When things go wrong - recipients

[sarahstarfish]

Hi Ladies

We talk so much abouit the good of egg donation yet we domn't often touch on the things that go wrong..sounds like one of those Sunday night documentaries doesm't it..'When donors attack'.... But there are quite a few things that can go astray pyhsically, emotionally, socially etc that it is good to know, not even in case it happens to you, just so new donors/recipients can see the bigger picture. So have made two threads, not to play tit for tat or to cause any unease or awkwardness or venting please, but so those on either side of the fence can get a feel for just what things can happen beofre, during, after a cycle.

So fire away girls, about the things that can and DO happen, but if we can make sure it's actually based in reality and not soap opera plots where a donor steals a recipient's husband and rides off into the sunset with an esky of embryos! Please share your experiences or those you know of.

Love

Cindy

[sarahstarfish]

Oh damn..edited...forgot which one I was - sorry!

xx

[babydreams]

LOL Cindy, you're funny :)

Good idea for a thread though...it certainly is good to be aware of the things that can go haywire in the egg donation journey.

My example is of something that happened right at the beginning...

During a long process of trying to conceive via IVF we had conversations with several good friends about the fact that at my age, the chances of getting great quality eggs were slim. There is a statistic I heard (not sure how accurate it is) that at 21 yo 90% of your eggs are normal but by 41yo 90% of them are abnormal. Having only married my gorgeous hubby at 41, our chances of success through IVF were only 5-10% per cycle. One fertility specialist I saw mentioned the concept of donated eggs, but at the time we were not ready to give up on mine.

Over time, we realised that our chances of success would be greatly improved by using younger eggs. One of our dear friends had been talking to her daughter about this and the daughter immediately offered to be a donor in the future if things didn't work out for us with my eggs. We were blown away by her generosity and very comforted by having this "fall back" position. During our last two unsuccessful cycles, subsequent pregnancy and miscarriage, we kept in contact with her and gave her information about what was involved.

When we'd healed from the loss we let her know that we were now keen to take up her offer....by this stage a year had passed with her being willing and ready to donate. We got together for a lunch and talked seriously about the logistics of it all as well as the deeper issues. DH & I were very clear that we wanted a known-donor and we asked if she was comfortable with that. We wanted to be sure that our child would have access to her in the future if needed/wanted. She said yes, so we went ahead and booked an appointment with our specialist (who has a three month waiting list). At that appointment we were informed that using her eggs would give us a 60-70% chance per cycle which gave us enormous hope. It was all looking so positive.

Then my donor and her partner went to their first counselling session...this is where it all came undone. The counselling raised all kinds of issues from her own past that she had not dealt with and it became clear that she was not comfortable with known-donation and was certainly not ready to go ahead.

Of course at the time we were devastated...I thought that was the end of all our babydreams. I couldn't imagine that we'd find someone else. But then I found Aussie Egg Donors and the wonderful Cindy who gave me so much support and encourgement. Through her I found out about this new forum on Bubhub and we nervously placed our ad.

In the end it was a blessing because we now have found our wonderful donor whose attitude to donation is very compatible with ours. :smiliedance: I will be proud to tell our future child about her generosity and our donor will have an opportunity to know how the child is going and have future contact.

So, the moral to the story is...talk, talk and talk some more. Get to know someone well before going into a donation arrangement. We thought we had covered everything with our first potential donor, but there were some underlying issues there we knew nothing about until the counselling did its job.

Babydreams xx

[Toni.middle]

Cindy for starting this thread and Babydreams for sharing your story.

This thread was brought to my attention by my potential donor. We have been emailing eachother for a couple of weeks now and she has been nothing short of amazing. As I was looking for an asian/chinese donor I knew that it could take a long time and that we could be in for a lot of dissapointment, then she contacted me via my ad on Bubhub. The great thing is that she is full chinese just like me but she is in Aus and I'm in NZ. We're currently working through the logistics of it all at the moment.

So I guess I don't really want to be on this thread sharing any disappointment of "when things go bad" in the future but I hope to learn a lot if anyone has other stories to share.

cheers

[provencein3]

I guess I could add something to this.

After six months searching searching searching I finally had someone offer who had the same attitude to the whole process as I did, who seems a fabulous person, and who as an added bonus is the same height, weight, eye and hair colour ( we both look like angelina Jolie minus the lips and are hoping to meet Brad Pitt someday - no rush - we're both single).

She lives in Townsville and my clinic has an "outlet" there. I booked the doctors appointment, counselling was discussed with the clinc and phone counselling to be done by phone etc etc

My donor thought they were very obliging after all the horror stories she had heard.

Then......

She went for her appointment and was told...:shame: ...and then :wave: .

They refused to treat her because she has no children.

So now we are sorting through alternatives.

What would life be without a few experiences to write in the memoirs:D

[Toni.middle]

Hi Kim,

I guess it is even harder when you're single to be trying to do this. But don't lose hope look how much the "traditional family" has changed in such a short time.

I hope you find the answer soon.

All the best

[Toni.middle]

Cindy,

Tried to reply to your PM but your inbox is full. Once you clear it, send me another quick note and I'll reply again.

cheers