How do I tell her to back off - nicely...

[Harmony83]

Okay I need to have a whinge!
I decided after alot of thought to wait until Brayden was about 5+ months before I started him on solids (I was gonna start him at 4 months but his quite happy with just a bottle). But my mum has been pressuring me to feed him since he was six weeks, anyway we dropped him off at my mums to do the groceries and when we get back she told me she had fed him and he liked it, and basically made out I'm a bad mother for not feeding him sooner!!! :mad:
She also keeps telling me what to do with a lot of other stuff...
I'm not a very upfront person and have always had trouble standing up for myself, so I really, really need some help to get her to back off, without sounding to mean... Does anyone have any suggestions...

Thanks
Harmony83 :o

[xkwzit]

Hi Harmony
You mum has to respect your decisions as a mother, could you tell her that you need her support, but that the constant "suggestions" lower your confidence and make you feel as though she doesn't respect your abilities. I (personally) would also take offence at the fact that she did it behind your back. If you can't trust her to care for your child as you would want him cared for maybe she doesn't get to baby sit at all? (I know that's a big stick to wield, but maybe you can tone it down from there) Gosh, if someone belittled the MOUNTAINS of books that I researched in order to come up with my parenting style by promptly doing something completely contrary I'd be more than a little PO.

Another tack would be to say that the doc / CHN recommended that you don't start solids before 6 months, so that's what you've decided to do (you could use that for just about anything, lie if you must!). Remind her that the information that she's working from is - what - maybe 20 years old and that you'd like to base your decisions on how your son should be cared for on something a bit more recent.

The bottom line is that he is your son and you (and your hubby) are his parents, it is not your mother's role to raise him (maybe to spoil him - but only within the boundaries that you set :D ).

Best of luck (and stand up - you're a Mum, you can do anything!)

[aardvark]

First I'd be wanting to know PRECISELY what was fed to my child.

One of the main reasons they advocate waiting till after 6 months is to reduce the possibility of developing a food allergy.

I would be making it VERY clear that in terms of what my child is fed, it's my way, or the highway. It would not matter if it were my mother, or anyone else.

I kept my first daughter off dairy products until she was over 2 years of age. I had been told it minimised the risk of her developing eczema, and I have dreadful eczema. My family, to my knowledge, all accepted this and went along with it. She's a teenager now, and has no eczema.

My second one, on advice from a dermatologist and a paediatrician, was allowed to have dairy products from late in the first year. I was told that there was no relationship between dairy products and eczema. My second child now has raging eczema unless we stick to a fairly rigid diet and are quite particluar about what toiletries we use. I'm now thinking about whether to restrict dairy products for the new baby or not.

If my family had not gone along with my no dairy policy for my first child, I would have told them quite precisely what I thought. You can't undo someone else's mistakes in this area.

[sopolicha]

I love my mother dearly and I have a very close relationship with her. When she offers unwanted and clearly out of date advice about my kids I simply remind her that when my brothers and I were babies we used to travel in the back seat of her car in only our bassinettes!! No such thing as car seats apparently back then, or clips and straps in prams or highchairs.

Would you be able to tell her that things have really changed since you were a baby, or show her some of the pamphlets about feeding from the CHN.

But I agree, with aadvark you have to know exactly what is being fed to your kids, especially in the early early days.

If you are too scared to confront her face to face about it, maybe a little white lie would be order and tell her that he has had his solids feed for the day already and that he does not need anymore.

[Elfin]

This is actually a recommendation of the World Health Organisation so maybe you could have a look on their website, print out their recommendation and show her. It is a bit hard to argue with WHO and this is the advice the CHN is drawing. So frustrating all the unwanted outdatred advice :rolleyes: . Hope you sort it out.

[BJelly]

Hi Harmony,

I've grown up with a controlling mother, so I can relate to your troubles. (I'm a bit older than you, so I had time to learn how to stand up for myself - and train her - before bub arrived, these things take time - I know how hard it is to stand up to your Mum).

My suggestion would be to talk to her when you aren't upset. You need to be calm in case she gets upset. My other suggestion would be to give her some positives about what she does before telling her the negatives, and then end on some more positives, (eg) how much you appreciate her. But let her know how hurtful it is that she did this behind your back.

One way I have framed my requests to my Mum is : "I'd prefer it if you did it this way..." Say it while making eye contact and in a firm, calm (parent-like) voice so she knows you're serious. This is a gentle way to say what you want, without being too blunt. If she doesn't get the hint, then you might have to use more assertive language (it's all about taking little steps, especially when standing up to your Mum for the first time).

Don't be surprised if your Mum has a dummy spit - she may get quite defensive, but I hope she's mature enough to respect your wishes. She may get quite a shock at first because she's not used to being told her place. Maybe get some moral support from your partner - it's good to muster all the courage you have - it definitely can make you feel stronger if you know you are both working as a team.

Like others suggested, tell her that it is recommended to start solids later because of the risk of allergies - baby's gut needs time to mature before having anything more complex than milk/formula. Your bub is the proper weight and healthy, there is no need to supplement bub's diet before 6 months.

Let her know how important this is to you, and that you really want her input, but she has to respect you as a parent to make the final decision about what's right for your child.

Good luck - stay strong! :)

[WeThree]

I agree with all the other post so far, stay strong and stand up to your mum! she had no right to feed your baby against your wishes, her 'advice' is very outdated and dangerous, babies who are fed before 6mths of age have a much higher risk of developing all sorts of food allergies etc, not to mention getting upset tummies! tilly is 8 mths and still not on solids and cooper is 2 and we still do not give him anything with peanuts in it, nor do we give him eggs or to much dairy, my oldest has anyphlaxtic reactions to peanuts as well as many other food allergies and i strongly believe it is because i gave in to pressure from people who think they no everything and actually know nothing and fed him to early, poor little guy :( make sure your mum knows that if she goes against your wishes again she will not be able to mind your child again, your babies health is too important! good luck :)

[shanz]

Maybe another sly way would be to let her know that you and hubby were very disappointed as you both wanted to be there to experience your sons first solid feed.After all he is YOUR son.however this will not deter her from doing things her way in the future so maybe let her know that as she made the decisions about your welfare when you were a child you want that privledge for your son.I personally would make her promise that if she wants him again she has to ask your permission to do different things with him.
If you don't speak up now it will only get worse.

[melzy]

Hi Harmony,
I agree with what everyone has said so far. My mother was quite similar not only with food but other things. Give her praise about how she brought you up well however you are wanting to things your way and that you would like her to respect your wishes as you are the parent. I also said to my mum that I always welcome her ideas or advice but the final decision was mine. They find it a bit hard to handle but if you are tactful you should be right. Unfortunately in my situation I found it hard not to keep my mother shut - speaking without thinking and really hurt my mum but she got over it and now backs off.

As I was told when I was pregnant, gather as much useful information and advice as you can from people and throw away what you don't need.

At times you do feel that you aren't doing things right but hey, babies didn't come with an instruction manual did they. Just remember in your own heart that you are doing a great job and believe in yourself and your decisions. It doesn't matter what anyone else things. Keep your head up and best of luck.