Me and tyler were laying in bed last nite and she said

[tyler's mum]

Mummy do i have a dad?

I did'nt know what to say i just said umm no

Tyler then said that's not fair why dont i have a dad

I said some kids dont have dads but thats ok

She then said well thats just not fair cause when i grow up im not goin to have a dad.

I still didnt no what to say then tyler said

You know what when i grow up im goin to call my poppy dad that way i have a dad like everyone else.

She has been asking alot latley about why she does'nt have a dad. You would think by now i would know what to say

[Mummaholic]

:hugs:

[Veritas]

:hugs: to you Tam....

It's hard isn't it....

My ex and his family have always said that when P starts asking their door is always open....

I have a few photos of A on the computer for P's records, and have showed her them only a couple of times..... now when they pop up on the screen saver lately she has been saying "Oh that's my daddy A".....

I'm getting to the point where I am questioning when does recognition become curiousity??? Do I approach him before she flat out asks how come I don't see A... or I want to see A.... or do I just wait until the next time I run into him at a rugby game and wait for her to go "Hi Daddy"..... :confused:

I really feel for you hun, I know you don't have that option.... I'd just keep explaining to her families come in all different sizes and shapes, and it doesn't matter who is in your family, but that they love you with all their heart.... maybe a few books with alternate families might help.....

:hugs:

[supa_star323]

I have no advice just wanted to send some :hugs:

[SPC]

There are some good books about this. I like 'A dad who measures up', by Davide Cali, it's quite funny. The single parenting site, kate and emily, has some good stuff on how to approach this. Do you know other diverse families? I think it can help to know other children with one parent or two mummies etc.

[tyler's mum]

All my friends/family are married or dad is around im really the only single one well who has a kid. Ive told her how all familys are different just like people are differnt. Like Mummy has white skin and you have brown skin but we are still a family and i love you lots. That used to be enuff for her and make her happy. Lately she just seem to want to know more she is only 3 how much more could i tell her:confused:. I thought i wouldnt have to deal with these sirts of questions for another few years.

Thanks for the support:hugs:

[LilShenanigans]

Shes been asking for a long time, and shes almost 4. Shes always been a talkative and inquisitive kid.
I think she deserves to know a little bit about him. She does have a father, he's just not there..

[tyler's mum]

Shes been asking for a long time, and shes almost 4. Shes always been a talkative and inquisitive kid.
I think she deserves to know a little bit about him. She does have a father, he's just not there..

I just dont know what to say thats what i mean how much can a almost 4 yr old understand:confused:

[LilShenanigans]

answer her questions in the simplest of terms. If you want to give her details, you as her mother know whats best for her to take on, and answer appropriately...

Do I have a father?
Yes

Where is he?
City... country ... somewhere else... not sure

Why don't I see him?
Because he lives too far away, because he isn't ready to be a father .. etc

etc


you know what she can handle, and I can tell you she needs answers. You know she is intelligent, talk to her appropriately.

[Sammy76]

answer her questions in the simplest of terms. If you want to give her details, you as her mother know whats best for her to take on, and answer appropriately...

Do I have a father?
Yes

Where is he?
City... country ... somewhere else... not sure

Why don't I see him?
Because he lives too far away, because he isn't ready to be a father .. etc

etc


you know what she can handle, and I can tell you she needs answers. You know she is intelligent, talk to her appropriately.

I have to agree with this completely.

I know you are stuck with what to say, but I truly believe if you lie to her and say she does not have a father, it would not be good at all long term for your daughter.

She needs to know that she was made from a mother and father. You are denying half of her existance by lying about not having a dad. That can be really emotionally damaging for a child.

I think you should just be honest and say that yes you do, but he isn't ready to be a dad. But from what I can recall, he doesn't know about his daughter - am I wrong?? Not entirely sure if that is the case.

If he doesn't know about her, I am not too sure what you could say to her, perhaps that he just lives a long way and you don't know where he is but when she grows up you will help her find him if she wants this.

She will get older and wiser and work out one day that she was made from another person, and will want to know why you lied.

[tyler's mum]

I have always said i was never goin to lie to her about it. Im so mad at myself for saying no it just come out iykwim.

He does'nt know about her but i have wrote her a letter for when she is older, Saying why i did'nt try finding him but i would help her in any way i can when she is older if she wants to find him.

Hopefully im more prepare to answer her questions next time she asks:fingerscrossed:

[Pax]

I agree with LilShenanigans

My son's bio father has never been in his life and I talk openly and honestly about him and always have since he was 5.

hiding stuff makes it seem shameful..

[tyler's mum]

I thought that maybe at 5 tyler would start asking these questions but its almost been a year now. I guess i should have prepare myself with better answers by now

[SimplyMum]

Tam- It's tough when they come out with these questions. You'd be surprised at how much they CAN understand. Erin's approach sounds logical and simple enough for a 4yr old.

Do you have a pic? Perhaps ask her if she would like to pic a frame out at the shops t o put it in. Could you perhaps do up a personality chart of some sort? Like make a collage of what he was like- giving her an idea of what kind of person he was.

[tyler's mum]

I dont have a photo that would have been a great idea lee. When she ask again i think i have planned what i will say just hope i get it right next time:fingerscrossed:

[Jeclipse]

answer her questions in the simplest of terms. If you want to give her details, you as her mother know whats best for her to take on, and answer appropriately...

Do I have a father?
Yes

Where is he?
City... country ... somewhere else... not sure

Why don't I see him?
Because he lives too far away, because he isn't ready to be a father .. etc

etc


you know what she can handle, and I can tell you she needs answers. You know she is intelligent, talk to her appropriately.
:iagree: 100%

She deserves to know the truth, as much as she can handle.. you'd be surprised at how much she will understand


And don't wait until she asks you, maybe its something you need to sit down and have a mummy and daughter talk about, while having cuddles etc...

[SassyMummy]

Tell her the truth.

She DOES have a father, he's just not in her life.

Let her know that it is not her fault, that it's not because she's naughty or anything... but because her father was not ready to be a father.

Don't make excuses for him - let her know how it is.

Just say it simply.

DD is nearly 4, and while she's not asking if she has a father, she's asking why he's not around. It's heartbreaking... and while it's not the exact same situation as you're in, I have to explain why her father left her, why he moved so far away, why he never sees her anymore and why he's having a baby that she'll likely never get to see.

I want to punch him in his face for making her have to ask these kinds of questions.

It's hard, but it's important to be truthful with them... not make excuses or lie.