Do you think men are put off dating women if they have children?

[Chloe01]

Hello Everyone,

I am newly separated and i have 2 young children. There is a man who i am attracted to who seems to be attracted to me too.
He and i get along extremely well and really enjoy each others company but the problem is that he has made a few remarks that he could never date someone who has kids.
His ex has 3 children and they went out for years.
What my understanding is of this situation is that he likes me a lot but over time he has thought about it and the fact that i have kids is a huge barrier for him.

Friends tell me that he and i should at least go out for a coffee and leave the kids out of it (i would do this anyway).

He seems frustrated because i seem to be everything he wants except that one small detail.

Have any of you been in a situation like this that has worked out?
I don't want to give up on him yet as he has in the past been with a woman with kids so he has it in him.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

BTW we have never been out or done anything.

Chloe

[NibbleCurlynBub]

Never date someone with kids?

He knows you have children, right?

Honestly, I think that you are setting yourself up for a bit of a fall. If he truly loves you, he will respect, admire and love that you are a mother.
He doesn't have to love your kids right away, but it sounds like he isn't even open to the idea.

Chances are, that he is saying that he wouldn't go out with someone with kids again because he had a bad experience with it. Could be any reason for that though, really.

[Chloe01]

I don't want him to base his decision on a past experience with a different woman, different kids and different everything but at the end of the day he has the right to his decision. Sometimes it sounds like he istryint to convince himself of this....not sure.

[Ana Gram]

We all base our decisions on past events. He must have found it difficult to become attached the the children and then not see them again once the relationship failed. Which is perfectly reasonable.

I wouldn't put too much hope into him coming round to the idea. If it happens, it happens. If not, find someone who will accept your children.

[Mrs Nietzsche]

Nothing like that ever happened to me and tbh I wouldn't waste my time on a man who said anything like that

[NibbleCurlynBub]

Nothing like that ever happened to me and tbh I wouldn't waste my time on a man who said anything like that
I agree. As well as with what Chelle said.
We can't help but have our choices influenced by past experience.

[Chloe01]

I do agree with you all, i'm certainly not holding my breath for anything to happen.
I also believe that just because a single mother is not on his wish list, he can't control who he is attracted to and i believe this is what is happening.
I told him that he may have to reassess his wish list and he agreed which i thought was a good sign that he may be open to the idea BUT we have not spoken since.

[NibbleCurlynBub]

Yes, it is a possibility. He might continue on, meet your kids and find them nice enough and you both can have a relationship.

I hope you get the best outcome, I really do.

[Bountiful]

Not in my experience!! If anything, I've gotten more offers since becoming a mother than I ever got when I was a footloose and fancy-free single woman :laughing:

Of course, there are some dirtbags out there who will pretend like they don't mind we have children, who somehow are never able to spend time with us during daylight hours, yet don't have a problem with having sex with us :rolleyes:

There are some great men out there, I know we single mothers feel like a 'good man' is somewhat like the abominable snowman (ie. rumoured to be out there, but nobody's ever seen one LOL) ...... but let me tell you, good men are there!!! I've met one :)

[Myztik]

I think it depends on the man in question.

I think a some guys assume that a single mother is looking for a father figure for their children and that scares them.

Maybe he needs reassuring that you are not expecting an 'instant family' to happen?

ETA - when I met my DF the fact that I already had a child was one of the things that brought us together (as he also had a boy from his previous relationship) so I may be wrong.

[Chloe01]

If i have to say something positive about him it's that at least he's being honest about his feelings and not pretending that it's ok just to get you know what:shame:.

I think if we were able to go out just him and i and were able to talk properly then some of these issues could be discussed in depth. Would it be too forward of me to ask him out for coffee?:o

[Mrs Nietzsche]

I think if you are after a fling yourself, then fine. But I think looking for a serious relationship with a man who has stated clearly he doesnt' want one with a woman with children is just setting yourself - and your *children* up for heartache.

[Amara]

I wouldn't bother with him personally. He's been upfront with you - he does not want a relationship with a woman with kids. Simple.

Maybe he's sensed your attraction to him & he's trying to let you down easy by saying that.

Maybe he's been in a relationship with a woman with kids & found it hard not seeing the kids again when they split.

Maybe he just didn't like having someone else's kids around.

Maybe he didn't like the fact that a woman with kids usually still has to deal with her ex, or perhaps his ex girlfriends ex made a lot of trouble for them as some men don't make it easy for women when they start bringing strange men around their kids.

There are lots of reasons why he may not want to date a woman with kids. He's told you he doesn't want to do it, I say leave it at that.

[Chloe01]

The reason why i am so confused about this situation is that even though he has clearly stated that he doesn't want to go out with a woman who has kids, his actions tell me something else.
He pays me heaps of attention when i see him at his work, purposely books me in for longer appointments so that we have longer time together, we obviously enjoy each others company, he's always joking about going out etc.

I guess the reason why i'm hoping that there may be a bit of hope is that he seems confused about the situation, almost like an inner conflict with what my situation is and what he wants.

I am going to confront him and ask him why i get so much attention etc and hopefully make him acknowledge that he is attracted to me.
I realise it may go the opposite way but i would prefer to know either way.
I just don't want to give up without really knowing what's going on. I think sometimes we say things that we don't mean or we think we do but we have never REALLY talked about it.

[JadeyBaby2]

This has happened to me a few times as I have a good package on offer - just without the child (now children).....no it doesn't work out. Your child is part of your package and without acceptance of that it's not ok.

[tyler's mum]

I think most men are

[subprime09]

Unfortunately, I also think most men (at least the ones without kids themselves) would be initially put off by a woman with a child. A lot of men would be concerned about becoming financially responsible for a child which is not their own, This is understandable in a way.

In time a man may grow to accept the situation and be prepared to bear some responsibility for the child but I think a lot would have run well before this stage.

I hope I am wrong but I am preparing for a really tough time dating again (when that time comes). :thumbsdown:

I also hope you end up being the exception :)(stupid 'he's not that into you' references :geek:)

[MissMetal]

id be telling this guy to go jump....
thats the biggest turn off a guy could possibly say to me, in regards to relationships... there would be no more attraction for me what soever, something i could never get past :no:

[Sammy76]

He seems frustrated because i seem to be everything he wants except that one small detail.


One small detail? Mmm, I think having a child isn't a small detail, to him it is an obvious big one.

I wouldn't bother to be honest hon. Sorry, kick him to the curb.

In my honest opinion, things could possibly be ok in the beginning, but dating is SOOO not easy when having a child. There are going to be times that you can't drop everything to go on a date with this man, and he will likely somehow find it irritating, by then you may think he is awesome and head over heels, and it may make you resentful of dating with a child. Not saying that it will make you resentful of your child, just make your situation so much harder than it is when dating with children iykwim,,,

[Mrs Nietzsche]

Honestly this is how women get in trouble. Men tell them the truth (I'm not ready for commitment, I still love my ex, I don't want to date someone with children, blah blah etc) and women choose not to hear.

:no:

[Chloe01]

Maire you are so right!

Because this situation is not as easy as it appears i've put more thought and time into it that i would have is this guy was anyone else.

His previous gf had 3 kids and he was prepared to be stepdad to them but she needed some space so they broke up after a few years.
He is telling me that it is hard to go out with someone who has got kids due to kids schedules,etc BUT he did it and still would be with her if she didn't end it. This is what makes me think that of course it's not on his fantasy list but with the right person it might work.

Also he knows that i am financially secure, have my own house, employed, and all those things.

I am going to have a chat with him this week and see what he says.
Because initially i didn't make it obvious that i was interested in him (due to my marriage break up being the focus) I sometimes wonder if he was saying these things because he felt rejected by me and didn't want to look stupid.:confused:

[Mrs Nietzsche]

Chloe.. honestly, I understand. I just hope you are really really careful. You are only just getting back into dating and I would be realyl careful before you get your sights set on any particular man just yet.

I honestly never met a man who said he didn't ilke to date women with kids. But thinking about it.. I don't think they would have dared? lol.

The damage that is done to kids if their parent remarries and they become second best is just devestating, and this was my hugest concern when I was dating when I started again.

You really have to come at it from the viewpoint that you and your kids are precious and deserve the best and any man would be, and should feel, honoured to join you. If you take that stance, the right man (or men) will find you.

He needs to prove himself good enough for you and your kids, not the other way around.

[NibbleCurlynBub]

I'm with Maire. I won't go in on it because I don't want it to seem like we are 'ganging up' on you (because it can seem that way sometimes).

XDP has awful memories of his mother re-marrying for a short time and he was apparently a very abusive man and the relationship only ended because he started abusing xDPs mother too.

Don't get in with someone who won't care about your kids.

But perhaps he is just saying that out of fear for having a repeated experience like before. I don't know.

However, if you ask him outright, you will know quickly and things can move on from indecisiveness.

[Chloe01]

I would never put my children in a situation where they would feel second best. If/when i date someone they will not be meeting my kids for a long time as obviously i would have to be sure of the calibre of person i'm introducing to them. They are and always will be no.1.

He needs to prove himself good enough for you and your kids, not the other way around.
Absolutely!!

[Mrs Nietzsche]

Ok! That is good to hear... just don't ever think as per your OP that 'men are put off dating women if they have children'.. because thinking that is a short step to thinking that if you have kids you better take what you can get.

[Chloe01]

Although i do like this guy a lot, i want to get to the bottom of why he is speaking such c**p like this. If he means it that is fine as i will know for sure that he's a tosser!

[Mrs Nietzsche]

That's the way!

I mean fair enough if he feels that way.

But I can't help feeling it is rather rude to say to someone with kids? I would be pretty offended if a guy said something to me and I think he would be able to tell he had slid into my 'd1ckhead' basket. And if he just said it to hide his feelings.. isn't that a bit immature/hurtful to say something about kids?

He might be a really nice guy.. I just find it rather offputting.

[Lil Mamma]

If he is not keen on dating someone with kids, he could end up resenting them if you did get together.

If you are serious about dating him, I personally would introduce him to the children as soon as possible. A potential partner should spend time with you in your natural environment, and it gives you a chance to see how he interacts with your children before you develop any deep emotions for him. JMO anyway.

[Chloe01]

I will not deny that it it a major turn off and a very hurtful thing to say.
It's something that i would never even consider in my wildest dreams saying to anyone.

[Mrs Nietzsche]

yes. and honestly there are loads of men out there... nothing wrong with kissing a few frogs til you find your prince, so long as no one gets hurt. It's not PC to admit it but I'm afraid I'm one who tends to always seem to need to have some kind of love interest, (maybe a lot of people are) and so you have to be careful about where you direct your interest as it's easy to get caught up in your feelings prematurely. If this makes sense? When I think back at some of the experiences I had with men who it was never going to work out with I shudder.. when you find someone who raelly wants to be with you, and your kids, and wants to show you that, it is just so much better.

(I am married again now btw)

[sunnyflower]

I am single and i don't think that just because this guy has stated he doesn't want someone with kids he is a tosser.

I think he is perfectly within his rights to go out out with whoever he wants.!!

I am not sure if i would want to date anyone with kids either! Does that make me a tosser? I am not saying that i couldn't be swayed but i think relationships are hard enough without all that to deal with.

I think at least he is telling you where he stands and i think another conversation about the topic is just what you need to ease your mind.

Then you can find out whether he REALLY doesn't want to date someone with kids OR he is just a little scared after the last experience.

Good luck:)

[SweetSerenity]

My now DP SWORE to himself he would never date another woman with children as he was with his ex for 1.5yrs and got very attatched to her 2 children.

Of course once she ended the relationship, he was heartbroken as he lost them as well as her at the time.

BUT

Then he met me :D and it all went out the window. He was cautious at first but then realised he shouldn't base his decision on a past relationship.

Almost a year later, we've been now living together for 7 months happily and planned our baby which is due in march/april next year :D

It really depends on the man.

Maybe give him some time to hang out with you and your children without the expectation of a relationship and he may realise he may actually live happily with you all :)

Good luck!

[nugglyboysmum]

I have not started to date again yet, but if a man made it dlear to me that he wasn't interested in my a relationship with a single mum I would steer clear no matter how 'sweet' he was

[SassyMummy]

I think it just depends on the individual male. Where they hail from, how old they are, etc etc, might make a difference too.

After I left DDs father, I moved back to my mothers, and went out clubbing a few times with friends. I'd use "I'm a mother" as a "get away from me" type of line, hoping to repel them... but it NEVER worked.

We were living in a lower socio-economic area, and young mothers were quite common - the men I encountered probably had friends, sisters, etc who were also young mothers/single mothers. I'm also young - 22 when I split from DD's father - and I think that may have made a difference. The Gen Y-ers seem less freaked... for some reason?

TBH, the only person who found it a slight turn-off was my now-DP. lol. I think he was put off by the amount of responsibility involved... but it's all good, he and I have been living together for quite some time and it's not been that difficult to combine life as a mother, and life as a girlfriend.

[Pax]

dating NO
committing YES

[SweetSerenity]

dating NO
committing YES

Depends what sort of men they are.

If you make it clear from the word go you don't want to "date" and are looking for something serious...you don't attract all the losers who just want to "date" a single mum :yes:

My DP wanted to commit to me from the word go :goodvibes: But that's because we both made it clear what we wanted from it all.

[Larski]

I'm still new to all this but I must say that noone has been beating down my door to ask me out on dates! LOL

Sorry to stray from the OP... but I just wanted to say a huge 'congratulations' to you Sweet Serenity about the new baby on the way! That is just awesome.

[Chloe01]

It's good to hear some different views on this.

I'm going to stay away from him for a few weeks and give myself some space from the situation.

I was very hurt/disappointed with the comments that he made but i was not sure whether to take them at face value or to delve a bit deeper.
I don't want to give up that easy without at least asking him about it first.
A couple of the things he has stated about going out with someone with kids is that they're not HIS kids, that the woman has to divide her time between him and the kids and holidays can only be taken at certain times of the year. I think his experience with his ex was that they were very separate and maybe his place in the relationship with her and her kids was not an ideal one. They only saw each other twice a week after about 5 years:confused:.

I don't know what to say to this really as i'm not going to try to sell how fantastic me and my boys are to any man, they should see it and be honoured to have us in his life (eventually).

I want to ask him if he thinks it's not worth exploring an attraction with someone just because they have kids. He says at his age (34) most women out there in that age group have too much baggage and kids.
Mmmm isn't that better that to have gotten to 35 and have had no life?

Hopefully in a few weeks i'll have some answers.

[nugglyboysmum]

sounds to me like he is not ready for another relationship full stop. I reckon he needs to do some soul searching before he gets into a new relationship

[Chloe01]

sounds to me like he is not ready for another relationship full stop. I reckon he needs to do some soul searching before he gets into a new relationship


Yes i agree, hopefully by having time away from me he will be able to do some sould searching which he desperately needs. Who knows, he might even miss me!
Don't they say absence makes the heart grow fonder?:p

[subprime09]

. He says at his age (34) most women out there in that age group have too much baggage and kids.

I really don't want to come accross as having a go at you becuase I do hope it works out.

Honestly though, no guy who was in any way interested in a relationship with a woman who has children would say something like that to her.

By all means talk to him but be realistic. Don't read too much into what you think his actions are saying. If your right then congratualtions but if he actually means what he says, then you won't be hurt as much.

Good luck :hugs:

[moc7]

Hi Chloe,
I wish you all the best darl with this man, but take it from me when a man says this he does not accept you wholly and solely, for to accept you is to also accept your children, dont take anything less, you are worth more than that & so are your kids.
Kind regards

[mummaof4]

this is an old thread!! im interested how it turned out though :) any updates?? :D

[mum2bubba]

Not in this situation, some men don't mind, others do. If this man you like has issues with you having children I wouldn't waist anymore time on him. Stay friends by all means, but if he doesn't want to be in a rs with anyone with children you can't force him to like the idea. Or perhaps he might come around to the idea. Just depends on him really.

[MermaidSister]

I work with a guy I really like, and I know he likes me as well. Maybe, we'll see. BUT if he ever came out with a line like that I wouldn't hang onto the idea for another second...

That's just me though :yes: