"But you had a healthy baby, didn't you?" (A Vent)

[SassyMummy]

After a few posts here and there, AND in real life, I keep getting comments like, "But you had a healthy baby, didn't you?" in response to my bitterness about my birthing experience. I am SO SICK AND TIRED of hearing it!

I am posting this in THIS section of the forum, because there's a great chance that a lot of the frequent visitors of this section are also disappointed by their birthing experience...so I felt that by posting it HERE, there'd be less people coming in and saying, "But your baby IS healthy...so who cares how she came into the world!"

I dunno what I'm trying to say...

I just get frustrated when people use the "healthy baby" line to me when I'm having a whinge about my birthing experience because it makes it seem like my feelings aren't justified and that I have no right to feel the way I do. While I MAY have a healthy baby, that doesn't mean that I don't feel depressed, bitter and generally disappointed in the way in which she entered the world.

Some people just don't seem to understand that my feelings for my daughter and the feelings I have regarding the ACTUAL birthing experience are two completely unrelated things. Sure, DD WAS born DURING my birthing experience, but the feelings I have for the two of them are unrelated. I don't have bad feelings towards my daughter because of my c-section, nor do I have bad feelings about the c-section because of my daughter. Does that make sense?

I feel that my feelings are "swept under the rug" and "brushed aside" by the use of the "But you have a healthy baby, don't you?" line...it almost seems as if they're saying, "Get over it - you got a baby...what the hell more do you want? Shut your mouth and stop whinging!".

Maybe I SHOULD just get over it. In fact, I'd be very HAPPY if I could. The fact is though, it's easier said than done. I'd like to get over it, but using THAT line just irritates me even more...and makes me even MORE angry. Maybe because I know that I DO have a healthy daughter and perhaps I SHOULDN'T complain as much as I do...but that doesn't change the way I feel, and that doesn't mean that I don't have a right to feel how I do.

Does anyone else HATE the "healthy baby" line?!?

(Sorry for the rant).

[OM]

Does anyone else HATE the "healthy baby" line?!?



Yes hate that line with a passion. :yes:

[MumsieMel]

:rolleyes: ........................

be grateful is what they are saying

[shed]

I hate that line too, its such a cop out for the medical intervention.

And I haven't even had a baby yet.

Surely you can have a healthy baby and a positive birthing experience for the mother??

surely??

Sometimes its warranted, but not every time. Surely.

[RedPanda]

You should be free to voice your dissatisfaction without getting that comment! You have a right to say how you feel! Obviously though, I would completely understand if someone who had suffered a loss felt the need to say "At least you have a baby."

[Rachel&Emma]

I'm with you 100% Unfortunately it's one of those things that NO ONE will understand until it happens to them. It's so bitter/sweet. All we want is for people to acknowledge our pain. I look at Emma every day and am thankful I have her but it DOES NOT take away my thoughts about my experience. Good on you:thumbsup: for voicing your opinion.:D

[SassyMummy]

I understand that it's a "be grateful" thing (I'm not an idiot...lol)...

Still, if everyone who whinged was told to be grateful that they weren't worse off, then nobody would EVER be seen has having a right to whinge! If I whinged about only ever eating baked beans for dinner...there'd be SOMEONE out there who thought I should "be grateful" because they had NOTHING to eat (I used this example in another thread...except with bread and butter...not baked beans...:rolleyes: ).

I AM grateful that I have a daughter and that she IS healthy...but that doesn't mean that I have no right to LOATHE my birthing experience...does it?

[OM]

I AM grateful that I have a daughter and that she IS healthy...but that doesn't mean that I have no right to LOATHE my birthing experience...does it?


You have every right in the world to loathe your birth experience!;)

[Rachel&Emma]

Nicely put.:yes:

[Hokey Pokey]

I so agree!!

[LittleBoysRock]

I understand that it's a "be grateful" thing (I'm not an idiot...lol)...

Still, if everyone who whinged was told to be grateful that they weren't worse off, then nobody would EVER be seen has having a right to whinge! If I whinged about only ever eating baked beans for dinner...there'd be SOMEONE out there who thought I should "be grateful" because they had NOTHING to eat (I used this example in another thread...except with bread and butter...not baked beans...:rolleyes: ).

I AM grateful that I have a daughter and that she IS healthy...but that doesn't mean that I have no right to LOATHE my birthing experience...does it?


I totally agree!!

I also have a healthy child for which I am extremley grateful but....I had a shocking labour!!

Take no noticeof people who say this....in my experience these comments come for women who had their children YEARS ago when the attitudes to labour were different!

Keep smiling. :p

[mum2paige]

I know, I agree too. You have every right in the world to be pi**ed off - how does any one else know how this has affected you?! Just because you don't tell them every time you think about it or what might have been, or cry about it...

I am eternally grateful and know I am blessed to have my daughter. But everyone has the right to be treated like a human being, and not have incompetent doctors/midwives etc cause such emotional (physical!) scars.

But I think people who say the "healthy baby" line mean well, they are just trying to be positive and really don't understand.

[damien's mum]

it's like you took, all the thoughts in my head and type there here..
thats all i can say....
Good on you for having the balls to state it.

[SassyMummy]

Glad to hear I'm not the only one who hates it.

Some people who say it mean well, and I understand that others who say it just have no idea what else to say. But there are SOME time that it seems like my feelings are just getting blown off...and THAT'S what irritates me the most.

And as for me having the balls to say it...lol....well, I was worried that I might have some people come in here and try to argue with me...but I posted it in THIS particular section of the forum so it would kind of be assumed that it's a SUPPORTIVE thread, not a debate thread...so I had high hopes that nobody would reply with anything argumentative.

[Lunar]

I understand ALL points and opinions of this thread.
You DO have the right to a whinge.
There will come a time when you will feel differently about the birth and see it in a different light, believe me.
I had a HORRIFIC 1st labour and even after it all my baby was not 'healthy'. I had more stitches in my episiotemy than someone would have in a c/s!! So I also know the flip side.
I do also feel that you should be grateful (and I do believe that you are very greatful to have your DD) So please don't take this the wrong way.

I think ppl are just trying to be nice when they say things like that. You will get past this. I certainly did and went on to have another baby (not as bad a birth tho I admit but it was alot longer)

You will look back on your feelings in a couple of years and think why on earth you got so heated up over it all.

Have a whinge you deserve it. Don't worry about others.;)

[reAllytee]

I agree with what Emysmum has said.
Basically it tends to be a knee jerk reaction.
I know i have said it but not to be condescending but to try & help others look at the positive side of things.
Its like labour etc everyone tends to tell stories they shouldnt again because they think they are helping when they arent but they do have the best of intentions.
Hopefully all will be very different for your next birth.
Dont worry what others have to say what matters is what you think & feel.

[Goosie22]

I think the 'healthy baby" line is a crock it isnt nice, its disrespectful to your personal experience. They say it because they dont want to acknowledge the fact that you are not happy.................and everyone has to be happy 100% of the time dont they:barf: .

I loath both my c/s experience, it wasnt warm/fuzzy/nice. A stranger touched my baby before me. A stranger cut me open and ripped out my baby held him up in the cold air and passed him to another stranger a room full of strangers looked and touched my baby before me, they took him away and told me how much he weighed then I got him 2 hours after he was "delivered". Its cold and impersonal, it hurts (physically and emotionally) its inconvient. I love my child beyond measure and its a totally different experience I can loath my "delivery" and love my child.

I totally agree that the two are seperate.

[gillianf]

Gee, I was starting to think there was something wrong with me for being disappointed about my birth experience. With everybody giving me "THAT" line, makes you think that maybe you're an ungrateful WENCH cos you SHOULD be happy with your healthy child....but it really bothered me and also played a role in my pnd...! What annoys me now even more, being pg with my second (and attempting a VBAC) is that after close scrutiny, it seems that we were BAMBOOZLED into having a c-section cos my gynae (in South Africa) only informed us towards the end that he did NOT deliver babies naturally who were over 4kg! A tad LATE at 38 friggin weeks to change carers, don't you thinK? :mad:

Sorry for MY vent...LOL Thanks for posting this thread! It helps to know I'm not the only one! :D

Gill

[Mischief]

Yep, I understand it too. I find myself saying "at least Ollie is here safe and sound and thats the most important thing" when I tell people about my labour. It is the most important thing! I love Oliver so much, I would give my life for him!! At the time I wasnt worried about what might happen to me as much as I was worried about something happening to him! But at the same time I know i'm saying it partly so they wont judge that I'm associating my feelings with the labour with my son, and I know that when I do say it I'm undervaluing my own feelings. Did what I say make sence? LOL

:hugs:

What you are saying is that you are gratefull that your bub arrived safe and sound, and you wouldnt change that for the world.....but you feel sad still about the way YOUR labour went....not your babies BIRTH, but YOUR labour..... (right?)

[reddwarf]

I really empathise with what you are saying. I got to the stage that I stopped talking about it to other people so I wouldn't get this line. I was at the stage I probably would have decked them!!!!!:mad:

But in the past few weeks I have been really struggling in the lead up to my ds birthday next week and all the emotions and issues are resurfacing. So I've started seeing a new psychologist (who has suffered birth trauma herself) and she is wonderful because she validates my experience. Getting it out in a non-judgemental environment is very good for me.

I agree the birth and the baby are two different things. Yes the birth did give you the baby but....... after all (as someone said to me the other day) if your neighbours child had just died and your child had just been diagnosed with cancer people wouldn't say to you "oh but at least you still have your child". They are both different experiences but equally as painful.:ecomcity:

[juliek]

It really p***es me off too.
I think people say it either as reassurance or because they don't know what else to say. I have had the odd person say it too me and I swear they are thinking - just get over it, But most people are genuine in their sympathy and don't know what else to say, I don't think they realise how upsetting it can be.

I had to take dd to the hospital last week for a check up and as I was walking out I looked up at the glass ceiling and every thing came flooding back and I almost had a panic attack. It's something that stays with you, you can't just let it go.
I'm thankful every day that I have my beautiful daughter, but there is a part of her life I missed and expirences that I desperatley wanted to have with her and I won't ever get them back.
People just don't know how to communicate with other people going through grief.

[reAllytee]

People just don't know how to communicate with other people going through grief.

Thats exactly the problem we have all been taught to feel as though grief should be hidden etc.
I went through this when my Dad died then again when i suffered depression & yet again after Boof's birth.
Dont get me wrong i find it annoying too but as i said before its a knee jerk reaction to say it & make people feel better when we dont know what else to do.

[Tracie]

You are sooooo entitled to these feelings Sassymummy!

There are TWO, yep, TWO people involved in a birth - the bub AND the mum.

Maybe the bubba doesn't mind so much about the way they are born nor do they remember much (although who really knows?) but for the mum childbirth is something that we look forward to for such a long time.....we know our bodies are built for it, we long to experience it....it's like a rite of passage. When the experience we longed for is taken away (for whatever reason) then for sure and certain there are going to be feelings of loss attached to that experience. :crying:

Of course, having a healthy baby is something that is a blessing no matter what.
But just because you have a healthy baby, it doesn't mean your feelings about your birth are any less valid. (Thinking out loud....I wonder what people would say if you had a lousy birth experience and you DIDN'T have a healthy baby???)

I actually think that comment is a bit of a knee-jerk reaction.....because there is so much intervention in VB births...induction, drugs, forceps, vacuum etc and because caesarian rates are so (unjustifiably) high, and it is becoming more and more common for women to elect to have a caesar, there is this sort of trivialisation of birth ...... like, it doesn't matter what experience you have, just as long as the baby is OK. People tend to just forget that, for the mum, birth is more than a simple medical event - it is intensely physical and it is also a deep, spiritual and emotional experience.

For all the wonderful things that it has done (ie...save lives!), unfortunately the medical model of maternity care has alot to answer for.....creating fear of natural childbirth, making the elimination of pain seem necessary to birth a baby, reducing women's confidence in their bodies to birth, ignoring the importance of the mum's experience etc etc.

So, have a good cry Sassymummy, whinge as much as you like....we are happy to hear it and we know it has NOTHING to do with how strong a woman you are, or how much you love your bubba, or how wonderful a mum you are!

More power to you for talking through your feelings so you can come out the other side an even better person than you already are!!!

[Tam-I-Am]

All I can say is, I'm right there with you Stacey.

I understand the reasons why people say this, but in the end, while having a happy healthy baby is a blessing - it doesn't take away from, or make up for the trauma of the way they arrived.

I hate hearing people say "But at least she's healthy - that's all that matters/that's the main thing". I absolutely 100% agree that the two things (ie having a happy healthy baby, and the manner in which they arrived) are completely seperate issues - and should be treated as such. But a lot of people just don't understand....

[Bessie]

Hi Sassymummy, you are spot on girl :yelclap:

The medical community need to wise up to these bodge ups... yes, sometimes birth will be difficult and things can go wrong... but there are far too many women having bad experiences out there. Maybe it's an unnecessary CSection, a badly done episiotomy, stitches sewn up wrong or a total lack of dignity... and so on. There is a lack of accountability and sometimes Obs are playing God with our bodies and making poor decisions. They aren't left dealing with the after effects of these traumas and having to look after a young bub and cope with relationship strain with a partner. They can walk away and get on with their lives.

Winge away, this is how change begins. Hopefully we will be more empowered as women and things will be different for our daughters. At the very least we are acknowledging our feelings and overcoming the trauma of the past. It would be much worse to bottle it all up and end up with a few screws loose.

[SassyMummy]

While it's rather unfortunate that so many people seem to feel similarly to me, it's also really comforting. Thanks so much for responding! Knowing you're not alone is one of the most comforting things (to me anyway).

I tried my hardest not to use to mention c-sections TOO much in the original post, because I didn't want for this to be about c-sections. I'm sure there are all sorts of mothers who had all sorts of births, but weren't happy with what they got. So thanks for replying...no matter WHAT type of birth you had.

I REALLY appreciate the support this thread has offered. I'm sure I'm not the only one who appreciates it either. Thanks ladies!

[reAllytee]

Not everyone has a great birth whichever way it happens & no matter what we are allowed to have whinge about it as far as im concerned !
Im the opposite to you in that im raring for a c/s next time but that doesnt mean i cant see what you went through as a valid reason for being upset & angry.
Just remember to be strong & look at your next birth with wide open eyes knowing what you want & not letting anyone bully you :)