Only child, lonely child?

[pommiemum11]

I'm looking for some feedback from people who have only one baby or advice on how much harder two was than one. I have one DS 11 months. He is a beautiful happy baby. I know DH would like another but at 38 I'm wondering if I'm just too old/tired to have another. Plus I know things would be hard for DS for a while - he is used to being number 1 and may find it difficult to adjust, maybe this is just part of growing up?

Any thoughts??:D

[BabelFish]

As for your DS being used to being number one - he's only 11 months old. He would have very little trouble adjusting to a new bub at this age, and even in one or two years, it will be harder but yes, it is all a part of growing up.

My nephew is an only child and he is lovely - he has a beautiful relationship with his Mum and lots of friends. It's all he's known so no, I don't think he's lonely.

Another girl I know (my age) is an only child and she is really very self-centred (even though she's quite nice and has a lot of friends) but she always puts herself first - it's just natural to her to be that way - she can't sustain a long-term relationship and she has lost a lot of friends (including me) over the years because of the way she is. I put that down to her being an only child but ALSO being a very spoilt only child.

My personal preference is for siblings. There are a number of reasons, which I'll list:

1. I think sibling relationships are lovely, and have two older brothers that I have great relationships with. It is a bond unlike any other.
2. I'm selfish. I would like quite a big family because I just like the idea of big families! I couldn't bear it if I knew that all of the things I love so much about having babies were to end with my first one.
3. I know a few families who have lost a child from illness or accident. If you only had one child and that happened, there'd be your family, gone, in a single blow. It's unlikely, but it does happen and that possibility haunts me.
4. I think that children who grow up in families with more than one child are generally better at sharing, have more empathy and relate to their peers better (but this is purely opinion, and I know of no studies to back it up - not that I've looked for any).

They are some of my reasons - however like I said, I've seen it work just beautifully with my nephew, who is a darling child, generous, polite, well-mannered, VERY empathetic and caring, and just an all-round delight. Whereas my other nephew and niece are nowhere near as unselfish and lovely and caring as my single nephew and they have each other!!

A lot of it (most of it) comes down to the sort of parents you are, I think.

[abbeybarclay]

I'm an only child and I loved it growing up. However, I do often wonder what it would of been like having siblings. My mother always made sure there were plenty of kids for me to socialize with, encouraging me to go to birthday parties etc. I was never lonely.

[Alexander Beetle]

I am an only child and I had no problems with it. My mother made sure I had lots of company. I had a vivid imagination and read lots of books. I find it very rude when people assume that someone is self centred due to being an only child. I know plenty of self obsessed people who have siblings and no one says "oh it's because they are the 2nd child" etc. It depends on how you treat the child, if they are spoilt and so forth and that can happen no matter how many children you have!

I must say that I have always been curious about sibling relationships, but have noticed I have developed long, stronger friendships than many other people. You always want what you dont have, I was an only, so I will have more than one, my mum was from 10 so she only wanted one. I have many friends who are jealous of my close bond with my mother, I am sometimes envious of 2 sisters chatting. But either way you are not doing the wrong thing, and your child certainly wont suffer, and certainly WON'T automatically grow up to be self centred and spoilt! Also, only children are becoming very common these days due to people having children later in life, and financial reasons so your child won't feel different or left out in any way.

[Shananaaah]

Given that my DH, 2 besties, and several of my friends or their spouses are only children, I think I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly!! In all honesty, they have all displayed "only children" behaviour from time to time, but why wouldn't they when that is who they are? They aren't spoilt, or thoughtless of others or anything like that. DH (my closest experience) sometimes needs some gentle nudging with a few things but it's never bad.

I used to think people who chose only to have one child were being really selfish - I kept thinking "how could you deny someone a sibling?" especially since I had grown up with (between full, half and step siblings) 11 other kids. I was worried about kids being lonely, not learning to share, having no one to fight with etc. I still do to a degree, but I have learnt that most of my only-child friends had close cousins or family friends they did this with instead.

But my MIL actually put it in perspective for me a few months ago when we were discussing it. She said "why would I bring another child in to the world ONLY to be a sibling for my son?". That really resonated with me. I understood that if she had had other kids she would have loved them, but they wouldn't have been born because SHE wanted them - just for DH to have company. I have since changed my view..

Personally, for *me* I want my kids to have siblings (I have 2 atm and would like more) mostly because my growing up was great with so many kids around the house, and also because my own siblings' kids are almost adults and wont be friends/companions/playmates with my kids. But ultimately, I think it's a completely personal decision and anyone having kids should think it through to find what would be best for their own families.

I must admit though, I DO have an issue with one particular person I know who has said she is only having one child because "he or she will go to THE VERY BEST private school and we can't afford to send two kids." This isn't out of the desire for an excellent education, this woman is a snobby cow who thinks names are more important than anything else... I already feel for her kid/s! Judgmental I know but grrrrrrrr:hair:

[siblingdream]

Hi

We've just got the one daughter who we adore... but were it possible for us to have another (or preferably two or three more) we would like a shot! I'm almost 40 (can't believe it:eek: and certainly don't look or feel it!) and hubby is 52 and we are moving heaven and earth to have a second (third/fourth) child (seeking egg donor ATM). For us, it's the choice we feel so strongly we're called to parent again. Yes, we long to give our darling daughter siblings because we see the value in those intimate lifelong relationships, but we REALLY want to have more children for us too.

So I guess my thoughts are, if you and your hubby do feel called to parent again, do it. If you don't, that's also a valid feeling/decision - but it is YOURS to make... and I wish you luck with it!

[pommiemum11]

Thanks for all the feedback, certainly food for thought. I think on balance it would be great to have another if nature allows. Only doubts creep in at 2am when I'm finding one hard work :)

Good luck with all your future bubs

[cja]

Pommiemum11 just wanted to add that it is really not that much more work having two and of course there are heaps of benefits as pp have listed.

[joeyjane]

Wow - that was hard going reading all those reasons why we should have more than 1.

I just found out two days ago that it is very unlikely I can have any more than the beautiful 3 year old daughter I have now (who asks me for a baby brother or sister every day).

I would give anything to be in the shoes of someone who has the choice to have a second child right now.

[pommiemum11]

I'm sorry for your situation. You are right, it is arrogant of me to assume that the choice will be in my hands when the time comes. I am blessed every day with DS whatever the outcome.