my CH drinks, his personality changes - does yours? It was like Dr Jeckle and Mr Hyde, whereas I'm pretty much a happy drunk. We had so many major arguments before we got married, where I'd say that I couldn't marry him if our life was going to be like that. As I got older, my hangovers got worse and worse, plus we started TTC. So I stopped drinking during the week altogether, and consequently so did he (maybe 1 beer). But he still drinks heavily on the weekends, and when you're not drinking, they become so unlike the person you love. But I know your situation isn't like that, because you've never drunk. My DH's Dad was pretty much an alcoholic when he was growing up, but did a very brave thing and gave up alcohol completely about 10 years ago. But my FIL's brother remained an alcoholic and commit suicide last Christmas, plus the other brother is still a heavy drinker. I think my DH sees this, and knows he doesn't want to turn into this and controls himself now. But I think its only because I basically told him that if he didn't stop drinking that we wouldn't be together, that changed his mind. I know its harsh, but its obviously having a major impact on you. Maybe he needs to be shocked into action!

[bronny-jane]

my dh drinks about a 6pack everyday, you cant even tell he's been drinking thou;)
i only get annoyed when he gets really trashed:yes: , and its only more noticeable becasue im nopt drinking at the moment.

[ADL-WorkingMum]

Thanks everyone for your input. I'm ashamed to admit that I have chickened out and will leave things as they are for the time being.

He doesn't get drunk every night, it's just that he drinks too much, too often - even if we're just watching TV at home! Anyway, I know that if I bring anything up now, (whether writing it down, talking to him etc) he will just get angry/upset & say that I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

Wait and see. Maybe he will change his behaviour and surprise me the next time we go out!

Thanks again.

[daisyxs]

ur exactly the way i was, let me guess, ur feel as though ur walking on eggshells because u know he will start again but rnt sure when.
do u hate coming home knowing that he will have already started or will soon be drinking?
My DP is an alcoholic but no matter how many times i told him he just denied it saying that he'd been working all day, cleaning all day, had a hard days fishing :eek: the excuses just got more and more pathetic.

Then he had a heart attack at 36. 1st thing dr asked was do u have AT LEAST 3 CONSECUTIVE DAYS SOBER? Ha!! he be lucky to have that in 6mths.
didnt stop him drinking though so now he has alcohol induced hepatitis. not that that stopped him either, it was making a promise to a priest who ran an alcoholic help group that stopped him (now y didnt i think of that earlier) he hasnt touched a drop for 4wks and says he shouldve gave up earlier.

btw DP drank 4 cans a night every night.

Daisy

[ADL-WorkingMum]

Well, they say speak of the devil & the devil appears. Only earlier this evening I thought it was all ok, and that I would let it lie. DH is currently enjoying a movie and a glass of port after 3 beers for the evening. He's not drunk, nor do I see 4 drinks ever getting him drunk.

But why does he feel as though he needs to drink? Again, this is my original question - does he drink too much? how much is too much? when should I say something? AM I MAKING TOO BIG A DEAL OUT OF NOTHING?

God, if I wasn't pregnant, I don't think I would be so upset about it. After dinner, he opened up his 3rd beer, and I gave him "that look". He just laughed & kissed me and told me that he knew I was happy because I was nagging him.

Then, half an hour later, he poured himself a glass of port. I asked him why he needed to have another drink, did he think he needed to relax or something similar? Bl....dy hell, I feel as though I'm exagerating everything, and yet, this is really upsetting me, and the longer it goes on (i.e. over the last 5 or 6 years) it's been bugging me more and more.

I don't remember ever seeing him go without a drink for more than 2 days in a row, and admittedly, the only times I can remember are when I've yelled at him for drinking too much in the first place. He works very hard (he works for himself) and I know how much pressure he is under. But surely this is just an excuse for drinking?

Yes, you are all right, in certain aspects. I shouldn't have to clean up after him. And yes, it's a bit like walking on eggshells if I want to bring it up in conversation, and yes again, I should say something now, because if I don't it wont get any better.

Fingers crossed, I will speak to him tomorrow when he gets home & before he's opened up a drink. Will let you know how I go. (no point in saying anything now, it's too late, and he's probably on his 2nd port by now)

[ADL-WorkingMum]

I chickened out. I didn't say anything. Bloody hell, now I just know that the next time this happens, I'm going to be even angrier and oh bugger, I should have just said something.

If I bring it up now, he'll think I'm making a big deal out of nothing & will wonder what I'm carrying on about - something that happened weeks ago?

He's still drinking at least 2 or 3 drinks at home every night, and this is just the same old hubby. Nothing will change.

[SammieSnail]

Hey,

Sorry I haven't been back since my last post.....

How about you keep a lil diary type tally of how many drinks he has every night in a month?? and use this as a reference when you do pluck up the courage to confront him?

What is it that YOU want to happen?
Do you want him to stop altogether?
Do you want him to limit it to one or two days a week?

Like you said, he is just going to keep going the way he's going. If you want it to change then you're going to have to find a resolution.

You are obviously disturbed with the way things are going, 5-6 years is a very long time for something to go on for when you are not comfortable with it.

Is there anyone else in your life who can support you in your decision?

Must hop in bed as I am trying to address my DH's issues with my sleeping habits lol. Will jump back on tomorrow to add something more 'inteligent' ;)

:hugs:

Sammie

[ashika]

Hey ADL,

I think it has become an aussie tradition to have beers and man think its ok to do so......................they enjoy their alcohol.......................my hubby used to drink and his personality would change and he would get very aggressive and violent..........so i gave him an option to either stop drinking or get out of the house....................it got too much for me........................he would drink and next day i'd pick up the pieces and ..................... he still wants to drink but i don't give into him........... so i'm the ***** ..................... i don't know how long i can keep up though ................. if he could drink and control it it wouldn't bother me ............ his family and relations are alcoholics and i'm trying to stop that from happening to my kids.

Sometimes i think i should let him drink a couple a week but i know its not gonna be enough once he starts on one................ cause it has happened time and time again previously............... but if your hubby is willing for you to help him from stop drinking then you should no matter what it takes............... it will help you in the long run.............