She's calling DP "Dad" and "Daddy"... what to do?

[SassyMummy]

Okay, so a quick run-down of the story for those who don't know...

I was with DD's father until she was about 2.5 (which was early last year). I got a new partner soon after (not looking for anyone, just found him accidentally), whom she met on her 3rd birthday (July 25th last year).

September last year, things at my then-living situation turned sour and I needed to move, and so moved in with DP. Have been living with him ever since.

DD's father moved to England start of this year. He didn't see her much after we split - maybe once every 2-3 weeks at most. His calls were about the same distance apart. They still are - he calls her for 15 mins every 3-ish weeks. So basically, she doesn't have much of a relationship with him anymore, but still remembers him and knows who he is.

Anyway...

A few days okay, she started calling him "Daddy," "Dad," and "My Daddy/Dad."

I was weirded, because I dunno what has prompted it... she calls DP's father "Poppy," but she hangs out with DPs niece who calls him that, and DD doesn't have much of a relationship with either of her male grandparents, so I figured she just kinda called him that... and it doesn't really step on any toes or anything... nobody cares, etc.

I asked DP how he felt about it, and he said it's a bit weird, but not because he's being called that, more because he feels weird because she HAS got an actual father and DP doesn't want to be stepping on any toes... he doesn't want the ex to be annoyed if he finds out DD's calling DP this... if that makes sense.

I asked him if he wanted me to ask her to stop, and he doesn't... he said it's okay, but he's just not sure if it's a good thing or not because of her father.

I don't know either tbh - neither of us want others to hear it and start to think that we've been encouraging it... saying things like, "Now, this is your new Daddy," or whatever, because we haven't.

It's not constantly, she still calls him by his first name sometimes... but others it's Daddy or Dad or whatever.

Any advice? Should I speak to DDs father and let him know? Like, to warn him and say "Look, neither of us encouraged this, she just started to do it on her own..." or what?

TIA.

[NonnyMouse]

Hmmm.... if she's got a dad who is raising her (your DP) and a dad who sired her (your ex), I'd maybe go with Daddy X and Daddy Y? We have a bazillion grandparents due to split families, and it saves confusion to say Grandma Alice, Grandma Pam etc. Maybe you could try the same thing with your DP if you both are ok with it?

[spoon]

If she wants to call him dad I would let her UNLESS your boyfriend is not long term and you can not see a future with him.

[lealea79]

i think if he is taking on the role of a dad then i dont know why she shouldnt. if the x doesnt have much contact with her i wouldnt worry so much...

[SassyMummy]

Been together over a year now and going strong... we're even talking about plans to buy this house eventually so hopefully we're long term. :p

It's kinda nice that she's calling him that, it's sweet and makes me feel like a proper happy family... but it's also really odd.

[Luna Lovegood]

By the sounds of it, her father is only a father- he isn't a daddy. Your partner is her daddy.

I think it's very sweet, he must be lovely with her.

[Liddy]

I think leave it up to your little girl, my partner and I have had this discussion before because DD1 is not his. But she's not really old enough to fully understand yet so we just associate my partner with his first name but she has quite often said 'da-da' to him. I dunno for me because her dad doesn't even live in the same state and doesn't make contact I really think my DP is more her daddy then her real father because it's one thing to be a father and another thing to be a dad!
If you think your relationship is permanent then it may just be she wants to call him that long-term. I know for us DP will be there for DD her whole life but we decided to just let her choose, when she's a couple years older we will explain he is not her real dad but if she wants to call him that then she's allowed to. For us it's more a matter of it wouldn't be fair for one of my kids to call him dad and the other call him something else.

[spoon]

:DWell that is cool.

I would just let her then. I am sure she remembers her bio, but he is not exactly there to have his stoopid toes stepped upon. I am glad she feels so comfy in your little family:)

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

I would explain the difference (although she sounds pretty cluey, i'm sure she knows).

Then I would say It's your choice.

My DD asked to call my DH Dad, not long before we married. She said "What do you want me to call you?" and he said whatever you like, so she said "OK dad" and that was it.

I think it might have been a bigger issue if her dad was an active part of her life, but he isn't like your DD's.

Your DD's dad made the choice to move to another country, it's clear he has no intention of being a real father, so I'd let her do what makes her happy.

[crazymuma]

I agree that you should let her. I think as long as its the childs choice - no adult has told them to do it then you need to let it happen.

Seriously though have you talked to your partner about what if you one day split - hard to do I know but you need to know if he would want to see your daughter if that happened - if he doesn't think he would want time with her then I would try and encourage her to call him by his first name. Hopefully you guys are still going strong in 10 years but if something goes wrong and you split and she loses another daddy it might cause some major problems.

And from the sounds of it her real father doesn't seem to be making much of an effort so I don't think he has much say.

[Shanaynay]

Hey Sassy yeah I agree with spoon.

I'd say let her call him whatever she wants to - unless you can't see things lasting (which you already address - congrats on the great relationship you've found :D)

[faroutbrusselsprout]

I really wouldn't worry about it if both you and your DP are ok with it.
Kids are very honest and I think she should be respected in her choice to call him Dad. She's obviously decided this on her own and she must feel a connection with him (which is great!).
She knows what a Dad is and thinks your DP fits the profile! :)

My DS1 calls DH Dad even though he's not bioologically his Dad, but he has been in his life since he began talking so DS can't ever remember a time without him.
We never encouraged the "dad" calling thing it just happened. When DS heard DH's son (from first marriage) calling him that it was only natural he would do the same..and has done ever since.
He calls bio Dad "Daddy name" and although knows Daddy X made him, he still thinks of DH as his real Dad.
This, has all been worked out and decided by him over the past 5 years and we have just supported him along the way, NEVER correcting him or trying to change his mind about anything.

I'd let it go and only bring it up if her Dad (o/s) brings it up.
Unfortunately it's really none of his business now what she calls anyone with such little contact on his behalf.

[SassyMummy]

Thanks everyone.

Yeah, DD just kinda decided he was worth calling that... sometimes she says stuff like, "I wish ____ was my real daddy," or whatever. She's all into giving DP cuddles and kisses and telling him she loves him (and that he's beautiful...lol)... so it's sweet that she feels comfortable with him.

He's probably more of a dad than her own was when he was around - DP's very involved with DD and has been from the get-go which has been pretty good and makes life easier (generally) for me.

I suppose if she wants to call him that, then I should just let her... I'm actually quite happy that DP isn't freaked out by it (other than the stepping on toes issue)...

Now to just wait and see if DD says it around SIL - it'll give her something new to whinge about... lol.

[Deserama]

My friend's kids call their step dad "Daddy Peter"...that can be a compromise.

Explaining to her father what has happened, and if he has an issue then perhaps he can be the one to explain it to her?