please help me

[sunnyflower]

oh i don't know what to do.my mum is getting really *****y and nasty lately and it's getting to the point where i can't bear to be around her and considering cutting her out of my and my sons life.she is really negative,always sick,whingy,gossipy,never satisfiied,puts me down,says nasty things about my son,if when she has asked to have him over for a sleep over,refuses to come visit us,we always have to go over there.she is getting so bad i can only stay half an hour and then i have to leave .she knows i get upset about it,i even told her she is getting nasty,but she just makes us feel so unwelcome.i haven't even been phoning or going over at all.what does everyone think?she is so dysfunctional but won't change.help!!

[FOURtunate]

Menopause...... You've never had to meet my mother. Thank your lucky stars.:eek:

[*Chels*]

I think it would be a good idea to take a wee break from each other.your son doesnt need the negativity,nor do you.
hopefully she will come to her senses and get over herself!
take care:hugs:

[Tarnya]

I haven't spoken to mymum in over a year, same thing always b****ing always judgemental, she did her job raising me I just wish she'd finish raising herself.....to a higher level. I feel for you but have you thought about menopause? It's no excuse but my MIL was a MEGAB****, CRAZY i'm talking throwing glasses, cursing on the front verandah about a coffee cup at 3 in the morning, walked in and woke my 11 month old at the time to say how much she hated her cause she looked like me.....I feel your pain, have a break, it sound well needed.

[sunnyflower]

wow that does sound bad tarnya.can you still get menopause if you have had a hysterectomy?

[FOURtunate]

Yes Menopause occurs if you still have ovaries. It can be horrible. The symptoms can appear a couple of years before onset, and can last ages.... To get an idea of how it feels, think about the worst PMS you have ever had and times it by ten.

I know that it's no excuse for the way you and your child/family etc have been/are being treated. But I guess it's just one of those things. We all have to deal with Menopausal Mums. We will be Menopausal Mums one day.

Have a talk to her (if you're feeling brave). Or just avoid her until it passes. Make sure that whenever she does something which is unnacceptable, cut the visit short. She'll get the idea. Good Luck you poor bugger :fingerscrossed:

[Bexta]

...walked in and woke my 11 month old at the time to say how much she hated her cause she looked like me.....

:mad: OMG Tarnya!!! That is mental abuse!!! I hope the situation has improved... did your man have a word to his mother about this?

My Mum on the other hand gets wildly jealous of my new life & she hates sharing me with anyone (she'd be happy if I only had her in my life)... she has always has had an alcohol problem & as much as we try to include her in everything, she still goes a bit strange sometimes. I used to always pander to her, but bit the bullet about 6 months ago & since then she understands that it could be so easy for us to not see her, I am strong now... she isn't the only friend I have anymore... I just can't drop everything & 'save' her in the middle of the night when she's been drinking & threatens to do silly things as I have a family & a job.

Making her feel needed has helped.

Sorry this is so long!:ecomcity:
Good-luck sunnyflower & Tarnya :hugs:

[Jamily]

I have also got real problems with my Mum. The dilemma is that her behaviour is not consistent. One minute she can be the most amazing and generous mother (you wouldn't believe how much she has done for us) and then literally a few seconds later she can be awful. Her 'episodes' come in cycles of about every 3 months and she is well past the menopause. Saying that we do suspect that its hormonally driven. Sometimes I hate her, am scared of her (she can be unbelievably cruel with what she says) and am nervous of triggering something. I wish I could just tell her to jump, but its hard. Has your Mum always been that way?? Thankfully my Mums behaviour has only been like this for about 5 years (menopause and grandma's death) so I didn't have to grow up with it.

I wish I had some advice but really am posting this to let you know you are not alone.

Claire

[BJelly]

Hi,

My Mum has always been "difficult", luckily for me she's improved since DD arrived - she needs to be on her best behaviour if she wants us to visit etc.

But I know your pain ... the only way I could deal with my difficult mother was to limit contact. I'd tried talking to her calmly about things, but she's not the sort of person to look at her own behaviour too deeply so the only way me and my siblings found to deal with her was to keep contact to a minimum - we'd go out for B'days, special days like mother's day etc which worked out to be about once a month or so, so it wasn't like we didn't see her.

But I still have a very superficial relationship with her - I'd never trust her with anything personal as I know she could turn on me at any moment. It's a shame, I'd love to have a close bond with her, but she's not capable of having a really deep and meaningful relationship with anyone as far as I can tell.

[HoopDeeDoo]

Wow reading this thread is like reading something I would write.

My mum changes her mood from one way to the other in an instant. I try and limit my time with her as much as possible.

She is the most self absorbed crazy person I know. Any problem she's having is way more important than anything going on in anyone elses life, and she'll be happy to tell anyone who asks all about it. There is always some drama happening.
She'll ask me how things are and then use whatever I've said to make me feel bad.
She had a cancer scare recently, and when we were all told about it sadly I found myself thinking I was so glad it wasn't my dad :gloomy:

[sunnyflower]

well i had a chat to my mum last night and told her straight,that her behaviour was causing me to leave her house really sad.i told her that if she was trying to push me away she was doing a real good job.i told her that if she has a problem she needs to just adress it with me respectfully and not just be nasty about things.i told her i didn't want my son growing up seeing me treated disrespectfully.she actually said she wasn't trying to push me away and wasn't aware of how nasty she was being.she actually said that she would take it all on board.oh i so hate confrontation but it feels so wonderful when you do it.!!thanks to everyone for writing in.

[BJelly]

Well done Sunnyflower:smiliedance:

I know how hard it can be to confront someone, especially when it's your Mum. You've done exactly the right thing - hopefully she will think about what you said and what she can do to make things better. Yay for you!!