Help pls! 14 month old not responding to tone of voice or smack discipline

[arinoneko]

Hi,

I'm a first time Mum and have a very large for his age 14 month old who is starting to hurt me... this morning he headbutted me and broke my nose :(

I have tried saying firmly 'NO!', putting him back in his playpen (unfortunately this then means he associates it with being disciplined which is not ideal as I work from home and typing with a child in your lap is pretty hard!), and smacks/returning what he has done to me in kind e.g. pinches, biting etc. He doesn't seem to have any reaction to tone of voice or any kind of pain (smack, pinch if that is what he has done to me, bite if that is what he has done to me), and if I put him down he just screams and screams.

Please does anyone have any suggestions I am totally stumped! I don't want to turn this into a debate about the pros and cons of smacking I just want to find something that works on our very unusual child!!

Thanks, A

[Luna Lovegood]

I would be looking into the causes of his behaviours and dealing with the issue not the symptom. It he bored?

I wouldn;t suggest smacking, pinching or inflicting any other kind of pain because it's only teaching him that this is acceptable.

Have you considered the affects that additives in his diet may be having on him??

Perhaps you should consider consulting a GP?

[WorkingClassMum]

:hugs: lots of hugs.

As you've discoverewd, smacking and physical punishement don't work.

I also discovered that (for me) working at home and a toddler also is a lot of hard work and rarely works.

A toddler doesn't want to sit in a playpen all day, they want interaction and action - and that just doesn't always mesh with needing to earn an income.

Bubs wants outside walks, play time, toy time etc etc - he doesn't want mum sitting inthe corner tapping away on a keyboard.

He's acting up (possibly - IMO) in order to get your attention

I also wouldn't advocate too many other disciplin methods ATM 'cos hwta your bubs wants is pretty normal - they want to ineract with their mummy.

IMO - you'll either have to change your work hours to suit bubs - and that may mean burning the midnight oil, consider a day or so of child-care or family-day care or a nanny (grandparents?), or not working for awhile until bubs is better settled at say kinder or school.

I really hope you come up with an action plan that suits you, bubs and the family's needs

:hugs::hugs:

[BabelFish]

A 14-month-old is not going to understand that hurting him is the same as him hurting you, which will lead him to stop. This is a very complicated thought process that children much younger than 5 or 6 would have trouble understanding. All he is going to understand is that Mummy is hurting him. Making the correlation between Mummy hurting him because he is hurting Mummy and trying to get him to form a connection between the two is absolutely beyond any 14-month-old. This is why he's not responding to it.

Also, two wrongs don't make a right, so you are not teaching him anything by physically hurting him other than that you condone physical pain, not that you want to prohibit it. Babies will do what they see and observe and experience. If you hurt him, he'll end up hurting you more, because he will think that's how things are done at your house.

At this age he is becoming an independent little man and exploring his boundaries and wanting to push them, too. This is a time when he needs his freedom but he also needs his Mummy to interact and explore with him, show him his boundaries and help him to understand the world around him. I would suggest that he isn't getting enough quality attention. I'm guilty of this with my DD sometimes too - I work and talk to her and comment on things she's doing at the same time, but she doesn't have my full attention and she's not getting the quality of attention that she needs.

You may have to try to find a way to restructure your work hours (although that can be very hard) to give him more of the attention that he needs. You didn't say in your post but are you a single Mum? Is this why you have to work from home? That would make things very difficult for you. But he's at a very malleable age and what you are teaching him now will stay with him for life.

There are helplines that you can call, your local CHN will have some good advice and tips for you, and there are a couple of great books that you could look up and get out of your local library to give you tips as well.

Don't forget, he's still a baby, so he doesn't know how to tell you what he wants. Boys are boisterous and can be rough (so can girls!) but what you teach him now about how to interact with other people will form lasting foundations. Like someone else said, perhaps a day at daycare once a week would really help. In terms of giving you a break and also giving him some interaction with other adults and children.

[Phyllis Stein]

Your son doesn't sound unusual at all! :) My 15 mo DS is very large too and sometimes hurts me in play, because he's too young developmentally to understand the consequences of his behaviour or control his own impulses. In the same way that if he was frightened, he depends on me to soothe him, when he's excited/ angry/ bored, he needs me to help him through that too, not just punish him when he gets it 'wrong'. He needs me to show him how to interact gently and respectfully, not just demand it before he's able to understand and punish him when he 'fails'.

With my son, if he accidently or purposely plays too rough, I take his hand and stroke it gently, saying "gentle hands". If he hurts me, I make an exaggerated sad face and say "oww, mummy's hurt. Sad mummy", which promotes empathy, sometimes DS will give me a hug or touch the hurt spot gently. He still doesn't really understand, but he's learning something in every single interaction. Now he'll use "gentle hands" on our cats, too.

A book I found invaluable in working out how to promote gentle, respectful behaviour was Children are People Too by Louise Porter. Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn was also great. :)

[BabelFish]

To the OP - I hope you don't feel as though you are being judged here, either. It's very hard being a first time Mum and when things like this happen it can feel as though your life is out of your control! I think people just want to show you that there are better alternatives and that your little man is not unusual at all - it's very common for children to explore their strength and vent their frustrations physically, and that what you teach them and show them is what they'll learn to do themselves. If you show him and teach him a gentler way, that's what he'll pick up on - and as you said yourself, what you're doing isn't working so you've got nothing to lose by trying different approaches.

[happybunnypony]

As you've discoverewd, smacking and physical punishement don't work.

I also discovered that (for me) working at home and a toddler also is a lot of hard work and rarely works.

A toddler doesn't want to sit in a playpen all day, they want interaction and action - and that just doesn't always mesh with needing to earn an income.

Bubs wants outside walks, play time, toy time etc etc - he doesn't want mum sitting inthe corner tapping away on a keyboard.

He's acting up (possibly - IMO) in order to get your attention

I also wouldn't advocate too many other disciplin methods ATM 'cos hwta your bubs wants is pretty normal - they want to ineract with their mummy.

IMO - you'll either have to change your work hours to suit bubs - and that may mean burning the midnight oil, consider a day or so of child-care or family-day care or a nanny (grandparents?), or not working for awhile until bubs is better settled at say kinder or school.

I really hope you come up with an action plan that suits you, bubs and the family's needs


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
My DS is almost 14 months and can understand how much time and attention they need. They are just little bubs still, no matter how big they are physically.

Your baby is not unusual at all... I think people forget that babies/toddlers/children need attention.

I agree he needs activities in his day... he needs stimulation, he needs to play and interact as this is the best way he will learn.
You can't expect a baby to sit still in a playpen while you sit at your desk or wherever.

Working from home with a bubs is so hard, I do most of my work when he has gone to sleep or if the grandparents can take care of him for a few hours.

I do agree with finding a gentler solution to his ways might help, as obviously he is learning from what you are doing and it doesn't seem to be working.

I hope you find a solution so you and bubs can be happy together. :thumbsup:

[Stretched]

I agree with what lots of other mums have said. I've been going through the same for a few months with my 18mo skinny but strong dd. (only bub too)
Firstly, she is just now starting to respond to my tone. She's had the odd smack on the botty, but it never made a difference, so I only tried it about 3 times. She just didn't get that the pain was caused by her doing wrong, she cried, then went straight back to doing the same thing that got her in trouble.
Secondly, it's definitely about attention. She will always behave worse the minute I'm focused on a task. If I lay on the sofa near her play area and watch her, she completely ignores me and plays beautifully.
I would try a combination of things.
1. try to arrange some time where he can be looked after out of the house so you can work. Childcare, daycare, family, daddy. Just some time where he can be the focus of attention, do something out of the house, and doesn't have to see you - but not have you. I use childcare and she loves it, plus I can do 1million times more than when she's around.
2. Set up his own desk and chair. At this age they want to be just like you. You might find that he'll happily spend quite a bit of his day sitting and drawing, playing on a toy laptop, toy phone etc. Stock up on washable crayons and paper, you'll need to show him what to do first and stop to draw the odd bunny rabbit or tractor, just don't leave any work papers within reach!
3. Lay it on thick when you're not working. If I fill my dd up with heaps of attention when I can, it seems to tide her over most days and if she's happy playing and I ask if she wants a cuddle she says "nup" and runs away! I now get up, dress makeup etc before she's up. That way she gets up and I spend a proper hour just for her before she goes to childcare or I settle down to get some work done at home. More cuddles and attention in the lead-up to nap time, and progressively more attention towards the end of the day as she gets tired.
From my experience though, time apart defintely makes for better time together.