Bubs 1st Christmas...

[LittleBoysRock]

Hi Ladies,

I am basically after some advice and I am hoping that somebody out there can help. This Christmas will be our baby's first Christmas and is the first grandchild on both sides. ( I know we are months off yet).

My Husband and I have an agreement that we spent Christmas Day with one family and Boxing Day with the other then we alternate families the following year to make it fair. :)

This year just so happens to be my in-laws turn. I sort of feel that it is unfair for them to have exclusive rights to bubs first xmas as my family would like to spend it with him too.

I have suggested to my husband that we have xmas day here and invite both families but we doubt that his mother will go for it as she likes to have control over everything. She also lives 1.5hrs away and will not want to travel to see us.

Has anybody had this problem before or can anybody suggest a solution?? Help!! :(

Thanks,
Simone.

[mumofethan]

I had a very simular problem last xmas, being my sons first xmas.

My son was only 3mths old, still needed lots of naps and i didnt want to drag presents plus all his stuff including a porta cot to a relatives house so i made them come to me...

unfortunately this didnt include my inlaws who live interstate, so we travelled to see them on boxing day...

i also have the view that the date isnt important it is the day, u could have xmas in july if u wanted providing ppl had the atmosphere.

[Ana Gram]

Make them come to you, you are going to have enough to worry about with your baby to have to worry about hurting anyones feelings. If spending the first Christmas with the first grandchild is that important, they will come to you.

[xkwzit]

Pardon my bluntness, but if your MIL won't want to travel 1.5 hours to see you on Xmas day, I think its VERY RICH of her to expect that you drag your baby out for a 1.5 hour trip on Xmas Day? A baby is plenty good enough excuse for Xmas at your place for anyone (I've been using it myself for a few YEARS now :D !). And make them bring stuff along so that you don't have to prepare all the food too (you don't want to miss too much of his first Xmas either)!

Cheers

[braydensmum]

I totally agree!! She shouldn't expect you to travel 1 1/2 hours with a baby, it would be much easier for her to make the trip!! We are having Christmas at our house and if anyone can't make it - tough! I know that sounds mean but Christmas is such a special time of year (especially with a new baby) and you shouldn't have to spend it stressing about whether she can make it or not! If she really wants to be there for the babies first Christmas, then she shouldn't mind travelling 1 1/2 hours!!! :D

[WeThree]

monyfelix, i totally understand your problem, my dh and i are the only ones with kids in my family, yet we are expected to lug them to everyones houses when they want to play with presents etc, i tentatively mentioned having it at my house to my mum, and she started going on and on, so i've just left it for now, but im seriously considering putting my foot down, and you should too! let me know how you go :)

[Milly]

oh yes yes yes! I understand your problem! We made a strict rule of alternate Christamses with our families after my In-Laws had pretty much every Christmas since I met my DH. I too have a very controlling matriarchal MIL.


xkwisit: Pardon my bluntness, but if your MIL won't want to travel 1.5 hours to see you on Xmas day, I think its VERY RICH of her to expect that you drag your baby out for a 1.5 hour trip on Xmas Day?

And this is a good point. My MIL expected us to take a two week old baby to their house over an hour away and to stay overnight. We were stupid enough to do so (only because my DH and I are people pleasers but we are getting out of this personality quirk after this past year's episodes with his mum) and never again will I let her persuade us like that again. I did not want to go anyway, but my DH is such a mummy's boy at times and I got talked into it. Grrr. Totally lacking in understanding. If she expects anything like that again I am going to tell her right off. Sorry, personal vent there too :o . But xkwisit makes a valuable point. You must stand up for yourself now that you have a child and if anything is hard or stressful for you to do then say something. You can do it politely and lovingly (you don't have to be rude about it at all), but stand up for yourself. This was one thing I have learnt with my In-laws since having a baby. It is so important. And it is their loss if they choose not to come. They have been invited, the offer is there, so they cannot say that you did not offer a solution.

Anyway, I think that it is fine to ask them all over to your place. Make a point of it and remember it is their loss if they choose not to come. You have made the offer and quite a fair compromise.

Hope it all works out! :)

[Rell]

My MIL had started planing what we were doing for xmas before my daughter was even born, so I can understand where you are coming from. We also do the alternative xmas thing (between here and Sydney) and last year it was my familys turn (in Sydney), well wasnt my MIL upset because she would miss out on my sons first xmas, it didn't matter that my family had missed my daughter's.
I agree with everyone else put your foot down and have it at your place.

[LittleBoysRock]

Hi Ladies,

Thank you for all of your replies. I am now convinced that I am not being unreasonable.

I am going to attempt for it to be a joint family Christmas and if there is anybody who doesnt like it then tough luck for them!

Again, thanks heaps for your advice!
Simone. :D

[Mahjong]

Make them come to you, you are going to have enough to worry about with your baby to have to worry about hurting anyones feelings. If spending the first Christmas with the first grandchild is that important, they will come to you.

I agree, if they can, make them come to you. We did this with Wyatt so their was no fighting over who's place we HAD to go to.

Good Luck!

[LittleBoysRock]

Just an update on this....

We invited the inlaws to a joint family christmas and they said they dont like my family!!

They wont even come here to our place on Boxing Day!!

What should I do now?? I really dont want to give in to my MIL as she is a pain the butt anyway!

Please help!!

[Ana Gram]

Tell her it will be too hot and too far to travel with a baby. I really don't think you need to be nice about this especially after you have made an effort to include everyone and get told they don't like your family. I would simply refuse to go.

[annsam]

We had this issue when I was a child and the families lived 2 hours apart. We had Xmas morning at home, and early Xmas lunch with one family and left at about 2pm to get to the other family for about 4pm for Xmas dinner. It was a busy day but grandparents got to see the grandkids.

As for them not liking your family, they are going to have to learn at some point that the bub is a member of both families and there will be occassions (like birthdays) when they would be expected to see the other family. I would stand my ground if I was you, plan a nice Xmas for your little family and leave it up to them if they come or not.

[HoopDeeDoo]

My mother sounds like your MIL. She drives me and my husband insane. She didn't like the date I had planned for my baby shower, Xmas last year wasn't too bad since noah had slept through the visit to the in laws and she was gloating that he was awake at her house. And then she wanted me to change the date i had oirganised his birthday party. i gently gave her the reasons for our decisions and basically said it would be a shame if you can't be there but i can't change it. Maybe you could try this with your MIL. Sometimes if you gently give the pros of your choice they come around. My mother is a difficult person, and basically they have to realise that the world can't always revolve around them. :rolleyes: Luckily my MIL is the total opposite of my mum and we get along great. She's loving and supportive :)

[Mala]

Hi Simone,
Can I put a different spin on things -

Baby's 1st Christmas, honestly, is one of the most overrated things out.

It's their 2nd christmas (when they are actually able to rip at the paper and eat the cards), that matters more. They will smile at the camera, they will eat the party food, and generally be more entertaining. :D
I too, felt robbed (for my family), that the year we went to the IL's for Chrissy was our DD's 1st Christmas.
But, the following year, the IL's who had made the big song and dance about 'getting' DD's 1st Christmas, kicked up a fuss, and made the very directed hint that they would have appreciated the following chrissy (her second), as DD was so much more interested in everything going on. ;)
My daughter was born in May, so she was 7mths at her 1st Christmas.
The second Christmas was great, as she was able to talk about Fr. Christmas, and was the life of the party! Not asleep in the pram, or being nursed by long-lost relatives.

Food for thought - I caved in, and I was the best thing since sliced bread when we travelled 4hrs into the middle of Australia for that 1st (stinking-bloody-HOT) Christmas. :D

Mala

[Maxs_MumMy]

I have just encountered the same problem being Max's first xmas as well...My side are going overseas in 3 weeks and spending the New Year there as well so thats easy fixed, we are having xmas day dinner/present exchange day before they leave overseas one weekend..

But my MIL expects us to drive 6hrs to spend xmas with them, i am working on the 24th dec and 27th so it would be a rushed trip anyhow, so i mentioned to dp lets have dp folks at our house and everyone flew off the handle and i got an email from my SIL saying im being selffish....coughs.... :confused:

The reason why i dont wish to travel as its too far for such a short time, have to pack so much up and its my first xmas without my father and its my 22nd bday on the 23rd dec and its Max's first xmas so i want it to be a stress less day....

So i FULLY understand what everyone may be going through regarding xmas....

Though when my MIL visits us this weekend i will be saying to her I'm not travelling for xmas...( She'll probaly cry again)...Grr!

[MammaMia]

I agree - the 1st Christmas is more exciting for the grown ups than the little bub.

My husband & I have decided that we will be doing what works for us and our kids... which means easy access to home for decent naps and some time for us to enjoy our kids alone. No extensive travelling!

Juggling the MIL (or as I call her the Outlaw or Wicked Witch) is never easy and I've realised that it's up to me how much I let her get to me. So, breathe in, breathe out. It will pass!

And remember - Christmas is about family, love and respect and sometimes that means ensuring your little family's interests are considered more than the extended family.

[BubbleBelly]

Chellegoth has the right idea! It's not about you being selfish it's about making the right decision for bub!

[JnA]

families.. you can't live with 'em.. and ya can't throw 'em down a deep chasm.

Don't give in to unreasonable expectations! Stay home and enjoy Christmas with your other half and child and anyone who wants to join is welcome to come and see you.

My MIL has this idea that she is going to spend Christmas eve at our house so she can wake up with Jade in the morning.. well, I have news for her... In a random act of kindness moment I gave the spare double bed to my teenage niece.. bummer for MIL :p ;)

[Ky]

My sister and I have always had Christmas with our in-laws and then new years with our family. We have only the 2 of us in our family and our dh's come from larger families, and it seems like everyone has happily agreed on this solution.

Unfortunately, now we don't see our families as we live in Australia and they are all (apart from sil & bil in Sydney) in NZ.

We told our families just before we had kids that if there were going to be arguments about Christmas time, that we were just going to have to do what is best for our family, as that was what we were going to be and OUR little family is what matters most to us! It didn't mean that we didn't love the rest of our family anymore, just that we would be considering what was best for our kids and avoiding andy stressful travelling and hectic schedules.

This said, my dd's first Christmas was spent at home and my parents and my inlaws travelled to see us. We all lived about 2 hours away from each other and neither set of parents thought that this was too far to go to spend some time with their grandchild!

Last year, we had Christmas eve with a lovely Dutch family we have met (doing the same again this year) and Christmas day with a wonderful, very much extended Maltese family that we have met through dh's work. I don't think we have ever had a more relaxed and fun Christmas!

We are aiming to get to NZ for Christmas next year and are working on convincing my sil and bil in Sydney to go to NZ too. With most families being spread throughout different countries now, it is a luxury to get together and I am looking forward to a combined Christmas.

btw ... my in-laws have more contact with my Dad and step-m than I do! My mil rang yesterday and told me that my Dad had retired on Friday and that he and my step-m were moving today, to the other end of the island! ... nice of my Dad to let me know, eh!

[brooke]

I agree.. They should come to you!

My DH and I are expecting our 1st baby Dec 15th and I do not intend to drive for over 1hr for xmas with a very new born bub up a dangerous freeway to visit my DH family!

I have told them that We will be at my parents place which is 5mins away and they are more than welcome to come! My Uncles and Auntys will all be down from Qld so I intend to spend time close to home with them!
Plus My nanna is coming down also to stay with us at my place once bubs is born! I am not leaving her by herself!

Good luck I hope it all works out!