Mothers and Daughters becoming mothers....

[mslilyponds]

I have noticed something. All of my friends except one have had major fights with their mothers while pregnant or while having small children.

They all feel like their mothers are not providing adequate emotional and/or practical support. They feel that their mums are being selfish and unhelpful.

The one friend who found childbirth brought her closer to her mum, had her mum move in as a full time nanny....

Do we have unrealistic expectations of our mothers or is it just a time when we examine the relationship more closely and suddenly have a little pink wrinkly reason to stand up for ourselves?

I will also note that I know some of these mothers and they never were that great....

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

I know many people who have problems with their mum not being supportive. I don't think the mother (now grandmother) has to give up everything in order to become a full time carer or nanny. However a bit of help wouldn't hurt.

[mixinitup]

I didn't talk to my mum for 2 years after my son was born, she barely payed attention to him and refused to hold him when i flew him up to meet all the family:no:to this day I still don't understand what it was all about:confused:Still hurts to think of how she acted, rejecting him was rejecting me and what I stood for as a mother, that's how i feel anyway...and she totally acts like it never happened.
So yer definetly changed the dynamics of our mum/daughter relationship.

[LolliLips]

I'm much closer to my mum now. Mostly coz now I know and understand wat she went thru (raising me and my sis)
I think it helped her too, she feels like we have common interests or atleast I have the interests she used too.

[SassyMummy]

My mother was the only person there for me when I was pregnant. My then-DP wasn't. He was there when he felt like it, as were friends and other family members...

But my mother was there for me always.

She attended antenatal classes with me when my then-DP was too wussy to tell his boss I was pregnant and as for a little time off to attend (I was happy to go by myself, but the midwife holding them criticised me for going alone the first class, so I never went alone again).

She took me to all appointments.

She was with me in hospital for the four days I was being induced. She was there every single day after I had DD in hospital - even when it wasn't visiting hours, she just sat there and watched me sleep.

She was amazing. She was there for me, never overcrowding me, just sitting there ready in case I needed her.

She was the most fantastic support ever.

I love her to bits.

[BabelFish]

I've become a thousand times closer to my Mum since being pregnant and having our baby. We've clashed plenty of times in the past (we're both control freaks) but we just `clicked' when DD was born. I couldn't believe it.

She has been an unwavering, unerring support for me and DP. She's had our daughter over to sleep once a week since she was six months old, and has looked after her so much. I find myself calling her almost every day just to tell her little things, she's had some fantastic advice and my DD loves her SO much that when Granny is around nobody else exists!!

It's really incredible, and has brought me closer to my Dad, too. We've always been a close family, but having children has brought me closer to them. Sadly, it's pushed my eldest brother away more - we hardly ever get to see them and their daughter. His wife is beautiful but she has such a horrible mother that having a child of her own I think made her withdraw into herself and as a result nobody really sees them that much. It breaks my parents' hearts.

They do it because they love me and the want to help, but also because they just ADORE DD. It's such a special relationship, I'd never swap it for anything in the world.

I feel so desperately sorry for people who can't share their parenthood with their own parents. Children are supposed to bring people closer together, and so often they drive them apart for silly reasons. I want to give :hugs: to everyone in this thread who feels like their Mum has let them down. It's so sad, your Mum is supposed to be the central focus of your life, and then you move away from them, and then when you have your own baby you need your Mum again, more than ever.

It's rotten that it isn't that way for so many people :(

[Pax]

I reckon it is because people put too many high expectations on their mother.

I dont think a grandmother owes her daughter/daughter in law any assistance whatsoever!

I think if she gives it as a gift it should be appreciated but never expected.

that said... those that dont give their assistance lovingly and without compromise I think are pretty mean people...

It shouldnt be expected, but it is mean to withhold it.. (in summary)

I also believe that grandparents should be allowed a little bit of time with their grandchildren without their kids telling them how to parent them

I will feel a bit insulted if my kids TELL me how to parent their children..

like DUH I only raised 5...

and here they are at their beginning of parenthood and telling me what to do...

yeah i can see from a grandparent view that would be pretty frustrating.

if people just got over this sense of 'ownership' of kids and recognised that children dont belong to anyone but they are PART of the whole family.. then a lot of this nonsense of

...................I am entitled to raise my kids my way and my parents better do what i say................

would not go on..

[jaq]

I think there are so many different dynamics at work, that there are a million different reasons the relationship can sour.

I will admit to having been quite surprised at people's willingness to treat grandma as free childcare, always available at the drop of a hat. Support is one thing; an unpaid, underappreciated employee is another. I think EXPECTING that has the potential to damage the mother-daughter relationship (as well as the child-grandparent relationship.) Grandchildren should be a pleasure, not a chore.

Another issue that seems to come up a lot is women who aren't ready to become grandparents. They feel too young, too unprepared to fill a very stereotyped role. Just because the daughter is full of nesting hormones, doesn't mean the mother is ready to give up growing old disgracefully etc. Older women have had to fight social expectation and stereotypes much longer than younger women have ... mothers are allowed to have their own agendas and quirks.

Perhaps there is difficulty in seeing her own daughter as anything other than dependent or a child; perhaps the relationship with her OWN mother or grandmother was difficult. Or perhaps, some women, going into pregnancy and motherhood, have idealised expectations that don't actually fit their own mothers or lives?

Stripping someone of their individual status, and expecting them to be "grandma" or just "Mum", rather than giving them credit for their own emotions, feelings, foibles etc .... that's only going to end badly. And a mother-daughter relationship that is already troubled might improve with a baby, or it might fall apart.

It's interesting, though, how many people are so super-annoyed by other people's opinions, and can't just listen and move on. If it's the person who wiped your bum and got up 10 times a night for YOUR first six months, surely its got to be hard to be ignored, and told your experience means nothing?

[Jakois]

My mother was the only person there for me when I was pregnant. My then-DP wasn't. He was there when he felt like it, as were friends and other family members...

But my mother was there for me always.

She attended antenatal classes with me when my then-DP was too wussy to tell his boss I was pregnant and as for a little time off to attend (I was happy to go by myself, but the midwife holding them criticised me for going alone the first class, so I never went alone again).

She took me to all appointments.

She was with me in hospital for the four days I was being induced. She was there every single day after I had DD in hospital - even when it wasn't visiting hours, she just sat there and watched me sleep.

She was amazing. She was there for me, never overcrowding me, just sitting there ready in case I needed her.

She was the most fantastic support ever.

I love her to bits.

What a wonderful relationship you have with your mum Stacey:goodvibes:.


As for my experience, well my relationship with my mum has always been quite up and down.

It didn't get better or worse when I had mychildren.

I do love her very much though and understand the difficulties she has had in her life ( married at 15 & first child at 16).

[Boobycino]

I have a very close relationship with my mum, we talk on the phone each and every day. I need someone to debrief too and she loves that she can hear Jasper babbling to himself in the background.

I will say though, she started talking about how nice it would be to move in with us, or we get a place together and she helps take care of Jasper and I had a mild panic attack! It took me a couple of weeks to build up the courage to say no to my mum, because I love her so much, but I'm pretty happy having our distance.

[sunnyflower]

My relationship improved a lot when i had my son.

She was there when i gave birth as i was on my own.


Her and my ds just took to each other like a duck to water,

I cease to exsist really when my mum is around.

She has done her very best to be supportive:)

[MumNeedsCoffee]

My relationship hasn't changed with my mother, or father.
They are both very supportive.
The only issue I had was just after DD was born and I would call Mum several times a day crying that I couldn't cope.
Mum and Dad would come over, tell me to 'cheer up' and leave quickly.
My family doesn't believe in depression, they think it is a choice and only weak people say they have it.
And after I was hospitalised for postnatal depression/psychosis they still didn't understand.
But they love me and DD and come over often with things for DD.

[mrsc84]

I was complete opposite. You can never conceive a mothers love until you are one. I finally understood how my mother feels about me and my brother and sister. And how much she did for us. Especially been a single mother. I feel closer to her now and understand her better.

Mum was there for both births, said it was the hardest thing to watch- me in pain.