Other peoples opinions

[*Chels*]

just a question-do your family ie parents,inlaws etc accept your style of parenting?
i ask because my MIL thinks all babies should sleep in their cots.She brought us a cot and we hardly use it coz Riley prefers to be in bed with us.
She is forever asking "hows he sleeping?is he going in the cot?"
I just reply "no" and she says hes naughty.
I hate her so it really bugs me when she goes on about how we need to do this,or we have to do that!!
I know back in her day things were different,but why cant she just get it in her head that I like attachment parenting and she should just get over it!!
rant over- what do everyone elses parents/inlaws think??

[damien's mum]

My mother always said to me, while i was pregnant, that i should use cloth nappies, and not disposible ones, because people that use disposible's all the time are just lazy, well i never have ever used a cloth nappy on my ds who is 16months, and she always has a very strong opinion on daycare, but as i have worked in daycare for years, i see eye to eye with her on this one, im lucki enuff that my family and inlaws, know this is OUR son and we will do what WE like with him, and what we think is the best for him...

Goodluck!

[the_queen]

Chels, I think this is possibly the hardest thing about AP, having to "justify" it to others who think we're being "soft" or whatever.
I think they will eventually tell you that you were right - but be prepared to wait a while LOL!! When Riley is all grown up, they'll all realise how fantastic a mummy you were, and how well your parenting style worked. For now, just remember that you are doing a great job. :thumbsup:

[kymmy]

It seems so natural to do certain things with our children yet society seems to make it harder.
When I had my first child I felt like I wasn't do the right things but now from experience I feel that trusting you own instincts is the way to go.
It has taken time but now my mum understands that co-sleeping is ideal for much needed sleep. I am lucky that mil is an advocate and practiced with her childre4n and now her grandchildren.
We shouldn't have to justify our parenting choices to anyone. It is what is best for your family is what counts.

[rylea's mum]

hi girls

i hate the fact that i am doing what is comfortable and feels right for me and my lil miss,
i hate that i get judged and put dpwn because of it.
most times i feel i have to lie about how i am raising rylea just to avoid confrontation.
every child and parent are different and there is no "one" way of doing things.
fine i might be making a"rod for my own back" but untill that day comes i will continue raising rylea the way that suites us both.
:yes:

[Funkychicken]

Chels, I think this is possibly the hardest thing about AP, having to "justify" it to others who think we're being "soft" or whatever.
I think they will eventually tell you that you were right - but be prepared to wait a while LOL!! When Riley is all grown up, they'll all realise how fantastic a mummy you were, and how well your parenting style worked. For now, just remember that you are doing a great job. :thumbsup:
:thumbsup: I couldn't have said this better myself! The results will prove what a great mummy you are! Hang in there and remind yourself that you are doing what is right for you and your family.

[Smurfette]

Anybody I discuss my parenting style with just accepts what I do as this is a reflection of who I am. I really don't think they would accept anything less of me. My mil ( even though I don't always bond with her) agrees with how I am bringing Liv up as I think she had a very similiar style with her boys. My Mum ( who lives in another state) is always telling me its 'okay' for Liv to cry, I don't let her cry, yet every time Mum hears Liv over the phone, she comments on how 'happy' she sounds.

You are doing what you think is right for your child, and that is all that matters. Keep it up, you are doing a wonderful job.

[reAllytee]

I have a wonderful MIL who even said i was spoiling Boof at 2wks cause i wouldnt let him cry .... Yeah cause a newborn should cry his heart out just so i can "teach" him :no:
Im lucky in that my mum co-slept with me so didnt even bat an eyelid when we did it with Boof. Shame it didnt last past 3mths as he became unhappy with it & saw being in bed with us as play time :rolleyes:
But i am sick & tired of my MIL also saying " Oh your making a rod for your back " or how we should be doing things.
Sorry but he is our son & we will do what we want & if that means kisses & cuddles over screaming & crying i will take it !!!!

[*Chels*]

gggrrrr i hate the "making a rod for your back" comment!!:banghead: :mad: :banghead:

[LittleBoysRock]

I find that I talk to My Mum about Owen and my parenting style/choices. I NEVER talk to MIL about them as she is totally judgemental and has the attitude that she has raised 2 children so she knows best. Frankly, she raised her children 26 years ago and times have changed.

My Mum is open to the idea that opinions on babycare change constantly but MIL thinks what she did with her children worked for her so therefore it should work for me.

Needless to say I dont have much to do with MIL at the moment!

[the_queen]

gggrrrr i hate the "making a rod for your back" comment!!:banghead: :mad: :banghead:

ME TOO :banghead:

[~Emmylou~]

I don't think it's just people who practice attachment parenting who cop this flack unfortunately.
Doesn't matter how you parent, you can bet someone (inlaws and parents mainly) will want to correct you or tell you you're wrong.
I've been lucky, my mother and I see eye to eye on most things and if she does offer advice it's non confrontational and not critical so I usually take it on board.
MIL on the other hand has been a family daycare mum for years so obviously she knows more about raising my child than I do :rolleyes:
You just have to stop listening and after a while it doesn't bother you anymore :D

[Foxymoron]

My standard response to anyone who comments on the co-sleeping thing is :
Beds are a fairly recent invention, so are cots. I prefer not to fight mother nature, my baby runs on instincts that are part of our genes, and have been since the dawn of time! Not co-sleeping to me seems really odd. I get more sleep than I would if I tried to do the cot thing ( I tried with DD number one, and we had so many 'sleeping and settling issues' before deciding that co-sleeping was best for our family) Instinct is the only compass my baby has, and he sleeps well knowing his mama is right there with him. I think the older generation feel more comfortable with the rigid set of 'rules' laid down in their day.... it probably helped them find their way as parents as they didn't have access to information and support in the same way we do now. I think they also possibly feel somewhat devalued because they used to rely on grandparents for support and guidance, and we don't have that same dependance now. My mum and mil used to drive me up the wall, but I realised they just wanted to play that "wise grandparent" type roll. I ask them for other kinds of advise and stand firm on my AP style of parenting. After 9 years as a mother with 4 kids and no "rods" on my back they've stopped badgering me.;)

[Rainbowbrite]

I feel that i have to constantly justify the way we choose to raise MJ. Apparently we are "freaks" (yes thats what we get called) because we;

Co-sleep
Still bf :eek:
Use cloth nappies
Use a sling to carry MJ
Wont do CC
Are considering homeschooling
:ecomcity: etc

We do what feels right to us, we "try" not to take notice but its hard. Everyone constantly asks is MJ sleeps through also. The answer, NO, she wakes up for a drink just like i do :yes:

[rylea's mum]

my "making a rod for my own back" was not from my mouth/
i hate it too,
my mother is fine with the way i am raising rylea and my mil wouldnt say anything even if she disagreed, so i am lucky in that way....
where all my negativity comes from is other parent who have never practised ap
and have a totlly different style of parenting to me( and of course they think there way is right, and probly is for THEM ) if it works for them fine, i just hate when they wont accept that this is how i choose to raise MY child

[*Chels*]

sorry ryleasmum,i wasnt having a go about the rod comment!i realise it wasnt you saying it.Ive had people use it on me and it drives me nuts!
Im soooo over my MIL!!My DF made a comment to me after the inlaws came round the other day.he said, do you notice that when they come round,dad is happy to just sit there and play with Riley,but mum always interrogates us about what Rileys doing?
I said yeah,i do(did ya just notice that?:rolleyes: )
She is forever asking hows hes sleeping,is he in the cot,hows his solids going:ecomcity:
She thinks parents should be the boss,babies need to cry,need to sleep alone etc.
I hate trying to justify my decisions!!I want to tell her to just go jump but Im a wuss!

[Foxymoron]

:laughing: Oh the crying, it's such good 'exercise ' for their lungs, innit! :barf:

I don't even let my dear old Granny get away with that comment! Lungs don't need exercise, breathing is regulated by the brain stem and atmospehric pressure... Should we drug our babes to give their livers some 'exercise'? Top them up with extra sugar to work out those pancreatic beta cells? :laughing:

[EskimoMumma]

What irks me is this, my mother respects my style of parenting and only gives me advice if i ask for it. (i hate getting advice when i dont ask for it, its rude IMO)

whereas MIL feels she has to do things her way, She REFUSES to do anything the way i ask her (ie, marys routine) whenever seh watches her. (which , mind you is only twice a year, if that overnight) and she feels she has to give me advice, and i hate it . I tell my DP and he goes all stupid and says"oh atleast she cares unlike someone else"

that pisosed me off so bad because i said my mother cares, she also respects my way of parenting and the likes.

:banghead: whenever i tell MIL i do not want her advice, she gives DP guilt trips and manipulates him into taking her advice and he eventually tells me how to do things and it turns out it was all her! :banghead: :banghead:

[*Chels*]

What irks me is this, my mother respects my style of parenting and only gives me advice if i ask for it. (i hate getting advice when i dont ask for it, its rude IMO)

whereas MIL feels she has to do things her way, She REFUSES to do anything the way i ask her (ie, marys routine) whenever seh watches her. (which , mind you is only twice a year, if that overnight) and she feels she has to give me advice, and i hate it . I tell my DP and he goes all stupid and says"oh atleast she cares unlike someone else"

that pisosed me off so bad because i said my mother cares, she also respects my way of parenting and the likes.

:banghead: whenever i tell MIL i do not want her advice, she gives DP guilt trips and manipulates him into taking her advice and he eventually tells me how to do things and it turns out it was all her! :banghead: :banghead:
sounds like my MIL!!!:shame:
Today I was talking to a friend and her mum,and I mentioned how Rileys a bit unsettled when he first goes to bed at night,waking a few times the 1st hour etc.Her mum goes "do you let him cry,you know CC?" I SAID NO
"Well thats why hes waking then!"
I said, I dont believe in CC.Im an attachment parenter(is that a word?LOL)I BF,Co-sleep and dont do CC!!!"
That shut her up.Now I just have to get up the guts to say the same to my MIL!!!

[Lunar]

My mother is great and doesn't say anything on how I raise my girls.
MIL on the other hand.....well lets just say she's not as bad as some. She puts her 2bits in, I ignore it, she gets the sh!ts....well you get the picture.
Her motto is..."You can't live your life around a baby, the baby has to learn to fit in around your life"..... WTF?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!
She has said this numerous times to me and it infuriates me!
I live my life around my children, my world revolces around them, they are the most important things in this world to me!
She just doean't understand that! You'd think a mother of 3 and now a foster mum she would understand....? I don't know how DH turned out how he did.

[the_queen]

Oh the crying, it's such good 'exercise ' for their lungs, innit!

I don't even let my dear old Granny get away with that comment! Lungs don't need exercise, breathing is regulated by the brain stem and atmospehric pressure... Should we drug our babes to give their livers some 'exercise'? Top them up with extra sugar to work out those pancreatic beta cells?


:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:

if you don't mind, Keara, I'm going to use those comebacks when I'm fed the ole "crying excercises the lungs" line.

[insert many more laughing emoticons here]

[spring]

hi girls

i hate the fact that i am doing what is comfortable and feels right for me and my lil miss,
i hate that i get judged and put dpwn because of it.
most times i feel i have to lie about how i am raising rylea just to avoid confrontation.
every child and parent are different and there is no "one" way of doing things.
fine i might be making a"rod for my own back" but untill that day comes i will continue raising rylea the way that suites us both.
:yes:

Dont you just hate that saying "your making a rod for your own back":mad:
I get that one all the time.

[Foxymoron]

:yes: It's good to educate folks ;) and fun too :devil6:

[Billy]

I am so glad I found this thread!!! I didn't even know before I had my bub that I would do mostly ap, (except breastfeeding as it didn't work for us regretfully...) it seems to be just an instinct thing... I thought I must have been doing something wrong from the reactions I've had from others!!!
For us its the co sleeping that everyone has a problem with.

My mum is great, she just thinks whatever I want to do is right :D
My dad (this was a HUGE surprise!! Can be kind of narrow minded when he wants to be) thinks co sleeping is completely natural because you don't see animals in the wild etc putting their babies in a different trees or whatever! :yelclap:

My MIL thinks that I should have my darling sleep on her own so WE get more sleep... yeah- she sleeps nearly all night with us and wakes every 2ish hours on her own... I can see how we would get more sleep that way!!! :p

My grandmother (thank god she lives in a different town to us!!) who I love but is VERY opinionated thinks co sleeping is wrong full stop (bad habit), thinks I should let my 7 week old sceam to exercise her lungs :confused: and to 'teach her' (whatever that means), and when feeding DD once (who is lactose intolerant and has slight reflux aswell) talked to her sternly about not being 'naughty' and fussing while 'great grandma' is feeding her... wonder why THAT didn't work huh??

Oh well thanx for letting me vent a little ;-)

[EskimoMumma]

sounds like my MIL!!!:shame:
Today I was talking to a friend and her mum,and I mentioned how Rileys a bit unsettled when he first goes to bed at night,waking a few times the 1st hour etc.Her mum goes "do you let him cry,you know CC?" I SAID NO
"Well thats why hes waking then!"
I said, I dont believe in CC.Im an attachment parenter(is that a word?LOL)I BF,Co-sleep and dont do CC!!!"
That shut her up.Now I just have to get up the guts to say the same to my MIL!!!


Oh good luck!

I am still building up the courage to mention that. Last time I mentioned something with a bit a feeling they laughed at me and blamed my hormones! Argh, using my pregnancy as an excuse to blow off my opinions :banghead:

[LucyE]

Ahhh, the joys of parenthood. As if dealing with a baby isn't enough we have to deal with all these well meaning family and friends who are suddenly experts on child rearing!

My inlaws thought I was mad for wanting to breastfeed for as long as DS wanted, cosleep, use cloth nappies, practice gentle discipline and postive parenting techniques, have DS lead TT and babywear. My parents weren't so bad but they still gave their 2 cents worth. My grandmother-IL was the worst. She would actually pick up DS as a newborn when he started grizzling for a feed and run off to hide so I couldn't feed him straight away :banghead: Another crying is meant to be good for the lungs, you need to teach them to ask for what they want, you'll spoil him by giving in immediately school of thought. WTF???

I just ignored them all and did my own thing. If they chose not to respect our choices and decisions as DS's parents, then we would stop spending time with them. They (the IL's) quickly learnt to not confront me with these issues but would niggle DH who would then come home and try to convert me GGGGRRRRR. After a few barneys with DH, I finally got him to support me in our decisions (yes OUR decisions, you agreed with them and supported them until your family started interferring and undermining your confidence as a first time parent). Now things are better because the IL's know they won't get anywhere. There are still the not too subtle dropped hints but I just ignore them.

Sorry, this turned into my own rant. Just wanted to give sympathy and say that you're not alone :)

[*Chels*]

QUOTE:
My grandmother-IL was the worst. She would actually pick up DS as a newborn when he started grizzling for a feed and run off to hide so I couldn't feed him straight away :banghead:


This is soooooooooooooooooooo bad!!!!I get that back in the day they did the whole 4 hourly feeding thing,but to take away YOUR baby when he was hungry!!!thats just wrong:shame:

[stellaj]

Keara that had me laughing for ages, i cant wait until someone says Luca needs to exercise his lungs so i can quote you.

Hi Billy- you found your way over here!

[Billy]

Oh yes thanks mel for the tip!! :D Sorry I meant to thank you after finding it but got caught up in reading everything :o .... my bad!! :p

[Pixie]

I had a great one from the MIL the other day

"time her feeds, don't let her decide how long she eats, she's gettin to fat fat babies make fat adults"

I just said well she's my baby and I will do it my way.

I wanted to wring her neck

[*Moggy*]

I am pretty lucky because my Mum was a AP from way back, so she is totally supportive, it is other people, friends, that give me a hard time. While they are madly rocking the pram or CC their kids, I put mine back into her sling and she gently drops off to sleep - yet I am the one doing the wrong thing :confused: Go figure?

In this day and age it is seen as a 'good baby' if they self settle from birth, sleep through the night and don't 'demand' feeds closer than 4hours. Does that make every other baby bad?

[leab]

Yep, you are always going to have criticism and judgement no matter what you do from the "older" generation becuase they were taught diff.

It was the norm to let your baby scream and try and "control" them.
The weird thing is it wasn't much before the 50's that parents practised similar parenting techniques to what we call attachment parenting.

So somewhere between the 50's and 80's when psychologists became all the rage, that's when stuff like "cry-it-out" was encouraged and co-sleeping was frowned on. Society became fascinated with creating "conditioned" behaviour, like being on a power trip with babies.
Also women wanted to return to the workforce and they simply couldn't have an unruly baby who interfered with their routine!

I co-sleep with my baby girl (8.5mo). She sleeps in her cot until we are ready to go to bed and then she comes in with us. However this only started when she started teething and she couldn't sleep through the night.
My DH loves it:) He loves snuggling up to her and watching her sleep and having his eyes scratched out when she wakes him up!lol

[Funkychicken]

I co-sleep with my baby girl (8.5mo). She sleeps in her cot until we are ready to go to bed and then she comes in with us. However this only started when she started teething and she couldn't sleep through the night.
My DH loves it:) He loves snuggling up to her and watching her sleep and having his eyes scratched out when she wakes him up!lol
Awww....that sounds so lovely! We woke this morning with all FIVE of us in our bed:eek: . The first noises I heard were from our DD giggling with her baby brother.:D

[leab]

Awww....that sounds so lovely! We woke this morning with all FIVE of us in our bed:eek: . The first noises I heard were from our DD giggling with her baby brother.

Now that's one of the reason's why I want to have more kids:p
What a great way to wake up:)
Do you think the age gap between the baby and DD is better than the gap between DS(7) + DD(5). I'm trying to decide when to have no.2:)
For example is it easier to cope with a 6mo old and the older kids or when DS was a toddler and DD was a baby?

[LotusMum]

What I dont understand is how come I cant have a whinge or blow off steam to other parents incl my Mum and MIL and friends without getting all the usual comments of it being all my fault anyway and I have to get tougher on her, im too soft, rod for my own back and yada yada yada.
How come other mums will care for other mums but not those who are AP? :ecomcity:

[leab]

What I dont understand is how come I cant have a whinge or blow off steam to other parents incl my Mum and MIL and friends without getting all the usual comments of it being all my fault anyway and I have to get tougher on her, im too soft, rod for my own back and yada yada yada.
How come other mums will care for other mums but not those who are AP? :ecomcity:


Too true:yes: You can sometimes feel isolated as a parent and have to resort to joining AP groups so you can feel "normal". But it's so important to be able to talk to your own family members abouts your fears, concerns and triumphs as a mother, and have them be validated. If only our family members knew how much we need their support

[Leez]

Guys don't feel alone - I'm not an AP parent (I guess I am in terms of trusting my instincts) but in the 2 months since I've been a mother, I've realised that no matter what you do, or believe, there will be those that feel the need to set you straight on the error of you ways.:shame: I think that many parents feel isolated for sticking to their guns in one area or another that they feel passionately about. For example, I'm a non-vaxer - you want to know about feeling up against it? Try that one on for size!! You know its been my experience that the strongest opinions I've received have come from people who aren't actually parents? True! DH's Aunty is so bad she's gone past irritating and is now quite fascinating. At a lunch at her place, we were accused of being slackers because we hadn't fed her since we got there (she wasn't hungry) we were lectured that babies should be fed every 4 hours (%^%%$%!!). Then we were talking too loud so we might frighten her, then her head was partially in the sun (horror!!!), then DH wasn't holding her correctly, and the priceless "you know I think you two are a bit too relaxed about this!!" - WTF????!!!! Funnily enough the only time DD was crying was when she was holding her!

Anyhoo, you're doing a great job simply because you're parenting in the way that's authentic to you, and not caving in just because it would be easier - that alone sets a fantastic example to your kids..:yelclap:

Lisa

[jessgray]

i often co-sleep with ds1 (14.5months old) and no one in my side of the family has issues with how we are bring up ds, the way they see it is if a kid is happy and healthy thats all that should matter:) and they say that coz we are the mum& dad we know whats best for ds:)

since ds has been diagnosed with lactose intolerance, i often find myself having to explain to dp's family (incl MIL) how ds cant have dairy or soy and not to give him any food without asking me or dp first.often this is replied with: "but he is hungry 1 (insert food here) wont hurt him" :shame: :banghead:

i know MIL thinks its wierd how ds refuses to sleep in his cot prefering our bed or his fold out sofa. we dont mind where he sleeps as long he sleeps lol

we had heaps of different people give us advice on how to settle ds to help make him sleep at night, most stopped giving us advice all together after they tried to get him to sleep lmao (we now have ds in bed by 8:30pm but back then we were lucky if it was midnight)

some people (friends,family) have said comments about how soon we are having #2 and the fact ds1 goes to daycare 2 days a week. but when i explain he started off with 1 day and liked it so now he goes 2 days a week they shut up.
and i wont go and vent about what people tell me about how i feed ds (lol i could be here all day lmao)

sorry its long

[plantain]

A friend asked us when our DS was about 2 and a half months..."Oh, you're not one of those 'family bed' type people are you?"... lovely, right:mad:
And while we're, in fact, not quite 'family bed' about our parenting, I'll bring my wee man into bed for his first BF of the day and for a little snooze till we all wake up. I decided from the beginning that I'd never get any sleep if he was in the bed all the time with us as I'm a really light sleeper, my DH is a very heavy sleeper and a tosser/turner so I'd constantly be worried he'd smoosh DS... and DS slept thru the night from about 2 months in his crib... but now that he's teething he likes a little cuddle in mummy and daddys bed.. and that's fine with me ...except for the fact that it's stinking hot right now in Los Angeles - where we live - and we're all swealtering!

[LilShenanigans]

Reading the posts I feel somewhat priviliaged to not get along with most of my family!! lol

Basically, the only family that speak to me are my sister, dad and grandmother.

My father was constantly on my back about having DD in my bed, and I said she wasn't ready for the cot! His solution, just put her in and let her cry it out, she'll like it eventually (meanwhile his eldest son of 2 months is STILL crying his poor little heart out for at least an hour!!).
Luckily I have a good relationship with my father where I can happily tell him to "sod off".

He's still on my back though about the time DD wakes up, constantly saying she needs a routine!! I am so god damn sorry that my daughter isn't prepared to wake up 6am, breakfast at 7am, nap at 9am, lunch at noon yada yada yada. GRR
I told him off recently about that too ...and quite angrily lol

My grandmother is good though, she likes a happy baby so whatever creates one, she'll accept.

I think after 11 months now of being criticised, everyone has worked out that we go day by day and there's no stopping a mother doing what she FEELS is best!