What do I say?

[2boybubs]

Sorry this is so long, I'm just wondering what everyone else thinks about this situation, I am really at a loss of what to say to my MIL.

When I was pregnant with DS1 she kept telling me "Don't you worry, I'll be there with you the whole time" (my mum is in America). I don't have any problems with her, but I also wasn't all that keen on the idea of her being there for the birth. I figured on the day I would just get my DH to tell her I was fine and she could wait outside. Well she ahd FIL turned up at the birth centre as soon as DH rang them to say we had gone in, and were allowed into the delivery room. The birth was pretty quick and I was in so much pain I couldn't even talk, so she and DH were there (and yes I saw her taking peeks at what was going on, even though she swears she didn't) while FIL sat behind a curtain. She panicked at one point just before DS was born, because they listened to his heartbeat and it had gone way down. He was born fine and had an apgar of 9, the midwife whom i have complete faith in said there was never any danger.

I have always thought it would have been a nicer experience if they hadn't been there, but I feel very blessed to have had a good birth and a healthy baby so I tried not to dwell on it.

8 months later we were pregnant with our second, and 8 weeks into my pregnancy SIL lost her first baby at 32 weeks. SIL is absolutely wonderful and we were all devastated when she lost the baby. She had a really hard time dealing with it and got a lot of counselling. When I was around 8 mos with DS2 the whole family was together for dinner and MIL said, "I don't know if I can handle all the drama of another birth, Melissa (SIL) might have to be there for you this time." Everyone just went silent and we were all thinking she must be crazy to think Melissa wants to be there when she recently lost her baby. Not to mention the fact that I never asked for anyone to be there other than DH!

Anyway because she and FIL had to babysit DS1 for us, when DS2 was born I only had DH and my midwife present and it was a much better, more relaxed experience. I felt fantastic afterwards and my midwife even commented that the atmosphere was a lot better.

The other night she was at our house for dinner and we said we were thinking about ttc#3 soon so we can have them all close in age. The first thing she said was, "well FIL can babysit so I can be there for this one!" I just don't know what to say since she is great in all other aspects and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I also think part of her logic comes from when she had her 3 babies; she lost her first one at 7 months, and with all 3 she was by herself at the hospital. Her mother was also overseas and she has said how much she wished her mum had been there. I think the fact that she was alone has traumatized her and she doesn't want that to happen to me, but I need to tell her I'm not the same, I only need my DH. I just don't know how to do it without hurting her feelings, since I know she feels like she is doing me a huge favour by being there and for me to say I don't want her would be like giving her a slap.

Any insight would be very much appreciated!

[MumNeedsCoffee]

I didn't want anyone but DH with me at the birth of our child. Our midwife agreed with me as they have found that the more people in the room the more stressful it is and apparently research has been done that the more people around the longer labour is!
So I instructed DH not to let anyone know until after the birth.

[Stretchmark Diva]

You are going to tell her - "thanks for your generous offer, but I really want this to be a private moment for DH and I. I know you understand." And smile then walk off. Do not go into it any further, just approach it as if your mind was made up. Which it is.

[BabelFish]

Ooooh that's so hard - she just sounds like she wants to be there for you both but obviously is a bit tactless and thoughtless as well! What does your DH think about how to handle it?

[2boybubs]

Thanks for your replies ladies, Skyeby80 you made a really good point, it was more stressful with them there. Stretchmarkdiva you are right about my mind being made up, I am absolutely NOT having her there but its hard to be so blunt when she is otherwise really lovely. When DS2 was born she was so sweet about trying to make things easier for us, bringing over boxes of nappies, new nursing bras and pyjamas for me, and always asking if we needed anything. But I guess even if she is a bit upset she'll get over it. Best to do it as soon as we're pregnant, I just don't want to worry about it the whole pregnancy like I did with the first!

Chesby05, DH understands and has offered to just tell her we will be fine without her, he knows she'll feel a bit unappreciated but also knows its best for me...we actually tried to think of things to tell her, like "hospital policy doesn't allow more than 1 person with the mother anymore" or something similar! :laughing:

[JiminyCricket]

Your in a tricky situation, would it be easier to put your feelings in writing to her then you can be honest without having to feel bad at her initial response .

[Kerry35]

Just be honest with her.

It would be better if you and your DP could talk to her together.

Do it now, dont leave it until close to the birth - that would be dishonest.

Explain to her how you have posted in this forum, say it in a calm and tactful way. No matter which way you do it, she will get upset and hurt, so best to do it now.

Get her to help out with your two children when the time comes. Make her feel important enough that you require her to stay at home with your kids.

Good luck!:)

[mylilman]

when i had my son, the midwife asked who was coming in and said that she would tell people they couldn't come in if i said no. just ask the midwife to tell her and then just say 'oh sorry about that but she's incharge here' afterwards.

[Alexander Beetle]

Just say "I appreciate you wanting to be there, but I was really comfortable at the last birth with just DH and I". She can't argue with that, and if she tries to come down then do what is suggested and tell the birthing centre NO VISITORS. Your the boss, it's your labour. Everyone can have a peice of the baby afterwards, but while it's still in your body then what you say goes.

[Boobycino]

She sounds lovely, I think from what you've said it sounds as though if you very gently tell her that you appreciate her generosity and her willingness to support you, but you'd rather it just be you and DH, then while she might be a little hurt at first, she should understand.

At least she doesn't sound like a nutcase like my MIL. The rules were, SHE WAS NOT TOLD that I was in labour until Jasper was out and we were back in the maternity ward resting. She pestered me about wanting to come, I'd said no a few times - so she asked DP!!!! And then she agreed but then insisted repeatedly that we tell her as soon as I'm in labour (err, no) and she was really upset that we'd said we'd tell her the moment Jasper was born... she ranted about how it wasn't fair and it's her first grandchild and she even on a couple of occasions took me aside to share the heartfelt story of how she was forced to have three c-sections under a general anesthetic (which I'm not entirely sure is even true) and so she's missed out on the whole birth experience...

I wish you luck with your MIL - she sounds like she'll be reasonable if your honest and appreciative.

[peanutbutter&jelly]

I'd tell her straight. But then, thats me and I just told my Mum when she suggested that maybe my DF might not deal well and maybe he should mind our DS and she'd come with me while I was in labour... I don't think so!

[mum2bubba]

You are going to tell her - "thanks for your generous offer, but I really want this to be a private moment for DH and I. I know you understand." And smile then walk off. Do not go into it any further, just approach it as if your mind was made up. Which it is.

This. And if she still goes on about it afterwards just try and change the subject. Maybe just don't tell her when you go into labour.

[mitty]

mmmm let me see. How about something along the lines of when i was in full pelt labour and my MIL and HER sister decided to come and visit me. I yelled "who the f***^ let you in here?"

I tell you i have never seen someone escorted out of a labour ward so fast as they were by my hubby and a nurse LMAO

Thankfully the last two times she wasn't even around.

If you arent comfortable with that then how bout we appreciate your offer but our last labour with (insert last birth childs name) and the midwife and hubby and I all felt things went much more calmly and smoothly because you felt more at ease etc.

God i would never want MIL with me whilst giving birth.

Good luck

[Boobycino]

mmmm let me see. How about something along the lines of when i was in full pelt labour and my MIL and HER sister decided to come and visit me. I yelled "who the f***^ let you in here?"

I tell you i have never seen someone escorted out of a labour ward so fast as they were by my hubby and a nurse LMAO



Getting to say that to my MIL would have almost made the interuption worthwhile :rolleyes:

[OneNowOneLater]

Some good ideas there OP. My evil step mother said just after df and i announced our engagement "I fully expect to be in there when you're in labour" pfft right! :rolleyes:

[2boybubs]

mmmm let me see. How about something along the lines of when i was in full pelt labour and my MIL and HER sister decided to come and visit me. I yelled "who the f***^ let you in here?"


LMAO That's so funny! I really appreciate all the replies, its nice to know no one else would want their MIL there either and I don't feel so bad about telling her no. The thing is, I wouldn't even have my own mother there if she was in Australia!

There are some really good ideas here and I already feel so much better about it, thanks heaps ladies!

[Boobycino]

Some good ideas there OP. My evil step mother said just after df and i announced our engagement "I fully expect to be in there when you're in labour" pfft right! :rolleyes:


My evil step mother who's hated me since she cottoned on to the fact that :eek: my father loves me! OMG how dare he! But as soon as I was pregnant she was my best friend... she's been nothing but horrible to me for the last 7 years, but she appeared at the hospital the day after Jasper was born with a gignantic hamper of baby essentials, so much stuff, she was so excited to hold a new born baby.

But within a few days my dad and her visited and returned to her awful self, we were talking about my labour in detail (poor daddy) and she very smugly and proudly announced that SHE would never have had a c-section. Oh wait, was I supposed to suck it up and deliver my undiagnosed breech baby naturaly and say no to a emergency c-section even though my baby was in distress and I'd been in labour for over 24 hours. :hissy:

Anyhoo.... I'll get over that one day... I'm still quite mad about the whole thing!

[MothersMilk]

Perhaps you could inform the hospital staff ahead of time that nobody, except your DH, is allowed in the room while you are in labour. That way if she turns up she will turned away :yes:
You have the right to refuse entry.

[julietv8]

I would just break it to her very gently, I had to do the same thing with my mum, both times she has pestered me to be there, I just know I couldn't labour with her there.

I'm sure she will forgive you, and once the baby is born it will all be right. She sounds like a lovely person and will hopefully understand.

I would just say "I really appreciate the offer of your help, and I'm sure there will be a million things I need help with after the baby is here, but I would really rather not have anyone there except DH this time, I'm sure you understand."

[Naboo]

Maybe she thinks you actually want her there but once you tell her you really don't, she'll be a tiny bit relieved?

[Countrydeb]

This situation is always hard......how about she just come in for the actual birth not the whole labour...it's about the only way i'd let my mil in.....she's already shared one labour with you at least....but in the end it is up to you and how comfortable you need to be

[LizzardLover]

I think you could tell her "nicely" that you don't want her with you this time when you labour by maybe saying that since this will be your last baby (?) that you really want it to just be you and DH in there but perhaps compromise and say you hope she will come to the hospital so she can see baby as soon as it's been born. Sort of letting her be the first person besides DH and yourself?

Otherwise maybe coach the oldest of your children to ONLY want MIL to look after them while your in labour? lol!!

[Beeza8906]

It's lovely that she wants to be there for you, I would be saying " Thankyou for the offer but DH will be there with me, I'd much prefer you to look after DS, that would be a bigger help for us."
And if she doesn't let up tell her you will feel more comfortable without her there..

i could never have MIL there with me.. And i don't think she would even dream of wanting to be there.
We aren't that close really tho TBH.

[jakeanteleahsmummy]

i would do like the other ladies have said and nicely tell her.my mil was going to fly over and stay with us in our 3bedroom house and cm in the labour room.i put my foot down and said no way we didnt have the room and i was having my sis and dp only.she still goes on about it know.
with my ds it was just dp and my mum and it was great.when dd was due i really wanted my sis(actually sil but more like sis) to be in there with me and dp as all of her 4 kids where cs due to medical reasons.poor sis didnt get to though as dd was breech and i had cs.

good luck with it though and im sure she will get over it unlike my evil mil.