I feel so empty...

[vavavanny]

I lost my baby last night. I never imagined what such a thing would feel like, now I know.

I heard its little heart beating for the very last time on Thursday afternoon.
After four days of bleeding, I felt severe pain for an hour or so last night, and I lost my baby shortly after.

I didn't want to part with it, and held on to it for hours before my husband and I placed it in a little box and burried it in our backyard. It was heartbreaking.

Now I feel so empty and lonely. I feel like I am surrounded by people who just are not hearing me. I dont know what to do. I feel angry, scared, sad, guilty, all of those things at once - and I just dont know if I am feeling the right things. I feel like I failed my little angel - and I keep trying to remember the past 8 weeks trying to pick out what I did wrong.

I hold on to little hope that this is just a bad dream that I will wake up from - but I know that is unlikely.

I just want my baby back - I hate that it was taken away from me.

I am sorry for all the feelings - I just needed to say how I feel.

Thanks for listening.

Ana
xox

[Melanie&Lucky]

Hello

Your story was a very sad one and brought tears to my eyes :crying: when I read it. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through and to hear about your loss. I don't know how to find the right words as I have not been through a miscarriage, just the pain of infertility and many years of trying to have a baby. I too, would be completely devestated.

Allow yourself the time to grieve and be sad. The things that people have said are only meant in a caring way, they probably don't know what else to say to you or how to help.

May I suggest you reach out for some miscarriage support and councelling to help you cope through this crisis.

I really wish I knew what else to say to you, but please know that there are people out there who care. :hugs:

[Chickadee]

Hugs to you Ana. :hugs: I know that no words can make you feel better right now. All the emotions you're feeling are normal and ok. They are part of grieving. There is no "right" way to feel. But I'm sure that there was nothing you did wrong. Please don't blame yourself. Hug your partner, and hug your little boy, and give yourself the time and space you need to begin to heal. We all do it in our own way.

:hugs:

[misskittyfantastico]

I'm so sorry for your loss:hugs:

[Mamaduke]

I'm so sorry...:hugs:

[Tam-I-Am]

Oh, my god Ana, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please allow yourself time.....and be patient with yourself. The others are right - there's no "right" way to feel. Just be kind to yourself.

[cmd'smum]

Ana, I know how horrible it is to have a m/c.:hugs:

I too wished I was going to wake up from a dream and everything would be ok. I too wondered what had gone wrong, what did I do to deserve losing my baby? You did nothing wrong, I got through by deciding that everything happens for a reason, and my baby just decided that this wasn't the right time for him to come into the world!

As for support from ppl you know, I know what you mean, they just don't know what to say? Try not to take it personal. The same happened to me, they just said sorry, etc etc and didn't want to talk about it, and I felt I needed to in order to help with healing. Some didn't even contact me to say sorry for your loss!

Feel free to come on here and express your feelings, the ladies on here are fantastic and there are so many who have experienced pregnancy loss, they will def help you through it! :yes: Just know that everything you are going through is normal and you have the right to be feeling these emotions.

Look after yourself and take time to grieve. Your angel is watching over you and will find his/her way back to you one day!

If you would like to chat please PM me!

Take care and let us know how you are doing.:hugs:

[cmd'smum]

Ana,

I just watched this link, it is beautiful,

http://www.ISpokeWithMyChild.com

might help a little :hugs:

[rynosmum]

I'm so sorry for your loss Ana.

I too had seen my baby's strong heartbeat and had an OB who was confident that all looked good. Unfortunately though, we lost our little angel just 5 weeks later.

All the feelings you describe are normal or at least are the normal way for our body and mind to react. The most important thing to remember is that you didn't fail your child - it took me a long time to make myself understand that unfortunately sometimes our little angels are just too precious for this world.

Ensure that you and your partner support each other through this but take all of the time to grieve that you need to. 3 years later, the thought of our very first baby still brings tears to my eyes for what 'could have been'.

Although if our little angel hadn't sacrificed herself, we would never have our wonderful son.

Take care of yourself. It's a tough road.

Katrina:hugs:

[Funkychicken]

:hugs: to you Ana. As the others have said, I'm sure there was nothing that you did wrong. Your angel just wasn't quite ready for this world yet. When the time is right you will meet again.:hugs:

[chicken]

Oh Ana, I was so heartbroken when I read your post. I felt like I had a bit of a bond with you because I was also due on 31 Jan, before finding out at my ultrasound that I had m/c. I think that date will always have a special place with me now. Like everyone else has said, it was nothing that you did, or anything that could have been prevented. Take as much time as you need - I found this forum really great for me - to say exactly what I was feeling to people who knew exactly what I was going through - my own kind of therapy. I'm feeling more positive about things now and am looking to the future. I know it seems hard to believe right now, but you'll get there too.

[SamanthaJane]

Hugs to you:hugs:

All the best wishes going your way:hugs:

[Hokey Pokey]

I'm so sorry, I have tears reading your story :crying:
I know what you are going thru tho, feel free to pm me anytime.

[Percy]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I can understand the pain of what you are going through. My little man had a really strong heatbeat too, and then a few weeks later he was gone.

The emptiness is almost unbearable, and wondering what you did wrong can be torture.

I dont really have any advice. Just lots of :hugs:

Feel free to pm me and time.

xxxx

[lediva]

I also lost my bub at 8w and 4 d and had seen the h/b twice and was pretty much convinced that we wouldn't lose him, but a couple of weeks later I just sensed something not right.
After having a scan found we'd lost our baby:-(
That was only a few weeks ago now and after waiting to progress naturally nothing yet so more than likely will be advised to go a D&C!
I think we all go through the stage where we try and look back to find what we did wrong.
But really I dont believe anything could've been done differently or changed. Something was wrong and bub had to go - its mother natures way.
It is a very difficult time to go through. We all understand here. Take time to heal and to work things out in your head. You will ttc again and fall pregnant and hopefully - successfully.
We have our :fingerscrossed: for you and ourselves:yes:

take care,

[dna13]

I also had tears reading your post. :crying: I am truly sorry to hear that you lost your little baby.

I too had a m/c recently and have found it very comforting to come onto Bubhub to share my pain. I also felt like i had failed my little baby but was then told why my angel couldn't stay with us. There is nothing that you did wrong so please try not to think that. I know it is easier said than done.

I am sending you big :hugs: and want you to know that you can PM me anytime if you need to chat, vent, cry...whatever.

A friend sent us a card in the mail with this saying:

an angel in the book of life wrote down your baby's birth, and whispered as she closed the book, 'too beautiful for earth.'

Take care
xxx

[TwoBlue]

Just wanted to send big :hugs: your way

I am so sorry for your loss

[BubbaLicious]

:hugs: :hugs:
Big hugs to you and your DH.
I'm so sorry for your loss :crying:

[vavavanny]

Thank you all for your support and beautiful messages.

I was coping a little better until today... until I took my son to the park, where he tried to play soccer with two little boys (they were brothers)... who told him to go away. It was painful - my little boy didn't notice - or care, but I was reminded that he didn't have a little sibbling to play with - or would have one for a long time.

I then had my ultrasound this afternoon, to see whether I need a d&c, and was sent to get urgent blood tests because it looks like I have an ectopic pregnancy as well - I could have had twins. Have I not gone through enough? I am wondering what the hell I did to deserve all of this. Selfish, I know.

When I looked at the screen, I had this feeling that I would see a baby on it, and that my nightmare would be over and I could go home and be happy.

In addition to the ectopic pregnancy that I may have, the bleeding, which is getting heavier by the day, has "escaped" my uterus through my follopian tubes and is in my pelvis and surrounds, - which rarely happens but is not dangerous, but is causing a lot of pain, nausea, vomiting and loose bowel actions.

I thought I would get some closure today... and I feel so selfish for thinking so.

:crying:
Ana
xxx

[Blessed Mum]

Wow Ana, that was very moving & very sad. I am truly sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through & been through. My prayers & thoughts are with you & your family

:hugs: & God bless
Tara

[Desertress]

I dont have anything that i can say to make you feel better or to take the pain away, all i can offer is my support and my ear if you need to talk about it.:hugs:

[Tea Lady]

Ana I can't say how sorry I am that things have worked out this way :( I know you've been going through alot over the last few weeks and your pain now must be terrible. Like the others have said, there's nothing we can say to take away the pain (unfortunately) but do use this forum to talk as much as you want to - at least you know there are people here who really understand. Big :hugs: to you and your family.

[snedly]

You poor darling. I know how loss feels. I lost my beautiful Angel full-term,after a very bad labour. It was her 3rd birthday two days after your little Angel was taken back to Heaven. All I can say is surround yourself with things that give you comfort-people you know, songs you like, flowers that smell beautiful - anything that can help you see that there is a way forward. I know this sounds impossible right now, but you'll find you will start to have a good moment, then a good hour, eventually a good day, then things will slowly become normal again. You will never be the same though. You will feel special though,cause you will have the knowledge that there is your own special guardian Angel up in Heaven looking after you. That might just get you through the day sometimes. There is an excellent book, "When the Dream is Shattered", by Judith and Michael Murray that you may find helpful. It's hard to get I think, but you could try the American Bookstore in Brisbane, or over the internet.
Be strong, dear one. You are much stronger than you think.

[Sienna]

Hi Ana,
I read your story, and it reminded me of my life these past 18months. I got married in 2004 and by mid 2005, my partner and I decided to have a baby. I was only 6 weeks pregnant, when I started bleeding and cramping. We went to the hospital and found out I was losing the baby and there was nothing anyone could do. I lost that first pregnancy, and dealt with it as best we could. Six months later we tried again, and everything seemed fine. I reached 8 weeks and we both believed that everything was going to be ok. I was so excited about this pregnancy going good, so I decided to celebrate my 21ST birthday. The night of my part, with all my friends and family around, we told them all the good news. Next morning I started bleeding and the next day I lost my baby. I needed a curette, and that is when I felt complete loss. My hubby and I never really got over this loss yet. But we still have a slight bit of hope. We are planning to try again in a year.
All I can say is, I know it is hard and no matter how many people are around you, you always feel alone. This pain will never truelly leave you. Be understanding to you partner because he hurts too (I can talk from experience, because that was mistake the first time). Please dont loose hope, I've been told many stories of people who lost up to 10 pregnancies and then ended up having a healthy baby.
All the best, and I really hope that you end up having a beautiful baby.
Keep up hope, I'm trying to too.
By the way, sorry to hear of your loss.

[meshan]

Ana,

I have just found out that my baby passed away at 8 weeks. I share your feelings of sorrow and pain. As much as people tell you it was ' for the best' and that there was probably somthing wrong it doesn't help you let go of the dreams you had of your child.

Hang in there and know you are not alone - unfortunatley there seems to be a lot of us around.

[vavavanny]

Meshan - I am so sorry for your loss. It's a shame that we meet this way, but please know that you have my ears and eyes if you need a chat, PM anytime. We will get through this oneday :crying: