How do I allow DP to play a part in DD's parenting... and still be a good mother?

[SassyMummy]

Okay, so DP and I live together and have for a while now. He's not DD's father - she has little to do with her father as he lives overseas.

Anyway, I allow DP to help parent DD because quite frankly, he can often see things from an unemotive side, which can help me and has some great ideas... and it's also a lot easier having the help of someone else.

Sometimes though, I feel like over-ruling him. If he tells DD something, sometimes I want to say, "No, actually DD you CAN/CAN'T do that..." but I don't do this infront of DD, because I want her to learn that she has to follow both of us. I don't want her to think she can play us against each other, and so I just have a private word with him about it later.

Usually it's fine, sometimes he thinks I'm doing the wrong thing... just like two biological parents really.

Anyway, I feel bad when I over-rule him. It's like he works so hard to be an equal in this partnership, but I veto his idea and be the boss... and I just feel mean doing it. If he WAS DD's father, I wouldn't have the right to veto his ideas, even if I thought they were dumb.

When I'm having a bad day, I take any suggestions as criticism too, even though they're not meant that way... and I get cranky. If he suggests something and I'm stressed, I hear it as, "You're such a bad parent... I need to tell you what to do so you actually have a chance at raising this child properly!"

Do you find that too?

I dunno, it's just hard sometimes...

[Mrs Nietzsche]

It is so difficult. I know what you mean, my DH also can see things clearer on occasion and can find it easier to be patient. On the other hand, he gets very anxious if I get wound up about my daughter (for my sake). I think ultimately you do have to have the final word.. at least for a good while. And as you say, it is terribly hard to feel criticised as a parent - especially when you are the biological parent. I don't really have any advice except that it all takes time, and over time you learn to trust the other person's parenting, or at least learn when they are right (and you are wrong) and vice versa.

[WorkingClassMum]

When you're both in a good frame of mind and having a child free moment, both sit down and discuss your thoughts, beliefs and philophies on parenting and come up with a framework that you can both agree on and work with - allowing for consistency and any future kidlets

[lachys_mama]

OMG I hear you! I could have written this post myself LOL... with DF I let him do things I don't agree with once and then I will tell him that once was ok but in future it needs to be this way because... (depending on what it is of course)... DF has no kids of his own and doesn't know much about kids at all so he just treats it all as a big learning curve... I still feel mean all the time though :(

[lachys_mama]

When you're both in a good frame of mind and having a child free moment, both sit down and discuss your thoughts, beliefs and philophies on parenting and come up with a framework that you can both agree on and work with - allowing for consistency and any future kidlets

:iagree:

[SweetSerenity]

Sometimes I have this problem too.

For me it's more so that I link some behaviours to DS's mild autism, and DP doesn't...and sees some issues as DS being lazy.

Some he has proven me wrong and yes, I was just being to complacent and "soft" so to speak.

EG: DS's toilet training, I still had DS in night nappies and nappies for poos when we moved in because I didn't see DS as being ready.

DP took over and within a month DS was completely night toilet trained and no.2 toiled trained :o That is an example of me using his issues as an excuse.

One where I think I'm correct though is that DS constantly puts his hands in his mouth and down the back of his pants...this I believe is a sensory issue, and after talking to his speech therapist too she tends to agree...now to get DP to understand is the issue lol :laughing:

He's not a nazi or anything, but he sometimes doesn't think the way I do as a woman/mother, so of course he doesn't always see where I'm coming from.

We talk ALOT though :yes:

If ever one of us feels like we are being hard done by, usually once DS is asleep and we're in bed, we have our big talks, get things out in the open and it always ends with the other one understanding the others point of view and a compromise is made.

I still do sometimes get the whole motherly protective side come out at times and also sometimes feel like he's coming from the side of "you're a bad parent"...but that's just me always getting defensive, he's just suggesting a different way to handle some things.

Good luck stacey! :)

[V8 Crewy]

I personally think you don't want to over ride his judgment and decision making to much. I think you both need to talk about the upbringing of your dd and the role you would like you partner to play. If you want him to play a parents role in your DD life then you need to let some of his own decisions stand.

[Ardentwhispers]

I could have written your post, too!

Sometimes I think OH has no clue what he's talking about lol...that he doesn't know my son as well as I do, or doesn't realize that I'm slack with him now because he's a GOOD KID, not because I don't discipline him enough (OH thinks I'm a softy lol). I was tough on him when he was younger though, and feel the work has paid off and now communication works better than discipline, OH disagrees and thinks he needs harsh penalties (loss of priveleges, time out...etc). I think he's too harsh! Oh, the fun..

Reminds me why I liked being a single parent all those years, I didn't have to deal with anyone else's parenting style..lol. But, on the other hand it is nice to see him make the effort, and I know he only means well, so most things I try to compromise with..

[Beany]

Meh, I veto my husband's idiotic ideas (doughnuts for lunch? Seriously?!) and he vetoes mine (or would, in theory, had I ever had an idiotic idea :D ). We're a partnership, sure, but we all have off days and silly ideas so it's not a bad thing to pull each other up on these things.

[Zada]

DP is more strict so to speak than me. I know I am way too soft tho hence why they play up on me when I go out! Hes pretty good with them tho and 95% of the time I do agree with what he says

[SweetSerenity]

DP is more strict so to speak than me. I know I am way too soft tho hence why they play up on me when I go out! Hes pretty good with them tho and 95% of the time I do agree with what he says

:yes:That's like us...and yep, 95% of the time I agree with him too haha :p

But DP has taught me to be more strict and it has worked, DS is so much more well behaved than he used to be...but there are many reasons to that, not just the parenting side of things.