DH's Ex is back in contact!!

[newmum2one]

I need some advice...
About a week ago DH's mum forwarded a letter from one of his ex's to us that had been sent to him c/o her place. I was a bit concerned as to why she would be in contact, and DH is very sketchy on the details. Apparently she hurt him very badly when they were going out and was writing to apologise how ever many years later. DH has told me a little (very little) about what happened, and I know it took a long time for him to trust girls again. In fact when we were going out he was very unsure of himself and had to psych himself up for coming to see me/asking me out etc. We had worked through all that and everything was great, until her letter came. Now DH feels bad and some of the hurt is resurfacing. I've only seen a few of their emails but he wrote in one that this girl hadn't hurt him as badly as another of his ex's did.
I try to make sure he knows this rubbish is all in his past, and I know he is happy now with DS and me. I have tried to talk to him, and tell him all the time how lucky I am etc, I try to look after him really well but I can tell he thinks about how this girl hurt him a bit lately.
What else can I do to ease his new hurt, and to get rid of the cow?

[damien's mum]

Why is ur MIL passing on this letter??
That would be my question..
All you can do, is be there to support him, understand that it is opening, wounds.. and be there to heal them.. But never never ignore you gut insinct!

[Sarie]

I don't know how to help your situation really. But my DH's ex got back in contact with him last year on his birthday. He was the dumper, so I'm not too concerned and he shows me her emails, so I know whats going on. They don't talk very often only every few weeks and she is also married with kids and lives up north.
Sorry I couldn't help you,:hugs:

[newmum2one]

I was concerned about MIL passing on that particular bit of mail too. We don't get on but I don't think that was the reason...
I'm not worried about his ex trying to break up our marriage or anything, more that she's decided to make herself "feel better" (her words) but she obviously didn't think about how it would affect DH and his current relationship. I think its rotten to do this to him, especially as she dragged out the apology/explanation over 3 emails.

[Blessed Mum]

I'm sorry to say but I would not be happy with this. As you have said it has taken 3 years & if its purely to make herself feel better she could of written it & then burnt it or whatever. I would understand if they had to still remain in contact through a child or family or mutual friends. I would make how you feel very clear to your husband & ask if the intentions are for them to remain in contact & I would watch m-i-l. She could of asked her son first whether or not he wanted the letter instead of just passing it on - that's jmo.

Good luck & I hope she dissappears again;)

[LA62]

If it was me i would email he back and tell her to get lost, why should she feel better, she has nothing to do with you, your hubby of your life.

Good luck:hugs:

[*Chels*]

the ex should just get over it-and herself!!if they broke up years ago,why is she apologising now???????
i wouldnt stress too much about it.your partner might feel a bit weird coz of hearing from her.not that this is the same but i just read my diaries from when i was younger,and reliving the pain of exs being wankers put me in a weird headspace.I soon got over it tho.
So hes prob just in a weird headspace at the mo.Im not really making sense sorry:ecomcity:
Good luck with it

[Poopa]

I find it strange that your DH is not telling you all the details. Have you asked him about it?

If my DF received a letter from his ex he would let me read it. Without me even asking.

Maybe ask him to let you in on how he feels and tell him to tell you what's going on.

[SassyMummy]

Wow...there are some very sceptical replies here!

I would suggest that the MIL gave your DH the letter because the letter is addressed to HIM - not to her. There's no reason to suspect that she's up to anything...she's just the messenger after all. Her giving him the letter means nothing - he could have chosen not to open it, after all.

Perhaps the reason the girl is apologising is because she has grown up! Maybe she has realised just how badly she had treated him and wanted to let him know that she was sorry. It could also be because she needs some proper closure. Perhaps, by giving her thoughts and feelings and paper, she can feel as if she'd handed all of her baggage away, and she no longer has to deal with it. Just because she was the one who ruined things, that doesn't mean she also didn't feel pain...maybe she just needed to send him the letter in order to move on. Perhaps, it may help HIM move on as well (after the initial hurt).

If I were you, I would NOT read the letter. It's got nothing to do with you (even though his moods affect you)...it's something HE has to deal with. You and he are both very lucky that he's been able to rebuild his trust in women...would you really want to ruin that by BREAKING his trust and sneaking around just so you can "be in the know" in regards to the letter? If YOU break his trust...maybe he will never trust again. You really don't want to go there.

[Poopa]

I would suggest that the MIL gave your DH the letter because the letter is addressed to HIM - not to her. There's no reason to suspect that she's up to anything...she's just the messenger after all. Her giving him the letter means nothing - he could have chosen not to open it, after all.

Yes. But as for the rest of your post, I think it's her business. If your partner had a letter from his ex and he was acting strange, wouldn't you want to know?

[rynosmum]

SassyMummy, I'm agreeing with you completely (again) on this.

I actually called an old ex a few years back. We had broken up 8 years prior (has been together for almost 6 years, since we were at school). Our breakup was tough for both of us and I wanted to apologise for him because we didn't really talk about it when we broke up.

We are both in our 30's now and I think it really helped us both - we were so close for so long. The conversation wasn't because we still had the same feelings for each other, but we are both adults with many more life experiences now which has taught us many things.

Leave it for him to deal with, unless he brings it to you to discuss. I'm sure the MIL passed the letter on because it was addressed to him too. That's only common courtesy.

Don't be too stressed about it. I'm sure he loves his family very much. This will pass, just support him through it.:hugs:

[Me]

just had a strange/funny thought - maybe she's appologising to make herself "feel better" because she's in therapy and that's what her dr told her to do... hahaha not likely but just another spin on the situation seeing as there are already so many!
I wouldn't worry about it - as chels said he's probably just in a weird headspace as it was just so unexpected and has caught him with his guard down iykwim
when he feels ready to deal with it, he'll let you in and confide his feelings in you and when that happens you'll know how to help him to feel better...
Also did MIL actually who the letter was from? she may not have realised and as others have said, done the courteous thing and passed it on seeing it was addressed to him

[newmum2one]

Thanks everyone for your comments, it was really hard to post it on the board for advice. Funnily enough, I agree with everyone - I'm not sneaking around behind DH's back, he knows I've read some of the emails. I know MIL passed on the mail because it was addressed to him, and I'm ok with that. I'm ok with her needing to get things off her chest, but the way she did it wasn't the best. Each message that I've read I've taken on board. I just want you to know I trust my hubby I just don't know how to help him with this renewed hurt and how to put an end to her emails - surely if she's apologised that should be the end of it? But anyway, thanks everyone for your help.
:hugs:

[BlueGin]

Hi newmum2one,

Glad to hear that things are still good between you and your DH, I had thought from the first post that you were worried about his feelings, but glad to be wrong ;)

The relationship DH was in before meeting me (3 or so years before me) left him in a similar state as she had treated him very badly. I have always wondered if when she grew up she would contact him again. It sounds like you are handling it well, reminding him of how loveable and wonderful he is!

Maybe he is responding to her and being upset by the reminder because he has a little of that "dumped" stuff coming back, but I am sure just having you and your little one there is doing wonders for him, and that in time he will realise it isn't very positive to remain in contact with someone like that, now that she has said her piece.

:hugs: Sorry, no advice, you sound like you are doing it right :thumbsup:

[Blessed Mum]

Hi newmum2one,

Glad to hear that things are still good between you and your DH, I had thought from the first post that you were worried about his feelings, but glad to be wrong ;)

I just wanted to say the same. My post was based on my opinion & experiences in the past. I thought that was what we did here- everyone shared their own & hopefully the op takes it all on board & then knowing their own relationships & situations in their lives work things out. Sorry if my post wasn't helpful or was synical. I wasn't saying that that was the case for newmum2one.