How do you cope with comments? [Archive] - Bub Hub Pregnancy & Parenting Forum

BugBias

26-07-2005, 21:41

Hi all,

I had the most hurtfull day this Saturday, I was sitting on a bench breast feeding my son (cause the baby room was small and over flowing). Person after person )mainly older ladies) felt the need to comment. I was called disgusting!!! i can not believe it! Society makes it pretty clear they want you to breast feed, why do they feel the need to dictate where and when it's the best place!!!
The worse thing was I was so stunned that I said nothing!! All I could think of was F off but that wouldn't help my (bad mother) stand point......
I've tried covering my son (though I feel I shouldn't have to) but he pulls the blanket straight off....

So my question is How do you guys cope with the constant comments??
kim

___________
:D DM 22
:cool: DH 23
:p DD 3
;) DS 4.5 months

razzle

26-07-2005, 22:12

How horrible for you - I still would've gone for the F-off comment, but maybe 'bugger off' instead!

I only breastfed once in public - we were in a restaurant having lunch and I had to whip my boob out to stop her from screaming! I had loads of grumpy stares (even though I had a nappy draped over my shoulder for a bit of privacy) but only had one comment, an old lady coming over as she was leaving and saying 'good on you love, don't you worry about those evil stares!' :eek:

So I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice, but I'll put my thinking cap on and see if I can come up with any good comebacks for you! ;)

RuthK

27-07-2005, 08:16

I breastfed in public all the time when I had my first 2 in Ireland as their feeding rooms were the smelly changing rooms and definitely weren't an option. I chose to ignore the hostile stares, after all it was none of their business and I'd never be displaying much flesh anyway.

These old ladies who are making the nasty comments were reared in an era when they had sex with clothes on, so showing your breast yould be totally above and beyond the call of duty for them. Don't feel embarrassed. Just feel sad that they are so narrow minded. And don't bring yourself down to their level by commenting back or hiding yourself. Just sit proudly and know that you are doing the best thing for your baby.

wattle

27-07-2005, 08:37

It can be very awkward can't it. Unfortunately I have a huge milk supply and spray milk everywhere, so it's hard to be discreet when feeding in public. If I get those stares, I just try and focus on my baby and imagine love flowing from me through my milk into him as he feeds. This usually takes my mind off anything else.

Briannabear

27-07-2005, 08:54

It can be very frustrating. The reality is that generally people cant even see any flesh - its the thought of seeing a mother feeding her child that freaks them out. Its absurd that they could think like that.

I try not to let it bother me. Ive had my fair share of stares (feeding on benches when parent rooms are full - or filthy!) but I just smile at them. We went to a restaurant the other day and I had to feed my daughter, so I just did. I couldnt care less what anyone thought about it. (mind you the waitresses gave some pretty funny looks).

My grandfather is really funny about it! He'll leave the room until Im completely finished feeding my DD - he gets really embarrased, so I guess its a generation thing.

My DH was outraged a while back when he was listening to a radio station and the lady said that she was recently at a restaurant having dinner and the woman on the seat across from her was discreetly breastfeeding her child. She commented that she was outraged that the mother did that in public. She said that there is a time and a place and that wasnt the right thing to do. :mad: WRONG!!!!! The time is when your baby is hungry - and the place is wherever you happen to be at the time!! :p

Thats all you need to think about. Let people think what they want to. Hold your head high and remind yourself that breastfeeding is a beautiful natural thing. :D

ThomasMum

27-07-2005, 13:50

The joys of life! These people huh??? Where did they come from? Don't they have any friends, family or someone they know who have babies? They way they gawking at you I swear to god they were like from different planets!

I'm just copying my DH's attitudes, being a calm person he is. I just ignored them, although one time I actually said to this nosey-parker to can it! I was like, never seen beautiful people breastfeeding baby before yeah? And they stopped starring at us almost immediately!

Oh what fun!

So my suggestions is don�t waste your time to these people. It's a free country. We don't break the law, they are! Coz they squashing our rights!

:)

onabreak

27-07-2005, 18:14

My daughter had to be bottlefed, so I never breast fed in public. I think it is wrong for people to complain.

It is ok for people at any age to eat when and where they want WHY can't a baby. If your baby is hungry they need to be fed.

I would tell them to stick it up there bum. (Sorry)

aardvark

27-07-2005, 18:21

I figure the baby has to be fed, they don't have to look.

kylietheplanetgirl

27-07-2005, 18:32

Do people still respond this way? I am shocked I am due in a few weeks and intend to breastfeed my little one. I really think that it is those that have such narrow views that miss out on the whole 'life' thing.

aardvark

27-07-2005, 18:39

Yes people still respond this way.

At #2's baptism, she was crying and due for a feed, so I fed her in the church.

I had some disapproving looks from some older people in the congregation, but I wasn't about to take her outside to feed her.

Milly

27-07-2005, 20:55

My goodness! How rude of those people! That is just shocking!

I would have probably been gobsmacked too, but their reactions were unnessary. They must live under a rock if they think what you were doing was wrong.

That has me shocked too. I didn't think people reacted like that anymore. Try not to worry though. It shows up their ignorance.

A lady who was breastfeeding her baby at our local shopping centre had an old man come up and harass her about it and she was so appalled that she wrote a letter to the local paper and they did a story on it. It was great. :D

27-07-2005, 21:14

Is the child you are referring to your 4.5 month old baby????

If so, that is just amazing to me that people are still so closed minded, and it is really hurtful sometimes, but really, the only way bf will ever become normalised is if brave women such as you continue to bf regardless of peoples atitudes.

I still bf my 17 month old son, in public if he wants to, and to be honest, i haven't had a bad comment, but perhaps that is because I always look at him while I am feeding.

I refuse to go into nursing rooms on principle, I am determined to get bf out there in peoples faces, it is time they realised it is a completely normal, natural thing.

Good on you for standing your ground, and I agree that retaliating really doesn't help anything.

Angie

Milly

28-07-2005, 17:35

Actually I have seen quite a few women breastfeeding at our local shopping centre food court recently and another at a street front cafe in a posh cafe strip. It brought a real smile to my face and made me feel so empowered. It was wonderful and I was so pleased to see it. I think that once a woman is comfortable with breastfeeding that she should feel more that free enough to breastfeed in public and not have to retreat to a Parent's Room. Many women are so discreet about it, you would not even know what they are doing anyway. I know that in the early days I was very shy about breatfeeding in public, but as soon as I built up confidence and it became second nature, I was amazed at the ease I felt just plugging my baby in wherever I was and not feeling uncomfortable. The convenience was fantastic. Especially when eating lunch at cafes, restaurants and chatting to friends. It was great that I did not have to run away and hide and excuse myself from the company I was with.

Emily's moocow

30-07-2005, 20:43

Some people just have no common sense about them at all. I fed my two boys for 14 months wherever and whenever they wanted it. I never received comments when my husband was with me but if I was by myself people thought it was their god given right to chastise me. I've actually had people tell me to take my baby into the toilet to feed. I'm disgusting doing it in public. Well as you can imagine I didn't take too kindly to that comment and I let rip in the middle of a major shopping centre. I told these people where they could go ands asked if they would like their lunch served in a toilet. Of course they wouldn't was their reply. Well neither would my baby so take your comments and bugger off I told them. I have had a few positive comments while out with my 10 month old DD and a few stares but now I just say would you like a better look or perhaps you'd like a sample in a cup this tends to shut them up and stops the stares. But then again this subject is a very important one for me and I refuse to feel alienated for feeding my children.

Nothing against you ladies who for many reasons bottlefeed, but do you get the same comments if you pull out a bottle. No so what is wrong with the breast. I know you get comments like you should be breastfeeding.

Why do people feel compelled to judge us by our feeding choices? We are all doing what is best for each of our individual children and what works for us!

Be Brave Go girls and feed your bubba's anywhere you like. :)

Teresa mummy to Brock 5 1/2 Jacob 4 and Emily 10 months

xkwzit

30-07-2005, 21:16

Hi All
I think its one of those things that ppl don't warn you about parenthood - complete strangers feel that they have the right to comment on your parenting style. Comments are often also completely contradictory -
sometimes (as unfortunately demonstrated here) breast feeding women cop comments
some bottle feeding mothers are also criticised for bottle feeding babies
and some (OK perhaps A LOT) of women are criticised for bf older children (which is a bit strange given the general concensus that bf is good for babies)

The thing is that someone is ALWAYS going to think that they know better, but you can't let that affect your parenting decisions. These ppl are ingnorant of your situation and you cannot give away your power to them, nor will you be able to please everyone. They aren't worth your concern, nor are they worthy of affecting your parenting style - I know that's easier said, but I'm sure with practice its possible :) .

Cheers (and hugs)

red crayon

31-07-2005, 15:47

I'm just adding my support to all breastfeeding mums. Do what is best for you and your baby and bugger everyone else (especially total strangers!). I have to say I've not had any comments. I've been living in south east asia for the past 4 months and no-one ever seems to be bothered by breastfeeding in public. I wonder if attitudes to public breastfeeding differ between cultures? I wonder if in cultures where the breast isn't fetishised as a sexual object the attitudes to breastfeeding is different? I guess we are suffering the legacy of the page three girl :D

BugBias

31-07-2005, 17:29

Thanx for all your comments girls they really helped, especially the would you like to sample a cup one! :p LOL!
I just thought I'd take the time out to tell supportive people how much it means to me! I was begining to feel battered! Plus my MIL asked me to put my 5 month old son on bottle cause I was HOGGING him! :eek:
I almost tore stipps of her when my DH came to my recuse!
I gald other people feel bf is very important

Thanx all :D

Kim
------------------
DH 23
DM 22
DD 3
DS 5 months

BigW

02-08-2005, 07:46

Hear hear Aardvark. A baby has needs that have to be met, adults/other people around us have a choice to not look. I like that.
Someone once said to me that we as adults don't want to sit in a toilet to eat, so why should we make our children. I agree totally. Breastfeeding was meant to be there to meet the needs of our little people, whenever they needed it .... we weren't all born with sterilising units and bottles attached!
I am b/f my wee man on demand, and if caught somewhere where he needs a feed, then so be it - try and explain to him at 12 weeks old why you can't feed him in public!
Go you good things, hold your heads up high and be proud. Your body is performing the most amazing thing by nourishing and providing for your little people.

P - mum of Zak 12/05/05 :)

mummycloud

02-08-2005, 09:28

I know you shouldn't HAVE to wear one, but I know there are these sweet new tops that have a small flap that you just lift a little and put bubs on and no-one can see.
unfortunalty there are always going to be ignorant, mornonic, fools out there that are going to make you feel uncomfortable for doing what's best for you and your baby.
Atleast this way you won't be made to feel like crap. It's hard not to be affected by these comments, I'm so sorry that this old woman called you disgusting, and good on you for not lowering yourself to her level by swearing at her (I don't have such self control).
I've been lucky enough to have never had a bad comment from anyone while breastfeeding in public, infact most people smile at me.

madvoice

03-08-2005, 00:04

Nothing against you ladies who for many reasons bottlefeed, but do you get the same comments if you pull out a bottle. No so what is wrong with the breast. I know you get comments like you should be breastfeeding.
Teresa mummy to Brock 5 1/2 Jacob 4 and Emily 10 months

I was breastfeeding up until my daughter was 3 1/2 months old. I wish I could've breastfed longer. I just spontaneously dried up. I got all the comments under the sun while I was breastfeeding though. Especially the "make yourself decent" well I went off my trolley at that one. Now that I am formula feeding (not by choice but by necessity) I STILL get the comments like " didn't bother to try breastfeeding did you?". "Isn't that taking the easy way out?".. I could go on. You get comments regardless of whether you feed your baby breast or formula. I say a great big congratulations to those mums who stand up for their babies regardless of how they're feeding them.

red crayon

03-08-2005, 11:36

Why is that people feel the need to comment? I can't understand why a person would go up to a stranger and without knowing anything about their situation and make an unwanted comment? Why do you think this happens?

Supermum

04-08-2005, 19:58

I find it an absolute farce that society has decided that breastfeeding is ok ... but only if you do it in private. I means calves drink cows milk, goats drink goats milk, if babies weren't meant to drink mother's milk not only would we not have milk ... we wouldn't even have bloody breasts!

The only accepted form of public feeding is to whip out a manufactured plastic bottle and a manufactured plastic teat containing pre-made formula.

My children were both breast and formula fed so I'm not judging here.

I just think society has got it all wrong.

Personally, I think a woman breastfeeding her baby is one of the most beautiful things on earth.

red crayon

04-08-2005, 22:21

I have to agree, Supermum. I have the sneaking suspicion that some sections of society like the idea of women having babies but as long as it isn't in public view. These people are the ones that want all pregnant women to either stay at home or wear huge tents with bows around the neck; all women to breastfeed but, as you've commented, do it at home; and all children to be seen but not heard.

Chickadee

04-08-2005, 23:03

.... The only accepted form of public feeding is to whip out a manufactured plastic bottle and a manufactured plastic teat containing pre-made formula.

I actually got dirty looks when giving my daughter a bottle in public. You can't win.

I saw tonight on one of the current affair programs, there was a piece on mums who choose to bf their kids over the age of 2. It was interesting. Probably only on because it's Breastfeeding Week.

draught

05-08-2005, 08:24

I was very lucky - the first time I fed my daughter in public was in a cafe. The owner made a point of coming over and telling me how lovely it was to have a tiny baby in the cafe and how much she had enjoyed feeding her own children. It made me relax instantly.

I have fed both my girls in all sorts of public places (because as we all know, when a baby needs feeding it doesn't care WHERE it is) including airports, on planes, in parks, in shopping centres, restaurants, art galleries, and zoos. I have been fortunate - although a few people have appeared embaressed and looked away, I have never had any negative comments. Although I like to think that I would have a snappy comeback if someone did say something I suspect that I would be so taken aback that I would say nothing, so I am storing up some of the comments here to use if it ever happens!

As a point of interest - some of you might remember the fuss made when the Victorian politician Kirsty Marshall dared to feed her 10 day old daughter in parliament. My daughter was the same age to within a day or so and I really felt for her. A friend of mine who is a political advisor commented to me that she thought that Marshall did it to score political points - I had to point out to her that with a 10 day old baby the last thing on your mind is where you are - you are so focussed on getting her to attach properly and feed properly and doing it as quickly as you can that nothing else matters. It reminded me that people who haven't had babies just don't understand the immediacy of babies needs. So some of them are just ignorant, and not intentionally rude.

crinny

05-08-2005, 09:45

I was horrified to hear that this has happened to you! I often feed my DD in public, I used to use a blanket but she also pulls it off - so I dont even bother now. I have never had any comments, sometimes funny looks - but I am usually so engrossed that it doesnt even register! I recently went to America, and they have no feeding room facillities like we do - There was no option but to feed in the open. I was a bit embarassed at first but quite a few older ladies came up to me and told me how wonderful they thought it was that I had chosen to breast feed and that I wasnt letting other peoples opinions stop me from doing what was best for my baby! So yes to all those nosy parkers who obviously have absolutely no life at all (if they have time to comment on how you choose to feed your baby!) I agree - F off.

Mum2Tyla

07-08-2005, 16:12

Hi,
I am 20 weeks pregnant and have every intention of breast feeding my baby where and when she needs it, just for the record it is against the law for any cafe, restaurant etc to refuse you service or ask you to leave if you are breast feeding, I will use facilities if they are available and clean but I refuse to feed my child in a toilet, why should i be made to feel like I am some kind of sicko because I chose to feed my child in public, I personally feel anyone who finds breastfeeding offensive has some serious mental issues and should have some therapy, don't let anyone make you feel bad for giving your child what she needs and requires.
Kelly :)

jarrahsmumma

08-08-2005, 17:51

i saw that current affairs story too, i thought it was great that mums could feed their kids until that age, i dont know if i could last that long. more power to them.

natalie

Briannabear

09-08-2005, 08:28

I didnt see it. What did they say?

Merlion

13-08-2005, 01:56

I'm a bit of a prude if i do say myself. I wouldn't go to the pools without a t-shirt over my bathers. But when I was in hospital having Jessica I used to have express milk every four hours as I couldn't breast feed her for the first 7 days of her life due to her being in neo-natal (she was in there for 10 days and we were in hospital for 12).

I used to have nurses and dr's walking in and out of my room for obs or just checking up on me. The first couple of days I used to cover up and make sure I was decent after that I just bared myself up but I made sure the blinds where shut (there was contruction work going on downstairs and i thought if i could see them they probably could see me). The only real time I didnt pop the boob out was when I had visitors other than family.

Once I got out of hospital I used to pop the boob out when I was home and feed my daughter the only person I didn't do it front of was my grandfather because he got embarrased but I had no problems about that and just left the room or covered myself up with a receiving blanket. We used to go to a friends house and I used to leave the room and her hubbie said to me you don't have to leave i said i was embarrased to bf in front of him and he said that its natural and to go ahead and do it.

I had to breast feed in public when she was 3 months old and due to the fact I was not producing enough milk after her feeding on both sides I had to make a bottle up so she wouldn't scream the house down I got some dirty looks and one lady said "you not trying hard enough" :confused: . I nearly decked her. What is making sure she gets enough food a crime if so i commited a crime so put me in jail :mad: .

She now is fully bottled fed as after 5 months of breast feeding 3 times a day and bottle feeding her the rest of the time she got refused to breast feed anymore. I would still do it if i could.

I remember reading a article not long ago about a woman bf her son till he was 9 years old (once when he woke up and once before he went to bed). I thought that was a bit bizarre but to each their own

Benandrewsmum

13-08-2005, 11:39

Wow, some people just need to get with the program.

It is great that you are comfortable enough to feed in public. My little guy is 3/12 months and I have only just started to feel comfortable enough to feed him in a feeding room.

I also have a problem of when my mother-inlaw comes to stay at our house (sometimes for a week at a time!!) that I am not comfotable enough feeding in front of her. As a consequence I take my feeding chair into Ben's room and feed him in there for the whole week! We don't have a very good relationship and I just don't think I a) want her to see my boobs and b) don't wan't her to be included in mine and Ben's special time.....

I don't think I ever contemplated how much feeding would take over your life once bub was born!!

Cheers

Donna

Georgie'smama

15-08-2005, 14:02

Hi guys, i thought i would add to this thread- I breastfed my son until one week ago (he is 18 months) and i have had a range of comments directed at me in all this time.Most recently family has started saying to me- don't you think he's getting too big for that now? (i say if i have milk, then why not let him have it!- i recently had to wean him as i am pg again, and i was getting tired of Georgie hanging off the boobie now they are getting so sensitive!) I had to bf once during a doctors appointment, and as i was talking to him, i said i'm sorry i have to feed him, whipped the boob out, and plugged Georgie in- the doctor (an educated man one would assume!) was so shocked he must have taken about 1 whole minute to carry on talking, and then addressed the rest of the talk to my mother. He then finished the appointment telling me the bf is the best thing in the world for my baby. I left his office in hysterics and me and mum have giggled about his face and loss of words alot since then! I know what you all mean about covering up, it was easier when Geogrie was very little, but after about 3 months, he would pull whatever i had covered him up with off- i found if i had a loose t-shirt on, then i could feed him underneath it without too much fuss, and once i was sitting in a cafeteria of a shopping centre, and this guy came up to me, holding a child that was about the same age as Georgie. He hasd a big smile on his face, and was haoppily chatting away, asking how old my baby was, was he talking, etc yet. Then he said, it's a pity he's asleep, mario(this guys son) would have liked to say hello, i said if you wait two minutes he'll be done eating and we can introduce them. He was mortified that he had been talking to a bf woman and ran away- lol :D It DOES make me laugh at the intolerance sometimes. Other comments i've had from people have been- I'm being UNFAIR to both my hubby and my baby, because i was bfing and so they couldn't have feeding time together :eek: Anyway sorry for the long post- i started writing and it just all came tumbling out. Good on everyone who can bf, and if you can't manage it, know that your still doing the best for your baby-if you r stressing because you don't feeli comfortably, or in fact are in pain, then the baby also gets stressed. Each to his own, and remember you are a mother, and your first duty is to your child, so everyone else with their unwelcome comments can just bugger off! :mad:

sasholi

26-08-2005, 10:13

Well as mothers we can never do anything right hey!

I got dirty looks while breastfeeding in public too (I refuse to breastfeed in a toilet. My son is hungry, WE get to eat in restaurants so why can't he!) but I just smile at those who are greasing me off.

But once I bottle fed in public and I got dirty looks over that too, and someone even said it's a shame more people don't breastfeed anymore.

I guess you are damned if you do damned if you don't!

Rainbowbrite

26-08-2005, 17:25

I just have to say that I gave in 2day & breastfed MJ in a food court. I saw someone else doing it and thought why the hell not. No-one said anything, and I don't know if i got looks, I was looking at her the whole time. It was awkward but my sister was with me & if anyone had said anything, she would have pounced.

Sorry, just had to share, i'm so proud :)
RB

Foxymoron

26-08-2005, 17:54

I feed my babes, anywhere anytime! I give as good as I get when it comes to dirty looks, and I'll say something loud about how backward people are if they can't cope with a breastfeeding woman yet there are adverts everywhere with half naked women! DD at age 2 would have boobie whilst mama had a cappacino, in the trendiest of cafes! I've run the gauntlet of "aren't you finished feeding yet? that's disgusting" I just smile and say I'll wean her at the school gates :p The more of us who refuse to sit in a room that reeks of poo ( let's face it, those change and feeding rooms get busy with mamas changing smelly bums) the better! YOU can eat your lunch out with everyone else, and let bubby enjoy a boob! I'll shut up now, can you tell I'm a lactivist??? :rolleyes: