Hello, Welcome and Yay!!!

[mollyk99]

I asked BubHub if they would be kind enough to start a forum for those of us who are 'parenting again'.... who through circumstances beyond our control, are now parents to our grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or children of close friends, through the wide variety of ways that extra kids come to us.

I'm looking forward to meeting other people who - just when they thought it was safe to buy a 2 bedroom inner city terrace and live the cafe lifestyle - :smiliedance: suddenly found themselves with a 'second parenting lease on life'.

Come on in! The water is warmer the second/third/fourth time around.

cheers,

Molly
Parent of Five - 23 to 4.

[my_lot]

Hi :wave:

I noticed this last night. Im happy to join you, but we were no where near living a cafe lifestyle :p

We are looking after a relatives teenager, have four little people also at home, tween to toddler, and Dp aslo has a teen but not living with us. So not really second time....Infact more like ground ive never walked before and now im sh!t scared of my own kids being this age :laughing:

But it is fun and always interesting. Looking forward to chatting some more...and dreaming of that condo. :p

[mollyk99]

Hi My_Lot and goodness, you have a houseful, as they say!

We did dream of the cafe lifestyle while we were parenting teenagers (there isn't a Smilie for 'runs around the room going aaarrrggghhh!) and when we packed them off to study and had our lives back we did attempt to put it into action.... alas, 3 more turned up and we had to resign ourselves to hanging out in Macca's instead of Luciano's or The Perfect Bean, rofl.

I think my biggest (secret) peeve is that I really, really wanted to zip about in a small and sporty car, and somehow, I just don't feel special in the people-mover!!!!

[Loopy Linda]

I think my biggest (secret) peeve is that I really, really wanted to zip about in a small and sporty car, and somehow, I just don't feel special in the people-mover!!!!

rofl this is me! i was about to buy my first ever brand new car. i was going to buy a kia rio, those tiny little hatches.

[my_lot]

Linda, its taken us a good few months to be able to look at our situation and see that the kids are settling down. Its still not wonderful but better.

I have had to set aside time for my own in certain ways so they dont feel left out but its so hard to not leave anyone out in one day.

We use the drive/walk home from school to each have a turn sharing our day that kind of cools off the yelling at the dinner table where they all try to go over each other to be heard.

You will have to get something ready for yr 2 & 3yr olds to do while its homework time because they can really disturb the goings on of homework. Maybe something they can do that you only bring out at homework time, like puzzles or colouring ins, so they feel part of the homework thing too. Homework for four school aged kids just takes up sooo much time! Youll have to be sure to give the same time to your kids so their education doesnt suffer and you might find yourself having to help the others where the parents may not have been putting in the effort.

The way they were parented will rub off on your own kids. It amazing what little things they will pick up. Even if its just slang words or what they do and dont eat, you might find your pushing the limits on what they are and arent allowed. Your kids will suddenly have this whole other world in their faces as much as the new kids will feel your world so new and different. It could be easier in your family as your eldest is still the eldest. Mine is no longer and has a poorly parented child to look up to. I feel like im fighting an uphill battle on keeping her her age and with the same respect, morals and values we raised her with.


Keep the kids busy in the afternoons to stop the nitpicking. Make sure they all know they can retreat to a quiet place when another is bugging them. Ours found our house so busy that i had to remind her to have some quiet time rather than yell or swear at the younger kids. Likewise i had to tell the younger ones to leave our new family member in peace sometimes!

Have you got beds and clothes all sorted? Do you know how long you will have care? and what ever did happen to the other sibling that had a dif parent?

[Loopy Linda]

whoops lost it

[mollyk99]

Hi Linda, sorry I wasn't online last night, I have the lurgy (which I refuse to grace with the name, The Flu).

The three youngest came to us from DoCs, at the ages of 5,4 and 2. The 2yo was in hospital for 6 months so we were juggling that as well as integrating these two incredibly abused little girls.

Yes, its permanent. We went to court and gained custody. That's a whole other story but in the end we were given full parenting 'control' (rofl) over all three of them so they cannot (and will not) be going back.

Things we found helpful:

Absolute rock solid rules, non-negotiable. The only way they were going to be able to integrate was by 'relearning' everything and how we did it in our family.

Examples: Bedtime is at 7.30. Read in bed (or have a story read, either or) Lights out at 8. We didn't vary that for the first year, really.

Before bed, bring out your lunchbox, get your school clothes ready for the next day, shoes at the front door, pyjamas on, clean teeth, brush hair, wash face .... I made and laminated signs with pictures.

They didn't feel so insecure if they could 'figure out' what was going to happen next at all points in the day.

They were seeing a counsellor each, to work through issues, and we had to learn ourselves from the counsellors how to handle them talking about what happened to them - you know, what are the right answers, and the wrong answers when they come out with something that just made your blood boil.


The school were fantastic and helped us immensely as well, everyone had to be onboard so it was like Team OurHouse.

Chores gave them a sense of responsibility, rules gave them a sense of security, and the right response s to the terrible things they told us taught them it was OK to talk about it and no one would blame them.

I could go on for pages but it might be easier if you asked a question here and there and I'll address them one at a time, lol.

And please, ask me anything anytime. Its a huge thing you've done, you need support and you need to look after yourself, too.

:hugs::hugs:


Molly.

[my_lot]

Such great advice :yelclap: Works for all ages but any really great tips for teens ??

[mollyk99]

Such great advice :yelclap: Works for all ages but any really great tips for teens ??

I believe that both condoms and the pill are a great preventative measure for you ever having to have teenagers. :D

Teens, mmmm. We've had two. Now in their twenties.

It didn't vary greatly from the above: Rock solid rules. I found the phrase 'You would know best, of course' to be good at defusing things.

Never make a threat you won't carry out, also worked.

We did lots of prepartory work, I guess. We had 'milestones' well defined in advance, so things like

"no makeup til 13, when you can wear clear mascara and clear lipgloss, 15 you can wear coloured mascara and lipgloss, and I'll teach you how to do your makeup so you don't look like a tart....."

I threw the scales out when #1 was 9, I didn't want her weighing herself at all - if you're getting taller, you're going to get heavier so no point stressing about it.

I also - god forbid, I'm sure the entire wrath of bubhub is about to fall on my head - had keystroke logging software on the computer. I accepted that they were going to do stuff they shouldn't, and I could live with that, as long as I knew what it was and where and when. To this day they've never worked out why we used to 'suddenly' go and visit rellies in the country, or be going somewhere for dinner (on a night I had already worked out they were going to be up to something.)

I had our rules on sex, on smoking, on drugs, on alcohol, and all of them were discussed early on, and repeated ad nauseum.

Its a hard one.... I truly believe, preparation is the key... work out what the rules are early, reiterate them from the first time they ask (When can I have a drink at home? Can we have alcohol at my 16th? - think about what those rules are and set the expectations early) and just keep repeating yourself for ten years or so :D.

We used humour - I have teased them silly since they were little - and we ourselves don't do sulking or door slamming so they didn't either.

Now, I've got to see if it works for the next three!!!!!!

Happy to share on any of the above if you need to know, just ask!

Molly.

[my_lot]

Such good advice molly, thankyou.

I already had my own idea on set times for things, ive just never really got there with my tween as she was still to young. Ive also never had it questioned, let alone by a teenager!

and she does make me sit back and think "am i too hard?", "do i expect too much?" ect. but i know she is doing that because she didnt have the same rules and expectations at home. Its hard for her to follow too.

Did you have home time, bed time ect set in cement or different for whats going on and each teen?

[Loopy Linda]

thanks molly.

[mollyk99]

Such good advice molly, thankyou.

I already had my own idea on set times for things, ive just never really got there with my tween as she was still to young. Ive also never had it questioned, let alone by a teenager!

and she does make me sit back and think "am i too hard?", "do i expect too much?" ect. but i know she is doing that because she didnt have the same rules and expectations at home. Its hard for her to follow too.

Did you have home time, bed time ect set in cement or different for whats going on and each teen?

Good grief, old age has hit... I could have sworn I replied to this.... :D

No, you're not too hard. Its your home, your parenting style, and your rules. If they are reasonably fair, it's all good.

Yes, all of ours had/have different bedtimes. Not by much, but everyone goes to bed youngest to eldest, its a 'privilege' and they get wildly excited about 'their' rules.

Same with the milestones... if no child under the age of 15 is allowed to watch an MA movie, then the next one along isn't allowed to any earlier...believe me, to this day I can remember that I wasn't allowed a bike til I was 11 but my younger brother got one when HE was 9. Such are the burning injustices of childhood, lol.

Also, responsibilities... older kids do 'harder' things, and younger ones practically kill to be allowed to do housework (rofl) that fits into a harder bracket (because it means they're more grown up, lol.) If only they knew....

My (probably contentious) view is that kids should be kids. Fairies and hearts and flowers and Santa and magic, for as long as you can. Being an adult sucks, I wanted them to be kids for as long as I could keep it that way.

I've no idea if that answered the question, but I tried!

Molly.

[Loopy Linda]

hi, just quickly, man an extra 2 kids can be so much work! lol but i am loving it too!

[mollyk99]

Hey Linda,

Thinking of you! When we got our girls (the youngest was in hospital for 6 months, so that's another story) it was months before things settled down.

The honeymoon period lasts (the counsellors told us) around 18 months before they truly trust they are safe and staying. We found it was around that long. THEN they got naughty :D but we chose to take it as a sign that they felt secure, lol.

We just went with rules, rules, rules. Gentle rules, but rules none-the-less. Bedtime, meal times, snack times, manners, clothes, hygiene... it was one rule after another but always the same.

With your 'vague' one, its sounds like just plain disorientation and boundary finding, to me. She may never have had to sit and focus and concentrate before. With the school, I"m sure you'll put a plan together to help her understand her boundaries and how she fits into this new world.

Good luck and enjoy. And yell if you need a shoulder, lol, it's a hard adjustment for everyone!

Molly.

[Loopy Linda]

thanks.

18mths...sweet i will take that! lol

hope your family is all well. better go..i should be asleep by now!

[Loopy Linda]

hmm, little quiet.

[mollyk99]

You poor thing, the joys of families, hey?

Well, the whole piercing thing.... I have no idea if there is actually a law about piercing anything other than your ears but you could check that out and quote from it extensively, lol.

How long have you got to go til she's 12... because I find going 'hmmm, really, that's nice dear' quite useful when it came to avoiding things. Failing that bribery was often quite useful where there was a family, erm, parenting disagreement.

You can also suggest to DH that quite frankly, life will be a lot easier if he remembers the magic parenting phrase 'So what did your mother/aunt/guardian/father/uncle say about THAT?' and having the discussion with you privately and not in front of the child currently and happily playing you off against each other. They also learn quickly that one 'parent' will not give them a different answer to the other. (You two may not agree, but you can 'not agree' privately.)

With the FIL... can you (not so subtly), when he calls, say things like 'OMG, they'll ALL be so happy to hear from you!!! ' and maybe put them on the phone in some sort of order (eldest to youngest, girls before boys, whatever works out so that its not just around the 'newbies')?

I found that the 'revoltingly cheerful and helpful' to order things the way I wanted worked quite well from time to time!

(And just for the record, you're nowhere near as mean as me! Ears at 13, nothing else til either 18 or out of the house. My 23yo had her belly button done at 19 but didn't tell me for a year, rofl)

[ohmum]

Hi,
I went to school with a girl who was living with her grandparents we were friends at school her mum died (car crash) when she was 6 and her dad died (cancer) when she was 14 she is now a lawyer and very well adjusted her grandmother is still alive and I see her from time to time very well adjusted and her grandparents did a great job!

[Loopy Linda]

oh mum, thanks.
how are your kids going? did you have them in the beginning without knowing how long they will be in care for?

[mollyk99]

Hi Linda, our munchkins are fine, if that was directed at me, lol,

Two and a half years in, we're on track and doing well. Huge amount of hard work though.

The girls were in counselling for over a year, I recommend it... it's someone that isn't you, trained to deal with issues.

No, we are a bit different to you in the custody arrangement. We responded to a family crisis (made headlines Australia wide so I'll avoid the details if you don't mind) and then
a) went to DoCs and said 'hand 'em over' and THAT is a whole other story
b) went to court to gain full, permanent, legal custody with all parental input stripped from the mother and boy is THAT a story in itself.

So we were never a temporary option, which at least gave us the confidence to parent with a view to the long term.

If your 8yo is lying constantly, it's most likely because she's had to lie all her life to avoid consequences (forgive me if I'm making an incorrect assumption.)

I would really recommend working with professional counsellors and a trauma/abuse team - all of you, the whole family - to provide a constant, consistent and never varying response to certain triggers, actions, and behaviours.

Its such a long hard haul, but it is worth every single second in the end.

And we know, that even if one day they turn around and walk away, we did the very best we could.

Our two girls used to talk about 'doing nothing' when they grew up too. I mean, what can you expect? Thats the example they had.

I used to burst out laughing and tease them about it.

"Oh yes, well THAT will be useful when you want to go on holiday to Dreamworld and have no money!"

"Golly, how bored are you going to be?" and never buy into it really seriously, I used to joke about it.

Now, they both have an idea, from example, that if you want it, you work for it, work is fun if you get to choose it yourself, and a career means you can be a mum and then spoil your kids.

I know the SAHM's might wish to start a discussion on that, but we're not talking here about whether or not being a SAHM is bad. We're talking about bringing girls up to make sensible choices including being a SAHM, not that it's a career choice in itself.

We find, truly, that joking around, humour and fun are the best ways to deal with some of the cr*ppier things they come out with.

God, I didn't mean to write a novel, I'm sorry!

[Loopy Linda]

thanks molly,

dreamworld is good idea! i will have to add that to my good stolen idea list!