Support for Fathers wrongfully accused?

[mollyk99]

Does anyone know anything about fathers wrongfully accused of child abuse?

A friend of our smacked his 9yo, out of control, woefully badly behaved child, who was at the time punching him and screaming and yelling because he wasn't getting his own way.

The child throws these mega escalations, flings himself around the room, smashes stuff, and crashes into things, and had also fallen over the weekend (as a result of flinging himself around and yelling.)

The child's mother (who is determined never to say no to this kid, because 'negotiating is better' (negotiating to the point where she gives him what he wants, lol )- saw a bruise on him and immediately reported him via DHS, the police and the hospital.

The poor bloke now has an Intervention Order taken out, and she is busy leaving messages on his phone going 'You WILL parent him the way I say or I'll keep reporting you!'

I realise that everyone has to take child abuse seriously, but how do fathers protect themselves from malicious allegations when everyone instantly believes the mother?

Any experience in this field or advice for the poor man would be appreciated.

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

Honestly, I would say, do not smack him again and leave yourself open to misunderstandings, and I would seek some counseling, because something isn't right. He needs advice on what to do when the boy is with him, that does not involve any physical discipline.

[c38]

I kind of agree with SSP. If he smacked him, smacked him hard enough to leave a bruise even, then regardless of what behaviour provoked the smack, he did actually assault the child.
Obviously this child has behavioural issues. And, obviously the parents are at odds with how to deal with diciplining him.
Maybe instead of each jumping up and down and pointing fingers and accusations at each other they need to realise that underneath any ill feelings they have for each other, at the bottom of all this is a child who is obviously suffering.

I would suggest he talks to the mother admits that he has a problem knowing how to best deal with the boys behaviour, but pointing out that he doesn't feel that her suggestions work well either. If this feels too combatant then he could suggest that he wants the counselling as a way of rebuilding trust with his so. But, suggest that it would work best if she would agree to participate for at least some of the sessions and assure her that he wants to work together for the best for their son.
Counselling would ensure that the child gets support about his feelings to do with his separated parents, and the "family" even though it is divided, get help around strategies to deal wth his behaviour (which may well just fix itself were both parents willing to work together regarding him). Even if she doesn't agree to participate, I would advise seeking counselling and guidence himself from a Family Counsellor as to how to relate better to both his son and his ex.

The family GP should be able to help with referal to a Child and Adolescent Psych Team or places like Relationships Australia or Centrecare Australia also have Family Counselling Services or can recommend local services.

I hope he gets some help and things get back on track for him and his son soon

[Looshkin]

A smack hard enough to leave a bruise is abuse and should be reported to docs.
:confused:

I do think he should do some research on parenting techniques, perhaps get himself on a forum and ask for some assistance books to read, information to read and consider in techniques like distraction or other non violent tactics..in other words learn about what the mum is doing..
To be honest.. regardless of my opinion on violence being a totally non efficient and backwards tool for discipline and creating boundaries.. I think that the man has to uphold the main care givers parenting... if the mum is doing things that are not hurting the child.. then I think it's in the best interest of the child to uphold the same techniques and avoid inconsistency for the security of the child.. for all we know, he is throwing tantrums because he has no boundaries and confused between the upheaval of going back between his mums 'rules' and dads 'rules' and finding it confusing and inconsistent..?

[mollyk99]

I wasn't sure whether to start this thread because what I didn't want to do was start one on whether or not smacking was acceptable, I have no doubt there are heaps of threads pro-ing and con-ning it and this isn't about smacking, its about false allegations and how they are to be handled.

A good example of this is (IMO)

Everyone has automatically assumed the smack was hard enough to cause the bruise which he says it wasn't as do two witnesses (independent) to the event.

Everyone has automatically assumed that he's 'guilty' of child abuse because he's the 'man' and she's the 'wronged mother', and because smacking is an emotive topic.

He's now facing an Intervention Order and subsequent investigation by DoCs, has to go to court, have a record of 'child abuse' recorded against him unless he can prove that it wasn't true (that the smack caused the bruise, not whether or not he smacked.) Under the current law I believe smacking is not illegal in his state so it isn't the issue here or the question I was asking.

Worse still, his child has now learnt that if Dad disciplines him in any way, all he's got to do is tell Mum and 'Dad will get in trouble' (a very powerful position for a kid to be in) and Mum has set up an ongoing situation where she can just call the police or DoCs any time she doesn't like anything at all that he does, thus giving her 100% of the power in the parenting relationship as there is a precedent and if he wants to do a single thing she doesn't like.

This doesn't seem fair to me and I wondered if other fathers had had to face this issue and how they dealt with unfairly being labelled a child abuser - not to mention how they managed their ongoing relationship with their child, once all ability to provide input to how the child is parented is gone.

Thanks for your info re the counselling etc, I will pass that on to him. I believe they are in mediation but she won't agree to anything that isn't 'her way'. Must be tough.

[missali]

Hi,
firstly, I assumed that the bruise could have well been caused by his throwing himself around the room.
secondly, I used to pitch fits when I was a child of gigantic proportions and quite frankly, the only way to calm me down was to give me a smack (I think it shocked me into listening) and sending me to my room to calm down. I remember quite vividly (granted they were the exception, not the rule).

Anyway, firstly, this man needs to keep hold of her threatening msg's. If things escalate, he may need them.

Also, could they attempt some sort of mediation to come to an agreement on a set parenting method so the child cannot play one parent off against the other?

HTH
Ali

[sandy cheeks]

How horrid IMO thats not child abuse he was 9 and throwing himself around in the day leading up to it that may have caused it.
I dont know about DOCs but he should keep all emails and texts and go to medation it would be a good step for everyone maby they can work out a way to parent cos as u said now anytime dad upsets him or says something he isnt happy with u could say something to mum maby even make up lies to get his way iykwim.

[mollyk99]

Hi Sandy and Missali, yes, its a revolting situation for him to be in.

I'm am (for a number of really powerful reasons) the most staunch defender of anyone who might have been abused - and dammit, if I thought he'd bruised the child I'd have called the police myself (after I'd finished hitting him around the head with something heavy! :D )

This woman is out of control, she's sending 6 page emails berating him, demanding he speak to her, criticising his dress, his parenting, everything. She's demanding he does whatever she says "if I ever see a bruise on him again I'll go straight to the police"... (I mean, what happens if he falls off his bike? Prison?)

She's also demanding he communicate with her, and threatening to tell mediation he won't communicate, whereas his point is that he'd love to communicate, but it's a two way street and at the moment it's 'her way or the highway!'.... and that is not communication!

He's keeping everything, but everyone, from the police, to DoCs, to even his friends, are going 'oh well, you shouldn't have smacked him, therefore you bruised him, therefore you are a child abuser'.... as if he deserves to be labelled a child abuser when she is psychotic!

There is no burden of proof on anyone that he did do it, only on him to prove he didn't - nearly impossible.

I never thought I'd ever be on the side of a man accused of abuse, but all I can see in this case is discrimination, assumptions, and a world of pain for everyone involved.

Horrible situation. I hope the lawyers can resolve it for him.

[mollyk99]

I didn't mention that the police have 'refused' to take his witnesses statement.

I nearly died when I heard that.

So, the police - our defenders and our support in these situations - are effectively saying to this man..

"We're sorry, you're guilty. Doesn't matter how many witnesses you have, we refuse to talk to them, because they must be lying, and we've decided you bruised him, so tough luck, you're a criminal".

I was horrified - I thought the police were there to get both sides of the story and evaluate the EVIDENCE, not take sides and make judgements.

You learn something every day.

[MommaBear]

The man needs to get himself a lawyer firstly to try to defend himself if he hinestly believes he did not cause the bruise and then to set up some kind of parenting plan with the mother.
Police CANT and WONT defend someone who is having an AVO taken out on the- the police defender is there for the victims- that would be why they refuse to take his statement.

[mollyk99]

The man needs to get himself a lawyer firstly to try to defend himself if he hinestly believes he did not cause the bruise and then to set up some kind of parenting plan with the mother.
Police CANT and WONT defend someone who is having an AVO taken out on the- the police defender is there for the victims- that would be why they refuse to take his statement.

Yes, he's in the middle of all that (horrendous expense as it is.)

I just find it terrifying that anyone can make a complaint and have the police NOT investigate it thoroughly, actively refuse to speak to anyone about it, but just enact the IVO. And then become very aggressive and angry when the person who is disputing it is desperately going " But I didn't! And I can prove it!".

It means deranged fathers can do it to mothers, and vice versa, and by the time it gets sorted out everyone's life is in tatters, most especially the poor children torn apart in the middle of it.

I know we must, must, must protect children from family violence, but it almost seems like there's a loophole in there for abusive partners to wreak havoc on their exes.

And what on earth do you do if you can't afford a lawyer and Legal Aid say 'sorry, its not on our list of priorities to defend wrongfully accused fathers.'

Scary stuff.

[RedStar]

What a horrible situation to be in. I have been reported for child abuse by my DH's ex. If it weren't for her bad parenting in the past and him being in the system as the "good and loving parent" then the kids would have been removed from our care.

I'm all for abuse being investigated by unfortunately it is all too easy to make a wrong complaint.

Tell him to go and see the family court and seek advice, we were given really great advice and they have people on duty so it's free. Wish him luck from me & I hope the kids get the parenting and the love they deserve.

[BOSS302WMOM]

I too thought that the bruise was from the tantrum by the sounds of it the child is a real hand full much like my brother he was smacked but little good that did he didnt even notice it as the way he threw himself around caused far more damage than any smack.

[belonna]

I understand that completely. I have two good male friends who have to put up with stupid ex's who carry on like Hitler. They see their children every second weekend and if there is so much as a scratch or a bruise just from playing at the park it's a report to the police. There is stuff all support for fathers and it's a real shame. They can't even bring up concerns with the mothers as the stupid women go right off, blame the fathers and threaten to take the fathers to court to have their access denied, for simply saying things like could you make sure he's got shoes with him next time or even enquiring whether he can have an extra weekend with the child to take him to Dreamworld for his cousins birthday party. Bloody pathetic. One of them is constantly berated over text messages and email if he drops the child off five minutes late by his ex even though she cheated on him and left and he's stressed out to the max. He even cops it from her current partner who gets all macho whenever the father drops the boy off, standing there with a cricket bat and what not. It's bs.

Sorry to rant but I've seen it myself and you're right, there's very little support for fathers.

[mummy2lilly]

from what i gathered from the story is the kid needed to calm down a bit and was hitting his father. No wonder he gave him a smack if this child is flinging him self around whos not to say that he got the bruise. People are saying he needs parenting tips. But honestly i dont think he does some people out there give there children a little smack if there out of control. I wouldnt personally but i know of some that do. I personally feel sorry for this guy.Im sorry im not to much help. But i went through this with my parents when they spilt up my dad gave me a smack when i was 9 cause i smashed all his models and photos.. It was a dare by my bother. and my dad gave me a smack for it i got a bruise cause i tripped over and mum did what this kids mum is doing. if you can write a letter to whom it may concern saying he didnt abuse the child then you give it to the father to take to a lawyer then he would have a case. as he has witnesses.

Good Luck

[my_lot]

If i were the MOTHER id have done the same thing.

Good for her for protecting her child and the parenting she believes in.

Hope its a good wake up call for dad to get some parenting skills and not smack in anger.

[Mischief]

Im sure there are mens support groups out there? Im not sure how you would find them. But groups that will help him to get effective legal support.

Frankly I think the mother should be being looked at by DHS. If the way she parents (or refuses to parent) her child is resulting in him becoming violent to others and himself, then she needs some support as well to deal with him.

I feel really sorry for the father. :( And for the record, I assumed that the boy got the bruise from the tantrum he was throwing sooner than from a smack from his father!

[Mischief]

Oh and also.... Dads are parents too, and are entitled to raise their children by their rules when they are with them. :rolleyes:

[~Temet Nosce~]

from what i gathered from the story is the kid needed to calm down a bit and was hitting his father. No wonder he gave him a smack if this child is flinging him self around whos not to say that he got the bruise. People are saying he needs parenting tips. But honestly i dont think he does some people out there give there children a little smack if there out of control. I wouldnt personally but i know of some that do. I personally feel sorry for this guy.Im sorry im not to much help. But i went through this with my parents when they spilt up my dad gave me a smack when i was 9 cause i smashed all his models and photos.. It was a dare by my bother. and my dad gave me a smack for it i got a bruise cause i tripped over and mum did what this kids mum is doing. if you can write a letter to whom it may concern saying he didnt abuse the child then you give it to the father to take to a lawyer then he would have a case. as he has witnesses.

Good Luck


If i were the MOTHER id have done the same thing.

Good for her for protecting her child and the parenting she believes in.

Hope its a good wake up call for dad to get some parenting skills and not smack in anger.


Im sure there are mens support groups out there? Im not sure how you would find them. But groups that will help him to get effective legal support.

Frankly I think the mother should be being looked at by DHS. If the way she parents (or refuses to parent) her child is resulting in him becoming violent to others and himself, then she needs some support as well to deal with him.

I feel really sorry for the father. :( And for the record, I assumed that the boy got the bruise from the tantrum he was throwing sooner than from a smack from his father!


Oh and also.... Dads are parents too, and are entitled to raise their children by their rules when they are with them. :rolleyes:
:iagree:.. this is ridiculous. I can't believe that he is unable to defend himself in any way.

[Jennaisme]

If i were the MOTHER id have done the same thing.

Good for her for protecting her child and the parenting she believes in.

Hope its a good wake up call for dad to get some parenting skills and not smack in anger.

Mm. I really think I need to disagree with this post.
I think parents are entitled to parent how they like, but clearly, if this kid is throwing himself around in all his temper tantrum glory, the mothers method isn't working. Infact calling the police on the father is going to hinder the child more than help it.
Kids get bruises. They fall off bikes, they crash into things. They skin their knees. Its all a part of growing up. Now, because the child knows if he plays up at Dads, if dad says or does anything, he can get him in trouble, it will undoubtably get worse. I don't know if I explained that properly, tbph. A smack on the bum never hurt me or my DP and I bet it never hurt most children, actually. If he's old enough to be throwing these massive temper tantrums then he's old enough to know better than to throw them and if all else had failed and a smack on the bum was the only way to get him to stop, then so be it. But apparently the mum would rather the child come home with bruises from crashing himself into things than a smack on the bum to tell them that its unacceptable. I think that if the father needs a lesson on parenting, then so does the mother since it sounds like the mother has primary care of the child, shouldn't she be raising him NOT to throw these tantrums in the first place?

That was a very long winded explanation of what I was trying to say. Lol. Sorry. I just don't think that the mother should be involving police unless there was very real evidence of physical abuse, because otherwise it just comes across as her trying to be vindictive and using the child to do it.