When things go wrong - Donors

[sarahstarfish]

Hi Ladies

We talk so much abouit the good of egg donation yet we domn't often touch on the things that go wrong..sounds like one of those Sunday night documentaries doesm't it..'When donors attack'.... But there are quite a few things that can go astray pyhsically, emotionally, socially etc that it is good to know, not even in case it happens to you, just so new donors can see the bigger picture. So maybe we make this thread a donor thread from their point of view and start anonther recipient one....I think it was from thinking of things from recipients' perspective that I really got a feel for what ED is all about, is so easy to get cauight up in the romance of 'helping someone' rather than looking closely and clearly at what a donor is actually doing.

So fire away girls, about the things that can and DO happen, but if we can make sure it's actually based in reality and not soap opera plots where a donor steals a recipient's husband and rides off into the sunset with an esky of embryos! Please share your experiences or those you know of.

Love

Cindy

[sarahstarfish]

Oh why not - I'll start!!

I think the main things that can happen are:

Before cycle

During cycle

After cycle.

During cycle
I am a very slow responder to the drugs so is this bit in the middle of the cycle where time stands still and both my recipient and I hold our breath between scans and blood tests - a number of them - which is both nerve racking and a complete pain in the patootie juggling children, school, extra clinic appointments and travelling time. But I guess better to be a slow responder than someone whose cycle is cancelled because of poor response, something that does happen and not as rarely as you might think. For recipients, I can not imagine how awful this must be - is bad enough being the donor on the other side of the fence with nothing to lose but effort and time expended. Is a lot of stress and can feel very guilty that someone has taken a chance on you that is so far not proving a good chance.

After cycle

My first cycle ended in 7 good embryos and although I felt that number was very small, three of them are now living beings, one due in November, so the old 'quality not quantity' is often true. My second cycle was so disappointing, only two embryos and that was really hard to deal with for me, don't even want to think how miserable my recipient was. The cycle was negative as well....is pretty hard to feel good about giving someone a 'chance' when you start thinkng about all the time and energy and money and hope they have invested in you. But gradually it gets better and you can see that a 'chance' is all a donor can give a recipient - don't make the mistake that you are giving these people a 'baby', you are only giving them a chance. Doesn't matter how fertile you think you are, how many children you have easily concieved.....21 year olds have had cycles cancelled, as have 30 year old mothers of four children due to poor response. So just keep it in the back of your mind - donor does not equal baby.

Love

Cindy

[Buzzy Bee]

But gradually it gets better and you can see that a 'chance' is all a donor can give a recipient

That's changed my perspective a lot, I think... just reading that. I'll definitely get it into my head that it's about creating an opportunity or a 'chance' rather that thinking of it as a 'baby'.

[Sunshine11]

I had just posted my comments along this line on another thread before I saw this one, so I will reproduce them below:

I answered three ads in Melbourne's Child before donating for the first time. Couple 1 sounded pleased in their emails, said they had to make appointments, and then never got back to me -ever. One year later I tried again, this time the recipient met with three potential donors and chose someone who had donated before, so I was passed over. I also felt, at one point, that I was in a beauty pageant and being judged on my looks and academic achievements! This did not sit well with me at all, as I felt the gift I was offering should be received as such (not that I am either ugly or stupid!). Finally I found a couple to donate to, though they were quite secretive with me about their details. I did not want extensive contact, but they had agreed to keep me informed of the progress of the pregnancy, and to keep in touch annually. However, around the 20 week mark of the pregnancy they severed all contact with me, wanting to keep the invovlement of a donor secret from their families. I was left wondering if the preganancy had been terminated after the amniocentisis. I did not find out until a year after the birth that they had a healthy son. Whilst I respect their decision, it was very hurtful at the time to be excluded from sharing in their joy from afar, which is the one 'payment' a donor gets for their help. Worse yet, they were not honest in communicating their change of mind to me, and instead I was contacted by the counsellor from the clinic, who seemed to have been given the impression that I was harassing the recipient, and asked nicely to 'back off'. I had only sent two txt messages and left one voicemail message in three months! It felt like a one night stand where I had been used for my eggs and then kicked to the curb. Anyway, I have just started a donation cycle with a lovely new recipient, so it has not put me off, but I have asked that this couple be completely honest with me if they have a change of mind about ongoing or future contact with me.

[miracle4me]

Hi I am an intending parent IP
things go wrong way before starting the cycle.

I've started this journey in July 07 just with known donors and finding anyone to volunteer is very difficult most have read through the info booklets and then change their mind for whatever reason but better earlier rather than later is better before any hopes are raised.
Even if you fit the criteria i.e children and under 35 you may find you might not be medicaly suitable.
We had a one rejected on medical grounds as the FSH injections would affect the medication she was on. another was found to have a medical condition that she was unaware of until the IVF Dr found it in blood tests.
We advertised in the Brisbane Child and an anon donor went through the 1st counselling stage and decided that she wanted to meet us but still be anonymous which and we agreed to all the requests eg regular updates but 1 day before the final counselling session the potential ED decided she wanted a social relationship and the counsellor (not us) ended the donation before even asking us if we would consider it. This was very costly for both her and her partner with regards to the time and effort put in not to mention the financial costs to us but more importantly the emotional effect it had on us. I am sure it was not intended and I know that she had our interest at heart eg just wanting to help. It probably was a learnig experience for her so I am sharing my experiences in the hope that I can help someone else be it an IP or and ED.
It is important that ED are clear in their mind first about what they want before anyone gets hurt. If you want known then state known and how much you feel you need. Don't change your mind halfway through the process.

IP's have to do so much counselling and reading of books articles even before we are even allowed to consider donor eggs. So most IP's have a very clear idea on what they are willing to accept.

Thankyou all for taking the time to read this and I do respect and understand that most potential donors do put a lot of effort and time in before they make the decision to offer donate eggs. I truly have the utmost respect and gratitude for what you do for complete strangers. :flowerz:

[Sunshine11]

How awful for you - did you have no avenues at all to appeal the counsellor's decision? I find it amazing that they would make such a big decision without your input.

I just want to point one thing out to IPs - don't let clinics brainwash you into thinking that your donor HAS to be under 35. Statisically they are advising you to try to find a donor in that bracket to maximise your chances of success, but I donated successfully for the first time at age 37 (one healthy baby boy) and am donating again now at (just turned) 39. Everyone's body and eggs age differently, and a slightly older donor may be better than no donor if you are in a hurry to try a donor cycle. I have spoken to IPs on here who thought that the IVF clinics in Melbourne imposed a hard and fast 'no over 35s' rule and were quite astounded when I told them that it is their money paying the clinic and their choice as to who they accept donor eggs from, regardless of age (within reason).

[Zoe2]

Getting everything out in the open is the best way for everyone involved.
Good for you for starting this thread. :)