I am really bitter

[Baldie's Mum]

So i realise that its far too late to be up, but i keep having the same really stupid thought which leads to an argument that happens between me and myself!

My BIL is going out with this girl that has 2 children to her ex hubby. They have been going out for about 14 months, they live together and stuff and they are good for one another. Yes it sh*ts me that they are a happy family and me and Josh arent (but we should be, stupid infertility).

What i am essentially talking to myself about tonight is a comment i over heard my MIL say to a bunch of family members. She addressed BIL's GF's kids as her "grandchildren". Now this to me isnt right. They are not her grandchildren, nor will they ever be! They have grandparents already!!!

I know how wrong it sounds but i just want to say that to my MIL. I want to tell her that she isnt a grandmother yet. And until either BIL and the GF give her a grandchild or Me and Dh give her one, she stays grandchildless! :hissy:

I am so bitter about this, considering this convo happened 2 weeks ago and i am still fuming about it!!!

eughhhh i am so wound up over stupid things these days! Bl00dy infertility, so not fun......:gloomy:

[sunnyflower]

:hugs:

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

Infertility does suck.:hugs: I really hope you get your BFP soon.

However I do disagree with you. I know you are hurting, but I think what your MIL said is lovely.

My DD is not my DH's and his mother makes it quite clear she is not her grandmother even though he has taken on the role of her father. I don't understand that. We are talking about children who deserve to be loved, by the more the merrier I say.

Don't worry when you have a child they will be the first grandchildren they will have experienced from birth and that will make it extra special.

[Baldie's Mum]

See i know i am being horrible. Thats the worst part about it! Eughhh sometimes i hate myself and my feelings so much. Grrrr

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

Don't worry we all have them. I do all the time. Oh and I'm not brave enough to post them on a forum.

[LilShenanigans]

Yeah it's not easy, though personally never been in exactly the same position... I know that sense of being peeved when logically you should be happy and delighted, but your still peeved as hell...
Messes with your head!

I don't think I have advice? Talk to your mum? :hugs:

[kezzaskids]

I can so understand you and respect your feelings, however you should feel blessed that your MIL is such a lovely lady and when you do have a child he or she is going to be born into the best family in the world.
My MIL took on my 4 children from a previous marriage as her ''first grandchildren'' and she is the kindest most wonderful woman in the world as is your MIL. They are special people to be able to do that.
Hugs. I cant help your hurt xxxxxxx

[boysrgr8]

See i know i am being horrible. Thats the worst part about it! Eughhh sometimes i hate myself and my feelings so much. Grrrr

Your allowed to feel this way! Tantys are great to unleash the inner :devil:

I agree with the others, MIL is lovely to except the kids as hers.
I have a son from a previous relationship and my MIL loved him from the get go, FIL not so much. Since having a baby that is their bio GS I can see a little difference in how much they oggle over DS2.

It must be a stressful time for you so I send you a :hugs: or maybe 2 :hugs: and hope you get a baldie soon.

[Oya]

Your allowed to feel this way! Tantys are great to unleash the inner :devil:

I agree with the others, MIL is lovely to except the kids as hers.
I have a son from a previous relationship and my MIL loved him from the get go, FIL not so much. Since having a baby that is their bio GS I can see a little difference in how much they oggle over DS2.

It must be a stressful time for you so I send you a :hugs: or maybe 2 and hope you get a baldie soon.

:iagree::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[JaneyLacey]

Firstly, IF is HARD. I'd guess that you're more angry at the new GF bringing children into the family that your MIL likes. And you so wish it was you. That is so understandable and you have to be kind to yourself. When going through IF and watching everyone else falling pg at the drop of a hat, one of the hardest things is to not become bitter and consumed by the anger. It just eats you up and some days you find yourself in a hole that just seems to hard to climb out of. Why don't you focus on you or maybe think about it from the children's point of view - they may well be quite happy that they have been accepted quite readily. It probably gives them comfort. Some MIL's do say stay silly things and don't think (my experience with my MIL is a bit of a negative one anyway!)
You can't take it out on the kids and I'm sure you don't. So maybe have your own special relationship with them and wrap yourself in cotton wool. IF is just mental torture - you need to give yourself a break. All the very best to you.

PS Also don't doubt how much anger and sadness can be attacked with a work out. I'm a member of Contours and in a 30 minutes session, I can sweat out every stupid comment my MIL has made that week. It my therapy in a way!

[Ffrenchknickers]

I kind of understand why you are feeling the way that you do, bu I agree with the other, it is wonderful that your MIL is willing to accept these little children as her own grand children. Those kids probably need that sooooo much:no::no:

[Krazy5]

I agree with so many of the coments ....

Obviously you are hurt :hugs: i feel for your issues but i really think it's great for those kiddies.....

my kids have biological grandparents and my hubby's parents (second marriage) hubby's parents treat my kids just like their own grandkids and it is a wonderful feeling for me and especially for the kids.

i think your mil is a wonderful lady :goodvibes: you are probably lucky you dont have the other type of MIL.......

[SassyMummy]

I can see both sides.

If brother went out with a girl with a kid, and Mum started to call this kid her grandchild, I'd probably feel a bit weird about it. Not that bad, but just a bit strange. Kinda like how my Dad is with a woman with a kid and she calls him "Daddy"...

On the other side of the coin, I'm with someone who doesn't have kids. I am much like your BILs gf here... because I'm the "intruder" who comes already with a child. DD is treated almost like a grandchild... though she is never CALLED a grandchild, and the treatment between the actual grandchildren and DD is different... but it's similar.

SIL gets stroppy about it... going, "Oh, Chanel isn't even a part of the family..." and it kinda upsets me. I mean, no, she's not... but oneday I might have kids with DP and I'd hate for DD to be treated differently because she's not a blood relative.

She also has very little to do with her father and his family... so this is kinda like her substitute. She sees them several times a week, and she treats them as she would grandparents... it's really heartwarming when DPs father calls Chanel "My Schmell" (because she farts a lot...:p) and cuddles her and whatnot... the same as he does his grandchildren... and when his mother came up recently, she wanted DD to call her "Nanny Willie" like the rest call her.

It feels nice, and for people who don't really have much of a family unit... I dunno...

[KatiesMum]

Hmmm

It is hardhun

I know you and your MIL have issues, and that you and BIL+GF have LOTS of issues, so its not really surprising that you feel the way you do. Give yourself a break - You are not a horrible horrible person for feeling this way.

It is nice that MIL is recognising the kids, think about them and how much 'family love' they lack in their lives and you will be happy for them at least.

I know it still leaves a lot of internal conflict .... but you will get through this. You will get pregnant (by christmas remember :)) and have a beautiful wonderful bubby ....

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Ana Gram]

:hugs: Sometimes feelings just don't make sense. I used to grit my teeth when the ex's step mother would go on about being DD's grandmother, basically because I just don't like her and she + the ex's father would put the ex's mother down all the time. I know I should have felt glad that DD was loved that much but internally it made me annoyed :laughing:

On the flip side though, I always think of my dead boyfriend's parents as honorary grandparents and they are treated as such. My mum has had the same reaction as me because she is Dd's grandmother :laughing: And I have to remind her that they will never be grandparents as their only son is dead and as we had planned a child together, this is their only chance at being grandparents. So, even though logically, Mum knows I am right, it still irks her sometimes.

[Baldie's Mum]

Thanks everyone for the replys! Trust me, i dont treat those kids anyway except loved, they are beautiful kids and i love them dearly, it just sux sometimes doing this and always being last. *Shrug*

[I love JJJ]

You have every right to feel the way you do- especially given that you have been trying for your own child for so long.
These children are not her grandchildren.
Yes, one day they might be her step-grandchildren but they aren't yet.
Yes, so it's nice they are loved by more people and all that, but thet truth remains they aren't her grandkids. Period.
Sorry you feel this way, I can understand why.


:hugs:

[WorkingClassMum]

I'm the parent and my kids have always been treated like second class citizens by my step-monster (well I supposed I expected that:rolleyes:).

I have seen the hurt caused to my kids 'cos they were not good enough by accident of birth, yet my half-sister's daughter is a walking godess.

My step-father however has always treated my kids like his own grandchildren and the relationship and bond b/w them is beautiful to watch.

I'd be devestated to ever read my step-sisters' post an OP like this thread. I expect they must feel this way though :gloomy:

I understand you must feel angry and upset that life hasn't been fair, but these kids did not cause your heartache.

I so wish that your dreams come true for you soon :hugs:

[JackzMumma]

See i know i am being horrible. Thats the worst part about it! Eughhh sometimes i hate myself and my feelings so much. Grrrr

I totally get what you mean:o. She probably didn't mean the comment to affect you in anyway, but it did coz you are trying desperately to have those biological grandchildren.

Everybody has the irrational thoughts, but it's the fact you recognise it's irrational and driven by your hard time, that you'll work through it:yes:. When I have those silly thoughts I tell DH and I make sure I add "I know I'm being silly, but...." He's really good at understanding. So's mum. Let it out to someone who won't pick sides and can help you get past it. :thumbsup:

I really hope you get that BFP!!! Good luck for the future:hugs:.

[Myztik]

I hope my MIL see's both my children as her grandchildren even if DS1 isn't biologically related to her..

[amandaw]

I can empathise with you (though do see the other POV as well)

My younger brother married someone who had a 14yo from a previous relationship (she was about 11 when they met)....it actually gives me the complete s&^%s when she calls my parents 'grandma...grandad' (especially now at 15). Now I'm first to admit that that may be a little bit of jealousy on my behalf (still see my DD as 'first' grandchild)...but more so because I feel like it is completely disrespectful to her actual grandparents...she has 4 sets already (all of her grandparents have seperated and remarried and all are active in her life)....and just seems like she is 'collecting' them :o:laughing:

:hugs::hugs: to you

[reAllytee]

You know I get it ...

You are just hurting hum & I get that :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Solarberry]

My partners parents took my little girl in as though she is their own. I think its fantastic and I also think the family 'needed' it at the time.

Try and be happy for them. If the situation was reversed, im sure you would want the same from your MIL.

[sharonnscotty]

I am the last in my family to have kids, the last of my friends etc etc,,,,, yep it sucks. Especially when another inlaw brings their kids & babies over n everyone is goooing and you are like standing there fuming 'WHY NOT ME' I feel ya sister!!!!

I have fianally been blessed with a healthy pregnancy and 13weeks to go. I guess just hang in there!

[Baldie's Mum]

Thanks everyone, i do not treat the kids badly, they are beautiful, and so spoilt with kisses and hugs when they come to my house. Its not anything personal to do with them, its everything to do with me. I Spose thats what some people outside of Ivf dont get, its not a personal dislike, its dislike of the situation. Eg. I don't hate your happy familie, i hate that i don't have one. You know??? So its nothing to do with the kids or my mil, who is at times a horrid person, its me, and what i don't have. *Shrug*

[WorkingClassMum]

its me, and what i don't have. *Shrug*

:hugs: If I only had one magical wish - I'd wish you all the very happiness in this world :hugs:

[Boobycino]

I cant add too much, just lots of :hugs:

[SweetSerenity]

It must be SO hard being in your shoes hun, it really must be :(

I can understand how you must be so hurt inside :hugs:

BUT

I am so glad for those children they have another adult who adores them and loves them enough.

Just think, when you have your first, it will have cousins to grow up with :D

My son isn't my DP's biological child, yet his family LOVE ds and treat him as the other grandchildren and the other grandchildren treat him as their cousin, it's gorgeous! :goodvibes:

You have every right to feel how you do, it would be upsetting to have been trying for so long and not have the family life you want so much.

Big hugs :hugs:

[Pax]

that must really hurt to hear your MIL say that.

I think I would try to focus on that she may be hurting too and longing grandchildren too.

its not your fault or hers.

dont let any of this affect your relationship. Its just different peoples ways of coping. :hugs: